Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Bisexual invisibility in opposite sex relationships is a thing.
I have (albeit female) friends who openly share their bisexual identity as it is core part of their identity, they have never cheated though one has been through phases of being in an open relationship, some of them have never had any physical relations with women others have before being with their male partners.

Maybe it’s different with men though.
Has he cheated before?

That's not the point. I'm not asking for this sexuality to be celebrated and given a pride parade, just for it to be accepted as a genuine sexuality and "true self" - because it is.

You can accept someone's sexuality as a fact but not want to be in a relationship with them.

And it certainly looks like a fair number of people on this thread are saying it's not OK to not include bi men in your dating pool/preferences. So this sexuality is, it seems, being denied and oppressed.

This language is really dangerous and tantamount to incel culture. Women don't exist to make sure bi sexuals or transwomen don't feel denied or oppressed.

What about gay men? Are they allowed to not be keen on bi men and only want other gay men? Should they me told they must accept men who shag women? (Genuinely asking)

Yes, gay men are allowed to not be keen on bi men and only want gay men.

It sounds like we agree on other posts, sorry if I've misunderstood or missed any irony.

It seems like you've misunderstood my points.

Of course you can accept someones sexuality and not want to be in a relationship with them. That's what I'm saying. But apparently that's OK for some and not for others?

People on this thread have said it's not OK to not want a relationship with someone because they are bi, and to want only a straight partner. I am saying that is a perfectly OK thing to want, and if you tell people it's not OK, you are denying THEIR sexuality and identity. That has nothing to do with incel culture at all.

"Women don't exist to make sure bi sexuals or transwomen don't feel denied or oppressed."

I agree and wasn't saying that.

Oh yes, that obviously.

Agree with this totally. No one is saying people shouldn’t be bi ‘in general’ or that being bi precludes monogamy. But in this case it is pretty obvious the DH is not simply confiding in his ‘rock’ (as many of us do to our spouses about our sexual fantasies), but announcing a ‘true identity’ to all their extended family and friends. Obviously as this identity is based around his sexuality (and by extension infers their sexual relationship and his satisfaction with it) that’s pretty devastating for his wife. And that’s even before the inevitable question of ‘why say any of this?’ What does it mean to be ‘proud’ of a sexuality you never have and never intend to act upon? What does it mean to tell your friends you are ‘bi sexual’ if you don’t want to do anything sexual?

We live in a society where a minority of (young?) people have been convinced that your sexuality and gender and so on constitutes your ‘essence’. Sure these things might feel more or less significant to ‘who you truly are’ at certain stages and moments of your life (just before you have sex it’s pretty important that you are aroused by whoever you are about to have sex with) - but to focus on these really actually superficial aspects beyond cultivating wisdom, humour, kindness, putting yourself second, well that seems to me an extension of the vanity of Instagram culture where we parade our physical ‘selfies’ as if they said something profound about our inner worth. They don’t, and our sexuality doesn’t. That was always the point really. Gay or bi or whatever are no better or worse or more or less worthy of pride/shame than heterosexual or a sexual people. This husband has put his need for validation in identity (e.g. Instagram likes) above his duty to protect, care for and support his wife in the safety and shelter of their marriage. It’s unforgivable

You can refuse to date someone for whatever reason you like, and you don’t have to justify it to anyone.

I’m so sorry. I couldn’t get past this. My last partner told me he’d had loads of sex with men in the past and it gnawed away at me. It’s something you either do or don’t sign up for. I didn’t and also felt that mattered and was valid.

I feel absolutely certain that your husband has or is about to cheat on you. He’s already as good as discarded you with his words and actions.

Telling his kids and his friends? Unforgivable. They will all feel sorry for you. He’s invited pity, betrayal, and disloyalty into your marriage with open arms.

LTB. x

I’m sorry that he has been keeping this a secret from you for your entire marriage. That alone is a huge betrayal. I am also skeptical about why he has suddenly felt the need to come clean and wouldn’t be surprised if there are more revelations on the way. I hope you have the support network you need.

Absolutely. You can be madly in love with someone and the find out that they had a criminal conviction and if that’s not ok with you then that’s for no one else to say it’s wrong.

The bi-entitlement on display here is astonishing and weirdly homophobic. I think a couple of people have basically said they're bi, not gay, as if gay's an insult. When you have gay sex, you're actively being gay at the time. Nothing wrong with that. If you only ever think about having gay sex but never do it, I'd say you're straight. Throughout my life I've fantasised about all sorts of things that at the time I desperately wanted to do/be, and I haven't done them.

As an out lesbian publicly facing all the good and bad things that come with being indeintifiably outwith society's norms, I'm increasingly dubious about an awful lot of bisexual people who seem to like the safety and social acceptance of being in a straight relationship while insisting that because they sometimes fantasise about sex with someone of their own sex, they're bi. I'm guessing most people feel a bit bi on occasion. Doesn't mean much at all.

