Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

I think you are reading the wrong thread. Where on earth have you gotten that from? OP is a woman. Her husband is a man.

I think you both need to detox. I’m speculating that your lovely long haul / Caribbean holidays include lots of nice elegant drinks because you don’t consider yourselves common alcoholics. Every so often, a bad temper or a spiteful word or a simmering resentment kicks the pair of you into a very explosive situation which could quite easily end with one of you getting injured and your husband losing his job.

If you choose to do nothing now, and the next few years pass calmly without any fights, by the time you both retire you could be in the throes of drink dependency, with the added danger of having nothing to do.

THIS ^. You are both under pressure separately for different reasons. You then both drank to excess and it all mushroomed.
Read Whatatodo79's comment and act on that.
"1stop drinking. Both of you. Immediately. Forever
2cut down your work hours. Both of you. ASAP. Forever. May require less spending.
3get some formal help for your dependent parent. ASAP etc
4stop drinking. Oh i said that."

Therapy (for each of you separately, not couples' counseling) might be helpful to get to the bottom of whatever issues have built up for each of you and also to deal with stress via more constructive coping mechanisms. It might even be possible to learn to spot the signs of heading toward a confrontation and defuse them before punches are thrown. The relationship sounds awful to me (he says unforgivable things, he was home downloading porn when your mother was dying and you still resent this, he sounds like he spends too much time on misogynistic conspiracy theories) but if it works for the two of you that's your business.

Quite how is it forgivable that the OP was the first to use violence? Would you say the same to her DP if he had been the first to throw a punch?

No, didn’t think you would have.

You say you have plenty of money, is it worth it for the stress? Maybe you need to change your lifestyle/ do less hours/ cut back and actually enjoy life and be happy

This sounds painful and like a massive wake up call that you both need to do some reflection. Either one of you or both are pushing your emotions / stress down and it comes out when drinking. Personally I would:

1. schedule some time off work. Even just a couple of days and grab pen & paper and write down what is going on in life and how you feel about that. Really take time to mull this over
2. think about where you should make tradeoffs. Clearly this work & care pattern is way too much & might ruin your marriage over time
3. Seriously consider stopping drinking.. it makes everything worse.
4. both of you deal with highly intense and stressful emotions (death / abusive parent / caring for family / an insane workload). Get support in place - a councillor for each of you, yoga, sport, a long holiday, you need a reset & self care. Nobody can manage that stress without exploding at some point
5. talk about this together, not once but multiple times, respecting each others input, no judgement and add to your thoughts over time until you’ve put it behind you.

take care, I hope you both find some peace & a reset xx

Your husband needs in house counseling and possibly a transfer as a police officer friend of ours did.

If you're working seven days a week. Time to hire someone at least part time to assist you.

Stop drinking like this. A police officer neighbour died in his armchair one night after one drink too many.

Booze and stress makes you unhappy and unhealthy.

"and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face"
jesus.

I think you know that you both drank way too much for this to become what happened last night. I think maybe don’t have cocktails when discussing life plans. Someone will always get rankled. Save the serious discussions for the day time. You’ll be fine. Good luck in your retirement.

Think individually you both need counselling, then also together as a couple. Cut the drinking right back it doesn’t help long term.
if you don’t both tackle these stresses of life one of might not make it to retirement. Also speak to your GP to see if they can help also get health check, menopause & stress kicked off autoimmune diseases in me. best of luck

Youre lying to yourself OP

You do not have an idyllic relationship

If you were to ask my parents theyd tell you theyre loves young dream for 40 years - they genuinely believe that, but its simply not true. Bevause manys a night when i was growing up that ended like the one you described.

This doesnt just "happen"

One or both of you is not being honest with yourselves.

In the immediacy, stop drinking. Permanently.

Then sit down and have an honest, frank discussion about where you both are.

I think therapy would also be a good idea.

One occasion is too much. Your relationship sounds toxic.

You both are toxic, and need help for your drinking and counselling. This isn't a happy marriage, even if you do go to the Caribbean every year and have a hoot. I hope your husband doesn't make a life or death error due to your toxic relationship.

I personally think one argument like this is excessive, where no one remembers what happened and there's physical altercation.

You're in your 50s, I would expect more emotional maturity, and you should both clearly stop drinking.

If you can't fathom not drinking, well that's a drinking problem IMO.

Yes they absolutely do.

This is exactly why people shouldn’t drink.

She hit her husband in the face and neither of them remember what they were arguing about. That implies that the alcohol is very much a problem.

Has there been a care assessment in respect of your father? You need to let social services know that you need to step back for the sake of your own mental health. Likewise, can you step back from your other demanding relative? What is happening there? And, as it's your own business, surely you can cut down your hours a bit, even if it does mean cutting down your profits - it sounds as if you don't particularly need a higher income.

Can your husband also relieve the burden at all, either by going part time or applying for a different job?

This is an abusive relationship

You both need to stop drinking. Find ways to cut your stress. Do youu have to work 7 days a week.

I agree with this. Too much booze on top of too much long term pressure and stress and you let it all out in a very destructive way.
You do need an outlet for this that doesn’t damage your marriage. When under a lot of pressure I went to an aqua aerobics class that honestly made me so much calmer. Pounding floaty things through water worked out a lot of my anger and stress and made me far less snappy with DH . When you are extremely busy it’s hard to carve out an hour for a class I know but it really helped me. I hate exercise classes normally but it was transformative.
So something that either makes you bounce around , or something that makes you laugh a lot. A couple of times a week if possible . And cut down on booze. Stop after one glass always, when stressed.

I have taken many very deep breaths reading your thread tonight. At the moment I don’t feel like being kind to you after you referenced something earlier that should NEVER have been brought to any forum. However, I’ll be as kind as I can.

You are the wife of a Police Officer and you referenced a case earlier claiming this was one of the reasons he was stressed. Anyone who knew about this case will know the force he works for. What you have to ask yourself is he’s a dispatcher, drinking every day and is he REALLY suitable for the job he does? You mentioned something earlier regarding the parents of a case you referenced which has been proven to be untrue by Police Scotland, the Health and Safety Executive and Scottish Fatalities Investigation Unit of the Crown Office. Please remember this if you choose to spread gossip or malicious lies online again.

I sincerely apologise for this post to everyone on this thread, I don’t mean to derail the thread but one post made by the OP was completely fabricated and deeply upsetting to members of the family involved.

I’m going to leave this thread and hide it now. My advice would be to be extremely careful what you post online @Underoressure

I’m a counsellor, and it sounds to me that you’ve both just snapped at the same time. Alcohol can make us behave in ways we wouldn’t normally behave and has possibly exacerbated things. Plus, you both have stressful and intense jobs!
I would recommend that you focus on each others positives, acknowledge that you both get it wrong sometimes and forgive. Any form of physical aggression is wrong. Lean towards remembering why you love each other and rebuild your relationship from there. Sometimes just laying together and holding each other can be a great starting point 🥰

OP I've had rather too many nuclear arguments but none ever turned physical and I can't really imagine what that feels like. Relationships are complicated, no judgment from me ( there's plenty on this thread already and you know it was wrong).

Sounds to me like you're asking the internet how this could happen. Why not, but you'll have to look inside yourself for an answer. Why would you do to your partner what perhaps you feel like doing to your father?

Take time over these questions. And yes, stop dtinking to excess.