Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

They are stressed out of their minds. He's a surgeon or similar and that is huge, huge stress. She works 7 days a week and looks after elderly relative. Recipe for huge eruption of stress and anger. Not surprised. Without doubt the relationship is good - if it wasn't such a row would not have happened. We are not passionless metrosexuals round here!

Oh my word, this just gets better and better. From your perfect relationship and this never happens to your darling husband who works for the police (I just knew he would work for the police!!!) telling you you're the type of woman to scream rape......... Who was at home downloading porn whilst your mum was dying. It's always the same types, honestly, the scum density is off the charts!!!

A Quick google can identify those poor twins. Not sure why it’s relevant to the thread.

Was just thinking this. Can't tell if OP is dropping these bits in to try and disguise them or because she needs someone to tell her he's a prick or if she really doesn't realise it.

No, she said he's a police controller. A very senior police controller. And this man told OP she's the type to scream rape when it's not rape, and was busy jacking off his 1 incher whilst she was tending to her dying mum.

He’s a police dispatcher. And there’s no excuse for violence. There is every doubt it’s a good relationship. This is at least their fifth physical fight. It’s a terrible relationship.

@Underoressure It’s a real shame that you seem to think 5 violent altercations in 25 years is no big deal. Your bar for a healthy relationship is so very low, perhaps because of your abusive father. For reference, I have managed 30 years with DH with no violent altercations. We have never even sworn at each other. My parents managed 40+ years of the same before they died prematurely. My grandparents did 60. It’s entirely possible and normal to have a long and harmonious relationship that doesn’t involve any violence or aggression. I’m sorry you didn’t see that example in your own upbringing.

All long-term relationships will suffer stressful times. If one is lucky to live long enough, most of us will suffer major bereavements, illnesses, mental health problems, ageing parents, work stresses, the stresses of parenting… all very human experiences. When DH and I have suffered in life (whether individually or together), we have tended to pull closer together rather than trying to hurt each other. I recommend it as a healthy way to get through life’s suffering. 💐

You are so busy working, helping your sister and running errands for your dad, who probably doesn’t need them doing but wants attention, that you are ignoring your own needs!
What if, one of you, keels over and dies from a heart attack tomorrow? All the great plans for retirement, would be in tatters, and you’d know overworking yourself, spreading yourself too thinly until retirement, was a pipe dream.
You need to be scaling back now! You sound like you are a workaholic, trying to avoid having free time because everyone else expects too much. You are self employed, you decide your work hours, turn on answer machine and read emails the next day, or after the weekend. There is nothing shameful in saying no, why should you bend over backwards for your dad? He was an abusive bastard to you, your sister needs to start learning to self soothe and go to her GP and ask for therapy. You need time for you, to turn off your mobile and relax.
Your H, obviously with what he has seen and dealt with in the past, with his job needs therapy, he can’t keep all that in, it eats him up.
You are using alcohol to numb your emotions, as is your H. You feel, at the worst part of your life, nursing your mum, he wasn’t being supportive, he was too busy downloading porn, you felt betrayed and it felt like he didn’t give a shit about you. You can’t sort out any anger or problems out between you both, as you both are at crisis point. So you drink, try to numb it all, drank too much and you both took out your frustrations out on the other.

I don't mean to be horrible to OP but there's a lot of people in the police force like her husband. And the Reddit pro-police warriors dribbling their "nO AcKsHuAlLy tHe PoLiCe ARe mUCh MorE LAw AbiDInG ThAn The GenEraL PopUlaTion" rubbish are always ones married to the police... They should know. In denial and delusional. The police love a rape joke. He sounds like Wayne Couzdns. Honestly repulsive. 🤮

Jesus stop drinking ffs, you both sound like alcoholics drinking 2 bottles in one night in your fifties grow up.

You seem to have missed huge chunks of the thread, including some very relevant extra info.

but what screams out to me the most is that OP is clearly unable and/or unwilling to accept that her own alcohol consumption is a factor.

That is such an odd take. For one thing he’s not a surgeon. For another they have had 5 such drunken incidents that she admits to snd during an earlier crisis in her life he was busy downloading pirn. This is not a good marriage.

You don't hit someone you love. This is absolute rubbish and I'm speaking from experience as my ex wife is a teacher who attacked me when drunk .
The only reason police weren't involved was to protect her job and that is the sole reason. I knew the next morning when I saw the black eye and scraped face my marriage was over.
Stop kidding each other like I did for another two years. Your marriage is dead.

This is why alcohol is the 'truth serum'.

The depth of your real truth of how you feel, erupts.

Fantastic advice
OP and husband are super stressed

There's something very unhealthy in your relationship, and your updates show that it isn't the rosy picture you claim.
You also both have alcohol problems.

I get stress. DH and I have had periods of massive stress including bereavement, and definitely it can cause arguments, but we've never assaulted each other. That's messed up.

I think once is excessive!

Counselling does very little for PTSD. He needs specialised therapy.

He has form for saying unforgivable things sometimes. For example, in an argument one time, he told me that I was the type of woman to accuse somebody of rape when they haven’t been raped. I am 100% sure that whatever he said to me would have been horrific.

But your relationship isn't great most of the time.

You say above he has 'form' and says unforgiveable things.

Yet you forgive him and you're still there.

Are you minimising what really happens?

So what counselling does he receive?

As to your father, why don't you step back? If you're not available to someone who abused you, SS will have to step in.

Can you get help in your business so you're not working 7 days a week?

Has OP acknowledged the fact that she has quite a serious alcohol problem yet as I don't think I've seen anything?

Also if you're well off , close to retirement, why are you working 7 days a week?
You don't need the money and you say it's stressful.

Why don' t you cut back and get a less stressful life?

Are you a competitive A type personality?

If work if making you stressed - and relying on drink- you need to address this.
Money isn't everything.

Your health has to come first.

I'm with you

Displaced anger targeted at the person (both) you live most. Sheet helplessness on other issues such as job pressure and demanding work hours/stress of caring for a parent. Resentment bubbling, no relief from it mix it with alcohol and sadly and very unfortunately bang. A boundary crossed. Disbelief shock and sadness. It can too easily happen again despite good intentions. Find time to get the built up Adrenalin out of your systems and talk and decide if the price is worth you both clearly not being okay as individuals ito work life balance even if you’ve generally had a very good relationship. The fight was an awful symptom and of course people will say leave etc but deal with the cause. Don’t let it blow over with affection and comfort. Sorry you both went through this.

Drink is one of the world's pleasures. It is wonderful and adds sparkle.

However, if drink makes you violent - then don't drink.

(That goes for you both.)

I know - that is the voice of a spoil-sport.

Not everyone gets violent as a side effect - but if you are one who does, then it is certainly not for you. The danger you put yourself in and the danger you might be to others is too great a price.

There are other pleasures and better ways of getting away from stress.

You have 'got away with it' this time - and the last 5. You now know how angry you can be and how out of control. Don't risk it again.