Really heartbroken

[YourBrickTiger]

Hi - I am just hoping for a little help here...haven't been through a situation like I'm currently experiencing and it's very painful to the point of making me sick.

If I can kindly ask that no one advises against workplace romances, as I work with several couples, some of whom are married and even one who is divorced. I know a lot of people in my place of work who met here and are now married and still working together. So I thought it was ok for me too.

I don't have a support system. My parents have both passed away and friends that I do have keep everything at a surface level, which has made me unable to discuss this, therefore I apologise in advance for the length. I can't face anymore harsh criticism, so if you don't have time to read this as I understand it is very long, or you are critical of me, please be kind. I'm blaming myself enough.

I met a man, a colleague who I really liked, about 8 years ago, admired from afar as he was married and never gave it much thought other than I thought he was a really nice decent man. A few years after we started working together, he told me that his second marriage was on the rocks and that he felt unlovable. I told him that I thought he was very lovable and made a joke that if I'd marry him if they were to split. Again, didn't pay it too much mind and thought nothing would ever happen, went about my life. Another few years passed without incident.

As Covid was coming to an end, and with his marriage over, we had been getting on very well at work and one night out of the blue, he rang me and we talked for 5 hours about everything and anything. I had been single for a long time after an abusive relationship with a man from outside the UK who just disappeared on me one night after living together for almost a year. At this point, I hadn't had a relationship in 11 years and wasn't looking but I was really really drawn to this guy at work. We had a lovely conversation but again, nothing much to report afterward.

A couple of months later, I plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd like to have another phonecall (facetime). We were essential workers and still in the cloud of the pandemic so thought this was the best approach. I wasn't prepared for his response. At this point he was 49 years old, he stood up, started to rub his chest, said 'oh God no no...oh no...this is making me really uncomfortable...' and left the room. I had rehearsed this in my head all day waiting for the right moment and this happened. I was completely mortified, hurt and eventually went home and beat myself up for not being cool enough or maybe even good enough for him. When I woke up the next morning he had called me three times and sent me messages to see if I was ok. I texted back how shocked I was and how I had obviously misread the signals, but told him he was someone I had grown to like very much and that it wasn't my intention to upset or scare him. When I got back to work a few days later, he'd stopped speaking to me.

This went on for a couple of weeks so I just kept my head down and got on with it. Another two weeks passed and all of a sudden, he was trying to make me laugh again, which he always could. I was relieved he seemed ok, but just left him to it. We started to get on better, and for his 50th I bought him a silly gift, no one else in his life seemed to make an effort, so I wanted to do something for him. On one of our dates he told me that his friends dog had used it as a chew toy. (It was a bottle opener made from wood).

We would be here all year if I told you the full story but although he and his wife didn't divorce, they separated, and he said he wanted nothing to do with women for a year. This to me was fine and healthy but he made a huge announcement to me about it. Feeling it safe, I said 'well if after that year is up, would you like to have a coffee with me?' and he said 'yes...I will have a think about that'.

No more than 2 weeks passed, when we were alone and he asked me out. I was elated! We set a date and he was calling me and texting me in the build up to it. All his nerves seemed to have gone. He sent me photos of himself, went through my socials and complimented me on my photos. He even sent me a few intimate pics. In work that day he kissed me for the first time.

We had arranged for him to come to my home, as I knew him so well this wasn't an issue and we were going to have a few drinks. I made a real effort, scrubbed the house until it was shining, and made myself look really nice, I thought. He arrived at the time we arranged. We sat down for our first drink and he immediately started to become nervous again. He admitted to being nervous and I just soothed him, telling him to relax, it was just me etc...but he said 'no no I have to leave'. He was only with me despite the massive build up for 5 minutes. I was completely and totally distraught and thought it must be something to do with my looks, or weight etc. I'm not stick thin and quite curvy but he had been paying me so many compliments I thought he was attracted.

