I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

You need to face your husband and tell him what you did.

It'll come out somewhere along the way, hopefully not during an event when there's a room full of your friends or he'll look a right fool, so at least have the balls to be the one to tell him and let him decide if he wants to continue being around a cheating loose legged woman.

He may be overweight but you being obviously dependent on alcohol can't be a joy to live with. You are probably a real pain to deal with. Or knowing you will always be drinking. Especially when you have a 12 year old.
You should have gone back to your hotel with your friend

Grow up you are 50!
Take responsibility for your own rubbish behaviour. The drinking and cheating.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
And yes if your daughter ever found out she probably will resent you.

I never said I blamed anyone but me. I was answering someone's question on why I thought I got hit on. It was because I probably looked like an easy target when I used to drink.

If you get hit on all the time what situations are you putting yourself in?
I sounds as if you are always out, drinking. Bars? Clubs?
Where are you doing this and where is your H when you're out drinking?

Yes, you may be seen as a 'good time girl' by men but you aren't just having a quiet drink with a friend. You must be drinking a lot, getting noisy, attracting attention, giving out messages.

Are you?

Well, this thread has given me a new perspective on a significant minority of women.

Don’t tell him. The guilt is yours to live with. You will ruin so many lives. Your daughter is 12, this will completely affect your relationship with her. Your best friend will not say anything. Keep your mouth closed, get a therapist and talk through this with them, along with your obvious alcoholism. The bigger issue is that in your post you seem to be excusing it because your husband got fat. Talk about that with your therapist too. Don’t punish him or push him away for your actions. Put in mitigations so this does not happen again.

DO NOT SAY ANYTHING.

Esther Perel speaks about this - the question of whether to tell your partner if you’ve had a one-off thing with someone else. She concludes not, as the reason to do so is usually to offload your own guilt. If you love your husband and will never do this again, I wouldn’t tell him because he will be devastated and it could end your marriage.

The key to all this is your drinking.

The ONS is really a symptom of that.

Being serious, you're 'lucky' it was only sex.
Going to a room with a strange man was asking for trouble.
You could have suffered far worse than sex.
Being attacked, beaten up, murdered.

Get yourself to AA and a therapist.

Don't tell your H-nothing will be gained, it will poison your marriage forever, no good will come of it, despite posters saying 'he must know'.

Accept your actions, talk to a professional and deal with why you drink.

I do think you should tell your husband the truth, but first, I think you need to gain some clarity on what that truth is. I don't think a drunk woman can consent to sex, regardless of whether she was sober-ish when initially consenting.

You say you are starting counselling on Monday - given you've already waited four months, I'd wait until you've had a few sessions with your counsellor to say anything. Unpick what happened with your counsellor first.

No, never. I never touched another man since I have been married, until this one incident. I do travel a lot for work and sometimes couple of the girls go out and have a drink and/or nightcap before calling it a night.

@heartlessbitch telling her H means the daughter is the collateral. The marriage may end and upset a child's life forever.

Just because of 1 drunken ONS.

Is that what you're suggesting?

Thanks! Maybe I can find some of her work to read.

I've only read the OP and the first few replies, but I agree with those who say don't tell your DH. It's happened, you're remorseful, move on.

Kindly, you're contradicting yourself.
You say you get hit on all the time because you drink, but then you say you don't go out or drink much.

Which is it?

I agree. Honestly I do not understand drinking all day at your age, you must know that excessive booze leads to lack of control and you could have been very ill, or passed out. It's good that this experience sobered you up, you won't repeat it.

Definitely don't tell your husband, it will do no good. It's a pity you told your friend.

You must put this behind you.

Don’t tell him, you’ll devastate him. You are only telling him to assuage you of the enormous guilt you feel and that is a horrible thing to do. Seek counselling yourself to help you deal with this. Start encouraging your husband to be healthier, help him just like he’s helped you with your drinking.

Esther Perel speaks about this

Who is she?

Just another woman with an opinion of 'how to live'?

It's still just an opinion whether it's by a psychologist or a counsellor.

I travel a lot, and sometime some of us girls go out to have a drink/nightcap. It is pretty common to get hit on at bars, hotel bars (where you are staying) late in the evening. I would imagine this happens to most women in that situation. I am no exceptional beauty, average at best. Now, I usually don't get as drunk as I was this day. Especially when traveling for work, as we usually have long workdays, and have to get up early.

If you decide not to tell. And my earlier posts say I think you should, Then another book recommendation is Seven secrets for making marriage work by John Gottman. Then read his dates book.

If you don’t confess then become the best spouse you can be. Get help for the alcohol, accept you cannot drink just two, take up an active sport with your husband and become a person you admire.

Living with an alcoholic sucks.

For the posters who suggest this post is t real, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I’m not sure it matters. I write my posts hoping someone somewhere will benefit. Those Gottman books are the best relationship books out there (in my opinion) and me writing this may save another persons marriage. Or turn a bland relationship into a great one.

@MinimumAstronaut811 i am very against , lies cheating etc. However ….. Do not tell your dh .
You are not a piece of crap you are human.
You sound really sorry and you need to keep the guilt as yours. Can you do a few therapy sessions to deal with your mistake ?

I’d have a conversation about eating healthy getting in shape . I mean you have both started by getting rid of the alcohol.

Tell your husband and your marriage will implode thus destroying your family.
What is your child going to think of you, not a good example to set by any means.

By spilling your guts you potentially destroy your marriage, relationship with the child, your parents, your in-laws, ………..why risk all that to clear your conscience?

Be a decent person…….what you did was abhorrent, foolish, irresponsible and despicable. Move on and value what you have and don’t be so stupidly next time!

Thanks so much for your response and book recommendation. I have actually looked up a few videos from at Dr. Gottman (a female). Wonder if she is related to the author you recommended.

If my husband did this, one drunken mistake, that led to them changing positively I would actually rather not know.
Maybe that's unusual. We are all different and only you know him well enough to assess what's most likely to save or destroy your marriage, and what would happen if he found out further down the line and you hadn't told him.

I'm not sure I'd describe it as a drunken ONS.

And that's why I've suggested she talks this through with her counsellor first. It's important she knows what she's telling her husband before she tells him, as the way she frames it will have a huge impact on how he processes it.

I don't think true enthusiastic consent can be given when drunk.

And I think the OP has skirted around an alcohol problem, but this incident hints at it being far more serious than she's let on.

I really think unpicking what's happened with the counsellor that the OP has already lined up will be very important.

I actually think you’d be incredibly selfish if you tell him. You’re doing it for yourself and not thinking about your DH and DD.

It was a one-off, you’ll never do it again. You need to deal with it internally and put it behind you.

If my DH did something like that and was truly ashamed, I’d rather not know than him blow up my life and my kids lives.