Really heartbroken

[YourBrickTiger]

Hi - I am just hoping for a little help here...haven't been through a situation like I'm currently experiencing and it's very painful to the point of making me sick.

If I can kindly ask that no one advises against workplace romances, as I work with several couples, some of whom are married and even one who is divorced. I know a lot of people in my place of work who met here and are now married and still working together. So I thought it was ok for me too.

I don't have a support system. My parents have both passed away and friends that I do have keep everything at a surface level, which has made me unable to discuss this, therefore I apologise in advance for the length. I can't face anymore harsh criticism, so if you don't have time to read this as I understand it is very long, or you are critical of me, please be kind. I'm blaming myself enough.

I met a man, a colleague who I really liked, about 8 years ago, admired from afar as he was married and never gave it much thought other than I thought he was a really nice decent man. A few years after we started working together, he told me that his second marriage was on the rocks and that he felt unlovable. I told him that I thought he was very lovable and made a joke that if I'd marry him if they were to split. Again, didn't pay it too much mind and thought nothing would ever happen, went about my life. Another few years passed without incident.

As Covid was coming to an end, and with his marriage over, we had been getting on very well at work and one night out of the blue, he rang me and we talked for 5 hours about everything and anything. I had been single for a long time after an abusive relationship with a man from outside the UK who just disappeared on me one night after living together for almost a year. At this point, I hadn't had a relationship in 11 years and wasn't looking but I was really really drawn to this guy at work. We had a lovely conversation but again, nothing much to report afterward.

A couple of months later, I plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd like to have another phonecall (facetime). We were essential workers and still in the cloud of the pandemic so thought this was the best approach. I wasn't prepared for his response. At this point he was 49 years old, he stood up, started to rub his chest, said 'oh God no no...oh no...this is making me really uncomfortable...' and left the room. I had rehearsed this in my head all day waiting for the right moment and this happened. I was completely mortified, hurt and eventually went home and beat myself up for not being cool enough or maybe even good enough for him. When I woke up the next morning he had called me three times and sent me messages to see if I was ok. I texted back how shocked I was and how I had obviously misread the signals, but told him he was someone I had grown to like very much and that it wasn't my intention to upset or scare him. When I got back to work a few days later, he'd stopped speaking to me.

This went on for a couple of weeks so I just kept my head down and got on with it. Another two weeks passed and all of a sudden, he was trying to make me laugh again, which he always could. I was relieved he seemed ok, but just left him to it. We started to get on better, and for his 50th I bought him a silly gift, no one else in his life seemed to make an effort, so I wanted to do something for him. On one of our dates he told me that his friends dog had used it as a chew toy. (It was a bottle opener made from wood).

We would be here all year if I told you the full story but although he and his wife didn't divorce, they separated, and he said he wanted nothing to do with women for a year. This to me was fine and healthy but he made a huge announcement to me about it. Feeling it safe, I said 'well if after that year is up, would you like to have a coffee with me?' and he said 'yes...I will have a think about that'.

No more than 2 weeks passed, when we were alone and he asked me out. I was elated! We set a date and he was calling me and texting me in the build up to it. All his nerves seemed to have gone. He sent me photos of himself, went through my socials and complimented me on my photos. He even sent me a few intimate pics. In work that day he kissed me for the first time.

We had arranged for him to come to my home, as I knew him so well this wasn't an issue and we were going to have a few drinks. I made a real effort, scrubbed the house until it was shining, and made myself look really nice, I thought. He arrived at the time we arranged. We sat down for our first drink and he immediately started to become nervous again. He admitted to being nervous and I just soothed him, telling him to relax, it was just me etc...but he said 'no no I have to leave'. He was only with me despite the massive build up for 5 minutes. I was completely and totally distraught and thought it must be something to do with my looks, or weight etc. I'm not stick thin and quite curvy but he had been paying me so many compliments I thought he was attracted.

