I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

I do understand that but at the same time it does also stem from your behaviour- just being in a bar as a single woman (or with other women.)

It's not just being in a bar, it's being seen to drink a lot, be loud, attracting attention by being loud.

Same as happened on your hols.

And I think that deep down to enjoy the attention because is affirms your attractiveness, which is what's missing in your marriage (as you don't find your H attractive now.)

A woman on her own, blind drunk in a bar at 9pm - that's a very vulnerable position and the OP's friend should never have left her there.

A predatory man recognised the OP's obvious problem with alcohol and exploited it by forcing 5 shots on her in a short space of time. After which there is no way she could consent to anything that happened between them.

After which there is no way she could consent to anything that happened between them.

She was with him ALL night. At some point she was consenting as they had sex many times. And she did go willingly back to his room.

Don't start blaming the friend! The only person to blame for getting drunk (in this case) is the person who got drunk.

Thanks for your response and perspective!

100% do not tell him. You are using the guilt/shame in a productive way if you have stopped drinking. Tell him it's for health reasons and keep on with it. (I am an ex-"good time girl" who has also given up drinking in middle age, it has much to recommend it!).

You consented to kissing .you know consent can change at any time . You can say no at any time .

I don’t think I would.

First go to the clinic and check you haven’t picked anything. Don’t have sex with your husband in this time. I would use this time to really think about how to tell him what you’ve done.. I think the truth always comes out in the end, so it’s best to be honest and let him choose what to do. It’s his choice to make. Also your friend knows and she might tell someone else and it could get back to your husband. It might actually encourage him to make some changes - not that I’m saying him becoming obese is any excuse for your behaviour! It could spur him on though to get healthier for himself.

You're miserable and unhappy, OP . You said at one point that you want to tell your DH due to guilt . This won't alleviate any guilt you feel , it will make it worse because he will also be unhappy and miserable. I think it would be selfish of you to tell him . Please keep it to yourself , and hope that your friend does too .

I think the point is that friend can't have understood the full extent of the OP's issues around alcohol, or she would have tried to stop the OP from going to a bar, let alone drinking in one. The OP needs to honest about her alcohol issues to those closest to her, so they can help her fight this.

This is no different to a male leaving his drunk male friend in the bar. If a woman begun flirting with him and suggested going back to her hotel, it would be exactly the same.

Do not tell him. Forget about it.

OP, please listen to the people who are concerned about consent!

You said you only remember flashes of the night, and that you were with him all night. If you were so drunk you only remember parts of the night, that is highly suspect, and it’s possible you were given way more alcohol than you realize. Or, it’s possible he drugged you. Did you feel ill the day after?

Another non sensical answer from you OP!

If you've had issues with alcohol (and have labelled yourself an alcoholic) since you were a teenager, so at least 30 odd years ago, why do you put yourself in the position to drink by going on nights out where others are drinking?

You could change jobs, and do away with the social nights out if drink is such a problem for you as you say it is.

Everything sounds so contradictory in your posts, and I imagine this thread will be pulled by later on today

This. Consent can change at any time.

And consent can't be given if you are incapacitated - whether from alcohol, drugs or something else.

I'm unclear whether the OP was able to consent when she started kissing this guy, but if she can't remember the full encounter, it certainly doesn't sound like she had enough capacity to consent to when things went further.

Oops

Oh you did this because your husband is out of shape? Right...

The book you need is The State of Affairs. Esther Perel is very clear eyed on not telling in this circumstance. She’s a leading couple’s therapist so I’d read her wisdom calmly before blowing up your lives.

I also think you need to consider the impact on your daughter. The downsides of offloading guilt feel much more damaging than never repeating the behaviour and recommitment to your marriage.

You aren’t really in a position to judge your DH’s health issues when you have a drink problem yourself. I would continue with the not drinking and stick to it. Don’t lapse in 3months time because the guilt fades. Your husband deserves better than that and you clearly lose control when you drink. Telling him will probably destroy your marriage and upset your DH and your DD so I think you will just have to live with the guilt and not tell him.

Yes, on day 4 we basically stayed in our room all day and I was in my bed almost the entire time.

While drunk off her butt? Consent is very, very blurry when you’re so wildly drunk. Only OP can tell us if she consented, but if she was so drunk she can hardly remember the night, there’s no way she was fit to give her consent.

You want to tell him because you ‘need’ him to forgive you. I would suggest some counselling for yourself before you do say anything.

Because that is what alcoholics do, and I have been an alcoholic all my life. Any excuse to go to a bar and get a drink was a valid reason for me. That is what I am trying to change and have successfully done for 4 months now.

What were your symptoms?