Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

I wouldn't think he's just had a life changing revelation, I'd think he's been like that all his life and wonder why he needs to say something now.

And I'd question why he's telling me now, and wanting to tell everyone else. So yeah, I totally agree with you on that.

Are you hitting on me?

I'm not sure I meet all your requirements. I mean, you wouldn't feel the need to tell me all that unless you expected it to lead somewhere, right? Why announce it?

Life changing for his wife I mean.

What do you mean ‘realise something about yourself’?

The notion that our sexual feelings and behaviours express anything fundamental about our personalities or ‘who we are’ beyond that is deeply homophobic.

What is her husband actually saying? ‘I sometimes get aroused by the idea of sex with another man but I’m not going to do anything about it?’

I mean me too mate but I don’t need to announce that to my husband and all our friends and children.

So clearly for this person ‘being bisexual’ means something else - something bigger, that has shifted how hr sees himself and how he wants to be seen by others. As he has made that ‘thing’ sexual presumably he is going to change his behaviour which OP is rightfully concerned means he is going to have sex outside the marriage. I fail to see how else one is supposed to interpret that.

Maybe he concealed it as he didn't feel it was ever safe to reveal it?

Maybe he realised after he met and fell in love/even married and had kids with the OP but he heard her views such as she'd only ever want to be married to a straight man. That attitude doesn't come out of nowhere, it comes from a bigoted view of bisexual people, so he's just supposed to expose himself to that?

Look at the opinions here, the frankly bigoted attitudes of many, no wonder people repress that side of them instead of being open and facing hatred and attacks.

Some people here don't believe any bi person can be married to a woman, that's the kind of discrimination they face. And yet you think it's awful to hide away in the face of that?

Well mine says it's no harm unless someone knows,so there you go

The clue is in the timing Op, he's known he was bi for some years but he was afraid to tell you incase you took the DC away. Now your DC are older he doesn't have to worry about child contact even if you divorce him.
Being bi doesn't mean he's being unfaithful but I really don't know why he feels the need to tell everyone, if he intends to stay faithful it's a matter between you and him

Then he should be MORE honest and leave his wife. Why stay married to someone who is bigoted? what kind of life does he think he is now going to lead being married to someone who he knows didn’t want to be married to a bi-sexual male.

He has done this to put the ball in her court to leave so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

I don't think it's awful to hide away at all - I think we totally agree and I miscommunicated something in my post? My response is to the people who say it's irrelevant and he shouldn't have said anything. I don't believe he should have to hide who he is from his wife, but I do think he should have handled it differently because he's given her no time to process something that he must have been sitting with for at least some time.

errr. Maybe. DM me.

but in case it wasn’t clear - I’m giving examples of how people might express preference, not listing my own! You seem to believe that people having preferences is homophobic. My point is people are allowed preferences. But you don’t announce those to your spouse unless you plan on changing the sexual contract between you. It’s a bit different if you are having a conversation where it comes up and you learn something you didn’t know.

So weird that he has felt the need to make a public announcement.

But he’s married to you so surely whoever he fancies is off bound anyway. Is this a way people are trying to get round cheating now?
I think he doesn’t have the balls to tell you he’s cheating or he want out of the marriage

Being ‘bi sexual’ doesn’t mean anything unless you are engaging (or have engaged in) bi sexual practices! It’s daft. Even more daft than ‘identifying as a woman’ if you are male. At least trans women are actually usually doing some kind of action that expresses their ‘identity’. ‘I’m bisexual but I have never done anything other than have heterosexual relationships and I am currently in a decades long marriage that I want to continue in monogamously’ is such a non-announcement as to be pointless.

Absolutely.

What’s the point of the declaration? To give your wife an inside look into your private fantasies?

I am sorry you must be baffled and blindsided.

Why does he feel the need to tell anyone, he has an existing very long term relationship, surely who he might fancy (male or female) is irrelevant at this point.

This. I definitely believe he’s soft-launching him having an affair with a man.

I also think it’s unusual that 75% of your family will identify under the LGBT umbrella. Is he the sought that looks for approval? Could it be some ultra weird attempt to show how understanding he is of your daughters sexualities? What other reason would he possibly have to tell your 16yo other than for approval?

Weird.

Not really, many do feel the need to do this.
On the other post I mentioned earlier, the lady said she felt her bisexuality was "a big part of her personality" and wanted her DH to know.
Other bisexual women said theu didn't feel it was a big part of their personality and wouldn't announce it.
People are different.

It is not bi-phobic to not to want to be in a relationship or married to a bisexual man.

It is completely normal to want a man who is only attracted to women.

Stop trying to normalise women accepting less than they want.

Indeed

both he snd the Op strike me as somewhat drama seeking!

Imo theres only 1 reason he's told you. Hes after permission to explore his full identity, or whatever bollocky way he'll put it.

If you dont give him permission he'll probably have some MH episode and cheat and blame it on unexplored essential identity needs, or whatever 🙄

Sorry op. There was absolutely no need to tell you and the world this unless he intends on either doing something about it, or blaming being repressed when he starts acting like an even bigger twat.

And telling everyone for crowd support. What a fucking naval gazing knob he is.

I don't know what he's actually saying because I'm not him. I wanted to respond to posters who are saying that the information is irrelevant in the context of a monogamous relationship to say that I don't believe that is true for everyone, and that being yourself and feeling understood by loved ones is important to some people.

It isn't homophobic to say that. I could say a lot more about the deeper meaning for me but why would I given the response I've had where you would rather jump to labelling me homophobic than actually listen or try to understand what I'm saying.

I'll end by repeating that I don't think the OP's husband handled this with her feelings in mind. I hope that she's able to talk to him about how hurtful his approach has been, and to tell him what she needs so that they can move forward.

Imagine being one of his friends when he does his big “reveal”! 😆

The overwhelming feeling I'm getting from the replies here is that all LGBTQIA+ people only tell others their identities as they are self-absorbed and 'naval gazers'.

Maybe its because that their existence was illegal for years. Simply loving someone could get you put in jail, chemically castrated, literally tortured.

Maybe now they're celebrating the fact they can actually be who they are without fear (supposedly), or at least legal repercussions.

It's called Pride for a reason - being proud of who they are, since for years, they weren't allowed to be who they are.

It's not drama seeking to be blindsided when you're told by your husband he is also attracted to men.

Accepting people's sexuality, whether gay, bi, pan, shouldn't mean that heterosexual women are made to feel uncomfortable or not cool wives.

Well given the fairly well published stats…. There is a difference between men and women when it comes to cheating too