I had the awful situation of having to face him again in work but I just tried to walk past him with a brief hello. It was agonising - he did attempt a short apology but in his words it was 'sorry about everything I just got all'...and made this funny noise that you would make as if you were shivering or something.

I had developed feelings by this point but just had to try to get on with it. I was hit with various other awful things like him accusing me of stalking one of his exes. He blew up at me in work as I had clicked on her profile when she came up as a friend suggestion. It was genuine. She is friends with my cousin and I have family in the area he is from. He defriended me from facebook as I had clicked 'like' on this ladies nails, and then once I realised who she was I unliked it. Thinking no harm done, but he found out. He was SO angry with me. It crushed me that he had deleted me and when I tried to explain the family connection, he put his hand up in front of me and said 'I don't want to hear it'. When I said 'Please let me explain!' he shouted 'F* off' at me infront of my colleagues.

There is a lot of other stuff that has happened but that Christmas he approached me again after he started talking to me again and we slept together. He told me he knew how much I had fallen for him and that he just needed time as he admitted he didn't know what he was doing with his life. I told him to take all the time he needed. A few days later, he stopped speaking to me again. He approached me for another date which I agreed to and at the time he was due to meet me, he cancelled, saying he wasn't quite ready.

Then he came round again - this time my idea I admit it as I couldn't let him go. We became more involved and he came to my home, asked to see my family albums, made me promises about holidays, the future, said I didn't have to be concerned about money anymore (I'm very independent so it isn't a money issue anyway but was nice to have support). We were close, talking on the phone, being intimate, he even said 'imagine how everyone in work will feel when they find out we've been together for like 8 months' or something..! He told me he wanted me to meet his family, and let me facetime with his sister. It was clear she knew who I was and paid me lots of compliments, telling me she only wanted him to be happy. I said I would never hurt him and would always try to make him happy. He told his sister that I would do anything for him and he told me he felt I was his soulmate. He told other people (who told me) that he had told them he knew I had fallen for him and that I was a lovely girl who would make a wonderful wife.

On the day we were due to meet his family, his whole demeanour changed. We woke up and even his facial expressions were different. He said 'I have to go now' and when I enquired about the family he said 'we'll do it another time'. He assured me he wasn't coming back but I didn't hear from him for 5 days. He sent a text to say he wanted to be alone, he didn't love me, he knew I loved him, that all it was was 'sex and a drink', and that he knew I'd react badly and he had to go because I was stressing him out.

I totally and completely fell apart but managed to sort of hold it together at work. Despite his text, a month later he approached me again, asking for another chance and when I asked him why he had told me he didn't want me, his explanation was that he had just freaked out because he knew I had such deep feelings. Of course I agreed. Nearly as soon as I agreed, he turned cold. Despite the fact we'd made a date, he became cold with me. When I asked him why, he said 'I'm not going back there, I can't do it'.

This was the only time that I visibly cracked at work. Someone saw me crying and told my colleague who told him. He became so so angry with me that he arranged a meeting with me and my boss in which he said in front of my boss 'I did not make love to you - I f*** you'. My boss said nothing. He told me he could 'get any girl in a bar and take her home' and told me that I had caused him a total nightmare.

I took some time off work and when I returned I didn't go near him. But apparently made one fatal mistake. I borrowed his coffee cup. One day when I forgot my own, I used his. Washed it thoroughly and put it back. He found out about this too because someone started to tease him about me using it and he apparently laughed. But with me it was a different story. He took the cup home and said 'I don't like anyone using my stuff'. Despite having been in my home etc.

For the next month he stopped talking to me and texted my colleagues to say things like 'Tell her I'm hiding in the toilets' or 'has she gone yet?'. I was so devastated because all I had done was borrowed a cup. I hadn't bothered him, begged him, stalked him, annoyed him, nothing at all. I had left him alone. I begged my boss to talk to him, to get him to stop and he said he would not speak to him, but would keep an eye on it. It continued for over a month with no help until I begged my boss. I was so humiliated and because of this, decided to move to a different department.

