Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

You are equating being bi with actively wanting to have sex with people other than their spouse. OP has not said anything in relation to this. Her DH is coming out and being openly bi, talking about same sex attraction. This doesn’t need to change anything in the dynamic of their marriage at all.

This is entirely a personal thing and until OP says her DH has cheat or is planning to run off with men that isn’t the issue here.

This!!!! I am sorry but this isn't what we signed up for,why can't folk be honest instead of lying cheating and taking our decisions away from us about what kind of life we want,makes
me mad

Another feeling thought, OP. Did your DH go to Pride recently?

I agree. I think telling your children (one only 16!) BEFORE telling you is highly manipulative, especially as they are not straight either - he wants to get them 'on side' against you. Really really selfish behaviour.

All these women suddenly appearing with 'my ex was bi and cheating every night, bi men always become gay and can't have enough sex with men, they can't stop themselves from cheating!!!'

Yes, some may have had that experience. That doesn't mean all bi men cheat, or will become gay.

And I can't wait for 'yes, he went to Pride'. Meaning everyone who goes to Pride is hiding something and being maliciously secretive to their loved ones.

I'm bi and my partner is bi.

Not everybody who is bisexual cheats or even really thinks about it that often. I don't go around telling everybody but friends/family know and if it comes up I don't mind people knowing.

If he's just discovered or admitted this about himself he might be going through a phase where he makes this more of his identity, again it does not mean he is going to cheat on you.

He hasn't woken up bi on Tuesday. He's been bi the entire time. He isn't somebody different to the person you married.

I've only read your posts, OP, but I'm sure other posters have also noticed: why does he want to share his sexuality publicly? He is not a teenager. Something is very off with your husband (and it's not the fact that he is bisexual): he has lied to you, has shown no consideration for you and seems to crave drama and attention. At best, he is an inmature, selfish j**k.
What is going on? Why now? How has your relationship been throughout the years?
I'm sorry: you are perfectly justified in feeling how you are feeling.
ETA: and I'm sorry but telling your children BEFORE you? Huge red flag! He wants to prepare the room so that you don't feel allowed to react negatively. He is very manipulative.

He might not have lied - he may have only realised it himself recently. He may have been coming to terms with it for a long time.

The narrative that anyone who comes out in later life is hiding something on purpose is very damaging, and a reason why some people don't come out at all.

No, he has just lied to his life partner and made her live a lie without her knowledge or consent. Which is despicable.

Get an STD check no matter what he says about not having cheated. How awful for you to have to manage this relationship changed. Get legal advice on your situation. You don’t have to put up with this.

My best friend is a bisexual man and doesn’t actively pursue anyone, despite a few years now of being single. He doesn’t use any of the dating/hookup apps despite my encouragement to do so. He’s far more likely to go home with a lady than a man despite being very open re his sexuality and having experience with both. He has also never cheat within relationships.

Simply shocking

‘Being bisexual doesn't make you more likely to cheat.‘

As I’ve repeated - I never said it did. You must be projecting as it’s weird you keep repeating that.

‘Where's the evidence for bi men 'almost always' then coming out as gay? That's biphobia.’

That’s anecdotal from my experience, in 100% of cases where a man has said he’s bisexual following years of marriage to a woman.. but I said almost all to leave room for where it might not be the case . I haven’t got scientific data for it, sorry about that.

Also not ‘biphobia’, that’s frankly, a ridiculous statement.

The fact that some people struggle with their own sexuality doesn’t excuse using other people like the OP to cover that up.

I really have a problem with this whole attitude about “I need to be my true self and wang on about every detail and have everyone affirm and celebrate it.” Why? It’s a weird aspect of modern culture where if something is about your sexual “identity” that makes it some kind of sacred wondrousness that makes you more important than anyone else in your life.

If I was in a long-term straight relationship or marriage and realised I was also attracted to women I’d think “well that’s useful to know in case I’m ever single again.” If I was happy in my relationship and had no plans to leave or cheat it would be irrelevant.

It’s reasonable to think his announcement is either a sign that he does have plans to act on it (or thinks he is entitled to) - or that he’s just insufferably self-centred.

He didn't cover it up?? He may not have known. Being bisexual means he was attracted to her and almost certainly still is. He's not lied about that.

Maybe because bisexual men are far less likely to find an accepting woman. Speaking of anecdotal evidence - this entire thread is proof of this. No straight woman is going to accept their bisexual husband so he is far more likely to find partnership with a bisexual one or a man.

You have said if you worked out you were attracted to women as well as men, you wouldn't say anything if you were in a relationship.

I can almost guarantee that Mumsnetters would say you were lying by not telling them. It's almost like LGBTQIA+ people can't win!

My partner is on these apps and says he is bisexual,but sure is he'll not coming near me so how can this be?? I would prefer someone being honest than this finding oneself behind your back while the years pass us by.

Hello Uberella, I hope you are doing ok. There are so many posts on here telling you what you should think, but just breath and take your time in what you could do moving on. Maybe nothing. My situation is different though as my husband came out as gay in April, and he admitted to having sex with someone he met online.

It was a complete shock to me, still is I guess. I posted on mumsnet and had it removed after there were quite a few posts discussing how I was homophobic. It also made an online tabloid. I was gutted because I could have really done with the support.

We're now in the process of divorce. I'm still devastated and feel my entire life is a lie, I'm trying to get through the days for the sake of our young children, 3 and 6, and trying to figure our a good enough reason to keep on living.

I'm terrified that he started a relationship with me purely to have children and feel he's discarding me now we've done that.

You obviously have to wonder what he gets out of telling anyone given he says he doesn't want to cheat etc.

If you've had a happy relationship and raised kids (no information to say the marriage isn't otherwise good) you haven't been "living a lie".

Has he said why he's telling people?

This nails it.

It's the self absorbed aspect of it that is the worst. The "me me me", for nothing.

I'd not be happy, but I'd respect a man more, much more, if he said he was bi and he'd like to experiment, than him saying he was bi for no other reason than just declaring it. At least there is a purpose by saying you'd like to act on it, the latter is nothing but self serving.

He hasn't made her live a lie. It would be a lie if he was out shagging dudes off Grindr.

Frankly him fancying men isn't any different to him fancying women unless you're a homophobe or a bigot.

The fact is if your husband tells you he’s bi, at the very least he is telling you he would like sex with men, and that for me would be a no in what I thought was a straight marriage.

What sexuality are you?

I think you have a point - if it was important to me and I saw it as a key part of my “identity” or something I wanted to explore. Then I would be “hiding” something I suppose. But my point is it wouldn’t be more than a passing thought for me and I would see it as only relevant if I was one day looking for a new relationship.