I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

I agree with pp who have said you must tell him so he has genuine information on which to base his decisions (eg whether to stay with you or not). To do otherwise is just cowardly.

But that's not the main reason I'd tell him. I'd tell him because if you don't, this secret becomes a weird shadow between you for the rest of your lives, affecting everything about your ability to be honest with each other. You'll need to remember to lie and censor any discussions about that trip. You'll need to get nervous whenever your friend comes over, particularly if anything to do with it comes up in conversation. Your husband then has to adjust around the things you're saying that don't quite make sense to him, without knowing it's because they're lies. Compared to the short sharp shock of a heartfelt confession and apology, that's magnifying the problem a hundredfold, and taking it much more out of either of your control.

I honestly don't understand people who can have relationships based on deceit, but maybe that's just me. Based on this thread there's clearly plenty of people who take it for granted as perfectly normal (so long as the deceit comes from the woman, of course!).

I also think you might be catastrophising and overblowing his likely reaction, fuelled by your own sense of guilt. It's not like you've had an affair. You got very pissed and did something stupid, one time. He'll be hurt, and it will take some time to heal, but I'd be surprised if he wanted to break up your family over it.

I would also echo a pp's comments about not diluting your apology by mentioning possible mitigating factors. He knows he's fat, he doesn't need to hear it. He knows you have problems with drink. Leave all that for another time, if and when it comes up. Just own it.

I understand. Friends would obviously want to help. They can discuss, try to persuade etc but in the end they can't physically stop someone from going to a bar and drinking. I think my point was that in the end we have to take full responsibility for our own actions no matter what others do.

Did you actually consent to sex if he plied you with shots and you were so drunk you don’t remember it. Sounds like rape to me.

This. And if you have a problem with alcohol, seek help first that.

@boringbiscuits what a coincidence!

Tell him. It's shitty not to.

I don't think you understand how alcohol affects people. If it's so easy to stop drinking and avoid alcohol, why do you think there are alcoholics and people who drink far too much, even knowing the harm it causes? If it's so easy to walk away from, nobody would have a problem with it.

First things first - your sobriety and your child (who will have suffered some negative effects due to your drinking, poor choices, anxiety and guilt).
Focus on those two things as priority and let everything else happen as it may.
Honestly, if you truly put the work in, you'll see amazing results and you'll know what you need to do and when you need to do it.
Good luck! You all deserve better than you currently have, but it takes effort.

Isn't it just!

Exactly. Posters always claim on here 'once a cheat always a cheat'. So basically they belive that the husband, who in OP's admission is a wonderful husband/father/person deserves to be cheated on all likelihood continuously throughout this relationship.

Reading OP's posts she's admitted she's been hit on loads of times in the past. She opted to stay in the bar alone rather than return with her friend. Imo at best OP was hoping for outside attention and an ego boost and at worst she was looking for a hook up.

I honestly don't understand people who can have relationships based on deceit, but maybe that's just me. Based on this thread there's clearly plenty of people who take it for granted as perfectly normal (so long as the deceit comes from the woman, of course!).

@Jumpupjumphigh I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or using hyperbole here but you're not accurate.

No one takes something like this a 'perfectly normal' and I'm sure you know that.

What many posters are saying is the damage to the family unit may exceed any benefit from telling him.

It's not like a long affair conducted in secret. That' s different.

This was a drunken ONS which the OP bitterly regrets. It's not a relationship 'based on deceit'. It's a ONS that was a mistake and OP is now mortified.

Maybe it is 'just you' who can't appreciate the difference between an emotional and physical affair, carried out over weeks , months or years, and a 'holiday ONS' fuelled by drink.

Honesty is not always the best policy when you consider the far-reaching implications for the family. Are you forgetting there is a child in the middle of this as well?

She didn’t cheat, she was plied with alcohol and raped when too drunk to give consent.

What’s the chances eh? 🤷‍♀️

women need to be careful of accusing men of rape as it does an injustice to rape which is a violent , often premeditated, act.

If you have ever followed any court cases for rape you'd see this wouldn't stand up to scrutiny. Not because the OP was drunk but because she didn't say 'no' at any time and willingly went back to his room knowing full well what was likely to happen.

Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

If my DH did this and didn't tell me, assuming I found out another way, it would be past any chance of forgiveness. Not telling me is something I'd find unforgivable. I don't want a marriage based on lies. If I knew my DH had put it elsewhere, I think I have a right to decide if I want to sleep with him in that context. To me, that is a health based decision and robs me of consent, if I don't know the facts. For me, the non-disclosure would be worse, so I vote for telling him.

Ok so it is the right thing because you say so? Why is burdening her husband with it the right thing to do? The pain and upset that it will cause him.. why can’t the op deal with that herself?
you said she isn’t a good person. You cannot define someone as good or bad based on their mistakes.

Don't tell him, what is the point? You will feel relieved for about a minute and then be dealing with the fall out for years. It is obvious that you deeply regret it and are eaten up with guilt. Try to forgive yourself, put it in the past and don't do it again

You are taking absolute rubbish! Catch a grip, seriously. Your post is dangerous.

she's not lying.

she's just not telling.

Big difference.

OP you mentioned counselling, but what about specific help with the alcoholism?

I may be wrong but it sounds like you’re perhaps American (due to terminology used in your posts), so I’m not sure of the organisations available to you. Others may.

It's a lie by omission if he believes they are only having sex with each other and she's been elsewhere.

Please don;t tell him.

You made a drunken mistake. We all make mistakes.

Imagine if this was the other way around. What a joke. I think you should tell him, let him decide if he wants to stay with an alcoholic cheater who thinks it's his fault she did it because he's a fatty.

It's not.

That's your opinion.

What good would telling him do?

Make him feel worse- he knows he's fat and unattractive anyway, to her.

Brea k up the family?
For one single ,drunken regretted fuck?

@boringbiscuits, a 2nd home also features in the other example. Bullshit from start to finish.