On the day that I moved, the guy was coming out of the department I work in. I don't know why he was there but he shouted 'Good luck in the new job!' at me and walked on. I have rarely seen him since but if I do bump into him he is very nice, talkative wants to show me pictures on his phone etc. I do not understand this behaviour. He was hiding from me, but now he's being nice?

Because of everything that has happened, I have become a shell of myself. I work alone now, with very little interaction with anyone, I've isolated myself and feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want me around. He has remained in his position, which I guess is down to me as I didn't make a fuss as I would never have wanted him to be hurt. So I've carried it all. I felt I had up to a point a good relationship with my former boss but he didn't speak out for me or help me with some of the language that was used, the hiding in the toilets and the silent treatment that the guy inflicted in work. I've heard rumours of being called names like Baby Reindeer which I never was. I never stalked him, called him repeatedly, went to his home, didn't do anything harmful to him at all. He said that 'you went about it all the wrong way'. I have never asked a guy out before so that was a huge knock.

His kids don't talk to him anymore and I had hoped he would be able to reconcile whatever happened with my help but it's never happened. He told me his ex wife has turned them against him.

I've come away thinking that I'm a freak, that there is something the matter with me because I fell for someone who I genuinely liked. It is killing me, I've had to have therapy but nothing is convincing me that I didn't cause this by loving him and by believing he was just scared and giving so many chances. There are days I just don't cope at all, then days I really do, and days I really miss him so so much. I believed he was a different man, I still do believe he's lost and afraid but I don't know why he had to do this to someone who had been so kind to him and loving for so long, even when we weren't together. My fear is now that I'm no good for anyone and never will be. I'm 49 now and can't get past it. No matter what I try to do it's like a black cloud hanging over me. I really doubt myself now, all my interactions with people and fear because I'm not picture perfect, or picture thin that this happened to me due to that. To me he is very handsome, so maybe that's it? I am so scared for my future now, and my health is declining. I didn't know it was such a crime to be in love but if someone does hide from me in the bathroom, it surely means I'm repulsive? Out of everything I had shared with him and everything he knew, the hiding is probably the worst. I have thought of ending my life because if I am that bad what is the point, but I am trying to believe that maybe this isn't my fault? I just don't know anymore and thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who takes the time to read this and for letting me talk.

OP think of it like the old Taoist parable: villagers try to pass a horse in a narrow alleyway but every-time it kicks out and they get hurt. No matter what they try the outcome is the same… eventually someone shouts here comes a wise man (likely a woman!) - she takes one look at the situation and walks down a different street.

Sometimes OP no matter what you do, if the outcome is the same/similar the only thing you can do is walk down a different street.

What merit is there is agonising over why it kicks out if real issue is you’ve been treated horrendously and have suffered enough.

Everyone has a brain until they fall in love, but this wasn’t love. Who he has shown you he is and what you hoped he could be and what he represented are two different things.

Guaranteed he’s been like this with others, so no more moping thinking you’re unlovable. Like us all you just trusted someone not worthy of it. F him. Get yourself a wee holiday booked and FFS if he needs an ego boost and comes calling again do not try and analyse him just tell him not interested.

I would urge you to polish up your CV and start applying for another job. He deliberately set out to humiliate you at work, to make out you were a stalker and get everyone else believing it. Your manager was unprofessional, you work in a toxic workplace and once you leave, you can start putting him behind you. I would block his number from your mobile and block him on SM.

I think therapy would be good for you, to help you recover and know your worth, to help you identify red flags with someone’s behaviour and to walk away.

You are not going to understand how his mind works, or how he loves deceiving people and playing mind games as you are a nice woman. There are people who pick on the vulnerable, that enjoy harming babies, children and old people. I will never understand what goes through their minds because I’m not like them nor would I want to.

Did you walk up to him and tell him to abuse you? No.
Did you ask him to pretend you were going to do something special, so he could excite you, and vanish, after you met up within a few minutes? No.
Did you get his sister to pretend on FaceTime, she was going to meet you? No.
Did you ask him to lie to people in your office, you were stalking him? To hide in the toilets, pretending he was scared? No.
Did you ask your manager, to be unprofessional and allow that man to humiliate you? No.