I had the awful situation of having to face him again in work but I just tried to walk past him with a brief hello. It was agonising - he did attempt a short apology but in his words it was 'sorry about everything I just got all'...and made this funny noise that you would make as if you were shivering or something.

I had developed feelings by this point but just had to try to get on with it. I was hit with various other awful things like him accusing me of stalking one of his exes. He blew up at me in work as I had clicked on her profile when she came up as a friend suggestion. It was genuine. She is friends with my cousin and I have family in the area he is from. He defriended me from facebook as I had clicked 'like' on this ladies nails, and then once I realised who she was I unliked it. Thinking no harm done, but he found out. He was SO angry with me. It crushed me that he had deleted me and when I tried to explain the family connection, he put his hand up in front of me and said 'I don't want to hear it'. When I said 'Please let me explain!' he shouted 'F* off' at me infront of my colleagues.

There is a lot of other stuff that has happened but that Christmas he approached me again after he started talking to me again and we slept together. He told me he knew how much I had fallen for him and that he just needed time as he admitted he didn't know what he was doing with his life. I told him to take all the time he needed. A few days later, he stopped speaking to me again. He approached me for another date which I agreed to and at the time he was due to meet me, he cancelled, saying he wasn't quite ready.

Then he came round again - this time my idea I admit it as I couldn't let him go. We became more involved and he came to my home, asked to see my family albums, made me promises about holidays, the future, said I didn't have to be concerned about money anymore (I'm very independent so it isn't a money issue anyway but was nice to have support). We were close, talking on the phone, being intimate, he even said 'imagine how everyone in work will feel when they find out we've been together for like 8 months' or something..! He told me he wanted me to meet his family, and let me facetime with his sister. It was clear she knew who I was and paid me lots of compliments, telling me she only wanted him to be happy. I said I would never hurt him and would always try to make him happy. He told his sister that I would do anything for him and he told me he felt I was his soulmate. He told other people (who told me) that he had told them he knew I had fallen for him and that I was a lovely girl who would make a wonderful wife.

On the day we were due to meet his family, his whole demeanour changed. We woke up and even his facial expressions were different. He said 'I have to go now' and when I enquired about the family he said 'we'll do it another time'. He assured me he wasn't coming back but I didn't hear from him for 5 days. He sent a text to say he wanted to be alone, he didn't love me, he knew I loved him, that all it was was 'sex and a drink', and that he knew I'd react badly and he had to go because I was stressing him out.

I totally and completely fell apart but managed to sort of hold it together at work. Despite his text, a month later he approached me again, asking for another chance and when I asked him why he had told me he didn't want me, his explanation was that he had just freaked out because he knew I had such deep feelings. Of course I agreed. Nearly as soon as I agreed, he turned cold. Despite the fact we'd made a date, he became cold with me. When I asked him why, he said 'I'm not going back there, I can't do it'.

This was the only time that I visibly cracked at work. Someone saw me crying and told my colleague who told him. He became so so angry with me that he arranged a meeting with me and my boss in which he said in front of my boss 'I did not make love to you - I f*** you'. My boss said nothing. He told me he could 'get any girl in a bar and take her home' and told me that I had caused him a total nightmare.

I took some time off work and when I returned I didn't go near him. But apparently made one fatal mistake. I borrowed his coffee cup. One day when I forgot my own, I used his. Washed it thoroughly and put it back. He found out about this too because someone started to tease him about me using it and he apparently laughed. But with me it was a different story. He took the cup home and said 'I don't like anyone using my stuff'. Despite having been in my home etc.

For the next month he stopped talking to me and texted my colleagues to say things like 'Tell her I'm hiding in the toilets' or 'has she gone yet?'. I was so devastated because all I had done was borrowed a cup. I hadn't bothered him, begged him, stalked him, annoyed him, nothing at all. I had left him alone. I begged my boss to talk to him, to get him to stop and he said he would not speak to him, but would keep an eye on it. It continued for over a month with no help until I begged my boss. I was so humiliated and because of this, decided to move to a different department.

