Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

One incident that involves either party physiclaly attacking the other over 25, 35, 45 or 55 years is too many. Add in PTSD, immense stress, excessive alcohol consumption (drinking at hoome on a Monday night doesn't scream being really happy with life) and minimising the violence and abuse - it sounds awful.

No amount of trips to the Caribbean, date nights or pots of cash cancel out any of that.

Weird

Unless I’m missing something…why were you wanting to call the police when you assaulted him? Your post then reads like he pushed off him to stop the assault.

Why not just retire if you have plenty of money? Or downsize if you don't have enough. Or he could retire and help you with your business. Why put yourselves through this? You won't see normal retirement age at this rate.

It just threw me right back to when my mum died and I didn’t get any time off work, and furthermore when I was away tending to her when she was dying he was at home downloading porn. I have never got over it.

He has form for saying unforgivable things sometimes. For example, in an argument one time, he told me that I was the type of woman to accuse somebody of rape when they haven’t been raped.

And yet you stay?

OP I would consider deleting this thread. There are a huge amount of identifying info in this, if I worked for the force your husband worked for I have no doubt I’d be able to identify him based on the info you have given.

You also both need help. There is so much support he will be able to access through work. But you also need counselling too. And as everyone has said - stop drinking!!!

No she only wanted to call the police when he retaliated, remember her assaulting him is an 'aw bless poor you, you must have felt stressed, he deserved it' his defending himself is 'evil evil horrible, how dare he!!'

I can totally see how circumstances have led you both to loose control and be abusive to each other.

Youre both horrified. You’ve apologised to each other. Thars all great.

Now what I’d do next is
1- avoid too much alcohol. you’re both extremely stressed. Alcohol isn’t going to help and is more likeky to lead to another ‘episode’
2- seeing the picture for you - an abusive father, a sibling ‘with problems’- I think you need counselling, including learning how to put boundaries in place.
It’s all well and good that you’re here for people but as the saying goes ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. Running yourself to the ground and having no space for yourself (see the working 7 days a week) is not helpful to you.
3- your DH has PTSD. which is neither surprising nor unusual in his line if work. It’s also rarely acknowledged. Hed probably benefit hugely from counselling. For himself.

Starting from the view that, as you stated, your relationship is great, then it’s the relationship with yourself you need to look at. So you’re not dysregulated and out if control that you’re hurting each other.

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This important @Underoressure

He has PTSD. Has he been to a therapist? He is self-medicating because of the flashbacks. And is also being horrible, because PTSD can make you say really horrible things. It wasn’t ok that you hit him. It sounds like perhaps you are traumatised too from your abusive dad. Maybe you reached a point where you were lashing out at one of these men who bully you. Hard to know if you don’t know what he said.

It sounds like you both need psychological help. But him most of all.

Sounds like you're both alcoholics. You are also both under enormous stress and in need for individual and couples counseling.

He'll have had workplace counselling, they are very hot on this stuff nowadays.

He is now a dispatcher so a less stressful job. The fact he is still has problems indicates he needs to take early retirement and just have a fresh start.

Sorry can you have this post removed please? It’s very identifying, while I appreciate you’re both stressed there really is no need to bring up cases your husband attended. I find it very unsavoury to bring this example up and I know the parents of those children. To be frank I’m furious you have used this example in your post that YOUR husband was struggling. What about the parents? Get your facts right too.

you don’t have to do any of this.

you really don’t.

this has classic “wait for retirement then barely live long enough to enjoy it” written all over it.

you need therapy to understand why you have poor boundaries around your family.

he needs to explain why he doesn’t “want” to have no income for 2 years if you actually don’t need it. He’s literally killing himself…. For what?

You both need to take a month off work (leave, carers leave, sick, I don’t care what). Go away somewhere. Decompress for a 2 weeks before talking about any of it. Then spend 2 weeks making a plan for how you want to live the rest of your short lives.

Or maybe they have had to face the violent anger of a drunk spouse and resist the understandable desire to hit him back due to the the very real fear of provoking him further and getting really badly hurt? Obviously, OP's husband had no such qualms and gave as good as he got.

Don't go down this route. It doesn't matter what he said or how unforgivable it was, you are responsible for reacting violently.

It doesn't sound like he pushed you in self defence? If not, there's no excuse for his violence either.

I'd stop trying to justify it by who said what or how stressed you both are. Treat it as a wake up call and be more careful with alcohol.

Hi OP,

I'm glad that you came on here to talk about this. You are clearly in a very hard situation, both of you.

It sounds as though your DH has PTSD from his job. The thing about not being able to unsee all that stuff fits with that.

If you have an abusive father, it's possible that you are also used to being treated roughly and perhaps unaware that it is not normal.

Is it possible that your DH could ask for a transfer to a different job in the same organisation while he receives counciling?

When I was quite young I had a housemate who was a nurse in a very challenging role which was similar to your DH's early experience. It got too much for her and she switched to orthopedics which she said was mostly just being friendly to patients and ticking boxes. It gave her space to recover but was still earning.

Could your DH do that and receive some urgent councilling?

It sounds as though you need to cut your hours down and you both need to stop drinking entirely.

I worry that if there have been 5 incidents before then there will certainly be another one if you keep drinking. If one of you is seriously hurt or killed or ends up in jail then your wonderful planned retirement will be right up the chute.

Take care there both of you. It will be okay. You just need to get off the conveyor belt and back onto your feet again.

You need to get off the sauce, reduce your hours & get counselling.

If this has happened 5 times before have you down played the number?

At the moment you & your husband are toxic together. Yoh need to get away from each other,

All the stress, porn, saying awful things then hitting f each other. Is this what you want?

Would you let a friend say horrible things? Would you hit a friend in the face?

@EllieRosie I’ve reported the post you mention, completely agree with you.

Came here to say the same

Thank you. I’m disgusted the OP has used a specific case as an example of her alcoholic husbands stress.

I would definitely cut out the booze, it’s no good for anyone physically and can cause lots of trouble. You sound like you are pretty well off but you are both working extremely hard. Could you not make savings by cutting out on unnecessary expenses and luxuries for a while e.g drink, holidays, budgeting weekly food shop even down sizing your home to enable yourselves to get to your retirement goal sooner or even cut down your working hours to spend more time on your selves and family life. What is the point of working yourself to the bone if you are tired, miserable and wishing your lives away?
Health and wellbeing should be prioritised, especially as you get older. No one wants to spend their later years in bad health.

I've reported. As PP, I agree with you.

I do think it’s excessive and tbh I’m quite concerned you don’t. The first time it happened should have shocked you into it never happening again, but instead you’ve sort of given yourselves permission to let things go further than they should.

It seems to be about exploding under pressure with alcohol as the trigger. So you both need to find ways of managing stress without turning to alcohol.

At least you aren’t holding resentment and bitterness in which happens in many marriages, so there is that.

Drink is a powerful thing. If you both know you argue when you both have had a drink then try and cut it out or cut down. Easily said I know. You have too much going on to bring drink into highly stressed lives.