You are vulnerable, you have no close family to confide in, to give you a hug and tell you, that you are worth so much more than the abusive men you have met. To hold your head up high and be proud that you are not abusive and evil! To advise you, that you might have PTSD because you’ve met two men who were horrific, that you need therapy, to help you to heal from trauma and start loving yourself. X

From what you've said, you and he wanted different things. You wanted a mature, loving, supportive relationship that made both your lives better. He wanted a toxic, emotionally confusing mess with lots of drama and huge scenes and everyone making him the centre of attention. And he got his way.

Please don't even consider trying again with this man. It won't be any different from last time, because the way it was last time was exactly what he wanted. He doesn't want what you want. He's not interested in your wellbeing. He just wants a massive fuss with him at the centre of it. The man who fell in love with does not exist - he was just a shiny fishing lure to get you on the hook.

The trouble is, you’re believing, that his mind games, are a reflection on your worth.
Do you believe his ex wives are unworthy, his children are unworthy because of his twisted hatred of anyone, that he can mentally torture? That they deserved it? That they brought it on themselves?
No!
I would advise them to seek therapy too, they were his victims, as was you. He made them feel they were worthless, he made them feel his awful treatment, his words and likely his fists, were because they deserved it … but it doesn’t make it true! He systematically tried to break you all, to destroy everyone’s confidence and self work, to lie out of his arse, because it made him feel powerful, in control and he enjoyed it.

Oh @YourBrickTiger if I were there I’d hold you right now. You did not deserve any of this.
He is a despicable man that saw the word victim on your face, as despicable men always do, and utilised you for years. You are kind and too open and these were your only faults. The world, society and nature did this. Not you.

I heartily recommend reading the Vital Spark by Lisa Marchiano

and asap making an appointment with a therapist to work on your self-esteem, your inner critic and learn how to move forward. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to find the strength to never go through this again.

There are two things that I think you will find helpful.

Good people make your life better. They don’t leave you distressed and confused. Save your energy and attention for someone that makes life easier, not harder. If you have to hide how you feel and who you are, it isn’t working.

Shark cage- those of us with a great upbringing and no particular vulnerabilities go through life with a shark cage around us. Predatory people have a nose around, but don’t get anywhere. If you have a neurodiversity, or a disability, trauma or a patchy upbringing, your shark cage has missing bars. When they come at you, predators get through. It isn’t your fault- it’s them. You can however work on filling some gaps and making it safer for yourself. We shouldn’t need a shark cage. But there are men like him who are uninterested in anything except themselves.

You are wondering why he did it- two reasons, firstly because he could. That’s all. Secondly- he uses the people around him to reflect himself like a mirror. Think of a politician, smiling and kissing babies. He likes the way people look at him, how he feels when people smile at him and enjoy his company. That’s the image of who he is- Mr Nice Guy. It isn’t who he actually is though. When people don’t play the part he wants them to play properly- if they want a bit much, or stop looking excited, want something different… if they forget their lines and say something he hadn’t planned to hear… he gets furious.

I’m really sorry, it’s a rubbish place to find yourself. But it’s him, not you. All you can do is love yourself and work on your shark cage.

However your workplace were appalling to watch all this play out and not step in at any point.

First things first. The guy is obviously a nasty immature jerk who loves drama but that’s all the thought he deserves.

OP, you sound very vulnerable and very naive. You ignored and excused his behaviour time and time again. You need therapy for this. The fact you are still trying to excuse his behaviour by suggesting it was you that caused it shows just how poor your judgement is. It’s actually scary that you say you still love him and are asking posters on this forum not to take that away from you.

OP, stop giving him any thought whatsoever, stop trying to understand what happened and what went wrong and start looking at the future and what you can do to help you make better decisions in life .

Block him on everything and get a job where you don’t have any contact with him or his circle of friends and family and then get on with your own life. You had a bit of an on off fling with a guy who turned out to be a jerk. That’s all it was.