Me? No I don’t think that. I think you should be able to choose to reject someone sexually based on any factor you like. I think it is pretty obvious that as a heterosexual woman I would want a biological man and not a woman who ‘identifies as’ a man, because I am not attracted to females. Bigoted or not is a matter of opinion but it is important I get to choose who I sleep with and am not forced or coerced.

I left my ex because he became an alcoholic. Should I have stayed because it was mean and selfish of me not to be his support system while he destroyed me and our kids very foundations?

According to some posters on this thread you should. According to me, you can do what you like and you are also very entitled to feel betrayed by the fact that he changed the contract of your marriage.

Handhold OP. This must be devastating. Both the news and also the way he is going about it.

Can you send him a message or write him a letter asking him for some respect and some time to process before he tells anyone else. A decent man would give you that

Whether having a preference for a certain skin colour or sexual orientation is racist or biphobic/homophobic entirely depends on the reasons for that preference and the beliefs underpinning those reasons (that may not even be conscious).

I think it would be pretty hard to find a dating preference for straight white men that wasn't underpinned by any problematic racial and cultural stereotypes at all.

A telling fact from a Channel 4 show "Is love racist?":
Using statistics collated from a survey about dating habits, as well as conducting social experiments on a group of young singletons, the show confirmed that the odds were stacked in favor of white people in the dating game. More than a third of white people said they would never date a black person, compared to just 10 per cent of black people who wouldn’t date a white person.
Worth a read:
https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2017/07/it-racist-have-preference-whom-you-date

"discomfort with" is certainly one form of "phobia", no?

It's not uncommon to change sexuality later in life - it happened to me - so he may not have been lying for years. It may be something he's only recently come to understand about himself. As others have said - the big announcements may hint as slightly more concerning behaviour, but it might just be a genuine desire to be honest about this part of himself.
As a bisexual person myself, I don't think anyone owes us anything. His wife is allowed to not feel the same way about his husband knowing this.

So true.

This word biphobe keeps getting bandied about on here for straight women who don’t want a bi man. Is this word supposed to scare straight women or something? I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️

Have you asked him why he’s telling you this now?

This word biophobe keeps getting bandied about on here for straight women who don’t want a bi man. Is this word supposed to scare straight women or something? I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️

Yes, it's supposed to make you feel bad and evil and mean and remorseful and you're supposed to change your ways and be kind and support the OP's husband in being whatever he identifies as, but not the OP who isn't keen on being married to a man who is attracted to other men and wants the world to know. Or a raging narcissist.

I am a white women and my sexual preference is white straight men like my DH. This is my agency over my own life. I don’t go around shouting WHY my preference is the way it is, it just is. It’s as inherent in the fibre of my being as the colour of my eyes. I’ve never questioned it and never felt the need to question it. And this does not make be a bigot or a racist or a homophobe. You are all equally entitled to your own preferences. Just don’t tell me what is right for you has to be right for me because you think so.

If the OPs husband isn’t as sure as I am and has been tormented by an insecurity as to his identity then I really do have sympathy for him. But this does not detract from the OPs identity and how she sees herself.

She is the one left with the questions and insecurity over what she thought her life was. Again, I hope the DH feels all warm, fuzzy and free now that he is out in the open.

Well in that case he shouldn’t need to announce it, then, should he?

He’s announcing it because he intends to, or has, acted on it. Nobody reached their 40s without realising they have same-sex attractions.

People have lost all common sense regarding equality, which is why we now have men calling themselves lesbians and attacking actual women who are lesbians who don’t want to have sex with penis-owners!

As others have said, nobody owes anyone else a relationship and can discriminate as much as they want.

Stop confusing things like job opportunities with relationship preferences.

God imagine having to hide who you are from the love of your life... what a really sad way to live.

It's not a dirty secret.

It is honestly bonkers that people who actively choose to have heterosexual relationships are being called bigots and phobics by the people actively choosing to have bi or homosexual relationships.
Yet the bisexuals or homosexuals or lesbians or gays are preaching that you cannot choose your sexuality…
Did I honestly read before on this thread that someone said that being heterosexual is not a sexuality?

Are you people crazy or do you just want attention and special treatment for being not the majority?

I truly don’t understand. It’s people like you who give rise to the Trump agenda because it’s absolutely crazy making rubbish.

I understand your point. Nevertheless, I'm speaking about this man in particular. I believe that, given they've been a marriage at least for 20 years, it's highly suspicious that in any given moment of intimacy and confidance (which a healthy marriage ought to have), he hasn't expressed his feelings/doubts regarding a matter that seems important enough for him to wanting to shout it from the rooftops (without even considering his life partner's reservations). His attitude is that of an oportunistic liar.
As for "the narrative" you mention: I don't think there has ever been a time in history where the narrative is more favourable to coming out as a member of the "Lgbtqi+ community". Especially for men.

ETA: and don't even get me started on the "living his true self" nonsense...