Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

It doesn't sound like a "golden" relationship to me. 5 violent events in 25 years is 5 too many

However , should you insist on believing its a golden relationship GIVE UP THE BOOZE and research how to alleviate stress (meditating might help you both)

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The problem is that both of you want to continue choosing the stress rather than choosing to decrease the amount of money you have coming in.

Your husband could retire, take a reduced pension, and do a part time job in a completely different area. You could jack in the self-employment and do something part-time that is less stressful. Or employ/promote someone to take on part of your workload.

But you are both choosing the money instead.

Keep doing what you're doing, and you'll keep getting what you're getting.

I just want to say that I've been in a similar situation. I was stone cold sober at the time. I knew my DP had said something really nasty but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was.

I told my counsellor about it and she said it's a really common response for your brain to block things out in particularly stressful/traumatic situations.

Once is excessive.

You need to both stop drinking.

He could resign now and get some less well paid work for 2 years, or live on your 7 day a week self employment earnings. You’ll have a smaller pension when it happens but can focus now on dealing with your alcohol problems and reducing your stress. Drunkenly attacking each is serious and very likely to escalate if you continue in such a stressful situation.

OP, 5 violent episodes in 25 years is 5 too many. Or at the very least 4 too many. The first one should have been the wake up call.

Plus he was looking at porn while you cared for your dying mother?

Plus he screamed at you for 5 minutes in the bathroom? (I'm not sure if that's one of the 5 incidents or not.)

None of the date nights or long haul travel are worth that. (Honestly, most of the couples I know who cite long haul travel together as a reason their relationship is so great are running away from problems at home...)

DH and I have had some corkers of arguments over our nearly 20 years of marriage, always at times of extreme stress. We've both said some unkind things. But we've never, ever laid a hand on one another. I think growing up in an abusive home has really skewed your view of what is normal and acceptable in a loving relationship, I'm sorry. I suggest both of you seek counselling and make some significant changes to your lives at this point or it may not be the happy retirement you've dreamed of.

It’s extreme stress , cut yourselves some slack and posting on mumsnet will probably make you feel worse .

@totalwinwin

OP, 5 violent episodes in 25 years is 4 too many. The first one should have been the wake up call.

5 too many in my book

I can't get over his comment about rape victims.

Do you have daughters op?

Yeah I agree with you actually - have edited my post to clarify. I meant if one happens you end the relationship, but you're absolutely right that it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I found it less shocking when she revealed where he works. Ask anyone who works for a women's or DV charity about the percentage of men employed by the police they come across as abusers 🙃

I agree here it does something to both sexes that exposure.

This, really. 40 million people saying 'give up alcohol' is hardly helpful.
In practical terms, OP can you drop a couple of days at work and up the outside carers for your father?
To all the people saying father was abusive so you should walk away, I don't think life/love/guilt is as easy as that. Also, does he have a call alarm?
The sibling in need of support- needs different support. A very firm time frame in which you can help. Buy an alarm clock and turn your phone off at night. Can your sibling get professional help?
Somehow, both of you need to do less. Give yourselves time to breath.

Wow MN is unreal sometimes.

how was last night OP? Did you discuss the incident and come to a way to move forward?
I did notice you haven’t addressed the posters suggesting that you should stop drinking - what are your views on this?

You need to re-evaluate your lifestyle. Both of you are working too much or at jobs that are too stressful. Rather than waiting for retirement, you need to make changes now.
Agree with others suggesting you both drink less too.
It was a one off. Learn from it and use it as a warning call to make changes and to reaffirm your relationship.

Unreal in what way
Suggesting that beating each other up during a fight isn't exactly a healthy relationship. Encouraging them to talk it out? That's unreal.

Is the 10% of the time where he tells you that you are the sort of woman that lies about being raped and corners you and yells in your ear for five minutes and throws you to the floor worth putting up with for annual Caribbean holidays?

It wouldn't be worth it for most women, but you obviously feel that it is an acceptable price to pay. If you stay together, you both need to stop drinking. One of you could inflict a serious or fatal injury on the other if this behaviour is allowed to continue.

I'm also not surprised about his job in the police. He is probably suffering from ptsd but I don't think he is fit to serve in his current state of mind.

This is what I thought too. He without sin cast the first stone or whatever it is (I'm not religious).

Humans do things that are out of character while under extreme pressure.

You need to reduce this pressure.
Your husband needs some EDMR or similar for trauma.

You need some time off. Money is pointless if it is causing the amount of pressure that results in this. His pension from the police will already be great. He's damaging his health. You're doing too much and need to slow down. You both need to forgive one another remember why you married and why you love one another and accept your humanity.

You are one another's safe spaces, if your relationship is good as you have said. We lash out at our safe people. You both went too far it happens.

The holier than thou types need to remember (& feel grateful) that they're human too and have likely never been in a situation that could bring out what is in all of us.

Too much booze and too much stress!

Yes, pushing you away after being hit is not a criminal offence. I don't believe something like this hasn't happened before. You hit a man you supposedly love and with whom everything is supposedly great with. You then say you are getting harsh responses when you don't hear what you want to hear. I think you need a bit of a wakeup, having a physical fight with someone should have been it!

The fact that this has happened five times in this relationship should be the wake-up call. Once isn't really forgivable, but if it really was once in 25 years then that's the definition of a one-off. Five times is a pattern.

I wasn't surprised by some of the other facts that popped up, which also fit this pattern. OP's abusive father: receiving abusive behaviour was ingrained in her from childhood, and maybe dishing it out was normalised in response. Her husband being in the police - a job that's a magnet for authoritarian, controlling men and where there are high levels of misogyny. I would be interested to hear about his childhood.

There's a huge focus on the booze and the stress but they're not the causes of the general pattern, they just exacerbate them. If OP and her husband quit both tomorrow the toxicity would remain (and sooner or later something else would make it bubble up again). I suspect the reasons both of them drink would be worth exploring by a professional - OP, you don't drink just for pleasure, do you? You drink to escape and to numb yourself. I expect the same is true of your husband.

It wasn't a one off.This is the fifth time. It's a pattern of behaviour.

The more you post about him - the misogyny, telling you that you are the sought to be raped, the screaming in your ears, and now watching porn while your mother was dying, shows he is nothing but scum. And I assume he wasn't drunk when he was deliberately downloading porn, so he doesn't have drink as an excuse there.

This is who he is. Scum, garbage. And he is one of the last men on earth I'd want to spend a week with, let alone my retirement with. You're still young enough you could find a decent man you know.