I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

Why on earth would you tell him - you are fat so I decided when drunk to have sex with someone much younger than you and fit
and now I want you to know and to forgive and forget

I wonder how fast he can divorce you, obiv you will be moving out immediately upon telling him...

They always are.

Women on MN are coddled when they cheat, but if a man came on here, admitting the same (and giving the same excuses) he'd be ripped apart.

I don't want to rip the OP apart-but the truth is-you lost the right to decide what happens to the marriage as soon as you cheated. I know it's not a simple choice and it has consequences but that's what the cost of cheating is-consequences.

I mean, people harping on about "keep quiet and don't risk your relationship like this again." Is it even a risk if you just point blank refuse to be honest and continue to deceive a man whose crime is "to let himself go?"

So, if a woman lets herself go, whatever that is, is that justification for a man to cheat on her?

I don’t see any hole. I haven’t thrown up since I was a child. Not even after a drunken one night stand.

Drinking plenty of water is the key to not getting a hangover.

I'm glad I'm not married to you if this is your standard for marriage. If she tells him the truth, he is able to exercise his right to decide if he wants to stay in this marriage under the circumstances. If she doesn't tell him, the secret will eat away at the marriage and put it in danger anyway.

If my DH told me he made a 'mistake' of the kind you don't make if you really love someone, I would stay at this point. If I found out another way, and these things have a way of coming out, it would be see ya, no discussion.

Where does she say she had this ONS because her H is fat?

You're adding 2 and 2 and making 5.

First thing I’d ask is what would you like your DH to have done, and how you’d have felt? Suppose he’d got fed up with your alcohol problem and had a quick fling with a porn star looking 24 year old. Would you want him to confess? Would you forgive him? Or would it be better for all concerned if he never told you?

I agree with others.. never tell him unless you want your marriage to end...your penance will be to live with it ...but move on....is there any chance your friend will tell anyone ?

If you were drunk to the point that you can't remember much of what happened, it would have been obvious to him that you were extremely drunk, and quite possibly too drunk to give proper consent. A gentleman (or one who is mindful of the law around consent!) would have escorted you back to where you were staying, not taken you back to his room for sex.

That, combined with the fact that he was plying you with shots, sounds like predatory behaviour to me.

Try not to feel guilty about this, you were taken advantage of. It might seem best to be honest with your husband, but it is really going to hurt him. Maybe get some individual relationship counselling before deciding whether to tell him?

Why the fk would you tell him?? Just live with it and learn from it (which it sounds like you have done). Absolutely no good will come from telling him!

Unless you're a man there is no chance we'd be married.
I'm glad I don't live in your black and white world where you're so sure everything is so simple.

If she doesn't tell him, the secret will eat away at the marriage and put it in danger anyway.

This is your opinion. It's not a fact. You're not OP so how can you possibly know?

Agree with those saying don't confess because you think you'll feel better - you won't and it will throw a grenade into your marriage and devastate your husband and kids. As others have said, you need to unpick the reasons why you had a one-night stand. Was it definitely consensual? It sounds like you were too drunk for that tbh. It also sounds like you're struggling with not being attracted to your husband any more, although he's a good man and you love him. I am no expert but I should think couples and single counselling is probably necessary, if you want your marriage to work, going forward. But if you want to stay together - genuinely, and not just out of guilt or because you think you should or some other reason other than really loving and wanting to be with him - then you can't tell him about this.

Likewise here!

Honesty and not having secrets is a simple foundation for a strong marriage.

I'm glad I don't live in your world where deceit is okay if the other person doesn't find out.

I feel sorry for OP's husband.

Everyone needs to read boringbiscuits post of 9:40 before they waste time on this.

Drunken consent is still consent (up to a point)

people are still responsible for their behaviour when they are drunk.

no doubt I’ll get lynched for this post

It's the world that most posters here agree with.

Maybe we take a more grown up approach to life where 'honesty' is not an altar we'd die on. It isn't always best, it's balance between two less than ideal outcomes.

I wouldn't tell him yet. You are obviously racked with guilt and punishing yourself. Why punish him and your daughter by bring them into you flash in a pan drama.
Get yourself a therapist confess all them, they will help you understand why you did it, your alcohol issues and once you have worked out your stuff you can decide to tell him and your family then.

That doesn't say very much for the world.

I've got 33 years of happy marriage under my belt. How about you?

Don't tell your DH. It might make you feel better, but it will likely destroy him and your marriage. Why would you do that? It's just compounding your terrible behaviour and making everything ten times worse. It would be such a selfish thing to do. If you can't sit with your secret, then get some counselling and spill the beans there instead.

I thought the same.

Imagine the sexes reversed.

A married 50 year old man, cheating on his wife, shagging a 24 year old all night on holiday, complaining that it was because his wife had put on weight.

Gross.

Not going to get into silly competitive arguments where you rate yourself so highly.

It comes over as smug.

But if you have the time, go through ALL the posts here saying the same as I have and ask those posters?

Yes and it's quite awful.

Consenting to kissing is not the same as consenting to sex!

It's not smug. We're obviously doing something right. Honesty being one of the foundations of our marriage. We just have different values, which is fine since we're not married to each other.