Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

I just cannot get my head around the idea of people who have a "good relationship" getting to this point.

Because you don't have a good relationship. You are both abusive, violent and treat each other like shit. One time is one too many, let alone five. The more you post the more it is blatantly obvious that this is the opposite of a healthy relationship.

DH and I have been through unbelievable stress. Caring responsibilities, job losses, bereavement, trauma from childhood abuse....the lot. We also both like a drink and probably drink too much. Never have either of us laid a finger on the other one. Being pissed and stressed isn't an excuse.

You were both so hammered on a Monday night with work the next day that you assaulted one another. But all I see is a long list of excuses as to how difficult things are and the fact that you can have a laugh and go on nice holidays means all is hunky dory. It isn't. A relationship that is great 95% of the time but you're treating each other like shit 5% of the time is not healthy for either of you.

Seriously, get help. I really hope your poor kids are oblivious to all this but having experience of alcoholic parents..... I bet they know.

He's a dispatcher?! That isn't stressful. You mean he's in the control room sending units out?

I'm sure when on the front line it was tough but he'll have had a plethora of support to deal with it.

He needs to retire before he blows the future you're both looking forward to.

Sorry I didn't mean socially acceptable to get in such a state. I mean how alcohol use is basically encouraged by society when it is such a dangerous substance for so many people and leads to such behaviour.

No, I disagree that it is "so easy to lose control when youre stressed" ive experienced massive amounts of stress and trauma through all sorts of awful situations, I've never, ever resorted to violence. Agree with previous replies that you both need to either really reduce or stop alcohol and try to make lifestyle changes regarding work and relatives that will reduce stress.

If this really is a one off, then you need to assess your lifestyles. You both seem under far too much pressure. Cut back on the workload or pay someone else to do it, your DH should seek counselling for his work stress, in fact you both should have councelling, separately and together. You need to step back from your abusive father and get help for him elsewhere.
Some very judgey comments on here. Not helpful.

I genuinely believe that extreme stress combined with drugs/alcohol can ruin the best relationships. No judgement here: I take your story at face value, OP.
I think you need to focus on reparating the bond between you two. Start by quitting alcohol. Also find ways to decompress/relax, both individually and together (that don't involve drinking!). Cut all the daily stressors, the simple ones you can control (caffeine, diet, physical activity, rest...). Therapy may also help you.
Repair and reconnect. Good luck!

You both need to give up alcohol, and dial back the stress, otherwise one or both of you could end up dead.

This incident should be a warning.

What's the point of working two more years if those two years are atrocious. He should sack it in, life is far too precious. Live off savings, eat beans and watch telly, but don't carry on the torture.

I have actually suggested this! But he doesn’t want to leave until his pension kicks in at 55. To be fair retirement at 55 seems jammy. 52 seems a bit too early.

My DH and I have been here, not quite violence but a couple of pretty horrible arguments when drunk. It was a huge wake up call for us both to find other ways to deal with our stress.

It sounds like things are very hard right now, can you find a way to take some time off and recover? You both sound like you are heading for burn out

He is now in an office based job, he needs to access more counselling to stop dwelling on other people's tragedies.

Does he have friends and hobbies? Does he keep fit?

So your husband is addicted to porn? Or he retreats into using it when he could do much better by being supportive to you.

The physical side, hitting and pushing to the floor...that could end up with one or both of you in hospital. And drinking so much you can't remember what happened?

It's a real slippery slope and things like that don't tend to stop. Only increase as your tolerance to such situations increases.

@Underoressure I'm guessing he's a paramedic, or possibly a police officer. In either case, he deserves support (and so do you.) Can he access therapy/counselling at work?

OK, it's happened. No one died and you both gave as good as you got.

What are you going to do to stop it happening again?

Thanks for this! Maybe I’m deluded but I don’t think 5 occasions (roughly) like this over 25 years is excessive!!

But he is cracking. He can't cope so he needs to take early retirement then maybe get a nice part time job in a shop or something.

My dh and I had a volatile courtship. There may have been violence involved

How very coy 🙄

At least you admit you’re absolving OP because you’ve also chosen a violent relationship. They haven’t had one violent episode - and one is more than enough - they’ve had at least 5. Not normal, healthy or desirable.

Who cares what 52 'sounds like', it's nobody else's business.

You can't carry on like this.

No I based it on her updates where she described him throwing her to the floor, screaming in her ear for 5 minutes and saying she’d lie about rape.

At this moment in time I'd like to punch the world in the face...

It’s very, very serious and unusual for this (a violent altercation aka domestic violence) happen once in a healthy, non toxic and stable relationship. Let alone five times. Even if over 25 years.

You haven’t responded to anyone about giving up drinking. It doesn’t seem like something you’ve ever tried to both do, despite knowing that drinking in your relationship can lead to violence and domestic abuse.

Why is that?

I didn’t say it was excessive, I said you sounded like you were reaching burn out.

You hit him in the face and he pushed you away and you wanted to phone the police?
He should of phoned the police on YOU

Busy lives / jobs is not an excuse for violence !

I feel sorry for your husband and he needs councelling or resign.
Can he work in a ambulance ontrol centre or something?

Fair enough but you haven’t and presumably wouldn’t actually punch anyone. That’s the difference. And I’m very very sorry for all of your struggles.

A man is physically stronger and can harm the woman more, BUT no physical violence is ok and OP was wrong for hitting her husband in the first place. Nobody should be fighting, least of all married couples.