Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

If seeing the ‘beauty in a person’ was the standard measurement for our sexuality then we may as well all claim bisexuality and call the argument quits.

Im doubtful that is what the OPs DH means…

My husband can acknowledge a good looking guy and I can do the same to another women. This does not define my sexuality. It means I am confident enough to know that another persons looks don’t affect my marriage. A declaration of bisexuality by husband would leave me wondering whether he has already or was planning on exploring that further. Nobody drops a bombshell like that and says ‘but I’m going to stay happily married to you regardless.’ That sounds more oppressive than holding onto a secret. How do people express their bisexuality if they have never been with a person of the same sex? Is it just a fantasy then? An unfulfilled sexual experience?

Give me a break.

Quite interesting to see different viewpoints though. It’s in bi people’s interests for straight people to be a ok with them being bi, which is why they refuse to see why it can be a turn off for a lot of straight people to have a bi partner. Straight people will most likely not give two hoots if their neighbour or dustman is bi but they will give two hoots if their spouse is.

and if they are happy to be married to a bi spouse it isn’t dropped on them 20 years in with a declaration that they haven’t or will never explore it so don’t worry.

Okay so to paraphrase you are saying that you would no longer find them sexually desirable because at a psychological level you would lose attraction.

again, is that rooted in fear? That they might desire something you are not? Disgust? You rind the act itself revolting?

How totally selfish and wanting to shame and embarress you, basicly its the same as saying i like you but i also like for example women with big boobs and big bums and ive lied all these years and told you i just like petite women but i also think of other women when we have sex and when i look at porn i look at big bums......im sorry no no no , fair enough if you knew from day one but could you stay with someone who pleasures themselves thinking about men, hes supposed to be your man and want only you....

How about this for some psychology…

Maybe the reason why we don’t want bi spouses is because then the competition pool is twice the size? At the moment I only have to worry about women and you’re telling me I should worry about other men too?

ps I am joking. My DH is a straight good honest male who has never given me reason to worry.

Not necessarily. When you’re an OP going through a difficult time, getting hundreds of responses to your thread can be very overwhelming. It's quite common to leave a thread rather than decide which posts to respond to.

Depends on what you mean by act on it but I would find it very hard to believe he has now put his ‘new found’ bi-ness to one side never to be talked about or examined again in any capacity. Not buying that for a second.

Oh they definitely do in the end if they really are curious,it just doesn't go away it snowballs

I think that can be a part of it. No one can ever assume their marriage would never be rocked by infidelity (as seen on MN) so it can seem like the sweetshop has grown twice the size.

It's strange that he chose to announce this now - makes you wonder what else he might be hiding. Why tell your kids before you? It feels more like attention-seeking than a genuine need to share...

Yes, especially as he seems excited and on almost a high, wanting to tell the world. How is that going to just dissipate into nothing.

Yes doesn’t seem like a measured well thought out revelation with much consideration to his spouse and fairly long marriage.

They can pretend but it doesn't last long.

OP, you've had a lot of responses but I want to offer you an alternative take that might give you some hope if you want it.

I'm bi and was very worried about coming out to my parents because my mother is quite homophobic and always has been. When it had been pretty clear for a while that I was queer, my dad told me that he didn't mind at all that I was bi, and he also said that watching how I lived my life had made him realise that actually he was also "a bit bi" and that some of his friendships from the distant past made more sense to him in light of understanding this about himself. His intention in telling me was to comfort me, not to centre himself in the narrative.

He then started dropping into conversation with other people that he was bi, including in front of my mother. I think it was partly in support of me, but also partly because there is a relief in realising finally why some parts of you that didn't seem to fit had always been like that, and it's nice to feel safe to articulate them. He didn't suddenly start going on apps and shagging men. He was about sixty when all this happened. My mother wasn't bothered but presumably she isn't repulsed by men potentially fancying men as well as women, so YMMV on that one. But they're still happily together.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Its very disrespectful to not give you time to process before telling anyone at all else.
I do have an old friend who came out around the time Philip Schofield did and his wife was also besides herself for ages. Shes a lovely lady and stopped sex instantly and went for STI testing incase because of the obvious.
So if there are times your husband has been away in the evenings with work or friends and could have, I would go and get tested for sure and stop sex until both of you test negative, if he will go, my friend wouldn't go at that time as had gone to a gay bar and picked up someone. He then panicked but has since luckily came back clear.
In their situatio. It got messy, she went to see a solicitor to see where she stands with the home as their boys were early 20s and in the end they agreed to sell and both have flats now instead. Fast forward 4 years they are good friends and salvaged a friendship.
If your husband hasn't yet cheated and you are clear of sti's. I think from listening to my friend a lot at the time, he will start if he hasn't already on gay sites and pubs etc
It does not make you anti gay if you cant deal with that because its not who you married ok. So its ok not to want any part of it because its not what you signed up for. There was no 'in sickness & health and if you turn out bi'. Its ok to walk.
I would certainly start being cautious and he may not have done anything at all. But start checking savings accounts and have your wits about you, incase there is more to come. My friend did start emptying a isa and living a double life.
Just look after you and start some wise thinking and self care.
The very fact he said he won't without telling you first is not nice and my heart goes out to you. Have you a wise safe friend to talk to.