This person would never have made you happy. They'd have abused you in some form whenever/whatevervthe relationship. It is what they do.

You've got caught up in his attention.

Get therapy. Delete him.on phone/social media, ignore at work. He will never stop treating you badly. He treats you nicely for a short period of time then goes back to abuse once got you hooked again.

I'm sorry you are struggling, OP. This man is clearly mentally disordered: that's why he's been so nasty and cruel to you (and I bet also to his sons, ex-wives and past girlfriends).
I second other pp's suggestion: it would be good for you to explore the root cause of why did you go back to this man over and over again. This is not to blame you, at all: he used pretty basic manipulation tactics. But, for your own sake, you need to recognise poisonous snakes like him and find out what leads you to them in the first place.
I'm really sorry: nothing about this is your fault. You really stumbled upon a wrong'un. Don't worry: he'll end up reaping what he sowed.

Again I can't thank you all enough for your patience advice and understanding. I'm really touched by the support.

It wasn't just a fling for me - like I explained, I had really liked him for a number of years. He had come to mean the world to me and those are my feelings. I do understand why it worries some people, but that is how I feel. He wasn't someone I just met 5 minutes ago, he'd been in my environment and life for a long time.

Anyway, there is other stuff, which I'd like to disclose but I am scared. I do realise this will probably read like something out of a strange tv series but it is all true. I guess I am disclosing it partly for reassurance and to hear that he wouldn't just treat ME so badly. That he'd do it to anyone. I'm currently a size 16/18 UK, so I am going on a diet and want to get fitter and healthier because basically it's just comfort eating. I want to make my mind and body strong again and I also want to be able to SHOW HIM that I do have some fight left.

OK so if you can bear with me a little longer, thank you.

One of the things he also did, which to anyone who doubts why I believed he was serious, was suggest the following. I inherited my parents home, and set about making it my own. But I didn't use their bedroom. I just gravitated back to my own childhood bedroom.

On one of the occasions he was in my home, after telling me I was his soulmate, and telling me that we could go on holiday together, he must have seen the room was vacant. But the furniture was still there.

He spoke to me and said that it seemed like a waste that I was using a mattress on my floor, when there was a big relatively new bed in the room next door. He asked me how I would feel about moving into that room. I must note we didn't live together, it was far too soon, but he had the idea that when he stayed we should just move into that room - my parents bed. I didn't know what to do so asked for time to think about it. He said 'I will be right there with you, we can can go through the process together'. I'm not very religious but I do have some spiritual feelings so I said a little prayer, asked my folks permission as such, and believing they would want me to be happy, and feeling this was a big step, I agreed. He said it was very comfortable and it did feel like a new stage that we were moving on. He told me that 'this relationship can really progress'.

This was the same day that he let me talk to his sister. We had what I thought was a lovely evening, eating, drinking, watching tv, singing together and then eventually going to the new bed.

It was the very next morning that he turned cold, the day after suggesting we move into the new room. That's when he left. He woke up and after saying, 'I'm going to go now', his whole expression changed. I passed him on the staircase and it was like he was looking at me very strangely and taking steps away from me, not to be close. Why would he suggest moving into my parents room and then leave again?

I'm sorry if this is all too much to take in but his second wife is from a 'different part' of the world. Scared to name it but let's just say it's in Asia. When they first split, he went there for a holiday, claiming he was taking her daughter with him, who at that time would have been about 14. He came back a month later and - we were not together here it was a few months after he ran away from our first date - and was overheard saying in work 'I f her auntie!'. This woman then thought he was her boyfriend but he told everyone he couldn't stick her texting all the time and she apparently asked him for money. His STANDARD line, with her and with the other two exes that I know about is 'I didn't love her'. Apparently there were two women offered to him in this time as well and his line when he went over as I'm told was 'I'm off to find someone to sha'.

