I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

oh OP, what a mess.

Obviously you know you have done a dreadful thing. I won’t labour that point.

I have been thinking about this from a ‘would I want to know’ perspective. And actually, I probably wouldn’t want to know if this was my DH. If it was genuinely a one off. Genuinely he was incredibly contrite and mortified. If it would never, ever, happen again. If he was addressing the source of the problem, alcohol in this case. I wouldn’t want my life ripped apart by this.

I know that isn’t what I’m meant to say and I’ve surprised myself, but that’s my honest view.

She has said herself that she has a bad relationship with alcohol. Is that not just a euphemistic way of saying 'acoholic'? It's not a shameful thing.

The OP has said she is an alcoholic - I know my alcoholism has been a heavy burden on our family and surely contributed to my husband's health issue. I really tried for many years to quit, went to AA, even had my husband quota out alcohol to me so I am forced to stop after 2 drinks. None of that worked for me. I guess deep down I really was just selfish and did not want to give up boos.

Why so crude!

Yeah ok 🙄
I think some schools have broken up early haven’t they?

We’ve all done things we regret, whatever they might be.

Do NOT tell your DH.

You’ve learnt from it, now be the best partner and mother you can be. It’s a fresh start and the guilt will wear off in time.

I think you have posted because secretly you are looking for permission to leave.

You have an alcohol problem and cheated on your husband because he's fat.

If you were a man you would be torn to shreds on here.

You are allowed to leave and you should leave. If I were you I would tell your husband so he can have a shot at finding happiness with someone who respects him.

I doubt it's even worth me replying because you only acknowledge replies that say to tell him.
You seem determined to ruin your husband's life and hurt him, why?

You've been told that your consent is under question. Kissing someone is not consent to sex.

I know you feel bad, if you want to punish yourself perhaps don't tell him then and manage the own guilt on your own.

You've said yourself that your DH will be devastated. Do you really think someone completely betrayed and devastated is going to forgive and forget and live happily ever after?

Dont be delusional about this.

If you love your DH don't tell him.

But I absolutely do not want to leave. I wish I could take back what I have done, but I can't.

Your biggest mistake was telling your friend.

This will eventually come out so it's best now rather than in 5-10 years etc.

I'm a firm believer in owning up to your mistakes regardless of what that mistake is/was. I really don't think people can live with this kind of guilt long term.

And the double standards on here are wild. Married men get ripped apart on here for simply chatting up another woman let alone having a one night stand.

Also for the pp bleating on about double standards, one difference is that often the men who cheat intentionally set out to do so.

If a man said they were pursued by a woman, plied with drinks, described the woman as relentless, I think we'd all imagine a man eater type woman and have sympathy for the man.

It's just that it's rare it happens that way round.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, OP. I know it is entirely of your own doing but the regret and remorse must be very heavy to carry. I would seek counselling asap to support you through the next few weeks/months.

As someone who saw something similar unfold first hand, I think you need to be ready to explain to your husband and also your DD what has happened. I think you should be prepared to potentially move out straight away so your husband can have some space and to avoid your daughter witnessing some pretty traumatic arguments. If you can, I would arrange for DD to be away when you tell your husband or for you and him to be away. But you then need to tell you daughter some version of events so she understands why (if your husband asks you to) you’ve left the family home. I would commit to AA or another program that suits you to show your commitment and I would be ready to answer questions your husband has. He may want details and I wouldn’t go down the ‘too drunk to remember’ line as it’ll drive him crazy. I wouldn’t sign up to couples therapy yet as your husband will have a lot of stuff to process and he doesn’t need to do that in front of you. I. Don’t think it’s fair on him to feel so exposed in front of a stranger until he’s ready. Ideally, he would go to therapy alone but I don’t think you can set that up for him in advance.

If you tell him, you have to understand that it’ll change your relationship forever. Best case scenario, it will always linger somewhere in your relationship. Worst case scenario, he’ll leave you. Similarly, your relationship with your daughter will also be hugely affected by this. If your DH is the family man you describe, she’ll struggle to understand your perspective and it could end with her wanting to live with him or her really disliking you for a while. She may potentially go into adulthood thinking that any of her partners could suddenly cheat on her because that is what you have modelled. I’m sorry this sounds harsh but you really need an action plan for your relationship with your daughter as she is at an age where it’ll be harder to hide what happened and it will have an impact on how she views her relationships in the future. It’s all fixable but it’s a problem you made and you need to make all the effort to heal.