On the day that I moved, the guy was coming out of the department I work in. I don't know why he was there but he shouted 'Good luck in the new job!' at me and walked on. I have rarely seen him since but if I do bump into him he is very nice, talkative wants to show me pictures on his phone etc. I do not understand this behaviour. He was hiding from me, but now he's being nice?

Because of everything that has happened, I have become a shell of myself. I work alone now, with very little interaction with anyone, I've isolated myself and feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want me around. He has remained in his position, which I guess is down to me as I didn't make a fuss as I would never have wanted him to be hurt. So I've carried it all. I felt I had up to a point a good relationship with my former boss but he didn't speak out for me or help me with some of the language that was used, the hiding in the toilets and the silent treatment that the guy inflicted in work. I've heard rumours of being called names like Baby Reindeer which I never was. I never stalked him, called him repeatedly, went to his home, didn't do anything harmful to him at all. He said that 'you went about it all the wrong way'. I have never asked a guy out before so that was a huge knock.

His kids don't talk to him anymore and I had hoped he would be able to reconcile whatever happened with my help but it's never happened. He told me his ex wife has turned them against him.

I've come away thinking that I'm a freak, that there is something the matter with me because I fell for someone who I genuinely liked. It is killing me, I've had to have therapy but nothing is convincing me that I didn't cause this by loving him and by believing he was just scared and giving so many chances. There are days I just don't cope at all, then days I really do, and days I really miss him so so much. I believed he was a different man, I still do believe he's lost and afraid but I don't know why he had to do this to someone who had been so kind to him and loving for so long, even when we weren't together. My fear is now that I'm no good for anyone and never will be. I'm 49 now and can't get past it. No matter what I try to do it's like a black cloud hanging over me. I really doubt myself now, all my interactions with people and fear because I'm not picture perfect, or picture thin that this happened to me due to that. To me he is very handsome, so maybe that's it? I am so scared for my future now, and my health is declining. I didn't know it was such a crime to be in love but if someone does hide from me in the bathroom, it surely means I'm repulsive? Out of everything I had shared with him and everything he knew, the hiding is probably the worst. I have thought of ending my life because if I am that bad what is the point, but I am trying to believe that maybe this isn't my fault? I just don't know anymore and thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who takes the time to read this and for letting me talk.

He sounds deeply mentally ill. The workplace sounds like a total failure in terms of appropriate behaviour and safeguarding. You sound like you need a lot of therapy to help you with your self esteem.

Again thank you so much for bearing with me while I talk about this. Your responses are very comforting to read if that's the right word in that I have been blaming myself and was sure it was all my fault for not being enough.

I explained early on , although appreciate not everyone will have the time to read it all, that he blocked me when I clicked on one of his exes profiles by accident (friend suggestion and hit a 'like' before I realised). So he has me blocked. I am friends with another member of his team who I was talking to just now, who forgot himself for a moment and told me that there is a young female MOS who is 20 something and 'my guy' for reference, apparently said in the workplace 'oh I'd give her one!' and started doing the actions. This is what I was subject to for 5 years in the team and it was never managed. That sort of talk I mean - so to me it's normal.

Aside from him, the biggest challenge I'm facing is my former female colleague. We had confided a lot in each other over the years especially during Covid. She had let me know that she was having an affair (her husband also worked with us) and I confided in her about this guy. She did try to warn me about him as she had seen his treatment of other women. I in turn, didn't say anything about her affair. We became quite close and I thought we were friends. But when I really needed her, she was nowhere to be seen. She has since applied for a supervisor job and is not only her ex husbands supervisor now, but also 'my guys' supervisor. I have not seen sight nor sound of her since her promotion and when I've queried have I done something wrong, she says she is just busy. She knows about the d* pics and laughed. I even asked her was there a conflict of interest now and she said no.

