Really heartbroken

[YourBrickTiger]

Hi - I am just hoping for a little help here...haven't been through a situation like I'm currently experiencing and it's very painful to the point of making me sick.

If I can kindly ask that no one advises against workplace romances, as I work with several couples, some of whom are married and even one who is divorced. I know a lot of people in my place of work who met here and are now married and still working together. So I thought it was ok for me too.

I don't have a support system. My parents have both passed away and friends that I do have keep everything at a surface level, which has made me unable to discuss this, therefore I apologise in advance for the length. I can't face anymore harsh criticism, so if you don't have time to read this as I understand it is very long, or you are critical of me, please be kind. I'm blaming myself enough.

I met a man, a colleague who I really liked, about 8 years ago, admired from afar as he was married and never gave it much thought other than I thought he was a really nice decent man. A few years after we started working together, he told me that his second marriage was on the rocks and that he felt unlovable. I told him that I thought he was very lovable and made a joke that if I'd marry him if they were to split. Again, didn't pay it too much mind and thought nothing would ever happen, went about my life. Another few years passed without incident.

As Covid was coming to an end, and with his marriage over, we had been getting on very well at work and one night out of the blue, he rang me and we talked for 5 hours about everything and anything. I had been single for a long time after an abusive relationship with a man from outside the UK who just disappeared on me one night after living together for almost a year. At this point, I hadn't had a relationship in 11 years and wasn't looking but I was really really drawn to this guy at work. We had a lovely conversation but again, nothing much to report afterward.

A couple of months later, I plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd like to have another phonecall (facetime). We were essential workers and still in the cloud of the pandemic so thought this was the best approach. I wasn't prepared for his response. At this point he was 49 years old, he stood up, started to rub his chest, said 'oh God no no...oh no...this is making me really uncomfortable...' and left the room. I had rehearsed this in my head all day waiting for the right moment and this happened. I was completely mortified, hurt and eventually went home and beat myself up for not being cool enough or maybe even good enough for him. When I woke up the next morning he had called me three times and sent me messages to see if I was ok. I texted back how shocked I was and how I had obviously misread the signals, but told him he was someone I had grown to like very much and that it wasn't my intention to upset or scare him. When I got back to work a few days later, he'd stopped speaking to me.

This went on for a couple of weeks so I just kept my head down and got on with it. Another two weeks passed and all of a sudden, he was trying to make me laugh again, which he always could. I was relieved he seemed ok, but just left him to it. We started to get on better, and for his 50th I bought him a silly gift, no one else in his life seemed to make an effort, so I wanted to do something for him. On one of our dates he told me that his friends dog had used it as a chew toy. (It was a bottle opener made from wood).

We would be here all year if I told you the full story but although he and his wife didn't divorce, they separated, and he said he wanted nothing to do with women for a year. This to me was fine and healthy but he made a huge announcement to me about it. Feeling it safe, I said 'well if after that year is up, would you like to have a coffee with me?' and he said 'yes...I will have a think about that'.

No more than 2 weeks passed, when we were alone and he asked me out. I was elated! We set a date and he was calling me and texting me in the build up to it. All his nerves seemed to have gone. He sent me photos of himself, went through my socials and complimented me on my photos. He even sent me a few intimate pics. In work that day he kissed me for the first time.

We had arranged for him to come to my home, as I knew him so well this wasn't an issue and we were going to have a few drinks. I made a real effort, scrubbed the house until it was shining, and made myself look really nice, I thought. He arrived at the time we arranged. We sat down for our first drink and he immediately started to become nervous again. He admitted to being nervous and I just soothed him, telling him to relax, it was just me etc...but he said 'no no I have to leave'. He was only with me despite the massive build up for 5 minutes. I was completely and totally distraught and thought it must be something to do with my looks, or weight etc. I'm not stick thin and quite curvy but he had been paying me so many compliments I thought he was attracted.

I had the awful situation of having to face him again in work but I just tried to walk past him with a brief hello. It was agonising - he did attempt a short apology but in his words it was 'sorry about everything I just got all'...and made this funny noise that you would make as if you were shivering or something.

I had developed feelings by this point but just had to try to get on with it. I was hit with various other awful things like him accusing me of stalking one of his exes. He blew up at me in work as I had clicked on her profile when she came up as a friend suggestion. It was genuine. She is friends with my cousin and I have family in the area he is from. He defriended me from facebook as I had clicked 'like' on this ladies nails, and then once I realised who she was I unliked it. Thinking no harm done, but he found out. He was SO angry with me. It crushed me that he had deleted me and when I tried to explain the family connection, he put his hand up in front of me and said 'I don't want to hear it'. When I said 'Please let me explain!' he shouted 'F* off' at me infront of my colleagues.

