Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Imagine finding out the love of your life isn’t who he said he was what a sad way to live the rest of your life

God imagine having to hide who you are from the love of your life... what a really sad way to live.
It's not a dirty secret.

Why tell his wife, his kids and his family at all?
If he is not going to act on his sexual attraction with anyone else but his wife what is gained by him telling everyone that his attracted to men & women?

His sexual attraction is his own and is not a burden for anyone else to carry.

Edited as double posted.

They think they are being progressive and liberal, when in fact it is just a modern reinvention of the age-old sexism in which women exist as support humans and props for men's desires and have none of their own, and should not be allowed to say no to men. It's not coincidence that one of the more prolific posters spends most of their time on here arguing that men can be women and that women who do not prove that they accept this by undressing with them and giving up any right to single sex spaces are merely bigots and phobes of various descriptions.

How this got repackaged as progressive and liberal... well actually I do know, but it's a discussion for another time. The point is, women can say no, even if a man wants something from them to please and affirm him, and it's not an act of moral turpitude.

She's not the love of his life if he's had to hide who he is. She's been authentic and honest the whole time.

He's said he's not planning to have relationships with men, so effectively he remains a straight man who fantasises about sex with men and wants the world to know it.

I used to fantasise about a dish called gado gado — potatoes, green beans and other things coated in a delicious satay sauce that was supposed to be the most delicious vegetarian meal ever. Then I went to Thailand and tried it — and I didn't like it much and have rarely had it again. There's a massive gap between fantasy and reality.

And upending people’s lives and their reality in the name of your fantasy smacks of narcissism in its highest form.

Absolulety. He's looking for a big reaction. I wouldn't give it to him.

Op is long gone.

I actually can’t believe someone reported my post because they disagree. 🙈
let me explain my reasoning more clearly for those at the back.

OP life is not necessarily a lie, her dh may have just came to this realisation to himself.
If he knew and lied that’s not ok & she has every right to be hurt.
There “may” be nefarious reasons for him announcing his sexuality to OP or not.
He could be planning to cheat with men or request an open marriage and that is absolutely reason for OP to be devastated and seek legal advice. But it’s a hypothetical and none of us know if this is even remotely true.
He may also feel that he wants to show solidarity with his daughters and let them know he is an ally and supports them unconditionally as he has or has had attraction to the same sex. That is being a good father.
One reason may be that he loves her (the OP) and feels safe to share his deepest feelings with her as his partner in life. A good thing.

Everyone has a right to date/marry/sleep with their own preference of sexuality and NOONE has to include anyone they don’t find appealing. That is a human right and non-negotiable.

But speaking about refusing to include bi people is biphobia and speaking about refusing to include black people is racism.

As example, I personally don’t fancy blondes but I would never say that. It’s a weird thing to come out with and could upset blonde people. I just don’t date them. My right.

Everyone also has a right to expect monogamy from their partner unless mutually decided. For most people, deviating from that unilaterally would have divorce level consequences.

This is a nuanced issue best served and normally honest communication would be the way forward, but OP stated feelings could absolutely alienate her husband and daughters from her, and i and many others on here can see and understand why if she states those views openly to her dh and daughters she could lose contact with all of them.

I think @pluvias being a touch dramatic and that is not helpful to OP. Not everyone goes about fantasising about sex all
the time.
I’m a straight woman in my 50’s. I don’t fantasise about sex with men. I enjoy sex with my partner but to be honest, I fantasise about someone else cleaning the house and me reading my book with a cup of tea and I’d bet a lot us feel the same.

''@SunnieShine · Today 08:13
And many lesbians - myself included - distrust bisexuals, for good reason''

And people say that there is no biphobia on this thread...

I am bisexual and a woman. To suggest that I am automatically 'untrustworthy' because of it is just bizarre to me.

How would you feel if people said 'I distrust lesbians, just because they are lesbians'?

You would be outraged and rightly so.

Yet you think it is OK to apply a blanket, prejudiced statement to an entire group of people simply because of their sexuality.