It's just subconscious misogyny lol. Deep down they think being penetrated is degrading and something that should only be done to the submissive partner in the relationship (the woman), ergo a man who desires to be penetrated is unmanly and wouldn't be able to dominate them properly :P

I’m married to a woman but in the past I had a husband. I was young when we got together, and I couldn’t have identified as a lesbian back then. Although I’d always had an attraction to females, I didn’t think that was an option for me.
Fast forward a few years, my ex husband developed into a porn obsessed, compulsive masturbator whilst being an extreme sex pest (unable to manage the sex because of all the masturbation).
During this time I became more aware of my own sexuality, but still couldn’t have imagined I could be in a relationship with a woman.
Eventually after 15 years, his behaviour and demands, and the sheer repulsion became too much and I ended it. He was suitably devastated, which was his choice of status as he knew I could never bear the shame of revealing details of why I left.
Some time later I began to date women, and met my wife whom I’ve now been with for 20 years.

Me being with a woman was also very helpful for him. Although he was raging, he could also blame my gayness for the marriage ending. And in all honesty, it was not the reason.
Different story to the OP but in my case there was no lie, no coming out just the wonderful end to a shit relationship and happily moving on in a way I could never have imagined.

Contrary to everyone else’s opinion… what happened to for better for worse? He hasn’t handled it well but when you marry someone you’re agreeing to loving them for who they are then and who they will be. He should have handled it better but actually I don’t believe this fundamentally changes who he is and just because he’s bi doesn’t suddenly mean he’s out to cheat.

I’m sure my opinion will be unpopular but I think you maybe need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture here.

Not RTFT, but agree 100% with this.

Honestly, who cares what it's rooted in (great choice of words BTW!)? Why are you obsessed with "getting to the bottom of this" (!!!), as though you can triumphantly pull out (!!!) some non-PC thinking that must be erased? Do you honestly think the rational mind governs sexual attraction?

For all we know, it could all boil down to just a biological instinct to prefer heterosexual men.

That doesn't mean we hate gay/bi men or find anything wrong with their own preferences, we just don't fancy them as our husbands.

You need to ask him directly why he has now come out, especially if he does not intend to act on it? I think this coming out now may be the result of pressure from another source. If he wants honesty, then he must come clean for your sake. Never mind how he feels about what may be hidden, he's dropped the bombshell so needs to help sort out the mess he's caused in your life. Neither of you can move forward, together or apart, unless he is scrupulously honest now.

If my husband of 20 years told me he was bi we would be in the divorce courts so quick he wouldn’t have time to find a dick to suck

Im not homophobic or biphobic or whatever word you want to call it
( my son and 2 of my nieces are gay and so are a large amount of my friends ) I couldn’t care less who sleeps with who and what there sexual preference is

Ive slept with women with my husband in our wild youth for fun -

I wouldn’t do it on my own without my husband - in my youth I did a lot of wild stuff but I wouldn’t want a relationship with a women or have sex with a woman unless my husband was joining us

but if he suddenly said actually I’ve been hiding a big part of me for the past 20years and I’m BI Sexual it would be over for me right there and then

I would probably crack up laughing because it would be completely insane for me to even think of my husband saying this because that’s not the man I know and married at all

I didn’t sign up to marriage all those years ago - to be with someone who wants to fuck other men - as well as me - other women maybe but other men - nope not happening in my bed or house

I’m perfectly entitled to say I only want to have relationships with straight men who are 6ft 4 and don’t smoke if that’s what turns me on
In the same way that a guy the same height as me I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to in the same way I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to a bi sexual male

So OP I get it - he isn’t the man you thought he was and he’s lied about your whole relationship
you don’t know him and you probably never will

I certainly don't. The OP's DH's behaviour is setting off a lot of red flags for me. I've already warned her to get her ducks in a row. If he isn't already on Grindr he soon will be. The thrill and excitement will be too much.

I think he's going to come out as a crossdresser/ trans. He's forewarning everyone of changes. There'd be no point in him telling anyone if this was just about an interest in men that he didn't intend to act on. Who cares? But if he's planning to turn out in a skirt and heels and lipstick, he needs to prepare the way.

That assumes all bi men wish to be penetrated by a man - I hadn't assumed that at all. They could just as well be into doing the penetrating.