There is a lot of other stuff that has happened but that Christmas he approached me again after he started talking to me again and we slept together. He told me he knew how much I had fallen for him and that he just needed time as he admitted he didn't know what he was doing with his life. I told him to take all the time he needed. A few days later, he stopped speaking to me again. He approached me for another date which I agreed to and at the time he was due to meet me, he cancelled, saying he wasn't quite ready.

Then he came round again - this time my idea I admit it as I couldn't let him go. We became more involved and he came to my home, asked to see my family albums, made me promises about holidays, the future, said I didn't have to be concerned about money anymore (I'm very independent so it isn't a money issue anyway but was nice to have support). We were close, talking on the phone, being intimate, he even said 'imagine how everyone in work will feel when they find out we've been together for like 8 months' or something..! He told me he wanted me to meet his family, and let me facetime with his sister. It was clear she knew who I was and paid me lots of compliments, telling me she only wanted him to be happy. I said I would never hurt him and would always try to make him happy. He told his sister that I would do anything for him and he told me he felt I was his soulmate. He told other people (who told me) that he had told them he knew I had fallen for him and that I was a lovely girl who would make a wonderful wife.

On the day we were due to meet his family, his whole demeanour changed. We woke up and even his facial expressions were different. He said 'I have to go now' and when I enquired about the family he said 'we'll do it another time'. He assured me he wasn't coming back but I didn't hear from him for 5 days. He sent a text to say he wanted to be alone, he didn't love me, he knew I loved him, that all it was was 'sex and a drink', and that he knew I'd react badly and he had to go because I was stressing him out.

I totally and completely fell apart but managed to sort of hold it together at work. Despite his text, a month later he approached me again, asking for another chance and when I asked him why he had told me he didn't want me, his explanation was that he had just freaked out because he knew I had such deep feelings. Of course I agreed. Nearly as soon as I agreed, he turned cold. Despite the fact we'd made a date, he became cold with me. When I asked him why, he said 'I'm not going back there, I can't do it'.

This was the only time that I visibly cracked at work. Someone saw me crying and told my colleague who told him. He became so so angry with me that he arranged a meeting with me and my boss in which he said in front of my boss 'I did not make love to you - I f*** you'. My boss said nothing. He told me he could 'get any girl in a bar and take her home' and told me that I had caused him a total nightmare.

I took some time off work and when I returned I didn't go near him. But apparently made one fatal mistake. I borrowed his coffee cup. One day when I forgot my own, I used his. Washed it thoroughly and put it back. He found out about this too because someone started to tease him about me using it and he apparently laughed. But with me it was a different story. He took the cup home and said 'I don't like anyone using my stuff'. Despite having been in my home etc.

For the next month he stopped talking to me and texted my colleagues to say things like 'Tell her I'm hiding in the toilets' or 'has she gone yet?'. I was so devastated because all I had done was borrowed a cup. I hadn't bothered him, begged him, stalked him, annoyed him, nothing at all. I had left him alone. I begged my boss to talk to him, to get him to stop and he said he would not speak to him, but would keep an eye on it. It continued for over a month with no help until I begged my boss. I was so humiliated and because of this, decided to move to a different department.

On the day that I moved, the guy was coming out of the department I work in. I don't know why he was there but he shouted 'Good luck in the new job!' at me and walked on. I have rarely seen him since but if I do bump into him he is very nice, talkative wants to show me pictures on his phone etc. I do not understand this behaviour. He was hiding from me, but now he's being nice?

Because of everything that has happened, I have become a shell of myself. I work alone now, with very little interaction with anyone, I've isolated myself and feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want me around. He has remained in his position, which I guess is down to me as I didn't make a fuss as I would never have wanted him to be hurt. So I've carried it all. I felt I had up to a point a good relationship with my former boss but he didn't speak out for me or help me with some of the language that was used, the hiding in the toilets and the silent treatment that the guy inflicted in work. I've heard rumours of being called names like Baby Reindeer which I never was. I never stalked him, called him repeatedly, went to his home, didn't do anything harmful to him at all. He said that 'you went about it all the wrong way'. I have never asked a guy out before so that was a huge knock.

