Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Sorry OP but a person can’t be bisexual and married to a woman. At least in my mind I believe this.
If this were possible then by nature of the fact that he is in a monogamous relationship with a woman he would be heterosexual

On a thread full of ignorant nonsense, this right here wins star prize. Congratulations.

It’s all a bit Philip Schofield isn’t it?

I am not ignorant. I think you are giving more credit than is due to the altruistic nature of humans. Her DH has not done this with her in mind, he has dropped a bombshell on her and is probably hoping she leaves him.

You don’t after years of marriage declare that you are bisexual yet want to remain committed to your wife who thought you were heterosexual. What is the point of your declaration then?

I believe the DH is drip feeding his wife and he will be asking for her permission to experiment with his sexuality. Or will have already done so without her knowing.

Oh, you are in a difficult position, OP. I'm so sorry.

He's pulled the rug from under you and peppered the dish with support from your queer kids.

Why? Because he knows you'll be the villain in their eyes if you leave him because of it.

What a calculating bastard.

IME of queer culture over the past 30 years about 90% of bisexual people end up with someone with a (or with a lifestyle that gives them access to) dick.

I also really object to the idea that your sexual orientation is an ‘identity’. Sexuality is a set of practices. You might have sexual feelings you don’t act on (news flash we all do) but if you spend decades in a heterosexual partnership it doesn’t really mean anything to ‘identify as’ bisexual. That’s a weird nonsense.

This is nonsense.

So a person cannot be bi and married to a woman? So a woman cannot be bi and married to a woman? And what, you believe bi men can only marry a man?

I thought these attitudes were left in the 90's.

My best friend is a bi woman and has been happily married to a man for 20 years and he loves all of her, including that part of her. All it means as they are in a loving marriage is that she has female celeb crushes as well as men.

I can't believe the ignorance shown towards bi people here. Some of you are acting as if they are not worthy of marriage!

Absolutely 100%

He has not done this with anyone other than himself in mind. If he declares that he doesn’t want to leave you in spite of his new found identity then it’s on the OPs shoulders if she does.

To respond again to your excellent comment and specifically the last paragraph.

If he announced he was bi and he'd like to experiment, while obviously that wouldn't be a revelation that you'd likely respond well to, it's a revelation that would not be a mark against his character, as there is a purpose to saying he is bi rather than just telling you he is.

But declaring he likes men for the sole purpose of telling you he likes men, and that it would "change nothing", that's done for no other purpose than being a self absorbed, self serving, "me me me", twat.

I can't quite believe how everyone is acting here, the man has done nothing but be a loyal and supportive husband to the OP and his girls and people are acting like he has no right to be who he is and be loved for it or in extreme cases, like he has no right to be married.

I agree with you, the OP needs to get away from here, be calm and talk with compassion and kindness and love with the husband instead of listening to this hyperbole.

There's so much deep seeded homophobia on here.

Somebody just asked me my sexuality, presumably so they could use it to invalidate my opinion and expieriences.

Somebody posted saying married men can't be bi... I mean I don't even know where to start with that one.

Somebody else said that he's doing it because his daughters are gay and used the term "spicy fun" - you are a particularly perverse and revolting individual.

Lots of shouting how straight women do not want to date bi men. Being straight is not a reason, it just explains which gender you are attracted to. Bi men are still men so it's a different reason you don't want to date them.

Others have said being bi always leads to gay, gay sex hook ups, cheating etc. what fucking tosh.

Frankly, it's a fucking cess pit in here.

No we are acting as if sexuality is primarily behavioural and not ‘identity based’. I understand that it was important for LGB rights for people to assert that their sexuality was fundamental to who they are. But sexuality is behavioural and what these people were fighting for was the right to sleep with/partner with whoever they wanted. Not to ‘identify’. If OPs husband has no intention of changing his behaviour then whether or not he has ‘male celebrity crushes’ is kind of irrelevant in the context of coming out to all and sundry. He is coming out because he wants to change his sexual behaviour and OP is rightly upset.

OP your daughters are not straight, if you start saying out loud you're a straight woman who only wanted to marry a straight man, imagine how they'll hear that.

You might be about to do much more damage to your family than your husband has by just telling you the truth that he's bi.

This isn't the end of the world or even a big deal, but you can really make it one.

I actually don't see why he's suddenly decided to come out with this.

I mean if I was bi, (I probably am a tiny bit as have done stuff with women) I wouldn't feel the need to suddenly tell my long term monogamous partner. It's like saying 'oh, I'm hetero.' like why say it unless you're planning on cheating or you have already done so?

That's the main issue. Not that he can feel attracted to men potentially.

I wonder what his friends reaction will be ... if one of my close friends told me they were bisexual, out of the blue, when they had been happily married for over 20 years, I'd instantly think they had met someone else, or at least wanted to explore that.

Attention seeking idiot. Why does he think his friends will be interested?

Exactly. It’s completely irrelevant if he is going to maintain the same sexual behaviour. It is literally throwing a grenade in your marriage for zero reason.

Unfortunately being bi has led to hook up sites and cheating for me wish it was all nicey nicey but it isn't

I will say, I agree that it's ridiculous to suggest that bisexuals can't be happy in a monogamous relationship. I have a very close friend who is.

I need to spend some time sitting in the discomfort I feel about the man being bi, though. I'd accept it without a blink from a woman, but a man, no.

I have SO many gay friends and have actively argued with them when they have made rude comments about bi people (fairly rife in older gay people, I've found) but I feel like I couldn't be attracted to a man who found men appealing in any way.

Bigotry? Maybe.

Not an acceptable way to feel in the eyes of the youth? Absolutely.

If I were you, I'd be approaching the subject from the perspective of feeling blindsided and lied to by DH with your kids, OP. They will not take the alternative explanation well.

Well I'm bi and it hasn't. So clearly that's a personal decision lol.

That's the person then, not the sexuality.

He has no need to annouce this unless he plans on shagging men and being his "authentic self" while setting you up to be the baddie when you object.
WTF would you discuss your sexulaity with your children no matter how old they are?

Least you are honest,I have read some of the stories on these hook up sites and a lot of the married men don't share the same opinion

The problem with is not with coming out as bi … it’s coming out as bi but then telling your wife that she is still the ‘one’.

I wouldn’t be happy living in a marriage wondering if my husband was truly happy being with me given then he has had this life changing revelation that he likes men as well as women.

i don’t think there are many people on here who are considering what this feels like for the OP especially given he has broadcast this to their circle.

It isn't completely irrelevant - can you imagine how it feels to realise something about yourself and feel compelled to hide it from the person you love most in the world?

This guy, in my opinion, has screwed it up royally by not having that conversation and handling it carefully and listening to his wife. But the problem here is how selfish and thoughtless he's been. The solution is not to remain silent and miserable, it's to treat his wife with the care and respect she deserves.

Anyone can choose to express their sexuality however they like but that goes both ways. I don’t want to sleep with men who have had hookups with other men. I don’t want to sleep with men who have used prostitutes. I don’t want to sleep with men who watch porn. I don’t want to sleep with men who have slept with much much younger women. I don’t want to sleep with a man who identifies as a woman, or a trans man. I don’t want to sleep with a Reform voter. That’s my choice. If I marry someone and they say, ‘I’m bisexual.’ Either that means something (that they have or want to sleep with other men and it’s the end of our relationship.) Or it means nothing (that they have and intend to sleep with no one outside the marriage) - if it means nothing why announce it?