Prejudices/stigma is what gay people have had to put up for decades. Why a gay person would want to do the same to another group is beyond me.

Heterosexuality is a sexuality, but hetero for hetero is not. Hetero means attraction to the opposite sex, it has no loopholes about the other persons sexuality.
You have a human right to be opposite sex attracted, nowhere in the definition mentions the other persons sexuality and so you are ill informed.

But speaking about refusing to include bi people is biphobia and speaking about refusing to include black people is racist

But I’m allowed to think these things and practice these things in my life. I mean I have agency over my own life. I may not say it out aloud that I refuse to include bi-sexual person in my marriage even though I know it to be true? May I say it to my husband that if he was bi-sexual I wouldn’t be with him? Is it the speaking about it or the acting it out that is the problem? Am I a racist if I know that I will not marry a black man. Am I a biphobe if I know that I will not marry a bisexual?

Genuine questions.

How would you even know, the OP thought hers was until last night...

I used to fantasise about a dish called gado gado — potatoes, green beans and other things coated in a delicious satay sauce that was supposed to be the most delicious vegetarian meal ever.

Someone did make this for me once - as the veggie option at a dinner party - and bloody hell it really was amazing.

Apologies for massive tangent.

That is exactly what the problem is here. It seems to be a breach of trust. But posters are saying because it’s about his sexuality then that isn’t a problem and if it is then she is prejudiced against bi-sexuals. It’s crazy.

I would say your sexuality is a fundamental and to hide it is a breach of trust.

No maintenance for the kids now is there🙄

Being a bi sexual my self I don't really understand why your upset. That being said I do have compassion for others and I'm sorry he told people before he told you. But just because he's came out as bisexual does not mean he has these urges to go sleep with men. It could just mean he's simply found his self and come to terms with the fact he likes men as well as he likes women. Has he ever gave you a reason to think he is capable of cheating? Because if he hasn't then keep running with the fact that he hasn't cheated on you and most probably isn't going to either. He's just finally realised his true sexuality. But I am sorry your feeling down about it. That does suck x

Actually plenty of people have. There's literally a thread on the relationship board right now written by a woman asking if any older women have found they developed same sex attraction or those feelings got stronger with age.

It's frankly stupid that you view sexuality as so rigid and so upsetting.

It must be terrifying living in all of your worlds so I can see why react with such hysteria. I suppose you can't help it.

That’s how it would feel to you, obviously being a bisexual. Not sure you could speak for a heterosexual.

Having thought about this all day I do find myself wondering about the 'announcing it to friends' part. I guess our friendship groups are all different but in mine there would definitely be a sense of 'why is X telling us this?' and then some focus on his wife as surely by telling the world it means something? I can quite imagine how very difficult it would be to feel under that sort of scrutiny. If he has some very close friendships that mean a lot to him, of course he wants to tell them, and hopefully give them the sort of context that wouldn't open the OP up to that sort of speculation - which he doesn't appear to have given the OP yet either. If he's planning to announce it down the pub however...

Yes this approach makes it somewhat awkward if your H announces he's bi 20 years after you married what you thought was a straight man. If it means you're no longer keen you're going to have to discuss it. Him being bi doesn't make him a sacred being who may not have his feelings dented by his wife not being into it.

A bit like what women are often ridiculously expected to put up with when their H announces he's a woman. It's not OK to not be cool with it, or to have any issues or not be keen on the shiny new "true self" that has been revealed. Yet what the male person wants is all-important

It's almost funny that the example you give to argue your point about "Not everyone goes about fantasising about sex all
the time" is your personal experience as a 50 year old straight woman.
We are talking about men here (and, specifically middle aged men who seem to want to "liberate their true sexual selves"): vastly different demographic.

Sorry OP 🥰 I think you know this already but this isn’t likely to end well. I mean, why tell you otherwise? Most people don’t tell their other half if they’ve got a little crush on someone because they know it would hurt their feelings. Your DH is just testing the waters so you need to be prepared for what lies ahead.