His kids don't talk to him anymore and I had hoped he would be able to reconcile whatever happened with my help but it's never happened. He told me his ex wife has turned them against him.

I've come away thinking that I'm a freak, that there is something the matter with me because I fell for someone who I genuinely liked. It is killing me, I've had to have therapy but nothing is convincing me that I didn't cause this by loving him and by believing he was just scared and giving so many chances. There are days I just don't cope at all, then days I really do, and days I really miss him so so much. I believed he was a different man, I still do believe he's lost and afraid but I don't know why he had to do this to someone who had been so kind to him and loving for so long, even when we weren't together. My fear is now that I'm no good for anyone and never will be. I'm 49 now and can't get past it. No matter what I try to do it's like a black cloud hanging over me. I really doubt myself now, all my interactions with people and fear because I'm not picture perfect, or picture thin that this happened to me due to that. To me he is very handsome, so maybe that's it? I am so scared for my future now, and my health is declining. I didn't know it was such a crime to be in love but if someone does hide from me in the bathroom, it surely means I'm repulsive? Out of everything I had shared with him and everything he knew, the hiding is probably the worst. I have thought of ending my life because if I am that bad what is the point, but I am trying to believe that maybe this isn't my fault? I just don't know anymore and thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who takes the time to read this and for letting me talk.

I think when your father died, you felt abandoned, then soon after, you felt you had lost your mum too, she was so wrapped up in a new relationship, you felt unloved and unimportant. That man’s treatment of you, ripped open the original pain of your childhood, how you feel, isn’t really about him, it’s about the trauma of your dad’s death, how you felt as a young child, and your mum being so wrapped up in her new man, there was no room for you. You felt unlovable, all alone, missing your dad desperately, and feeling your mum didn’t care about you anymore.
This is what you need therapy for, the original pain, you never came to terms with dad’s death, you never got over your mum’s betrayal, she moved on with her life, and you felt abandoned.
To answer a question, you asked for opinions on, you wanted to know, had you done things differently with that man, would you be with him now.
No, the outcome would’ve been the same.
He treats all women like shit, he hooks them in and goes cold, he makes them feel they can heal his wounds, (he doesn’t have any wounds to heal), he plays mind games, he gets more cruel as time goes by, until he strip them of confidence and self esteem. He then finds another victim or goes to a previous victim, to see if she is foolish enough, to get hooked into his abusive game.
He sees ALL women as possible victims, he enjoys leading them on and mentally torturing them.

It wasn't just a fling for me - like I explained, I had really liked him for a number of years. He had come to mean the world to me and those are my feelings.

You’re a good person OP. That 💯 comes across in all your messages.

To get truly close to another we need to make ourselves vulnerable. If time and deeds come to show the other was only shamming then sincere one pays (unfortunately) in pain, but it’s the other that’s the true loser. You’ve lost someone who will treat you extremely badly. He on the other hand is the real loser. Not often in this life we come across people sincere.

So, don’t beat yourself up. Can understand why it’s been so hard to get your head and heart round, his conduct and mixed messages are ridiculous! Plus it’s a mistake to do a lot of things but not to care about others. That said, feelings or not - which will take time to diminish, you do have a choice about how you act and react.

To be frank his behaviour has been creepy, erratic and cruel. FGS don’t lose weight unless you want to. Who gives a flying F if he knows or realises you are looking after yourself? You don’t need his approval. He’s deffo got form and a long line I bet of other women he’s treated badly. Hard but don’t take it personally. Many folk in this life are absolute t**ts.

Sure I’ve every size from a 10-20 in my wardrobe and go up and down. Whatever the dress size I’m still me, and kind, bright and funny more important than being a decoration. Sure looks fade and hazarding Romeo no Chippendale. Even if he is, his personality is as ugly as they get.

You’ve been let down at work. His triangulation and the situation should have been properly investigated. You do have the option to lodge a grievance but tbh think this eejit would love that… another way to as someone highlighted, to make it all about him but genuinely… dick pics are a 🚩 and not acceptable at all that culture is tolerated.

Apply for a new job. Block his number and be the one that got away. No matter what promise yourself you will not whatever sob story, lies, sweet talk or other hook he throws that you will not have anything more to do with him. You owe that to yourself.

Keep being lovely too. So sad when let downs or experiences harden too much the good folk in life. One of my favourite books is to kill a mockingbird… some truth in the phrase: kill all the bluejays you like, but its a sin to kill a mockingbird.

