Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

I just see how they use it as an excuse to cheat
as they see it "it's not cheating as it's not another woman" brigade!!!

If I was in a long-term straight relationship or marriage and realised I was also attracted to women I’d think “well that’s useful to know in case I’m ever single again.” If I was happy in my relationship and had no plans to leave or cheat it would be irrelevant.

EXACTLY

Because everyone has been assuming his sexuality. Straight people are assumed to be the default and it likely been hard for him to be in the closet so he wants to be open with his identity. Straight people do that all the time, there's no problem with bisexual people doing it. Why should he have to keep it only to specific people, he's entitled to share it with others.

Again, that's the crux of it.

Self absorbed, self centred and self serving.

"I'm going to throw a grenade into my otherwise healthy, monogamous relationship for no other purpose than I'm a self absorbed twat."

I think the trouble with married men being bisexual is that (sweeping generalisation, but!) men can have quite a high sex drive... and the opportunities for having casual sex with other men proliferate (online and IRL) in a way that doesn't exist in quite the same way for bisexual women.

It’s completely valid to have not wanted to date/marry a bisexual man.

Discussing his sexuality with your children before you is absolutely outrageous!

I wonder why he’s telling you now? I would assume because the next conversation will be about him wanting to explore that side of his sexuality.

For me the marriage would be over, for those three reasons.

I really don't see how everyone is now saying he will cheat when he's always been attracted to women and never has, he most likely has always had attraction to men and never cheated either.

The OP admits she believes he told their daughters as they are themselves gay, so he most likely decided to be open to them as they had trusted and shared that information with him and he admired and loved them and wanted to live in the same openness with them as well.

Some of the comments here are actually awful and biphobic, I know there has been attacks for saying it, but they are. I'm not Bi, but I can also call it what it is.

It's strange to say as a straight woman you want to be married to a straight man, especially in the light of having gay children, because surely you fell in love with him and not his sexuality, his sexuality includes an attraction to you, and within that he's always been attracted to other women and that's fine? Why does it matter if he is also attracted to men? Surely the love is solid enough and encompassing enough to be accepting of who he is and has been?

I will say this, your children who are part of the same community are watching and hearing your reactions and they will note it. If you can't accept your husband who you say you loved for who he is, they may think that same thing will extend to them given the circumstances and their own sexualities.

I think there's truth to that.

It's a balance though. I totally agree about not having to stay closeted and I do think some of the posters saying that 'it's no-one's business' or it's irrelevant are missing the damage that this does to individuals who feel they have to hide, and to the community as a whole. BUT blindsiding your partner by announcing it to the world before talking it through properly with her seems selfish at best and really emotionally manipulative.

Oh and you've formed this opinion based on personal experience?

And of course we women just hate sex?

Unless you’re living in Trump world or Russia et al, where is being gay in the Western world persecuted? Some people roll their eyes at ‘queer’ simply due to the incredible self-absorption some of them have.

Surely, it is completely irrelevant as he’s married, and has no intention of pursuing anyone else.

No one said that. Please debate better if you're going to debate at all.

Well their argument was that men are more likely to cheat because they love fucking, ergo one can deduce that the opposite is true of women, apparently?

Sure. And the pope is an atheist.

Judging by MN there’s heck of a lot of sex pest husbands.

Seems really odd that he’s had a sudden urge to tell everyone despite no plans to exit the marriage.

is he in therapy maybe? Only thing that springs to mind is a therapist convincing him to talk about it openly for whatever psychological reason?

User37482 · Today 08:25
Tbh I’d lose my attraction to my husband on the basis that he wants to have some sort of coming out announcement about something that isn’t going to change anything. It’s just a bit cringe and attention seeking. I mean what are people supposed to say “I hear yer bi now Ted”. If he wanted to tell me he thinks he may have been bi all along I would understand that.
Could understand a big announcement if he needed to tell everyone he was gay and he was leaving me. That would make sense.

@User37482 nailed it hours ago. This is an embarrassingly teenage thing to do. I wonder if OP's DH is jealous that his two daughters are lesbians and just wants to join in the spicy fun? How cringey would that be?

I don't get that people on the thread don't get why he'd want to be open while he also now has two daughters who are both lesbians and he sees them living openly and maybe wants to be loved and accepted for himself like he loves and supports them for their own selves too?

Do people not see the connection there?

I see a creepy dad not liking the fact that his girls get a bit of attention and who doesn't seem to have considered for a moment how his wife might feel about him announcing his sexuality publicly before telling her. This absolutely reeks of narcissism — but you seem strangely blind to it.

Sorry OP but a person can’t be bisexual and married to a woman. At least in my mind I believe this.
If this were possible then by nature of the fact that he is in a monogamous relationship with a woman he would be heterosexual.

Unless he is drip feeding you and will shortly be asking for an open marriage.

Has he experimented with his bisexuality?

Seems all a bit strange, at least the part that he remains committed to you in spite of his sexuality.

I disagree

If your husband suddenly starts fancying men, this will make a difference for most women and it doesn’t make them bigots.

Many straight women are simply not attracted to men who are sexually attracted to men.

That doesn’t mean straight women are homophobic!

Because it's irrelevant! He chose to marry a woman, who believed he was heterosexual. If he wants to remain married and faithful then he should keep this to himself ... he can't 'live openly' and continue to be married.

Agree. It's hugely relevant he told your daughters OP. I think it's likely he was trying to express a bit of solidarity with your daughters. My mum came out to me when I was 14 to tell me 'It's okay' and to give me a bit of reassurance after homophobic bullying at school. I'm bi and so is my DH. I'm not cheating on him and vice versa.

He's not done anything wrong yet. If you want to leave, leave, but I'd personally strongly urge you to breathe and have a calm conversation with him. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, and hysteria helps noone.