I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

I don’t think that’s the appropriate turn of phrase in this case. Your post was gratuitous!!

Asif I dont understand why everyone's telling you not to say anything, thats an awful thing to do to your husband and then lie about it, he should know so your marriage isn't about lies, if this was a man they'd be getting slandered for it! He should know so he can make the choice what he wants to do, not be constantly lied to and now your friend knows is even worse because if he finds out and then finds out your friend knows its just another dagger to the heart.

This. I think it was a mistake to tell your friend as well, tbh. If you tell your husband, he will feel like shit, his trust in you will be destroyed, your marriage may be over, and you probably won't feel any better, anyway. Keep it to yourself, don't do it again and learn to live with the guilt.

I don't know what you mean by another excuse. Women get hit on all the time. I never said I was beautiful. Maybe I get hit on as guys may think I am an easy target due to my drinking. Men will have sex with anything as long as it is alive and moves.

If you can drink that amount OP I feel you’re probably consuming an awful lot more than I do (which admittedly is a negligible amount), and alcohol takes its toll on looks. Are you sure you’re always being hot on? Or is your behavior when drinking attracting, shall we say, the wrong kind of bloke?
I’d not tell him, but do some work on yourself. Sober up (with help if you need it) and stop seeing yourself through the lens of your perceived good looks.
I can’t comment on whether what happened was consensual, but please look after yourself.
sounds like you and DH need to some work - him on weight, you on alcohol.
sorry if that’s harsh.

You did the responsible thing of getting yourself screened for STIs. That’s good.

Same advice to her dh if the roles were reversed?
Or LTB?

It's very likely this is statutory rape unless you know you consented. Ken knee you were drunk, fed you.more drink with a view to having sex with you.

Often victims of rape feel its their fault and guilty. It's not your fault you were vulnerable.

Im glad you stopped drinking. You talk about obesity but alcohol is a nasty killer.

Ref your DH. He may be depressed. Type 2 Diabetes itself can cause a person to get fatter - its a food processing disorder - see if he can access monjauro through the gp yo help manage his sugars and also change his food habits.

Ask him to take a walk with you every day too.

Over time his obesity will start to be addressed.

I have no advice on telling him about the rape. I know i would have told my DH but we're not you, so you must decide.

Im so sorry some AH took advantage you in such a callous way.

All these posts saying don’t tell him that would be LTB if the roles were reversed.
And then it’s the usual same old posts saying it must be rape because nobody can ever be responsible for their own actions.

Oh, sorry OP. I see you’re trying to stop drinking. I do think that was the crux of what happened.

If this was genuinely a ONE TIME MISTAKE and especially considering you were clearly massively impaired by the alcohol?

I would not want to know if you were my fiancé. I would expect you to get yourself tested, on all the preventative treatments possible etc (if you still have time for that) but I would not want to know.

But you've already told your friend. Are you 100% sure she will not tell? That she won't tell her mother, her husband, nobody?? Because if he finds out, you need to be the one to tell him. It needs to come from you if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage. Do not mention his weight or blame him btw. Do mention the alcohol, not remembering and wondering if that man slipped you a pill.

It is different if you believe you were raped. I would hate for my SO to feel like they'd have to keep that kind of secret due to shame.

Thanks so much for your advice and support!

Don’t tell him. It would really hurt him and would destroy your marriage. Just try to move on from it. Your punishment is the guilt you will feel, but there’s no point punishing him too. As an aside I know exactly how you feel about your DH and his weight.

Oh do stop. It wasn't rape. She was pissed and she found the young guy hot.
You do a disservice to women who really are raped.

You really need to woman up and absorb the guilt to the point you can get over it.
You allowed yourself to be taken advantage of, whilst drunk. That's very very regrettable. But don’t broadcast your guilt, keep it to yourself. It’s your private cross to bear.
Instead, let that guilt drive on your resolve to never let this happen again and to staying off alcohol. Teach your own daughter a better way of life without alcohol.

I’m surprised you were sober enough to consent if you had been drinking all day and then plied with shots. That could have been a 19 year old he was targeting. You admit you don’t remember what happened. Leave it at that OP.

Let your regret keep you sober and more emotionally stable instead of wrecking your family. Do better without alcohol. that’s the important lesson for you to take from it.
Concentrate on nurturing and guiding your own family to much wiser lifestyle choices and habits.

I consider myself average. My drinking is probably what attracted men.

@springintoaction321 You really shouldn't call OP shallow and an idiot.
Read the room on this post.

This story has more holes than Swiss cheese - I can’t believe anyone taking this nonsense on face value it’s laughable

This is packed full of amazingness.

I consider myself average. My drinking is probably what attracted men.

Men? More than one?

What do you mean?

This man or others?

Stop blaming men for your own choices and actions.

if you're saying men see you as an 'easy lay' because you drink (to the point of not knowing what you're doing?) that is your fault, not theirs.

This

Maybe because most posters here understand that one small slip in a long marriage doesn't mean you need confess.
Weigh up confessing and a broken family- they have a 12 year old.

Are you seriously suggesting the child should have divorced parents, loss of their home, all that upset, because her mum got drunk and had sex one night?
This wasn't some year long passionate affair with a web of lies and deceit.
It was a holiday ONS and the OP is full of regret.

i think in life there is black and white and shades of grey. Did you do something wrong- yes. Other than your guilt, has there been any negative consequences to your family? No.

what would your husband gain by knowledge of what you have done? Absolutely nothing. Just sadness, upset, stress, loss of trust.

will you do it again ? I expect not so ultimately if I had to weigh up the next thing to do, I’d say the burden of living with the guilt should lie with you and not to tell him. Why should he suffer from what you have done?

I was referring to my comment about "I get hit on all the time".

No thanks. Its clear you're making this up. On the off chance you're not, its clear you're an extremely selfish person and are looking for validation for off loading your shit onto your poor husband. Which I wouldn't give. If you did it, the guilt is your burden and your price to pay.

OP, I get that you feel burdened by guilt - but if you want to do the 'right' thing, you don't get to offload that guilt on your poor husband. You swallow it yourself and you never, ever drink again. Also, I find it horrendous that your post uses as a 'however' the fact that your husband has gained weight. If you confess your infidelity to him, his probably already damaged self-esteem will fall through the floor. Again, if you want to do the best thing for yourself and your marriage, go and get counselling yourself and maybe AA. You will need to be your own police now - no more trips away alone without your husband. That's if you love him and want to stay married. Absolutely do not inflict this heartbreak on him - and never ever blame his weight.