Page 17 | Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

Uberella · 2025-07-16T00:35:26+00:00

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken. He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man. Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends. I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it. I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning. I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Bundleflower · 16/07/2025 12:34

SorryToBotherYou28 · 16/07/2025 12:32

Sexuality does not include hetero for hetero, that's not a sexuality and again, that's prejudice against bi people. There is no difference to a person.

It's wild how much prejudice is in this thread, no wonder your husbands don't want to tell you they're bi.

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My husband isn’t bi.
Stop trying to inflict your own weird views on others. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with 2 people of the opposite sex who only like the opposite sex being married.

eminthebigsmoke · 16/07/2025 12:34

Bundleflower · 16/07/2025 12:25

Do you throw around words every day that you don’t understand? Or are you just a professional at pretending to find offence?
I’d like you to explain, in detail, what part of that is bi-phobic…

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Doesn't need much detail - bisexual people are not a bit straight and a bit gay; they are bisexual.

LemonCheesecake2025 · 16/07/2025 12:36

beetr00 · 16/07/2025 04:18

@beachcitygirl biphobic?

I didnt see @beachcitygirl post but I guess she's trying to say OP is biphobic because she doesn't want a DH who fancies men, which is bullshit.

I'll read the rest of the thread.

Bundleflower · 16/07/2025 12:36

eminthebigsmoke · 16/07/2025 12:34

Doesn't need much detail - bisexual people are not a bit straight and a bit gay; they are bisexual.

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Well, factually, they are a mixture of both straight and gay. That’s what bisexuality is.

FourLove · 16/07/2025 12:36

MissDoubleU · 16/07/2025 10:28

Pretty disturbed by everyone’s dark responses here. Coming out is important even if you are already in a relationship precisely because he’s likely buried and denied this part of himself for a long time. Learning it’s okay and accepting himself is the goal here. Celebrating that it’s okay to be exactly who he is and not live with it buried or hidden.

This doesn’t mean he already has or is more likely to run off with a man or anything similar. I’m bisexual and have never cheat on partners. It is important to me to be out and open and honest about who I am, and also have who I am accepted by the people who say they love me. This is because of internal shame if not the shame thrust upon me by years of religious upbringing.

I actually do think it’s strange and somewhat homophobic to find same sex attraction repulsive and/or a turn off. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t accept this part of me or so clearly found it disgusting that I experience same sex attraction.

It is unfair to expect someone to bury part of who they are just because they found it out, or learned to accept it, later in life. I also think it is unfair to make this strictly and solely about OP’s feelings. Why do her fears and embarrassment trump her DH’s new found pride? Respectfully, how he defines his sexuality isn’t about her. He shouldn’t have to stay in the closet.

I don't think that the argument is that he 'ought to stay in the closet'. A young unattached person 'coming out' as bi is honest and freeing, and their loved ones and strangers (if they find it difficult) need to find a way to come to terms with the new information. Coming out as a middle aged person - and telling friends and teenage children before your spouse of 20 years - is a very different thing. We don't know what led up to this revelation by OP's husband so we can't judge, but it is crass to respond as though he's done a honest and wonderful thing in acting like this.

Ontheedgeofit · 16/07/2025 12:37

I don’t understand how some of you posters can’t see that his wife is the one who has been blindsided by this revelation. Why is it all about his right to be who he is? What about her right to be who she thought she was. Ie a heterosexual woman married to a heterosexual man in a monogamous marriage.

Just because he has not been living his truth makes her life a lie. And somehow she has to swallow that because of LGBTQ rights and how awful life must be for him to have to hide his pride and truth. FFS.

He is telling her this and telling her he intends to stay married. I hope he feels all warm and fuzzy now that he is out in the open.

WhatterySquash · 16/07/2025 12:37

nomas · 16/07/2025 12:21

No, it isn't. Bi-phobia is hatred and prejudice specifically against those identified or perceived as being bi-sexual.

You don't have to prove you're not bi-phobic by having sex with bi-sexuals or marrying them.

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Agree - just as I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's religious, or smokes, or believes in astrology and crystal healing, or is into BDSM, doesn't mean I hate all such people and think they should be persecuted. But I AM allowed to not be attracted to them or not want a relationship with them.

MagpiePi · 16/07/2025 12:39

SorryToBotherYou28 · 16/07/2025 12:23

It IS prejudice if you refuse a relationship with a man who is exactly as he appears but he's just bi and that's the only reason you don't want to be with him.

If the only reason not to be with him is his sexuality, then it's the definition of bi-phobia.

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So nobody is allowed to refuse to go out with someone because of their sexuality? Can I refuse to go out with someone if they reveal they are a deeply religious when I am an atheist?

Beachtastic · 16/07/2025 12:39

Call me old-fashioned, but if my DH found the idea of sex with men alluring, that's entirely his prerogative. It is also my prerogative to find that about him rather off-putting. What he fancies doing with his dick, whether he does it or not, matters to me.

Unomercy · 16/07/2025 12:39

Biphobic!