Or to put it another way, mockingbirds, like good people are life’s givers, they don’t ask for much in return… to treat those folk badly… or to break them down especially deliberately is just abhorrent.

What a wonderful post. TKAM is my favourite book too.

OP please read and then re-read what @RedRock41 has written, every word of it is true x

This specimen is truly the worst example I've ever read about in about 4 years of Mumsnetting.

Do yourself a favour OP-

Continue to ignore him
Get your CV polished up and expand your employability skills
Look for another job
Don't make friends at work they all sound mad as hatters
Look for a good therapist
Do some self care

This guy isn't wired up right. It's not you it's him.

All the times he was nice, was vulnerable when he confided in you about his failing marriage, how lovely he seemed when he FaceTimed you for five hours, was an act. The times he seemed to be so caring, how broken he seemed, the way he portrayed himself to be scared of commitment because he’d been so hurt in the past, was all fake. He puts on a mask to hide his true nature, he pretends to be a lovely man, to hook women in. When he stood in the manager’s office with you, he was really nasty to you, in front of your manager, that’s the real him. When he made out you were a stalker, to your colleagues at work, humiliated you, so you felt so hurt, you left the office and work by yourself now, is the real man behind the mask.
You fell for the person he pretended to be, not the real man he is.
If you were to write down everything that happened between you, then crossed out everything he did, that seemed caring, loving and friendly, made him seen keen. You would only be left with his behaviour that confused you, hurt and humiliated you. You would see how bloody nasty he truly is, the Mr nice guy act is a complete lie.

He also (when I worked there) and got a new car said to a 25 year old 'do you want to come and see the semen stains in my car?

Struggling to see why you would be upset that he didn’t want to proceed with a relationship. Did you really want to be with a man like this? You were attracted to a man like this? Frankly, he sounds hideous and you should consider yourself well rid.

@YourBrickTiger what kind of job do you do, what industry? It sounds like a toxic workplace environment altogether.

It sounds like he was getting some perverse delight from playing with you like a puppeteer. Only narcs and people with BPD do this. HE is the one who is mentally ill not you. He is a disgusting person, erase him from your life!

Well, quite.

Thank you again for all the messages. I am so so grateful for your time. My little head thinks you see that if he talks like this, then that person is lucky he said that to her. I know that is probably wrong but I know no different.

I work in a very male dominated company, can't mention the name. But to give you an idea, one of the men in the same team as GUY just walked past me and said 'omg I'm so f*** horny'. It's commonplace in here.

I'm unbelievably touched by this. It's really warmed my heart tbh. Thank you so so much. It is so beautifully written and the references from TKAMB are so moving. I am going to print this out and put it where I can see it. I struggle every day with why, if someone is good and only wants the best for a person, why someone would want to destroy that. I find it so painful to even try to rationalise.

Thank you for taking the time to write this and quote the book. It really means the world xxx

You don't need to rationalise it, just remember that he is just not as someone said upthread here not wired up right.

You can try to understand/rationalise his behaviour but it's honestly a waste of time because you will never understand or get answers.

Instead look to yourself to understand why you would think so poorly of yourself that you would accept this treatment and forgive him time after time. Work on your self esteem (which definitely should involve finding a new job).

Good luck and don't look back.

He was probably just not all that interested.But like the attention he got.

I'm trying to put this as gently as possible as I know.The original poster is suffering. I'm not trying to be cruel here, but it's a possibility that he said only like the attention because it made him feel special.But didn't actually want it. Or there were no other options for him at that time. He took what was on offer, but kept it arms length, because he didn't really want it.

It's the only explanation I can come up with.

That's why the constant hot, cold back off, come back, push and pull. He didn't want her to get too close to him. But he didn't want to lose the attention either.

What happens with all of these dynamics is that the uninterested party always ends it when they tire of it or they ve met someone else.

Wow, so is that what people do when they aren't interested? Treat someone else the way he has me? What about everything else I've said about his behaviour to his kids and 2 failed marriages? Does that mean he will go on to treat someone else wonderfully? Please bear in mind that it was him that kept coming back to me...again this just highlights that I maybe wasn't good enough for him. This reads to me like he's just a normal guy. I was starting to feel a bit better, now this has made me feel sick. I know you didn't mean it that way but just 'not being interested' surely does not justify what this man has done to me. If he's this cruel to me, how can I possibly comprehend he'd be nicer to someone else?! Feel like crying now.