But he tossed that at me too when he dumped me after the second time 'I like...these race... of women'. Which has me feeling if I looked like one of them things would be different. He has commented publicly that his second wife brought a boyfriend into their home, along with another man who was trafficked. He would comment that he would have to listen to her and the boyfriend have noisy sex. Despite their now separation, he is still living with that community of people, so I don't know what the tie is there. He throws around words like 'mafia' and 'trafficked'.

When I finally cracked, at work, it was because someone told me he was overheard - while still saying he wanted to be with me - talking to a woman in work about her breasts. It was my upset this time that seems to have pushed him over the edge.

He also exposed himself to me in work. I walked in and he got it out. Told me to get on my knees and sniff it. Sent me pics where he visibly had his id on, but you could see his private parts. At first I thought this was all part of our 'relationship'. But with my last upset and the meeting he arranged, my boss shouted at me and said 'who brought the relationship into work??' So even he blamed me and there was no support there at all. I said I was going to have to go to HR if they didn't do something about him hiding in the toilets and was shouted at and told it was my fault for getting involved. I didn't understand this as I work with a couple who are now divorced, not amicably, but one is now the others manager and was promoted in the middle of the divorce.

The team itself that I was in normalised open sexual behaviour. Talk of breasts, private parts, sexual antics, stains, pornography, the n word being used....all normalised. My boss told me I was 'fixated' and 'smothered' this guy with kindness. I was almost slapped with a harrassment case at the very beginning of this for buying a couple of packs of donuts to try to cheer the guy up when he was splitting from his wife. Although he gladly accepted them, behind my back he kept running to my boss. I backed wayyyyyyyyyyy off but again, he came forward to me each time despite that.

He's even taunted me between times about going on other dates. But as he gives me the info and sees my upset he will say 'sweetheart, darling I'd do anything for you' but fastforward to a week later if I call him darlin even in passing, he will report me to my boss. And my old boss seemed to always take his side.

I am humiliated and ashamed of myself. This man was in my home, my parents home, I treated him as I felt a man should be treated and made no secret of the fact that I thought he was really special. Now I just feel like a fat fool. He wears crystals and tells people he is spiritual and shuns negativity which is also really confusing for me.

Up until I have spoken to you here, I really really believed that I wasn't enough. I believed it was my nationality and weight that caused this and that I am unloveable because I'm not picture perfect looking. I couldn't have given him more yet it still wasn't enough. I genuinely loved him, I really did I thought he was the greatest thing and that it was now my chance to be happy just like everyone else. It has absolutely devastated me.

Thank you again for your ongoing patience. You will all probably think I'm borderline insane after this information.

I would forgive him if he worked on these issues so it isn’t beyond repair if he was to own up and address some of his issues. I am doing my best to address mine.

@YourBrickTiger No, no a million times, no, please no! This is who he is, this is what he is at his core, he is irredeemable. Please walk away and rebuild YOU. Don't give him the time of day, please, you are worth loads more.

The new information you have shared about him is shocking and horrendous and your workplace sounds toxic. None of it is normal. You definitely need a new job.

Pps are referring to him as abusive and mentally disordered and they are right. I really hope you can move on from it all.

That’s appalling. I do hope you look for another job.

There is nothing to be gained by having a glow up and swanning about hoping he’ll care.

He is not a nice man. Even if he wanted you and treated you well, he would still not be a nice man.

He’s a disgusting abusive arsehole.

If you can bear it-
Please take screenshots and make a timeline of his appalling behaviour as well as attempts you made to get HR on board.
You may need them one day.

He is a liar. Do you not know that people can lie, steal, and cheat to gain a little advantage? He was not sincere! He conned you into thinking he loved you, was invested in you, cared about you. Every wird was a lie including the “and” and the “the” as a famous writer once said.

Your question “did he have the right to abuse you” is odd—of course not. No one has the right to lie, steal, cheat, or abuse you. Even his saying he is hurt or feels controlled by you doesn’t give him the right to abuse you. Of course not! The frenzy of love, the sexual relationship, the long acquaintance—none of these give him the right to abuse you, blow hot and cold, manipulate you, expose your private life at work. These things are objectively wrong. As Sir Terry Pratchett observed its the first evil, to treat a person as a thing, as a neans to an end.