Never heard that before, made me chuckle!

Ontheedgeofit · 16/07/2025 12:40

Unomercy · 16/07/2025 12:39

Biphobic!

Never heard that before, made me chuckle!

Apparently if you try hard enough you can offend anyone and they will have a word for it 😂😂😂

I wonder if you can be biphobic but not homophobic?
what about heterophobic?

blythet · 16/07/2025 12:41

Has he just had an out of the blue revelation? Or has he always known he was sexually attracted to both sexes?

If the latter it’s years of lies/betrayal/deceit that would get me. I couldn’t ever trust someone who had lied and hidden something so significant to me for so long. I’d be ending the marriage on that basis alone

nomas · 16/07/2025 12:42

MissDoubleU · 16/07/2025 10:28

Pretty disturbed by everyone’s dark responses here. Coming out is important even if you are already in a relationship precisely because he’s likely buried and denied this part of himself for a long time. Learning it’s okay and accepting himself is the goal here. Celebrating that it’s okay to be exactly who he is and not live with it buried or hidden.

This doesn’t mean he already has or is more likely to run off with a man or anything similar. I’m bisexual and have never cheat on partners. It is important to me to be out and open and honest about who I am, and also have who I am accepted by the people who say they love me. This is because of internal shame if not the shame thrust upon me by years of religious upbringing.

I actually do think it’s strange and somewhat homophobic to find same sex attraction repulsive and/or a turn off. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t accept this part of me or so clearly found it disgusting that I experience same sex attraction.

It is unfair to expect someone to bury part of who they are just because they found it out, or learned to accept it, later in life. I also think it is unfair to make this strictly and solely about OP’s feelings. Why do her fears and embarrassment trump her DH’s new found pride? Respectfully, how he defines his sexuality isn’t about her. He shouldn’t have to stay in the closet.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t accept this part of me or so clearly found it disgusting that I experience same sex attraction.

Do you see the irony in your post? You're asserting your right to not want to be with someone based on their characteristics yet you call OP homophobic for doing the same.

WhatterySquash · 16/07/2025 12:44

MissDoubleU · 16/07/2025 12:23

Because being straight is the assumed norm and doesn’t come with years of worldwide oppression..!?

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That's not the point. I'm not asking for this sexuality to be celebrated and given a pride parade, just for it to be accepted as a genuine sexuality and "true self" - because it is.

And it certainly looks like a fair number of people on this thread are saying it's not OK to not include bi men in your dating pool/preferences. So this sexuality is, it seems, being denied and oppressed.

What about gay men? Are they allowed to not be keen on bi men and only want other gay men? Should they me told they must accept men who shag women? (Genuinely asking)

BuckaDuck · 16/07/2025 12:47

SorryToBotherYou28 · 16/07/2025 12:32

Sexuality does not include hetero for hetero, that's not a sexuality and again, that's prejudice against bi people. There is no difference to a person.

It's wild how much prejudice is in this thread, no wonder your husbands don't want to tell you they're bi.

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Are you stupid?

Ontheedgeofit · 16/07/2025 12:47

Imagine coming out and asserting your bi-sexuality but then denying yourself the opportunity to explore that by remaining in a committed monogamous relationship with your wife. Sounds pretty oppressive to me.

I don’t buy it for one second.

Soontobesingles · 16/07/2025 12:48

HonestAquaMember · 16/07/2025 12:15

The overwhelming feeling I'm getting from the replies here is that all LGBTQIA+ people only tell others their identities as they are self-absorbed and 'naval gazers'.

Maybe its because that their existence was illegal for years. Simply loving someone could get you put in jail, chemically castrated, literally tortured.

Maybe now they're celebrating the fact they can actually be who they are without fear (supposedly), or at least legal repercussions.

It's called Pride for a reason - being proud of who they are, since for years, they weren't allowed to be who they are.

Sure. But ‘being who you are’ in the context of sexuality is about being able
to indulge your sexual lifestyle without shame. If you are a married person in the context of a monogamous heterosexual relationship, it’s pretty obvious that ‘coming out’, if it is not about shamelessly living your true self (by doing bisexual acts) is only about selfishly parading your feelings without considering those of your spouse, or other family members.

ManchesterLu · 16/07/2025 12:49

JudgeBread · 16/07/2025 02:05

If it helps, I'm bisexual and have never strayed from my husband once in over a decade and have no intention of doing so. Bisexual =/= more likely to cheat.

Some people figure shit like this out about themselves much later in life. It's uncomfortable and weird and I get why you're feeling a type of way about it. He's feeling excited about his new identity, you're feeling blindsided by having this whole huge part of your husband you didn't know about. It's huge, your feelings are valid, it's ok to worry about what the future looks like.

I'm sorry he's pulled the rug out from under you like this. I hope he's the honest sort who just genuinely hadn't realised this about himself and didn't want to lie to you, rather than the sort that Mumsnet will leap to calling him who will be on Grindr within hours.

