Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

It's very self serving.

"Oh, I needed to be my true self"

The only reason you would tell someone is if you wanted something to change, to act out your "true self". Otherwise it serves no one but you. So unless you plan to act on it, its detonating a bomb in a monogamous relationship for precisely no reason.

Of course it impacts her. I would find it a complete turn off knowing my husband also likes men. That doesn’t make me homophobic or biphobic either before you say it.

OP, I'm a lesbian who has been out in the LGB community for more than 40 years and currently organises two LGB groups that include many gay and bi men. Your DH's decision to come out to everyone disturbs me: his only thought seems to be about him and not about you. I know a number of men who were married fathers and eventually ended their marriages and came out as gay. I know the coming out stories of many of them and I can't think of any of them who came out while insisting that they didn't intend to have same-sex sex. Most of them went through long, agonising years of fighting their attraction to other men before having flings and anonymous sex and eventually telling their wives and, not long after that, separating. I know several gay men who still love their ex-wives and regret the pain they caused. Obviously if you think you're marrying a straight man and it turns out he's actually strongly attracted to men then it feels like a betrayal. I've never met any gay man who only realised he was attracted to men late in life.

I have two lines of thought. First that he's on a high because he's met and is probably having sex with another man/ men. He wants to make this all about him finding his true self so that you can't be angry with him — because why would you be angry with him for being his true self? I imagine you and everyone else is expected to celebrate this wonderful new revelation that will make him seem much more interesting and edgy than a tedious old unglittery straight guy. I would be wondering about his mental health. Has he always been a bit narcissistic? Has he always been the main character in his life and you and his children just bit players?

The second suspicion is that he may have fallen into the online world of cissy porn and be heading into gay transgender territory. This trajectory can often start with an addiction to online porn. I won't go into details because it's all very unsavoury. You can google for yourself. https://www.transwidowsvoices.org is a site where women tell their stories of being in relationships with men who take this route.

I'm so sorry. I think it's incredibly hard being the committed, faithful straight partner of someone who you know is also same-sex attracted. I wish you luck, but if I were you I'd be getting my ducks lined up and would be prepared to ask him to leave the marital home if you have any evidence that he's having sex with men. He wants it all, on his terms, and he can't have it.

Personally I wouldn't care he is bi but would think the need to announce it now to wider friends is odd. You are in a monogamous relationship. It is the equivalent of you telling friends "i fancy men" next time you meet. It is just a weird thing for a committed person to say unless he wants to act on it ie let people know he is interested.

Mine told me the same 5 years ago, there was then a drip feed over about 3 years where more and more stuff came out. It was horrific to find all this out after 25 years of marriage.

I read at the time that it had been found that bi men were the most likely to say they had cheated out of any group, gay men were the second most likely - so I wouldn't pay much attention to bi women saying they'd never cheat as they're a whole different kettle of fish to bi men IME (and based on the research I read).

Based on my experience OP I'd be getting an STD check and running a fucking mile. I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a selfish knob with zero consideration for the impact all this is going to have on you.

The way that society reacts to bi women and bi men is quite different. Having a wife who's bi and sometimes fantasises about having sex with another woman is many men's turn-on. I'm not aware of any woman I've ever met who'd be turned on by the thought of her husband having sex with another man. On a purely physical level, it's highly unlikely that a woman participating in lesbian sex is going to transmit a sexual disease to her male partner. Whereas I've lost count of the number of gay men I know who discovered their partner was fucking around only after finding they had pubic lice, or gonorrhoea or, tragically, AIDS.

Either he's lying and he is planning on acting on it (his cheating will your fault because you didn't accept him) or he's looking for attention.

I think the appropriate reaction is 'that's nice dear'.

I’m really sorry OP.
I’ve no idea why he’d announce to his kids- it’s only relevant if you had split and he was going to date a man.
At best I would think he’s currently attracted to a man, at worst I think he’s cheated but like many cheaters has done sort of twisted narrative that it’s not cheating because it’s just dick pics or whatever. Do you have access to his phone? Does it have lots of apps like Grindr?

My experience of bisexual men, is they are never truly satisfied with a woman. They often want to explore 3 sums, they want to suggest it's for the woman's pleasure and they are going along with it, but really they are excited by the idea.

They want the safety of the hetero normative relationship, and also the freedom to explore their bi side. They ultimately prefer complete autonomy and the relationship is a safety net.

Go for couples counselling, tell him you are not ready to reveal this bombshell. You need time to absorb the news. Sounds to me like he wants to open the relationship.

Are you bi yourself? (Ok that sounds weird, are you bi?).

Really?

Really feel for you OP. The issue many are choosing to miss here is the the fact that the man you married, loved and had children with has likely been lying to you all you married life, possibly lying to himself too. It is almost irrelevant that he is bisexual, that is his business. Finding that he has lied/misled/kept this from you can seriously impact how you feel about anything he has told you in the past. Been there OP but in my case I had suspicions that were buried by him. Only after we divorced did people (his friends) tell me he was potentially bi. Never admitted it to me so I only have suspicions.
It does make you doubt yourself but you have done nothing wrong here. You are in shock and posters acusing you of being biphobic need to back off. You chose someone you trusted and loved. He is undermining that now and your response is 100% valid.
The best thing is to ask him to talk to you alone so you can get answers and understand his position. Ask him not to advertise his news until you have time to process it, if he has any sense of compassion and really does love you he should agree. He has kept this quiet for years a few more days won't hurt him.
Good luck and stay true to you. You owe posters on here nothing xx

But many people discover they aren't not 100% heterosexual later in life. It wasn't necessarily done to deceive you.