OP, he was happy to have someone running around after him, feeding his ego, making him feel desirable and sorry to say, someone to stick his cock in. That's not a you issue, that's just who he is.

No @YourBrickTiger it isn't you, everyone has said that. No they don't go on to treat people wonderfully in future. I had a relationship in my teens before university and he was hot and cold and horrible and I thought I wasn't good enough for him. He would be mean to me and then be out and about with other girls and it used to upset me because I asked myself what I didn't have that they did. Saw him a few years after that and he said he was on the shelf and tried to reel me back in but I was in a relationship then.

I saw him a couple of years ago now mid 30s, he's married with 2 children to a very nice woman. He tried it on with me, and he tried it on with the girl who came after me back then. He sent her unsolicited and inappropriate pictures and videos (she is now also married with children).

I think his wife doesn't know what he's like. They are at heart what they are.

Focus on yourself & your own healing, he's a headcase, and there's nothing to be gained by trying to understand him because he's just bonkers.

Thank you but why would anyone say he just wasn't interested??! That's like a knife through my stomach and it feels like it's justifying everything - like it's ok. And then adding to it 'someone else comes along' means that if there was then she is better. Oh my God, I'm sorry this has me in a complete panic all over again. @InterestedBeing doesn't seem to think he's bonkers :(

Honestly OP. It's not that the someone coming along is better, it's that they are NEW.

Thank you but why would anyone say he just wasn't interested??! That's like a knife through my stomach and it feels like it's justifying everything - like it's ok. And then adding to it 'someone else comes along' means that if there was then she is better.

No, they aren't better. Please don't question if the (fictitious) other person is "better" or if you weren't "enough." This line of thinking is damaging and untrue, he is just a rotten individual, full stop. It feels like you are trying to excuse him, and think that you would have been able to "fix" him if only he would give you a chance. He's unfixable. He's crackers. And he is very very nasty. Is that what you want in a partner?

Do you really think he would stop suddenly being so filthy and inappropriate if he gave you a "chance"? Please please stop wasting energy on understanding him and take that energy forward into your own future, without him or the weirdos you work with.

Because he wasnt interested. If he was interested, he'd be with you right now.

Dont think none of us have been there. My god i have. I had a situationship for about 4 years. I lied to myself just the same way. He was in and out of my life coming on strong, then backing away. He just wasn't interested and I was good enough until he got bored.And then found what he really wanted.

Then I met somebody else, and the difference is astounding. I met someone who was truly interested.And he would move heaven and earth to come and see me. He put the effort in and never back to wait.Because he was interested

Men are fickle like that.Sometimes they just need somebody around a massage their ego

I'm sorry if you found that upsetting, but sometimes telling somebody what they want to hear just doesn't do any good

I don't think he was bonkers. I think he knew exactly what he was doing. He sounds shrewd and calculating.

OK but what you're telling me is that he is shrewd and calculating with just ME? Is that what you mean? Sorry but I need to know!! I didn't think people changed all that much!? The cruelty the humilation etc - people here have said that is who he is and I am sorry to sound manic, but I am a bit by this point with everything - he isn't interested in ANYTHING - his kids, his exes, the countless women he has said to me 'Oh I didn't love her'. I find it all really hard to stomach that that would change. Many people have situationships, but what I've experienced has been downright abusive and I need to know that this wouldn't just happen with me. Please!!

Possibly. I really don't know. He's the only one who does know.

All I can speak of is my own experience, and if they've messed around with you that long, the odds are they were never interested. My guy was pretty abusive towards me as well. It doesn't mean he can't be an angel to the next one.

I don't want to detail that chapter of my live publicly online.But if you want to private message me, I'll happily tell you about it.

I really don't understand this I'm sorry. If someone is abusive, surely they are abusive and don't pick and choose? This guy has nearly ruined my life. I find it really hard to believe that someone who lives his life the way he does and has done what he has done to me his kids and other women can just suddenly start being an angel to someone else!! Did you read what I wrote?

Oh yes Ive read everything. He probably won't be an angel to somebody else.

He managed to get married and have kids to somebody. He didn't even acknowledge you as a girlfriend. He freaked out when you asked him for another phone call. But you never got as far as the other women.

He was never interested. He probably saw a nice kind person.Willing to take his shit to not call him out on it.

He is exploitative and a nasty person, but crazy.No I don't think so. I think he knows exactly what he's doing abusers, as usually do.