I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

Really? Part of your attempt to justify your behaviour was to finger point at your husband and criticise his appearance. It would seem you are not being honest with yourself about your feelings nor the state of your marriage?

You can't take what you have done back. You broke your wedding vows and there is on this occasion a price to pay. Your price is the guilt.
Your husband didn't break any vows he doesn't need his life destroying because of your guilt.
Telling him will just ease your guilt, it will not make you innocent but may make you feel less guilty. It may totally destroy your marriage but at least you will feel less guilty...
Grow up accept the guilt, keep your mouth shut, work on yourself and your marriage.

Do not tell him, never tell him, ever.

Don't tell him. Just don't. NOTHING good will come of doing so. Nothing.

5 or 6 shots of whiskey after a day drinking then staying up all night having sex?

Yeah right 🙄

Do not tell him, never tell him, ever

Until one day, her friend - who also has form for getting absolutely bladdered - lets slip

You need to take along hard look at your marriage and how both of you have destructive habits (food and drink.)
Are they a comfort for what's missing?

If you do tell him, think long and hard about your life as a single woman in her 50s. You will be a single parent, you may suffer financially and your child will be in the middle of it all.

If this is what telling him brings, face up to that first.

He could completely forgive you, recognising the situation and you're human weakness - but still have a strong uncontrollable visceral jealousy that will destroy your relationship and end your marriage.

Only men rape.

So you are saying she has to take responsibility (because of her age apparently) for being raped. Ok. Was she asking for it?

My advice. Don't tell him.
You only really want to tell him to assuage your guilt. You fucked up (no pun intended), you live with the guilt.

However I'm afraid you may also need to murder your friend to really ensure she keeps her mouth shut.

I am starting individual counseling this coming Monday.

I cant comment on whether she was raped or not. I wasnt there.

. I am used to getting hit-on as that is part of being a female in our society

Crikey another excuse the OP is making whilst boasting at the same time. I feel sorry for your husband being married to a shallow idiot.

Oh God. What a load of self indulgent nonsense.

Okay we get it. You're always hit on and your haband is a fat slob. See you thought fuck it and fucked the hot young dude.

Don't tell your husband. You're not doing it for noble reasons. You're doing it to try and get rid of your guilt. All you're doing is off loading pain onto your husband. Having to live with what you've done is th price you pay for your all night sex. Tough.

My husband cheated and only told me as news was coming from the OW husband to tell me. I'd honestly rather not known.

Do some work on yourself instead of trying to change your husband and use him as an excuse.

Ok, firstly get yourself in a frame of mind of acceptance that you are telling him. Maybe take a few days to get your head around this is actually happening to prepare yourself. Do you actually want to be with him is probably a deep question you need to be asking yourself too.

When you tell him don't project any blame on his body issue. Just be honest you have a drinking problem and you've messed up and that you are prepared to seek professional help for your drinking problem. Also be honest with him that your friend also knows.

Also prepare yourself to have to have a conversation with your daughter that you and her Dad are separating if it happens. I really hope it doesn't come down to that but be prepared to do so. Express your wishes to your husband that it is in her best interest she does not find out about your infidelity.

Alcoholism is not a disability. Please don’t describe it as such.

It wasn't at his appearance, but rather at his health, the issues that Diabetes causes with internal organs and general health overall. He actually looked very handsome still. He has actually shed some weight since I stopped drinking as it motivated him to improve his health. It really bothered me that he was headed towards disability or death. I know I was too with alcohol

Of course you should tell your husband you cheated on him.

I wouldn't tell him. You're doing it because you feel guilty and believe you need to be punished, but doing so will punish him and will do absolutely nothing to your guilt.

I'm glad you've given up drinking. That's the sacrifice you need to make, the 'punishment' you need to inflict on yourself: never touch another drop of alcohol again.

I would also consider whether you really should stay with your husband. I don't think you should tell him you had an affair, but if you can't love him as he is, he deserves someone who can. It would be coward's way out to tell him about the fling and make him be the one to end it, and force him to absorb that pain.

Basically, your job here is to spare him pain. Stay with him and love him, leave him without telling him how you were unfaithful. They're the choices I would give myself.

Don't tell him. This is a secret you must bear - telling him might expiate your guilt but it will cause him such pain and that pain that need not be inflicted. A pity you told your friend.

Thanks for the advice!

That silly bugger was pissed and obviously confused...

Never happened.

Fight for your marriage.

It's amazing that you have actually given up alcohol ever since - no mean feat.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, OP. Given how you have dealt with it since (STD test, quitting booze), I think you would be justified in NOT saying anything on the basis that you are embracing the good that has come out of such a traumatic experience. This has already shown the potential to improve your lives going forward if it has prompted you to become sober and this has had a knock-on effect on DH's health too.

I get what PPs are saying about if this was a bloke on here, being lynched, but in all honesty if my DH had done something similar for similar reasons, and felt/behaved the same way afterwards, I would think that was enough and would not particularly want him to unburden his guilt onto me because only he knows (more or less) how the night played out and how shabby it was, whereas I would just fret over it wondering what was wrong with me and how gorgeous the other woman was, etc, painting all sorts of scenes in my imagination. All pointless pain that would fester for ever.

I also think that vulnerable (drunk) women are exposed to risks that men don't really have to deal with in the same way. When a man gets staggeringly drunk, the danger is more that he might find himself beaten up. To live with your guilt, could you think of this in similar terms? The "consent" part of what happened with you is rather hazy.

If you feel your marriage is strong and disclosure would only cause unnecessary hurt, this internal script might help quiet the guilt: "I made a mistake that I’ll carry silently because I don't want to harm someone I deeply love. I’ve taken steps to ensure it won’t happen again and will keep showing up in this relationship with honesty in all that truly matters."

Bizarrely, I had a vivid dream a couple of months ago that I cheated on my DH. So vivid that now, in dreams, I often find myself fretting about having been unfaithful to him, and wondering how I'm going to tell him! I mean, I didn't even get the "fun" out of it 😫😬 and I'm still wracked with guilt (when asleep)!

This might seem like a random comment, but drink also creates a sort of dream world, especially in an unfamiliar environment. You have woken up (from the booze). Well done for that.

OP your thread makes absolutely NO sense.

You claim to be so full of remorse and feel awful for shagging someone else behind your husband's back, and want to tell him what you did because he deserves to know. You claim that the guilt is eating you up for betraying him.

You also claim to have suddenly been able to stop drinking because of your infidelity, even though you've previously attended AA meetings etc and you didn't stop drinking altogether then.

I'm wondering why you were able to put your family through hell with your drinking before, yet you don't mention how awful that made you feel as to how you were treating them, and yet now because of a one night stand (that your husband doesn't even know about) you're beside yourself ?

I don't believe any of your 'story'

Read my other response to similar question.