How are women different?

I'm always astounded on here by women who immediately assume men are cheating - yes, some men do cheat. Not all, and probably not the majority! (anecdotal evidence only, obviously).

By saying 'men always cheat, bi men even more so' is literally biphobia. And slightly veering towards misandry!

Are you seriously asking if women are different to me?

No, I'm not. Physically, of course men and women are different. Mentally, emotionally, etc.

But I don't think anyone can say scientifically/with evidence that men are hard-wired to be more likely to cheat? Especially if they're bi???

Yes but I doubt he’s declaring it the minute he realised. There’s probably been a ‘journey’ for him before shouting it out to the world. Whether thats by meeting men or going online, whatever, he’s been living this secret life OP has been completely unaware of and blindsided by.

People saying it’s terrible she wouldn’t have married him if she’d known, well there are lots of things that could stop you marrying someone had you known, even though you love them (secret addictions, secret mistress, wanting to be a woman, etc). Why is it when it comes to anything to do with sexuality (that is legal) straight people are always expected to accept everything gracefully and wholeheartedly, otherwise they're a bigot and phobic this, that and the other!

Pretty disturbed by everyone’s dark responses here. Coming out is important even if you are already in a relationship precisely because he’s likely buried and denied this part of himself for a long time. Learning it’s okay and accepting himself is the goal here. Celebrating that it’s okay to be exactly who he is and not live with it buried or hidden.

This doesn’t mean he already has or is more likely to run off with a man or anything similar. I’m bisexual and have never cheat on partners. It is important to me to be out and open and honest about who I am, and also have who I am accepted by the people who say they love me. This is because of internal shame if not the shame thrust upon me by years of religious upbringing.

I actually do think it’s strange and somewhat homophobic to find same sex attraction repulsive and/or a turn off. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t accept this part of me or so clearly found it disgusting that I experience same sex attraction.

It is unfair to expect someone to bury part of who they are just because they found it out, or learned to accept it, later in life. I also think it is unfair to make this strictly and solely about OP’s feelings. Why do her fears and embarrassment trump her DH’s new found pride? Respectfully, how he defines his sexuality isn’t about her. He shouldn’t have to stay in the closet.

With respect, you are bisexual so you are bias.

OP is not bi so is dealing with it as a straight woman who thought she was married to a straight man. Easy to be understanding of the husband when you’re bi yourself, as so many of the bi posters on here have demonstrated.

And what about a married gay man who found out his husband fancied and wanted sex with women? Would he be allowed to be upset and rethink his marriage. Or a lesbian in the same situation?

Yes, because coming to terms, confronting and frankly, admitting it to oneself is hard. Even as a single person, we want to be 'normal'. Let alone when married.

The announcing it to all and sundry is concerning. But dealing with being queer in a society (less so these days admittedly) that sees it as wrong is very hard.

Hello,sorry to hear this,least yours told you mine is still lying going behind my back with men,cos they are too cowardly to be honest and upfront,I would think slowly and carefully about if you believe that he won't act on it as I have seen these few years many do,least the kids are older ,just make sure to look after yourself x

I don’t see it as wrong in society but I would definitely see it as wrong in my marriage!

I think Pluvia speaks wise words, and this could be the start of some bigger bombshell.

I do think people also sometimes do this because they just want to be cool and part of the LGBTQ+ which they perceive as making them more interesting or being a way to escape from the label of “privileged” (obviously privilege is far more complex than that but I’ve seen examples of this before, esp among celebs. In a straight LTR but announce they’re bi because they once had a same sex snog or whatever). So that may be a reason especially for people in arty or “progressive” circles. That would be offputting to me as well tbh.

You’re allowed to find anything a turn-off, it’s not “biphobic” to be upset to find your H is attracted to men or to not be sure about being in a relationship with him because of that. It does mean there’s more chance of him cheating. We know that there’s a huge culture of casual sex among men who have sex with men and that this includes many married men in heterosexual relationships.

There’s also the fact he kept it from you and they way he told you. It’s all about him with no concern for you and yes you can be upset and pissed off. Don’t let accusations of “biphobia” be used to make you feel bad. Take your time, seek RL support as well and do what’s right for you

‘By saying 'men always cheat, bi men even more so' is literally biphobia. And slightly veering towards misandry!’

Well I never said any of those things and it’s bizarre you’ve drawn that conclusion.

Not sure where to go from there..

I said a man who says he’s now bisexual will almost always come out as homosexual later. A woman who says she’s bisexual will often remain bisexual always. Nothing I’ve said refers to men always cheating and bi men even more so. I’ve said this guy has likely been seeing men already, that’s really not the same thing as your statement.

Where's the evidence for bi men 'almost always' then coming out as gay? That's biphobia.

Being bisexual doesn't make you more likely to cheat.