Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

I’ve asked them what they are as I think in a discussion like this it’s relevant to know who you are discussing with.

And sometimes it is a discovery or realisation late in life.

If it needs to be discussed then it also needs to be made clear by any woman who feels this way that bisexuality is a non negotiable and will end the relationship. If they didn’t make this clear it’s understandable why anyone would think “til death do us part” generally means that learning new things about ourself would not be immediate grounds for divorce.

Are you saying that someone who realises later they are gay or bi it will not (or should not) cross their mind that their spouse might leave them because of it?

I’d find it hard to believe you are a straight woman so what are you?

I agree with this.

I don't really know all that much about my friends' sex lives, nor do I want to. If a married friend came to me out of the blue and told me that they were bisexual I would assume that they were telling me that as a way to introduce the fact that their marriage was over and they may start dating someone of the same sex, so that I would not be surprised if that happened. Otherwise, why would I care?

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Honestly I would have zero issues with my partner being bisexual - I don’t see the problem in that he fancies women too so it shouldn’t change how he feels about you. In saying that declaring it to everyone as a “coming out” would make me wonder is he intending to date men or already dating men, like why is he suddenly exploring his sexuality.

There is nothing about being bi that harms women's rights at all. It's wild that it's even a suggestion.

and it can evolve over time and does for many people.

and my post was in response to those who had said it.

Why won't you answer the question that posters have asked you?

You are either bi or have a bi partner because you and a few other posters are taking it personally.

though I still think a few posters do have a bit of homophobia in there when they talk about it being disgusting).

This is much cognitive bias here. Not one person on the thread has described her husband being bi-sexual as ‘disgusting’.

A couple of posters (one bi-sexual and one with a bi-sexual partner) referred to
disgust. One said she wouldn’t want to be with someone who found it disgusting that she experiences same sex attraction and the other asked posters if they find the idea of a man having sex with another man disgusting.

What on earth is this?

Why the hate of someone who you have known and loved and has been loyal to you and helped raise your children, and just because they're bi all of that is gone?

Hate really does cloud everything, they are still the same person they were yesterday, people don't ask for their sexuality and if they're still loving and loyal, why would they have to be tossed away?

I'm sorry.

Ask him to slow down and give you time, space and privacy to process this. This is the bare minimum of respect he could show you.

Telling the kids without speaking to you first would be a deal breaker to me.

If he's not planning on a new relationship why is it relevant at all? You're not defined by your sexual orientation. His behaviour doesn't stack up to me...

I'm just someone with compassion. The idea you can demand someone's sexuality and if they are not straight that's 'telling' to you says a lot.

It is rude to demand someone's sexuality and therefore will not answer your demands.

A poster literally said she felt disgust at the thought of a man sexually with another man.

I've seen this debate on here many times.

Not wanting to be with a bisexual man does not make you biphobic.

You are taking it personally for some reason.

It’s biology, not misogyny. Animal species (which include humans) survive by male sperm entering into female vaginas for procreation. We’re biologically geared to continue the species. Which is why for most women, the idea of their man having sex with another man is unattractive, as it doesn’t lead to procreation.

No, she didn’t. I’ve just searched the thread and they didn’t. Can you quote it?

I wouldn't ever want to be in a 'forever' relationship with a bi man, I'd be worried that in the long term I wouldn't be everything he needed.

My own husband works away a lot, and I've seen how easy it is for a man to find another man online for a quick elicit encounter. I don't think I could handle it. I suppose my straight husband could have been going with prostitutes all these years ... but on Grindr I'm led to believe the BJ's are free and come with enthusiastic consent!

I think it's fine for a straight woman to only want a straight man, but I certainly do get that this is a shame and upsetting for bi people and I certainly accept that bi people are capable of being faithful like the rest of us. But those men, they do love shagging.

I’m in agreement with you and have been arguing on behalf of bi people like myself this whole thread! I think you misunderstood my meaning

It’s not cognitive bias - it’s the extremely emotive language used by quite a few posters. As you can see from the rest of my post I can understand people struggling with some elements of it - but I can’t get comfortable with the language and “disgust” expressed in some of the language some of the posters have used.

Gay men can be extremely vulgar when talking about female anatomy, being around them via my gay cousin I've witnessed it first hand, but I've not yet met a gay man who wouldn't shag a man who has been with a woman. You just need to look at the number of married men who hook up with them to see that.

I think it's completely different with women accepting bi men though. Don't think it's just the thought of your man being attracted to another man (although that is a big factor), there's also the fear that he will want to dabble with what he isn't getting in a hetero relationship, and as I just said with married men there are plenty who do.

This,going through this first hand,although he said on these apps he doesn't want the gay life it's the sex they want and it's not cheating in their opinion as it's not women

OP, slightly different situation but my best friend's dh told her (after 20 years of marriage) that he was into cross dressing and that was how he got his sexual excitement. It wasn't something she had any idea about beforehand.

She went and got specialist counselling for herself, to explore how SHE felt about the relationship and her dh's disclosure and to work through how SHE wanted to proceed, and what her boundaries were.

She said it was invaluable, to help her understand the psyche of her dh and to be supported in setting clear boundaries e.g. she absolutely forbade that he dressed in any of her clothes, and she stipulated that he had to take care of all his own laundry.

Another 20 years on and they are still together, a decision they made together, to support each other, and family through the rest of life. However I also know that they don't have an active sex life together.