This - I am also bisexual. I am with a man, but could just as easily have ended up with a woman. I'm not going to cheat on him, any more than I would have done if I was only attracted to men.

Of course, nobody on here knows his intentions, or why he's told you. But those who say he should have kept it to himself are being a bit harsh, I think. I've never felt the need to hide who or what I am from DP, and I'd be upset if I thought I had to.

He's probably been coming to terms with being attracted to men for years. I don't personally see why he should have to hide it.

Yeah, he may be thinking about running off with a man - but none of us can predict when our partners are going to run off with anyone.

Equally, he could just be trying to be open and honest with the person he loves most in the world.

nomas · 16/07/2025 12:50

Some protections around Human Rights Act listed below. It seems many people on this thread don't think heterosexuals should have this right, which is bizarre.

Article 8 (Right to Respect for Private and Family Life):
This article protects the right to make decisions about one's sexual orientation and relationships, including the right to develop one's personal identity.

Article 14 (Protection from Discrimination):
This article ensures that individuals are not discriminated against based on a wide range of grounds, including "other status," which has been interpreted to include sexual orientation.

Freedom of Expression (Article 10):
This article protects the right to hold opinions and share information related to sexuality.

Ontheedgeofit · 16/07/2025 12:50

ManchesterLu · 16/07/2025 12:49

This - I am also bisexual. I am with a man, but could just as easily have ended up with a woman. I'm not going to cheat on him, any more than I would have done if I was only attracted to men.

Of course, nobody on here knows his intentions, or why he's told you. But those who say he should have kept it to himself are being a bit harsh, I think. I've never felt the need to hide who or what I am from DP, and I'd be upset if I thought I had to.

He's probably been coming to terms with being attracted to men for years. I don't personally see why he should have to hide it.

Yeah, he may be thinking about running off with a man - but none of us can predict when our partners are going to run off with anyone.

Equally, he could just be trying to be open and honest with the person he loves most in the world.

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Except the person who he loves most in the world was told last…

Soontobesingles · 16/07/2025 12:50

WhatterySquash · 16/07/2025 12:44

That's not the point. I'm not asking for this sexuality to be celebrated and given a pride parade, just for it to be accepted as a genuine sexuality and "true self" - because it is.

And it certainly looks like a fair number of people on this thread are saying it's not OK to not include bi men in your dating pool/preferences. So this sexuality is, it seems, being denied and oppressed.

What about gay men? Are they allowed to not be keen on bi men and only want other gay men? Should they me told they must accept men who shag women? (Genuinely asking)

Edited

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I think it’s fair enough for gay men to say they don’t want to sleep with bisexual people yes. It’s ok for anyone to refuse to sleep with anyone else for any reason, even if it is a bigoted one. Because consent over one’s body in my view trumps hurt feelings. Sometimes people refuse to sleep with me because I’m (in their mind) ugly, overweight or repulsive. That’s also ok.

FOJN · 16/07/2025 12:51

Bobloblawww · 16/07/2025 06:01

I’m really truly baffled at the responses here. There is zero evidence of any wrongdoing and assuming that someone will cheat because they are bi IS biphobic.

No wonder he put off telling you. The one person that is supposed to be his rock is making it all about her.

No one is assuming he will cheat because he is bisexual. He is married to a straight woman, there is literally no need for him to discuss it with anyone apart from his wife, nevermind make an announcement. The need to announce feels like setting the stage. He may have only recently come to a realisation he is bisexual but if he's committed to his marriage then nothing has changed and the world does not need to know.

WhatterySquash · 16/07/2025 12:51

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t accept this part of me or so clearly found it disgusting that I experience same sex attraction.

So that's OK then. Others are allowed to not want to be with you because you're bi and they're not attracted to that. You're allowed to not want to be with them because you hate their "biphobia" (i.e., what they are and are not attracted to, which is not actually hatred or "phobia"). Cool, everyone's happy.

(BTW - anyone is allowed to not be attracted to anyone else for any reason they like. Even if it's the shape of their nose or their slip-on shoes or because they eat garlic. Even if it's not fair. Even if it's unreasonable. Not fancying someone and not wanting to be in a relationship with someone is everyone's right.)

Bundleflower · 16/07/2025 12:53

Soontobesingles · 16/07/2025 12:50

I think it’s fair enough for gay men to say they don’t want to sleep with bisexual people yes. It’s ok for anyone to refuse to sleep with anyone else for any reason, even if it is a bigoted one. Because consent over one’s body in my view trumps hurt feelings. Sometimes people refuse to sleep with me because I’m (in their mind) ugly, overweight or repulsive. That’s also ok.

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Genuine question, do you think it’s also bigoted to not want to date somebody who’s trans?

I am only interested in straight biological men. I therefore have never been interested in anything else. I’ve never considered that bigoted.

As above, genuine question!

Ontheedgeofit · 16/07/2025 12:53

MN is a strange place. LTB if he expects you to do all his laundry but god help it if your DH reveals your life has been a lie and he is bisexual. That makes you a bigot and a biphobe.