But in my mind all of these things are being knitted together and it's horrific for me. Because I work alone now I have these theories in my head that everyone is against me. I have to stress that this woman knows what 'my guy' is like and what he has done - she has the measure of him and has even called him a dickhead. But because I don't see her now, I think are they all against me are they all glad to see the back of me, am I really that bad? There's days that on top of everything else really really gets to me to the point of extreme anxiety. I really thought she was my friend but I've seen a different side of her since this promotion and although I know in my heart she would set him straight about some of his behaviour towards me, the fact that I have now lost her too, has my mind in spiralls. It's really hard being part of a team with what has happened, only now to be working totally alone wondering what is being said etc.

You need to get out.

I'm doing ok if someone starts to talk about him I just say 'no please not in front of me' but if I'm caught off guard it's really hard. Like he said that about a girl 30 years his junior. He also (when I worked there) and got a new car said to a 25 year old 'do you want to come and see the semen stains in my car?'

I know it sounds terrible and it isn't what I should be thinking of but it's that talk that makes me feel well I'm washed up now I'm 49.

He's failed at two marriages and his children don't want anything to do with him. Says a lot. Then gets into this hot and cold behaviour with you but it's all your fault according to him. He's a classic narcissist and gaslighter and will probably never have a successful or meaningful relationship in his life.
He deserves your contempt. Use your therapy to build back your self esteem and waste as little of your time and emotion on this horrible man who absolutely doesn't deserve it.

You don't love him. You can't be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. FFS he doesn't even care about you at all!
You are obsessed with him and who he seemed to be at the start. You need to go work somewhere new and get over this infatuation and limerence as you are getting a reputation by the sounds of it. This isn't lovely, it's using and obsession and placing everything on this one loser who will never ever love you and give you what you need

What do you mean a reputation? I've stayed out of anyone's way for well over a year. I haven't went near him and you make it sound like it's my fault? I get a reputation while he's allowed to get his penis out and no one says anything? I started my thread and kindly asked for kindness. I appreciate your opinion, but I also don't need to be made to feel worse about a situation that has already nearly killed me.

Did I say it's fair for you to get a reputation? It's incredibly unfair. But this guy, your boss, the female coworker and the entire work environment sounds like an unfair and frankly shite place to work, where middle age men talk to colleagues half their age about semen. You need to leave. I'm not being unkind I'm trying to help you see that YOU DONT LOVE HIM.

Dear God, if you can clearly see he is at work in the dick pics, I can see why your colleague has backed away. She has been promoted, if it ever blew up, that you’d been sexually harassed at work and sent inappropriate images, with the background being clear enough to see it’s at work,she could get dragged into it all as she saw the pics.
It’s a toxic workplace, the company could be in big trouble legally , especially the unprofessional behavior of your abuser and your manager’s response, the fact you had to leave that office because felt you had no other option, should be investigated, let alone the dick pics sent to you at work.

Ah I see, I understand. Thanks for clarifying that for me. I really have done what I am able to now, to move away so I don't see him. If I was that obsessed I would have stayed. I'm just trying to get advice about these horrible feelings of pain and isolation. I've been in this workplace so long that it's become the norm for me. He even told me that he masturbated in one of the offices one day. And he is not the only one - the female also did.

OP, I know everyone is saying this isn’t your fault but you do have to take action to stop this nonsense from continuing. You need to leave that place of work, you can’t stay when you are in such a vulnerable state. You are mulling over all the details but it’s all irrelevant really. There’s no doubt he is awful but all that matters now is getting him completely out of your life and mind. It’s pointless endlessly ruminating over this unless it’s with a qualified councillor.

Other posters are making out that you were completely helpless but I think that is doing you a disservice and making out you are totally incapable of making good decisions. I think you did make mistakes especially in that you continually choose to ignore all his terrible behaviour. However, you can learn by those mistakes and make sure you don’t get caught out again. Don’t beat yourself up for it. EVERYONE makes mistakes. You need to look forward and not backwards.

