I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

Don't tell him. Forget it.

And here is the double standard. If a guy did this, everyone would be up in arms. @MinimumAstronaut811 needs to tell her H, and he needs to divorce her. You reap what you sow.

It's a difficult one with no right or wrong answer. The reaction from your DH if you confess or indeed the reaction of anyone in this situation depends on the individual concerned. You sound extremely remorseful OP to the extent you are mentally torturing yourself. I doubt telling your DH would make you feel better. Perhaps you are hoping the outcome would be more torture for you & your family especially if he decided to end the marriage. I am fortunate to be married to a faithful & wonderful husband & father. If he had one very drunken liaison during our marriage there is absolutely no way I would want to know. The guilt would be enough for him to carry & even then I'd hope he would put it in the past where it belonged. He is not the type to do this but people are only human so never say never.The decision is yours.

I agree she needs to tell him but he doesn't have to divorce her. Maybe they can work through it and address whatever is going wrong that this happened, or maybe he will call it a day on the marriage. He needs to be given the chance to make that choice.

Exactly this x

Tell him. Your husband deserves better.
Truly disgusting behaviour.

Its not shallow! She doesn't fancy him Obese and why should she! She didn't marry an Obese man. Triggered much! 🙄

🎯 Bullseye

If you tell him then you have to accept that your marriage will probably be over.
If you don't tell him you live with the guilt and also fear your friend will spill the beans.
If you'd just snogged the guy I wouldn't tell - it's a bit grim but you could just put it down to the heat of the moment - but sex is different even if you were really pissed.
Years ago before I was even engaged to now-DH I snogged someone at a nightclub when I was with my bestie, never told him and have been faithful since, but you are married with a child, very different.

Maybe spend some time re-reading the OP. She outright mentions his weight as a possible reason why she may have looked elsewhere. It's not definitive but she's the one who brought it up.

Not me.

Don't tell him. He might have done the same for all you know.

I agree with this.

Yes - I know someone will come on to tell me differently, but it's the case that very drunk women are predated sexually on by men and not the other way round. The reason being - as you say - that very drunk men can't (usually) have sex whereas very drunk women can be raped. She isn't the first woman who's been plied with alcohol and ended up in bed with someone regrettable, and she won't be the last. Of course, there is some accountability for letting yourself get that drunk, but a good guy wouldn't have taken advantage of her. And she's the one who's crucified with guilt now, while he's no doubt bragging to his mates about banging a 'MILF.' There's no real double standard here because that's now how sexual mores in our society work.

Listen, you made a mistake. You're human. Please stop giving yourself such a hard time because its going to eventually crush you.

Firstly I feel something in your marriage must be lacking for you to give in to temptation. I would get counselling to have a safe confidential space to share and work through what the reasons are that led to this.

I personally don't think you need to share this with your husband as long as you take responsibility by getting counselling and working on yourself. You might find through counselling the marriage isn't right for you anymore or the opposite that you want to work on things and address the issues that led to you straying.

Whatever you decide sending you lots of positivity and love. Be kind to yourself. 🙏

Unbelievable isn't it! 😆 Utter madness. So when a woman let's herself go, esp once she had children and puts her children above her own looks/needs/wants, according to some posters it's okay for the man to go fing about with a young barbie.

So, if a woman gains weight, is a man allowed to cheat because well, he didn't marry an overweight woman?

Like, it's reasonable to lose attraction if someone's appearance has significantly changed, and that's a discussion to have if the change is something that can be helped.

However, it's not an excuse to cheat. If it's at that point where you're close to-you need to leave the relationship.

Precisely!

This thread is a complete wind up it's so obvious!

There's another thread that's recently been pointed out which uses the same terms and looks suspiciously written by the same person.
It mentions the Barbie Ken, the flashes, the two homes, the sti panel , boos spelt incorrectly.

The thread is about a husband supposedly finding out his wife has cheated with a 24 year old (same as this one) , so if both threads have been written by the same poster then they've got to be untrue .

The link is a few pages back.

I'm not wasting my time on this one , oh and surprise surprise the OP has vanished!

however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met.

So you shagged someone else because he's fat.

While he HASN'T been unfaithful despite you being an alcoholic.

Honestly @MinimumAstronaut811 it sounds to me as if you don't deserve him. Alcoholic by far outweighs a bit fat.

If you want to keep him 1) Stop drinking permanently. 2) Stop critiquing the weight of a GOOD MAN. 3) Don't tell him because if he leaves he will be snapped up by a very grateful woman. Whereas a 50 year old alcoholic will yes, find plenty of one night stands, but would struggle to find a good relationship.

This. Let the guilt eat you if it must. You did the deed, let's be kind to you as requested and put it down to a drunken mistake/getting it out of your system. IF it is out of your system, then freeing yourself of a guilty secret will only serve to hurt your hubby and child. It's hurting you, and that's ok. Time will help! Move on, you did a human thing, a mistake. Not a nice one, but you seem to be trying to address a long standing issue with booze, with some good encouragement from him too, so some good can come of it.

If you're going to insist on telling him, (and if it was meaningless and a once off, don't) please don't lead with the fact that you did this because in your medical opinion he's gotten fat enough to get diabetes.

Don't tell him. The only reason to tell him is to assuage your guilt. You need to forgive yourself. Learn to live with this error and learn from it. Giving up alcohol is a good thing. Get checked for STDs.
If you need help go to a counsellor, but do not lay this poor behaviour at your husbands door. Neither he nor your family deserve it. Good luck.

Agreed. This is all bullshit.

I think she’s American … has the terminology and the Christian vibe - so she could be asleep.
but does sound weird if there was another one the same.
i don’t understand the purpose of a fake thread.

What if he was absolutely smashed off his face aswell?

I would advise you tell him, put yourself into his shoes if this was the other way round and your husband kept this from you, it would only cement your disgust for the situation he allowed himself to be in? You would be more likely to not forgive him if you would have forgave at all, because he hasn't came forward and been honest with you about it, which then makes him deceitful and a liar? So many responses telling you not to tell him and I get why cause you clearly are regretful of this situation but again if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want your husband to be honest with you? so be honest with him please? double standards IMO and in this day and age we all should be equal he deserves the right to know and choose how to move forward just as much as you would being put in the same situation.

Absolutely mental.

I'll assume all these women will be happy for their husbands to cheat on them with a young, beautiful 20-something woman and not say a word to them about it, then.

Especially if she's gained a bit of weight. We all know that gaining weight is the ultimate "get out jail free card" for cheaters.