Don’t project your hopes, dreams, and values onto someone so unworthy. Love—neither yours nor his—does not give anyone the right to treat you that way.

He’s been divorced twice because he’s awful.

2 things stand out for me on your last post, please take them seriously:
First, you say you want to SHOW HIM: Sod him. Do it for you. You need to change this mindset. NEED to, okay?!
Second is that any workplace that tolerates his behaviour is toxic. You need to get away from there, as well as from him.
You are still massively vulnerable: I’m not one who normally advocates therapy - I couldn’t do it myself and don’t think I’d be as brave as you in sharing as you have done, but really you do need help to get this git out of your head.

No, of course you are not insane, but you are working in a toxic environment and you do not seem to have friends or relatives to guide you to something more normal in a ‘relationship’. (In apostrophes as this is not a relationship you have right now).
This is NOT your fault but you really should do everything you can to walk away and build up your own life away from this man and ideally, in a new job.
Your self-esteem sounds very low and this man is exploiting you. You did not know this or realise it and you have been blaming yourself but every single person on this thread is saying the same thing about him in different words.
What is your social life like and can you think about doing activities and things which make you happy and will give you a different focus? And can you speak to a therapist to start to unpick everything that led you to get stuck with this situation and how to move on?

Oh, I did therapy after my last dating experience with someone who messed with my head and had me on a loop of push-pull for several months. It was very worth the time just to unravel the mess which they created with the mixed messages and behaviours. Nothing as awful as what OP describes at all, but enough to mess up my head after a long time of being single. And like OP, I knew this person already and that gives you a bit of a false sense of security that they are sincere.

My response now is to start dating again properly and try and get a measure of what normal dating behaviour is but I needed to get my head straight first and I was not managing that myself.

A long way of saying I agree with you.

This was my thought also - he sounds sociopathic. There is nothing attractive about this man and you do need some help to work through what happened and low self-esteem and any other issues so that you don't accept awful behaviour from people in future.

You are lovely, you're kind and he has taken advantage of you. He seems to be a CockLodger in training. Horrible little man, and thank God you don't work with him any more.
Counselling would be a good idea my lovely 🌹

Your update is very concerning and you seem very, very vulnerable.
You have been sexually abused in your workplace.
A new job is an absolute must and you need professional help to deal with the damage done to you by this sick, sick man.
I felt sick myself reading about what he’s done to you.

@TalulaHalulah thank you - good to think I’m not spouting complete drivel. And yes, finding ‘normal’ again can take a while!

This has nothing to do with your nationality, how you look, or your personality and everything to do with him being a vile person. Whatever you do, however you act, he will still be vile. If that was me I would have stopped seeing him the first time he blew cold on me. He sees you as a pushover and he more than likely enjoys the power over you. He reported you for harassment? Good god why didn't you give him a wide berth after the first time? This is not going to end well if you keep giving in to him and it's not going to end well if you don't. Either way it WILL end at some point but if you don't finish it yourself you will lose what dignity you have. You are worth way more than this excuse for a man. I would rather be on my own forever than put up with this.

Oh my gosh. He is a psycho! You are so well rid of him. I know it may be hard to feel that though. Can you change jobs completely? You need to cut him out of your life altogether. Block and delete, try and avoid ever seeing him again. He will bring you nothing but unhappiness.

Every update about him just makes him sound even worse.

This man hates women. He is incapable of giving love, love is transactional for him. He is one of those men that must be adored, he seeks external validation and abusing others makes him feel powerful.

You did nothing wrong except- you were just there while he was looking for his next victim. If it hadn’t have been you, it would have been someone else.

What you must do now is take steps to recognise men like him, because there are more out there. You must do the work so that if you ever come into contact with him, or another like him, you are healed enough to say “No, this isn’t the man for me” and be strong enough to walk away at the first hint of a red flag.