Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

To all the people posting on here judging and going on about drinking, God you would all hate me, you would judge and condem me. No violence but I have had a shocking and deeply traumatic bereavement which was followed 2 weeks later by a close relative being the victim of a brutal and unprovoked assault by strangers and then a mere two weeks and 3 days later I was the victim of a nasty crime which the police are investigating. The two offences are not in any way connected, just bad bloody luck hard on the heels of the bereavement. Guess what? I have a drink most evenings, it softens the edges of the grief and the fear. I don't get wasted and I don't drink every day but I am struggling with agonising grief that is almost physical as well as supporting the relative who is too distressed to work at the moment, supporting my other family members who are blindsided by the shocking death and of course living with the fear engendered by the crime perpertated against me. I freeze when my phone "pings" and my sleep is crap. Before you all pile on, yes I know that alcohol disrupts sleep and I do not drink after 8pm. 2025 has been the worst year of my life, it is really hard to cope, to keep going and on very bad days to even do the basic stuff but I try my best.

Sorry, I forgot this isn't the first fight.

My abusive father wasn't abusive all the time. Sometimes he was having breakfast or reading a book or gardening or sleeping. He was actively abusive a minority of the time. But how many times was it and what happened when he was?

My mother used to say things were generally great because most of the time he was doing something else and we had a nice lifestyle. She was very wrong.

But you aren’t drinking to the point where you are pinching someone in the face are you

It’s pretty obvious what’s going on, you both need to stop drinking- if you can’t see this as the issue then I suggest that you have a drink problem that you need to address.

@lifeonmars100 I'm very sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time,that really is horrific. 💐
Nobody is going to pile on, you've done nothing wrong. However, it's not great to self medicate with alcohol. Please speak to someone and get help and support. Particularly as you are a victim of crime.

I dont think anyone is judging the drink specifically. I drink way more than I should. Im never hammered but I do drink every night as a way of soothing myself I guess. The difference is you and I aren't assaulting the person we love.

So are thousands of other people, they don't all turn to alcohol or abusive behaviour, has he sought occupational health, considered reducing his hours, got therapy, thought about early retirement on ill health.

@lifeonmars100

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are going through, it sounds horrific.

Your drinking isn’t leading to you being involved in violent altercations with a partner on multiple occasions though, that is why people are trying to give OP a wake up call.

It’s not judgmental to say that if you’ve learned four times that drinking to excess while stressed can lead to you being violent / having huge and upsetting rows, then doing so a fifth time is not only foolish, it’s irresponsible and indicative of a serious alcohol problem.

I really hope things improve for you soon and that you get the support you deserve for the terrible time you’ve had. Please don’t feel attacked by posters judging the OP’s very unique situation, which involves her and her partner both perpetrating domestic violence (hers physical and his verbal / emotional and it sounds like physical too).

Are you sure he'd have zero coming in or just less than if he hung on for another two years? You need to check this and see if it's enough for you. Can you both cut your days and go part time?

I do believe you despite the judgment here.
The reason I do is these happened to me and my husband recently though it did not escalate to violence. But it was awful lots of shouting. We had the most heated argument we’ve had in years.
Lots of family pressures and too much to drink.
Weve vowed it must never happen again.
Something needs to change first you wise it will.

See if you can both cut your hours. Shrouds have not got pockets. You will then have the opportunity to spend quality time together. Stop drinking

OP, I have acted out under stress before - probably lucky that my husband was there to pick up the pieces and not similarly under the same amount of pressure, otherwise I can see how this could happen and your example could play out…

So it’s not good obviously and lessons need to be learnt but I wonder what you are going to do next?

Would you consider counselling? Or would you consider cutting back your hours / going to en employed position with less pressure?

It sounds like a bit of a cry for help to me from both of you and all your treats and holidays to de-stress aren’t having the effect you hoped for.

But they’ve had altercations like this five times, not just once.

And he tells her she’s the kind of person who would falsely report rape.

And the altercations have been violent. Multiple times.

Do you think those things would happen in a healthy relationship? This isn’t a one off under a perfect storm of stress conditions. It’s an established pattern and dynamic.

It sounds like there is probably resentment and frustrations about life on both sides, stress compounded with the alcohol and tiredness meant that it spilled over.
I’m surprised you suggested calling the police when you hit him in the face, you assaulted him in a heated row… imagine if the roles were reversed your DH would be getting a pasting on here which is why people are being harsh.
You put your hands on him first and then I assume he pushed you away from him to stop a further escalation from you.
Only you know, deep down why you lashed out and if it’s something that’s likely to happen again. I would definitely stop drinking whilst you are both under pressure, and perhaps look at solutions to the things that have apparently caused the bust up.
Can your DH reduce hours, can you get support or carers with your elderly relative? You say you have plenty of money, do you need to work 7 days a week?
Being on the verge of a wonderful retirement is great if everything is going well at the moment but if it isn’t then I’d be implementing change now not pinning everything on a wonderful retirement.
To be blunt, many plan a wonderful retirement and don’t make it or don’t get to enjoy it for long so living your best life whilst keeping an eye on the future is a better idea then running yourselves and marriage into the ground in the present.