If you choose not to tell your DH, you need to get on with AA or another program to show your commitment to it not happening again, you need to go to therapy and you need to be ready to feel guilty forever. That’s the price you pay for keeping your family together. You also have to be aware that if it comes out another way somehow, you’ll almost def lose your husband because you didn’t confess, he had to find out.

It’s a pretty impossible choice. I hope your friend is truly there to support you as you make a choice as it’s going to be tough either way.

You’re misunderstanding. You were already drunk when this guy started buying you shots. His intention was clearly to get you to have sex with him. If you ended up so drunk that you don’t remember a lot of it then you may have been too drunk to give proper consent. Kissing is not consent to sex. Ask yourself a question. If you’d been sober would you have consented ?

You 100% need to tell him, the betrayal of him being oblivious all this time will hurt him so much more if he does ever find out from someone else or later down the line. I am shocked at the comments saying not to tell him, if the roles were reversed everyone would be slating him and telling him you deserve to know. I think if I found out my husband cheated me being kept in the dark clueless for how ever long would really upset me more and make me feel humiliated. Ask yourself if he did this would you want to know?

Careful, those pearls will break with you clutching them so hard 😂

You make good points. I have been thinking about telling him, but not just because of the guilt, but because I truly believe he needs to know how I strayed so he can make a decision based on all the facts. I know him, and I know how determined he gets once he sets his mind. He will not have any trouble getting back in shape and finding someone if he decides to leave me. Maybe that will be better for him in the end. I also see the other side of how it will affect him and just hurt him, and that I should focus on being a good wife/mother going forward. I am just very confused and don't know what I should do.

You both seem to have dysfunctional relationships with a) alcohol and b) food.

He's clinically obese and diabetic, you're bordering on alcohol addiction.

Are you both so unhappy together that this is how you cope ?

Something isn't right.

I think you need to be honest with yourself over your marriage .

If this is just a one off mistake, put it behind you .
But take from it that you need to get support for your drinking.
Use Drink Aware to help you see what youre doing and maybe contact Al Anon?

People are saying it’s double standards but I don’t think it is. If a man had been that drunk no intercourse would have taken place. This is why it’s so dangerous for women who are given so much alcohol they can barely think - they are still ‘shagable’ although in this case (and many others) the word should be ‘rapeable’. The opposite gender story would have ended at ‘I kissed another woman in a bar when pissed’. I think this situation is one where women should be supporting a woman who was raped when suffering from a drug addiction. If she had been single this thread would have been offering comfort and support after being raped.

Give it a rest.

I’m all for honesty but I would say don’t tell him. You have your 12 year old to think about and she has to be the priority.

instead I would work on yourself… seek therapy to help you understand your relationship with alcohol and why this happened

Sounds like a sexual assault to me. No wonder you feel so terrible about it. Can you see a counsellor or go to the GP?

i think you should leave psychology to the experts because you’ve totally misread this.

But this is a woman in her fifties who was already shit faced from day drinking and chose not to go back to the hotel with her friend.
I agree that the man's behaviour is up for question, but if he was a young guy on a group holiday, who's to say he wasn't also plastered from day drinking too?
At some point you also have to take responsibility for yourself. We are grown ass women - not children.

I have been thinking about telling him, but not just because of the guilt, but because I truly believe he needs to know how I strayed so he can make a decision based on all the facts.

So, you think you're doing him a favour by telling him?

Not really- it 's all about YOU and now you're in martyr mode.

Seriously, get yourself some therapy.
You got yourself in this situation because of your drinking.
But you are also in a more or less sexless marriage living with an unattractive H who appear to comfort eat.

You've both got addictive habits- him (food) you (drink)
In a way you're mutually dependent on each other but it's not a healthy set up.

Thanks so much for your advice! Much appreciated!