Has no one told you if someone treats yiu bad it’s on them you are not responsible for their behaviour. You are however responsible for your own behaviour so i suggest you never speak to him again this would be your best course of action. If he does stop you to talk just say “im too busy bye” dont explain yourself to this scum bag. You sound too nice to be with him anywsy. Get some therapy work on your own self esteem you deserve that for yourself. Oh and remember people only treat you how YOU ALLOW them to treat you !

apparently said in the workplace 'oh I'd give her one!' and started doing the actions. This is what I was subject to for 5 years in the team and it was never managed. That sort of talk I mean - so to me it's normal.

@YourBrickTiger This is NOT normal. It objectifies the woman and reduces her to a sexual commodity. Do you want to be with a man who does that? If this type of conversation is part of the workplace culture, it contributes to a degrading environment for women generally and specifically for the woman being discussed. It's like living Life on Mars.

Employers have a duty to prevent sexual harassment. If such a conversation takes place in the workplace the employer can be held "vicariously liable" for the actions of their employees if someone reports it. Mind you they sound pathetic, so I'm not sure what higher level it can go to outside the company. Someone might be along to tell us that.

This fool has a fundamental lack of respect for women and thinks they are sexual objects rather than individuals. This isn't something that typically changes when a man enters a relationship. I've spent weeks talking to my friend about a man she knows who does this and she says she's told him she doesn't like it and he just laughs. He will never change and the bloke you are talking about won't either because THIS IS WHO THEY ARE.

Instead of calling him My Guy in your posts (which I know you are doing for clarity) think of something really putdownish.

Thank you, I am taking the time to read each response in turn and am grateful for them all. I know I'm not helpless but I was so desperately torn between the person who he presented himself to be, the person who showed up and then the person who kept coming back saying 'oh I just got scared'. I was trying to be patient and give him 'time' as he said he needed.

I'm not sure if any of this stems from losing my Dad at a young age. It changed my entire family dynamic and I 'sort of' felt I 'lost my Mum' then too as almost immediately a friend of hers who is very overbearing, very lacking in boundaries and very manipulative, was suddenly everywhere, to the point I never got even a day out with my Mum without prearranging it, even in my early 20's. It was like that for over 20 years. I felt completely irrelevant and cast aside. I don't know if that's even relevant.

I think you are right about the workplace. I've removed myself from that environment but it does bother me greatly what they continue to get away with. All the openly sexual talk is condoned and I think that is what partly makes me feel like this was my fault because everything they talk about, even with the female supervisor joining in on it passes without any incidences. And my mind is in such a bad place that if I even hear about him saying things like 'oh I'd give her one!' about a 20 year old, I go to places in my mind like 'well if I looked like her I'd still be with him'. It is frightening for me because I know it isn't normal for a 53 year old man to talk about a woman like that especially one young enough to be his daughter.

Ugh. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. This is simply who he is. And who he always was. Girl you need to get ahold of yourself. If you step in dog shit just throw the shoe away and buy another pair. Stop clinging on to a pair that’s dirty and worrying about the fact that dog’s poop everywhere. Just walk around the next pile.

Urgh, he sounds totally fucked up. You are supposed to have your shit together at 50. He sounds like an absolute flake. And you are too old to be putting up with such nonsense. You deserve a grown up, not this man child.

He’s a 53 year old predator who is old enough to the this girl’s father but has no relationship with his own children.
Even the man he played at the beginning never existed. He doesn’t exist.
You were never with him, not in the sense of having a proper, decent relationship. So stop thinking about it I was X, Y, Z, I’d be with him because you wouldn’t. He’s a predator.
Losing your dad, and then losing closeness with your mum has had a terrible effect on you and now, as an adult, you are so desperate for love (and it’s not a criticism, lots of us have been there!) that you have literally allowed yourself to be used and abused.
But do you want to stay a victim?
The friend you mentioned has just moved up and has had to leave you behind. Who’d want her job? I’m not sure what industry you are in but it sounds appalling.
You need to leave.
You need proper mental health support.
You need to stay single until you are better.
You need friends, and interests and a life of your own.
If you stay stuck like this you are going to make yourself seriously unwell.

