I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

OP I've read all your updates and what really worries me about your posts is that you don't seem 100% sure you gave consent to sex. You say you started kissing him at the bar but that is not the same. Did you agree to go home with him? Did you then agree to sex when you got there? Did he use protection? Consent can be withdrawn at any time, including after you've started. You say you can't remember a lot, is it normal for you to blackout when drinking, even to excess?

Please take care of yourself first before deciding how and when to tell your DH.

Thanks again for the info. Appreciate it.

You had fun and he was fit, unlike your husband - don't fret about it

I would suggest you make an appointment with Relate, just for you, and get the advice of a professional relationship counsellor
If you cheated in a loving relationship, then there's something wrong
They can help
And you will possibly need them for an appointment together once you do tell him
https://www.relate.org.uk/

I don't think this is real. I don't know any women who refer to themselves as females and sluts.
However on the off chance that it is real, i would advise not to tell. Your marriage breaking up will destroy your daughter's life forever. Just read a few threads about blended families on here. What you did was awful but it's up to you to live with the guilt

Don't tell him. It's your guilt, your fault, your secret to lock away. Why should your conscience destroy his life. Get healthy together and enjoy the rest of your marriage - which will be ruined permanently if you tell him.

1. Your guilt is appropriate
2. You did it because you were pissed out of your brain
3. You need an STD test
4. Do not tell your OH.
5. Tell your friend you plan not to tell him
6. You will have to live with the guilt. That's the way it goes.

So its the husband's fault because he's a fat knacker? No wait, its the other blokes fault because he's a predatory rapist! No wait again, its the friend's fault for leaving a grown woman in the bar! I see no-one has managed to blame it on your child yet?

May be look a bit closer to home for fault?!

Nausea, intense headache, depression from my actions.

To save your marriage, you need not to tell him about it and to forget about it utterly, almost as if it had happened to your friend, not you.

I’m going against the grain. I will tell him. Sit down and be honest. I would absolutely hate being in a marriage that I was not aware of infidelity. It’s not about assuaging your guilt. It’s about honesty and respecting your partner enough to be prepared to deal with the consequences

Absolutely agree

Agree 100%. I honestly don’t know why I’m wasting my time reading this thread as many (not all) of the so called feminists on here are really just man-haters with huge double standards when it comes to things like this.

but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it

So good looking guys hit on you, but only when you are drunk?

Odd.

Nothing like drowsiness, confusion? Anxiety?

Can you clarify what you remember as well as how much you remember? That’s really key here.

Were you not throwing up after a night of drinking + shots? how did you not experience a terrible hangover?

And the male would be at high risk of getting drugged then robbed. Different risk but the alcoholic is still at high risk of being a victim of a criminal activity.

Oh shut it judgy

How is this relevant?

That's right, blame the man. Women are never, ever responsible for their own actions on this site.

I agree!
It doesn't sound plausible that OP is so devastated re her one night stand, when she's had an unresolved drink problem for years that clearly hasn't caused her much concern as she's continued to go out drinking!
Oh wait, it caused her concern enough to go to AA meetings. How confusing!

Also, if the OP is genuine, then surely she'd actually be feeling relieved that her 'indiscretion' has finally made her come to her senses and given her the ability to totally give up the alcohol (in turn her husband is trying to get fitter too.

You'd think she'd be more happier about stopping the alcohol than 'devastated' by something her dh doesn't even know of.

Nothing rings true here.

You are lying to yourself OP

you say you only worry about your DPs weight for health reason (but also you mention it in the same sentence as why you want to sleep with a fit young guy instead)

you also seem to blame your DH’s obesity for your drinking?!

you are also by taking any responsibility for your own drink problem, other people are responsible (your friend for leaving you, your DH for being fat, they guy for buying you shots…)

you are full of excuses and lies

time to take ownership of your own behaviour and choices 💪🙂

These are all really important questions!

I generally do not black out, but I generally do not drink that much. Protection was used as far as I can remember. I do recall being in the elevator as it was moving up fast, but don't remember how I got there from the bar. I remember some flashes from the hotel room as we were having sex.

Don't tell him. It will only serve to blow your life up. You won't even feel better for it, the guilt will still be there, and the only thing you will have done is hurt him, and your daughter too.

I'd start going to counselling and work on the guilt that way.