What has going to the Caribbean got to do with a healthy relationship?

I know couples who don’t have a pot to piss in and will never go to the Caribbean or indeed anywhere but who treat each other with respect and tenderness.

This relationship sounds extremely toxic. Alcohol is surely a massive part of it. If you cut your work hours AND cut out alcohol (and therefore your spending), you probably won’t be much worse off financially.

As for the poster who tried to get us to agree that we’ve all been drunk and behaved badly… um, not like that. I’ve been very, horribly drunk more times than I can count. In fact I used to be a problem drinker. I drank too much too often. I danced on tables, fell over a lot, fell asleep in nightclubs and vomited a whole lot of times over the years (ruining my teeth). I also sometimes had silly arguments with people and said things I didn’t mean. None of that is model behaviour, but I never assaulted anyone or came anywhere close to it.

Hi OP, you and your DH sound similar to my friend and her partner. They've had about half a dozen incidents over the last 30 years. Fortunately there are no children involved. They go through periods of drinking to excess then having big bust ups. I've pleaded with her to leave him/stop drinking but she won't.

In the end its up to the two of you to address your problems as you could end up seriously injured. Alcohol is such a damaging substance. I don't understand why it's socially acceptable to get in such a state.

As for your abusive father I would be limiting the time I spent with him. He doesn't deserve your care. Use that time on yourself.

I really sympathise. I hope you're both ok. These things do happen, even in strong relationships. I've been with my husband 30 years. Stressful jobs. Two teenagers. We're both good people but life is stressful. You'll both be emotionally battered by it but you'll learn from it too probably. I suppose my message is - hang on in there and both learn from mistakes. The long haul isn't easy x

its not sociallyacceptable. Its acceptable to drink a certain amount but to get drunk and fight? nope.

Drinking fuels arguments and blows them up.
can you reflect on your behaviours and move forward?

Absolutely shit excuses you’ve made for the both of you. Most police officers and most people caring for parents don’t go around punching their spouse in the face and cornering them to scream at them. It’s fucking appalling behaviour. You need to split up. People who love each other don’t behave this way. I could never look at my husband in the same way ever again. Your relationship is horrible and needs to end before someone gets seriously hurt.

He needs to take early retirement and take the hit financially.

You're both focusing on '2 years time' when there won't be a relationship left at that stage.

He can't cope with the job he is in so he either retires, goes off sick or just leaves and gets a less demanding job.

I'm so shocked at some of the responses making excuses for the violence. Lots of people drink too much, lots of people work long hours in difficult jobs and have to cope with a lot of stress. They don't all go around punching their partners in the face!

And yes it is easy to control yourself when stressed. I've never punched anyone in the face no matter how much I've wanted to!

If he had punched her in the face everyone would be saying leave now! Call women's aid! You have to report it to the police!

I'm going to be kind - and realistic which MNers often aren't (see the propensity for LTB advice 🙄)

I think you have maybe been shoving stresses under the carpet because you appreciate you are both on your last nerve. Alcohol helped hold back polite reservations and you both let loose. Human response to needing a break badly.

I would suggest this horrible episode is a chance to start being honest. Let it be cathartic and acknowledge it.

I wish you all good and a happy, companionable retirement.

(My dh and I had a volatile courtship. There may have been violence involved. He was under horrendous stress for a 20 something yo - the kind most of us are only facing in our 50's. And my friends and family wanted me far, far away. Understandably. We are peacefully and reasonably happily married for 30 years now and have raised children who have not known disharmony at home so I disagree that mutual aggression always means The End)

This is so far beyond the realms of normal, I don’t know where to start.

I can’t believe some posters are trying to justify it.

You both sound like you need to go to AA, at the very least.

Sorry OP, another one saying you need to stop drinking. Ideally he would too, but you can't make him. However, you can take back control over your own life and wellbeing.

It probably feels as if a couple of glasses of wine makes the days easier to get through - but it doesn't. You would do better if you were sober, and could count on being sober consistently.

Come join us on the sobriety threads where there is huge moral support. There is so much to look forward to - energy, time, clarity, self-control, enjoyment, being at peace with yourself.

It's the one quick thing you can do to make things immediately better.