Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

Stop drinking. Alcohol loosens inhibitions and you two have a problem with it when your drinking ends up with screaming scenes and domestic violence. You're both using it as a crutch for stress relief. You both need to start a program. If you're drinking large amounts, you might need a medically supervised detox.

Individual therapy for you both. Not marriage counseling. He needs therapy with a trauma informed therapist if he's having trouble dealing with death on the job.

I don't believe your relationship is great if you went from zero to domestic violence with assault and battery. You have a relationshit where you do vacations and so on and then there's the 10% abusive shit portion. No one is abusive all the time.

I get it OP. Your lives are very stressful so you have a drink, one drink sometimes leads to too many drinks & a big argument happens.

From my point of view (two heart attacks before 50) I would be wanting to cut the stress now rather than waiting. Naturally, there’s not much you can do about your dad’s needs just now but do you both really need to work so many hours?

Are you drinking most nights (as this was a Monday & you both had work next day)? If so, neither of you might be firing on all cylinders each day. I know I feel much fresher & fitter without alcohol.

He needs to access occupational health to seek counselling in his own right to support him with his experience of work trauma and help him explore healthy coping mechanisms.
You also need counselling, with a particular focus on healthy boundaries in familial relationships and exploring healthy coping mechanisms.
I would not encourage couples counselling as if there is any form of domestic abuse in a relationship it is not recommended.

I'm just going to echo pp and say stop working 7 days a week. That's absurd. It's not like you're scrimping for a house deposit, you're well off.
Both cut down on hours, even if you retire a bit later. He needs counselling to deal with whatever has impacted him at work.
You need to get help to sort out how you manage the dependency of relatives.
I know that you've posted on here for help, which is good, so please consider all this.
Finally, if you find that drinking is a problem, please see your GP and start to get help, especially if you can't stop without support.
Best of luck.

This bears repeating! It is exactly on point.

I also knew this man would be a copper. The “life or death” stuff as an excuse for a melt down. If he is experiencing referred trauma from his job he needs to be in therapy and really careful to avoid self medicating and numbing out using alcohol or drugs. Because he won’t be able to control the slide into absolute violence and self destruction. If he is s leadership/senior role all the more so.

I am so annoyed that I cannot remember what he said !! Because it would make more sense if I could! I had ordered a case of wine from DrinkWell (no sugar wines I wanted to try), and had 2 bottles, the latter being 13.5% and I was off my trolley!!

What do you want to happen now OP? What changes do you think need to be made?

To have had so much to drink on a Monday night it resorted to this, I think it would be worth looking at your drinking and maybe laying off it when under so much stress. Three of me and DH parents passed away in the last 20 months and we were caring for them, we stopped drinking as it completely heightens all emotions when you're so stressed. In our case it would have been getting upset and not lashing out at each other but regardless, it doesn't make you feel better the next day when you have to get up and deal with stressful stuff all over again after drinking alot and feeling shit about the way things turned out the night before.

Can you retire earlier. Or he joins you in the business and sharw the load, downsize, work less.
How long has he been doing this eork
Do you remember why you actually hit him, it might be a clue to the real underlying reasons of what was bottled up and came out last night.
Sounds like somethings got to give

I can’t believe what an easy time you’re getting here op. If you can’t trust yourself not to hit someone you love, and if he can’t trust himself not to be verbally or physically violent to you then my advice would be to separate. It doesn’t matter how good the good times are, or how occasional the violence is. But I have a zero tolerance approach to violence in relationships, that’s just me.

In the nicest possible way - disregarding the abuse and violence - drinking two bottles of wine on a weeknight when you both have work the next morning indicates a serious drinking problem.

My Grandmother used to say never ever hit a man or deliberately rile him to the point of losing control. If he becomes emotionally or physically abuse leave him. In your situation OP you were both drunk & playing with fire. It's good to hear it was a one off & hope it's lessons learned by you both.

Instead of dwelling on how bad things got, use this as a signal to review your personal and working lives, and then make improvements.

From personal experience, drunken arguments are horrible, but the good news is that they are easily avoided 🙂

Don’t sweat it too much.
me and hubby are great together. We both work from home, and muddle along really well.
we laugh and talk constantly.

but a couple of months ago we had a stupid argument about ‘out of date beef’ which escalated to a huge slanging match where completely ridiculously hurtful things were said on both sides.
he pushed past me to get out of the kitchen which sent me flying and I retaliated by pushing him back violently.

we immediately recognised how out of control and totally out of character it was and talked and talked and managed to understand why.

every couple are entitled to argue … it’s still communicating … even if it’s not constructive sometimes.

obviously, if violence has happened before, or ever happens again, everything I’ve said is completely moot … but if it’s a one off, just try and understand ’why’….. and maybe just dont get pissed when you’re already stressed as it’s a recipe for disaster !!!!!

I wish you well x x

He will have staff support in the police force, there will be other jobs he can do, he could ask for redeployment, he could reduce his hours, he can get counselling for ptsd. You do not have an ideal relationship, you both drink too much, you both have tempers, he has been violent in the past, you both hit each other. Going on expensive holidays is irrelevant, no one cares, that money could be spent on cutting down your hours. Until you both seek help for your drinking and coping mechanisms this will just keep on happening and could get worse when you retire and are with each other 24/7.

If you both continue to drink one of you could end up dead after one of these arguments. Sounds like you both lose all control.

I cannot actually believe people excusing the OP here. They both did wrong, obviously.

But anyone saying that a man would get this kind of “we all need to vent” and “you were provoked” treatment is full of shit. Not in a million years would we see that.

“OP, you sound like a lovely guy. You’re out working hard and she didn’t bother to clean the house all day, then has the cheek to tell you to make your own dinner because she’s tired? Not right. After she shouted at you like that, I can see why you punched her. You’ve been working all day, you’re tired, you have your tax return coming up. That’s a lot of stress. We do often take it out on the ones we love most. You were provoked, women can be abusers, remember.

Once you’re feeling strong enough, speak to her about her laziness around the house. If she did more to help, this never would’ve happened. Good luck.”

Can't quite envision it, can you?

I’m sure the op said somewhere this is the 5th occasion of violence?

Upthread you mentioned him talking about a grieving colleague and how it took you back to him using porn while yoir mother was dying. Is that not what caused you to lash out?

Stop drinking alcohol as this seems to be the trigger for many people losing their temper,arguing or fighting
if you can’t handle it then stop drinking

Constructive, probably.

Yes, I think you're right.
It sounds like the OP hasn't come to terms with that situation, understandably.

This. Obviously I don't condone the violence from either of you.

However, I'd look at it as a wake up call. Your lives sound horrendous. We all need sleep, rest, time out and it doesn't sound like either of you are getting it. We all can only take so much and it looks like you've both reached your tipping points.

I do understand how hard it is to care for an elderly relative and you have my admiration and sympathy.

Most people only work those kinds of hours when they absolutely have to in order to keep a roof over their head and food on the table. Obviously that's not the case for you both. What changes can you make? Can you take a holiday to begin with? It sounds like you both need one.

Good luck @Underoressure

Thank you for this. It’s so easy to lose control when you’re stressed isn’t it?!

Why are you posting then?

also I find it notable that he took your phone off you so you couldn’t call the police, considering his job in the police.

Any decent member of the police shouldn’t block someone from calling the police like that. It’s quite sad and speaks volumes about his character.

In any case, given his injuries, it would be likely that his colleagues would have seen him as the victim and you as the perpetrator. So tbh I’d be worried if I were you, that you couldn’t go to the police should you need to in future as they’ll back him.