We have been together 8 years and married for 3. No children.
Age. I am 33 and DH 43
When we first met, we discussed children. He told me he did want children but only after marriage. I told him I’m not totally against having children but I’m not fussed if I didn’t have any. I also stated, if I did, I only wanted one.
We didn’t live together whilst we dated. Our plan was that we would buy a house together and live there once married.
I already owned a house which I was renting out. He was living at his parent’s spare home. As we set our wedding date and look at houses to buy, he changed his mind.
He wanted to buy a property on his own name with his own money as a safety net because he claimed I already had my own safety net. (Even though I purchased my house before ever meeting him).
When he was looking for a place, he found a one bedroom flat in London. I did advise him at the time, maybe look for something bigger or just on the outskirts of London. Again, he was adamant the place be in London as my property is in London and he wants the same safety net/investment. And that his plan was we would live in it for 4/5 years, then he’ll rent it out and we could purchase our forever house. At the time, I did question him how was all this possible?
I remember we sat down and went through our finances and put everything on a spreadsheet. We spent hours on this. We came up with a plan. That he would overpay his mortgage (as he was lucky to get really low interest rate). And utilise the rest of our savings. Afterr getting married we would continue to save and keep our outgoings low.
We got married. I moved into flat. Although I don’t pay towards the mortgage (as the flat is his investment) , I do pay for other bills and all our holidays. I also don’t ask him for any money and pay for my own upkeep. (Our finances are separate). Also the property I already own, I continue to overpay the mortgage and also pay for any maintenance/costs associated with the house.
Now I do earn a decent wage and also have passive income. Due to that, after bills and costs, I do save around £4K a month towards getting our next house. In the 3 years we have been married, my husband has not overpaid any of his mortgage as agreed. Nor has he made any substantial savings. Which is surprising, as after bills, he should have quite a bit left over. (He also earns decent).
Also I’m very hands on at home. I do all the cooking and most of the chores. I also work more hours than him at work. Average 50/55hrs a week in comparison to his 35hr week. I also have to do night shifts every other week. He doesn’t.
In regard to having kids, we’ve had this discussion many times. Where I’ve said, I’m not raising a family in one bedroom flat. And also I would have to go part time, so naturally would take a significant pay cut. Plus costs would go up as there would be a child.
So we agreed on 2 years time we would try for a baby and only have one child. We planned in two years time, we would have saved enough (tbh 95% of the savings come from me and I earn more than husband), and hopefully some of my investments would come through in order to purchase our next house. He’s also very adamant the house be in London.
Out of nowhere, he’s now putting pressure on me to have a baby now as he’s not going to wait. He also wants multiple children. He basically said if I didn’t, we should separate. I agreed, that we should separate. I wasn’t going to cave into his ultimatum and didn’t appreciate the aggressive tone he was speaking to me.
Then he tried to argue. I said be realistic, how are we going to raise a family in a one bedroom?
He tells me the world manages so will we. When I ask him but what’s the plan?
He has no answer other than “we’ll manage”.
When I remind him, it was him who made the choice of getting a one bedroom, he made the choice of not getting a house together years ago, he made the choice of living in London, and he’s the one who didn’t save towards our future house as planned, so what exactly is “we’ll manage”. And I reminded him why did he wait years to propose then? Why did he wait until his 40s to get married and now panicking he’ll be an old dad. Why not get married in his 20s or 30s?
His reaction: get angry and swear. Rather than own his actions and decisions he made.
As I know the burden will fall on me. I also remind him once the baby is here, I won’t be able to pay as much towards the bills nor save as my salary will drop plus baby costs. He says he’ll pay for me and the child. But I don’t believe him, as he barely manages to save now despite me contributing a lot.
Then he start comparing me to his friends wives. Saying XYZ wife don’t work, they have 6 kids. Another XYZ wife she doesn’t work, they have 2 kids they manage, so why can’t we?
It’s frustrating that he’s dismissed everything I have done for this marriage. And also saving for a bigger house to raise a family that ultimately is his dream more than mine.
Finally I said it’s hurtful that he’s known me for 8 years and dismissed everything I’ve done and how I’ve supported his goals. But I’m not going to be bullied into having a child now when we agreed 2027 we would try for a baby. And if we need to part ways then so be it. He can find someone else and start his family.
Hours later, he apologised and hugged me. But I feel so different towards him now. I’m also now convinced if we were to have children, the burden of most of the childcare would fall on me. And I’m sure if I stopped contributing financially/saving, he’d still have a problem with me.
Where to go from this?