I fear I am already very unwell. I only function because I have bills to pay and no one to fall back on. My friends have told me that he's off limits and everything with them has to be happy happy all the time, so I can't talk to them. It's been suggested that I need to check in somewhere but how would I do that? I'd lose everything. I don't feel desperate for love but it would have been nice to have had someone to hug and be with. He's left me feeling I don't even deserve that. He even took things I'd told him in confidence about my struggles and threw it in my face in that meeting.

Have you spent a lot of time talking to your friends about this man over the years? I have with my friend, she has been in destructive relationships for three years with one after the other. It's now off limits, and we do what you have called surface things - eat together, watch a film, listen to music, chat - but not talking about guys.

If you have a social circle could you do that? Arrange a few nights out when you do something fun and really don't bring him along (metaphorically speaking I mean, so no talking about him), so you get to do something different, have an escape from it and just some time out? My friend says it takes her mind off her worries. It's a respite for a while at least.

Talk about him here, and with therapists when you get one booked, but not at work, and not with friends. Give yourself time out from him. Remember the words from Faith "I need some time off from that emotion, time to pick my heart up off the floor" - give yourself that time off.

And then start to think of other things you might want to do or go to. Just make that start and make something different happen.

Also try to make contact with Women's Aid, or some women's network to talk about the sexual harassment in the workplace with someone. They may be able to have some ideas. Worth a try.

You should be feeling angry, you seem to be stuck at the humiliation, he fucked about with your feelings, let down by management, who turned a blind eye and being isolated from your colleagues, because he told them, you’re were a stalker. Both him and manager, were both unprofessional, you were basically made to feel, you were the problem. If you took this further, you could really fuck them over. That’s why your old manager blanks you, he knows, you have the evidence to get him in a lot of trouble.
You have to start applying to other companies, the sooner you can leave, the better.
Personally, If it was me in your situation, I’d study the background of his dick pics, to see if he had taken them at work, I’d find exactly where he had been standing and took a video, zoom the camera round slowly, so you can see 100% it was at work, so you can see its at work and take pics as well. I’d take it up to a female HR, with photocopy of evidence. I would look to see if I had any evidence, I was at work, on the day and time, it was sent to me. I might’ve even phone non emergency police number and tell them, last year you were sexually harassed at work, get it logged and see if they can investigate and press charges. I’d blow that fuckers world up and try to get him sacked, I’d then go back to my old office, with my head held high, look everyone in the eye, sit down and begin working.

Take the blinkers off. He is an ARSEHOLE. And you sound lovely.

No I just told them the basics. My friends have very high self esteem and it was just hands up ‘not discussing him’. They didn’t and haven’t checked in with the depression that has hit afterwards. Not one of them has visited my home since my Mum passed 5 years ago. If I want to see them it is up to me to go to them. I thought friends were meant to be supportive. They aren’t. I sit alone at Christmas birthdays etc. Sorry that’s pathetic. I can amuse myself. I do travel alone. But each of them still have their parents and I don’t. I know with each meeting I have to put on a brave face or I get ‘the look’.

Yes they were taken at work and in uniform with one with his pass showing. I told the female boss this (my so called friend) and she laughed. Said something like ‘aw you know how they get on in here!’ Oh that was the other thing he said between break ups ‘I was only with you cos I was horny and on coke’.

sorry everyone.

He sounds like he's actually deranged to be honest, and you've not described a single redeeming quality. The question you need to ask yourself isn't what's wrong with you, it's why you're attracted to someone who's objectively a massive twat.

Please stop going in circles. You don't need to be "perfect looking" for men to fancy you or treat you well. Perfect looking women get as many of not more complete bastards.

Thank you it just really hurts that she has abandoned me too. For her job. She shoukd have left too imo. She divorced her husband who is in the same team but is now his supervisor. The whole place is crazy.