Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

The stress has just finished you both off and its erupted .. you are both dealing with very stressful life situations.
Give yourselves a break reassure each other, dont be so hard on yourselves and see it as a reset , enjoy having a drink together unless you are feeling very stressed then on those occasions be mindful of each others feelings and leave the alcohol out .

Arguments get out of hand sometimes, but this is a bit beyond that I would say op. It’s bizarre to be that you’ve had repeated incidents of alcohol fuelled violent arguments like this before and yet both of you still drink. That would be my first step, getting help to quit alcohol altogether, both of you, I genuinely believe that’s the only way you could move forward here.

They’ve done this five times.

No it isn’t!

You guys need to just step back and reflect on your lives individually. If you say to yourself ‘we were just under pressure and something snapped’, you’ll keep making that excuse forever. You both need to slow down, change jobs / go PT, you need to get support for your father (homes, social services etc - don’t be a martyr), take a break and stop living to work. You’re in your mid 50s, start living.

It really is a slippery slope from there - next time you have a rare argument what’s the next phase of violence from you two? The drinking needs to be more controlled, a concrete agreement in place that this type of behaviour is off the limits and if either of you cross that line again, then no blaming, no excuses, that person needs to sort themselves out ASAP

If he’s a police dispatcher he won’t leave the control room and won’t see anything. I have no idea what police job he’d do that deals with THAT amount of nastiness day after day. You are exaggerating.

Police, fire and paramedics on the other hand deal with horrible incidents day in day out. DH has a team of young officers who had to deal with 8 suicides in 2 weeks. The young officers found it really hard as they are inexperienced.

If your DH has been doing this a while as a senior and struggles so much that he’s drinking excessively he needs counselling. He needs to step down.

You are self employed and do not need to work 7 days a week if your business is up and running. You also need to strop drinking.

Do you feel deep resentment inside towards him when your mum was dying, and for the way he's treated you at times, alcohol just unleashes that anger. "DrinkWell", the irony. What job do you do that requires so much of your time.

I wish I’d read all the comments before I replied !!!!

my ex was a copper…..that’s why he’s my ex !!!

For most people, no.

Dear @Underoressure
the row sounds awful. Really feel for you.
im not married but have been a completely loan parent and had a big job for many many years. Pressure (NOT life and death) but it got me down and I worried if I messed up there would be no other income.

I mention this because what helped me at my most exhausted and stressed times was to outsource every single thing I could.
Have a cleaner 3 or 4 times a week - get them to change beds, iron do as much as possible.
have a regular food shop delivered every week that you can just edit the night before so you never have to remember to book it.
Gardener as much as you need to keep everything maintained.

DIY man - literally outsource everything that will help you!!
Personally I would do the same with your father. If he’s been abusive …. But obvs that’s your call - I’m fairly low contact with my parents for that reason.

There’s lots of good advice on this thread and I’m sure you will come through it. Maybe this event will help you both make positive changes to your lives. There’s no point in living for 2 years time - try and make sure you have positive and enjoyable times now.
You need some time for yourself and if your DH still has to work before pension make sure he too can relax when he’s not at work and switch off as much as possible xx

Most people I know manage fine. You’re minimising and trying to pluck false hope from anywhere. The poster also mentions that if this has happened before or if it happens again her comment is moot. You’ve ALREADY told us it has happened before. All the holidays and date nights in the world can’t paper over these cracks. But you seem to think it’s all fine. And fuck me two bottles of wine on a Monday. What are you doing to yourself??

That poster noted herself that her points are moot if this wasn’t a one off.

You’ve thanked her and agreed with her but failed to mention that this is the fifth time this has happened with you and your partner. Five altercations like this is a huge number, even in a long term relationship.

The fact you’re still drinking despite knowing that it can lead to this sort of incident for you two is very troubling and indicates you aren’t in control of your relationship with alcohol. Is that something that resonates with you?

Did you drive the morning after drinking two bottles of wine?

I was about to say the same, and that's not being smug or superior. Losing control shouldn't be "easy".

oh absolutely. Men always say that after they've beaten their wives or GFs up. But that's fine isn't it cos they were stressed!!!!??

