Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

Meant to say love most and Sheer. Sorry fat fingers

Retiring at 55 is not jammy in a highly stressful job, 52 is not too early if it's affecting his mental health and marriage. Ex police officers can leave and find different jobs, security, all sorts of alternatives, you both seem to underplay what's happened.

Her first post says they are mid 50s, not 52.

??????????

Hadn’t read all the inbetween posts with all the added info abt rape/what he was doing while you cared for dying mother/5 times.

I am likely wrong, but I think both of you are actually struggling and that while you both love each other, there is lots of unacknowledged and unspoken stuff simmering beneath the surface. I would suggest that you take this argument as the warning sign it seems to be, and seek some counselling - together and separately. I think you may be kidding yourself that you are coping with an elderly relative, etc, but this argument should be seen as a moment when the delusion has been shattered. You are both bottling strong emotions up - I think you need to dig into them and work together to address the underlying issues.

Im not justifying violence, but alcohol def reduces your inhibitions so violence can escalate from an argument relatively easily.

Im glad to read you made up.

It sounds like a 1 off and I hope you can sit and talk through all the stresses etc you are dealing with so between you, you find the solution.

If it happens again though, you def need to go for counselling ir get out.

Wishing you good luck.

A police controller? Well, so am I. And I don’t attend life or death jobs. I dispatch officers to them and the majority of jobs called in are neither life nor death. Yeah sure it can be stressful but not quite like you’re painting it - unless the job title ‘police controller’ means something different where you live?

anyway, to my ears, what you describe is a relationship that’s been abusive for many years. You’ve stayed with a man who screams full blast in your ear while cornering you and says you’re the type of woman to lie about being raped and he’s with a woman who hits him in the face

it sounds like you’re alcoholics and there’s no real advice tbh as it’s a pattern of behaviour.

The only good thing is your children aren’t at home to see it

You seem to be making a lot of excuses and in denial about the seriousness of everything

And yet you say you have a wonderful relationship? Even though you've never got over your husband's porn use? Even though these physical fights have happened 5 times before? Even though you admit you both drink too much?

I'm not saying this to twist the knife. If you acknowledge that things really aren't perfect then you can work to improve them. You can have a fulfilling life and a lovely retirement with the man you love.

If you insist that last night was a complete once-off that happened in isolation, then nothing will ever be fixed. You will both continue to be miserable, stressed, on edge, drinking too much and occasionally assaulting each other.

The first step in recovery is admitting there's a problem. Your marriage isn't great. It's rocky. There's clear room for improvement. With hard work you can make it great.

Even 1 is excessive.

I’m really sorry but your upbringing with an abusive dad and a problem sibling has desensitised you. You are tolerating a little shit in an otherwise tasty meal.

His exposure to nastiness has desensitised him. This is exactly why there is workplace counselling. He is an incident waiting to happen. His misogynistic insult is just a symptom of a man holding appearances tightly together over an abyss of chaos.

Please don’t dismiss this.

It's really sad that you think that. You are deluded. One is excessive. Next time it happens one of you could end up dead.

It's not a once off. The OP has said it's happened 5 times before.

To be honest, I think you are in many ways. Genuinely, I don't mean that nastily, I think your radar of judgement on this is skewed. My dh and I have been together 23 yrs and had some good arguments in our time, but never abusive and never violent. We are also under a massive amount of stress, caring for elderly parents with dementia, raising teenagers, working all hours, passing ships, money worries and my partner works in public service seeing a lot of awful things and in a stressful role working shifts. You're not alone with that, but the reactions from both of you are wrong.

I know you're saying only 5 times and otherwise things are good but other things you've said sound resentful and like things have been trickier than maybe you're allowing yourself to believe. It's not saying you don't love each other, just that things haven't been all rosey. There's no reason you can't salvage and as you say, look to a lovely future. But it sounds like some big changes with work, drink and life need to be made to restart - and maybe some counselling?

I’m sorry you are both under such stress but you are in total denial about your circumstances.

Your first post suggests a one off incident that got inexplicably out of hand.

But, in fact, at least one of you is drinking to excess, this has happened multiple times before plus you have given other examples of terrible behaviour.

This is not ok and not normal.

you are both wound up stressed and tired, that with the booze is a toxic combination. You say that this is a highly unusual thing to have happened between you. Talk it through and put it behind you. perhaps you both need a holiday and some plans to relieve the pressure.

From what I can see from your information drip fed through the posts, you're used to being abused somewhat, and dutifully carrying on, as evidenced with your relationship with your father.
Your husband is a bully.
To make a comment so very low as to accuse you of being "the type" of woman to accuse someone of rape when it didn't actually happen, is very degrading. For him to have said this, there must have either been an attempt of him trying to have sex with you, which you didn't want, or you must have been having some kind of discussion around a something where he was using this analogy to say that you like to twist things - which is a god awful type of analogy to use in any case. Having slapped him as a response to him having said that shows how insulted you felt - so whatever it was he was referring to, he was intending on making you feel worthless and you felt he deserved it. But regardless of how he made you feel, you standing up to him caused him to throw you to the ground.
He isn't a very nice man OP.

He sounds stressed to the eyeballs and is very angry. He gets what he wants and it seems he treats people like crap.
Materialistic things only cover up so much
You previously caught him downloading porn. I imagine he will have affairs galore when he retires, if he hasn't already started to.

Question - what do you do for a living that demands you from the crack of dawn every single day?

I would pack your dad off to a care home and divorce!

No it isn't.

This really isn’t normal.

How do you think retirement will look? The stress may arguably be reduced, but boredom could set in, plus more alcohol. This could escalate if not properly addressed. It’s actually really disturbing to read about.

OP, you need tp consider stepping back from your abusive father.
You owe him notjing.
This is hugely damaging to your health.
The stress you are both under could wreck your health and retirement.
Rethink your stress levels and be kind to yourself.

90% fine.
Only 5 big rows ever like this.

You came to blows. This is serious. This is not ok.

If you think it's only drink that allows this then you have to stop drinking. Your drink problem might be as serious as your domestic violence.

Can I please circle back to your abusive parent, OP.

I want to tell you that yes he depends on you atm to sort out the carers and I know from experience how all that entails sucks hours and hours away from your life. It is ok to tell the authorities (his GP, adult social care, the care team, etc) that you are stepping back from the role of responsible adult and that your father's care will no longer be within your remit.

Please don't dismiss stepping back out of hand without thinking it through carefully. Remember you owe him no fealty.

I think it might be the liquor, combined with your life’s stresses, combined with anger at one another — combined with the liquor.

Combined with the liquor.
Alcohol inside the human body twists and molds and turns the psyche into either a sloppy mess or an angry, aggressive projectile.
And you launched it at one another and you both got madder and madder and madder.
And turned on one another.

Without the liquor, you might’ve gotten angry, but you wouldn’t have turned into monsters.
Would you.
Wasn’t a question.

Stop drinking. Have a few days away to a spa together. Then fresh start with no booze

The OP is a man - admits hitting his wife in the face then threatening to have her arrested when she pushes him away/to the ground in response. Jesus, the double standards of this thread.

Why do you think that? The OP talks about DH and says they have kids.