This doesn't sound like the foundation of a healthy partnership. Resentment over his porn habits that get/got in the way of him offering you proper support. And he is a police controller who is violent to his spouse. Sounds horrific if I'm honest, however many long haul trips you take.

Blimey OP. I’m not sure I could ever trust my husband again if he physically hurt me (in fact I know I couldn’t). I know, I know, she hit him first, and that’s awful (I’m not condoning it and I’ve never physically hurt anyone except my siblings when we were under ten!). But in most heterosexual partnerships the damage a man can do to the woman is much, much greater than vice versa, and the balance of power is very heavily weighted towards him when it comes to physical disputes. I find it hard to imagine you can bounce back to a loving and trusting relationship after any of this, honestly .
I’ve skimmed the thread and honestly your life seems bonkers to me. If you are so rich you’re going on carribean cruises every year and dates all the time, why on earth wouldn’t you sacrifice some of that for reduced hours or different jobs? Is money really so important that you want to live like this? Maybe it is and if it was just normal stress I’d say to each their own - I’m sure you wouldn’t like to be holidaying mostly in the UK, eating a lot of lentils and doing your own cleaning like me and probably would think I’m a fool for not upping my earning potential, and that’s okay! But this isn’t normal stress so it does sound like something really, really needs to change.
I would suggest that together you (a) get counselling (b) set a limit on alcohol or give up altogether and (c) make a commitment that it won’t happen again and discuss the steps to make sure of it. So something has to change by the end of a set period (like by the end of the month you both need to have made flexible working requests, or whatever you agree), to stop this drifting on and then repeating itself.
I know caring can put huge strains on relationship but even so, I don’t think this is normal at all so something drastic would have to change for me. Good luck.

Obvious to me as an alcoholic 22 years sober,that alcohol is the problem.When it starts to make you violent,you are in deep trouble.This happening once is bad,but 5 times!

No idea why you bothered to post,nobody with any common sense is going to excuse this behaviour.You could have killed each other.

Stop drinking,don’t pick up the first drink,all bets are off once you have done that .

There’s ’losing control’ to the level some people might (having too many drink for example) and there’s being involved in a violent assault.

They’re not the same thing and one is very extreme.

If you know that drinking while stressed can lead to this (as this is the fifth time) then why are you both still doing so years on?

Booze makes idiots out of people. I think you need to apologise to each other and try to work out how you are going to release some stress. The drink guilts won't help anything either. I hope you're able to find a way to make it up to each other. Good luck x

Because we don't see what you see. This list of things is all about money, not the relationship. He says terrible things to you, physically intimidates you, you both drink too much and you've now had a physical fight. That's not "golden" even if you do eat out and go away a lot.

It's not lying in that you're trying to deceive us, it's self deception.

I think the drinking needs to be looked into closely and honestly

Two bottles of wine in one night is a huge amount of alcohol. My exhusband was an alcoholic. Started the night as a jovial drunk then , as he got towards his 10th can of strong beer each night, he'd get progressively nastier. You are a drinker. Your husband is a drinker. My 2nd husband's late wife was a police officer. She said the vast majority of male officers were generally just a blink away from vileness. The outward show ( holidays etc) mean nothing . They are smoke and mirrors.

I think it is possible for two people to have a generally healthy loving relationship, but then external stressors can build up, and both people can crack. It's what can happen when there is not enough time/resources for each person to look after themselves and deal with their stress and overload.

@Underoressure it sounds like your life is currently very stressful, and your DH's as well - that sounds terrible what he has seen as part of his job, it would surely test most people's resilience. Obviously if this type of argument/ situation becomes a pattern, that's different, but if it's just a one off, I would see it as a response to too much pressure that you are both under.

I hope you both are ok, be kind to yourselves and hope both your situations improve soon.

He was on the streets for 17 years before he moved to his current post.

Speaking of coppers, my friend had a nasty abusive husband who was a cop. He cheated on her and got with the other woman who is a judge... And she was the one handling their divorce (not in the UK so not sure whether this would even be allowed in the UK, or whether they kept their relationship secret or what)