I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

You need to tell him. You’ve said yourself you can’t 100% trust your friend and if she doesn’t tell your husband she might tell someone who tells someone who tells your husband. I would get on top of it because it’s better coming from you than someone else.

Just move on. From my point of view it isn't a big deal, a lot of people think it is, but I personally think it's human nature to cheat.
Some others will disagree.
If my fella had a one night stand, I'd be fine with it

I’d be concerned if it sounded like a man was drugged too? Matter fact, I am a man. I ended up here because I was looking for information about people’s experiences with Prozac.

Isn’t the husband going to find it odd that the OP suddenly wants relationship counselling? How will she be open about the reason for it, especially if it’s joint sessions. Basically, it’s pointless unless she fesses up to what’s she done and lives with the consequences of her disgusting behaviour.

If this is all true then you should tell your husband. He has a right to know and decide what measures he needs to take to protect his child from his alcoholic wife as well as whether he wants to continue to be with you.

Your priorities so far seem to have been you, then your husband but not a thought for your child.

I take full responsibility, always have in the posts.

Just another post to echo ‘please don’t tell’ you will absolutely destroy him and your relationship.

Even if he does stay, you are giving him that huge burden to carry that his wife who he loves, slept with another man. He doesn’t deserve that burden and trust me that thought will be there in his head every single day of his life, even if he forgives you.

If you truly love him and want to stay with him keep your mouth firmly shut and be the best wife you can be, help him to get fit, start a new activity together and throw your heart and soul into your marriage, but do not tell him, you will truly regret it if you do.

Sorry I feel that you’re telling him because you feel guilty and want to get it off your chest, not because of his feelings but because of yours. That’s a really selfish thing to do. If it’s a genuine mistake that will never happen again then leave it and accept living with the guilt is your very fair consequence and punishment. It’s a long time ago now and if it has shocked you properly into never drinking so much that you make such poor decisions that is at least one good outcome here. If you do decide to tell him then leave out the sordid detail and say you made a drunken mistake that you can’t really recall but it’s shocked you into being more sensible. Accept though he may leave you or never trust you again so in effect it’s not the act but the telling him that is likely going to throw the real grenade into this situation. If you secretly want that to happen as you don’t really love him then do the right thing and split up, but you don’t need to add this pain on top of that.

No. The op needs to take responsibility for her actions. She made a mistake but she is human. Please stop trying to indicate that she a victim of rape. Drunken sex is not rape ffs

I actually don’t think that is what people would be saying actually. I think most people would be saying take a step back and don’t do anything rash. The getting the ducks in a row related to situations of lengthy affairs or other long term calculated betrayals. 3 mins of betrayal whilst drunk does not fall into the same camp by a long shot. The OP clearly has much bigger issues than this in her marriage as she clearly has a drink issue which she is resolving. There is no right or wrong answer as to whether she tells her husband. Just a sad situation either way.

Bet the "Ken" had a right laugh about it with his mates.
It does not matter in the slightest how hot he was (although if you were that drunk I assume it could've been Greg Wallace and you wouldn't have noticed or cared.)

Where did you get 3 minutes from, it was multiple times all night according to the OP?

Ok a sum total of 18 mins then! That better?

Who bloody cares if the men ‘set out to cheat’.

1. We only have the OPs word that she didn’t set out to cheat.
2. She had plenty of opportunities to stop
3. Most importantly, she did sleep with him.

How did you feel during that night? It’s crazy to me that you can’t remember how you got to the elevator. I’ve drank a lot, but the only time I’ve ever gotten “blackout drunk” is when I drank and took a medication that compounded the effects of alcohol. In these instances, it’s as you describe: I don’t remember how I got from one place to another, I remember some bits and pieces but not everything.

Are you on any medication OP? This is another very important question. Did you take anything you don’t usually take?

Men hit on women when they are at bars, and I travel a lot for work, AND I was an alcoholic all my life, so I was always looking for an excuse to get a drink. It was fairly common for a couple of us women to meet up at hotel bar where we stayed and have a few drinks or a night cap. So yes, we would get hit on all the time at hotel bars, sometimes by good looking guys. I am by no means hot and think of myself very average.

Again, where did you get 3 minutes from?

That’s just crap and I feel sorry for your husband and daughter. You did have control, you could have gone back with your sensible friend.

I take full responsibility in all my responses. I never said friend was at fault for leaving, never said I drank because attractiveness issues to my husband. Yes, I had health concerns for him, and I know I was not helping myself or him with my alcoholism either.

You absolutely must tell him OP. If you hadn’t told your friend I would have been in the ‘don’t hurt him to ease your own guilt’ camp. However, it might come out in several years’ time, - which would then be unforgivable.

It is good you are having some individual sessions of therapy first to try to help you understand why you were in this self-destruct mode - and to prepare yourself for ‘confessing’.

Don’t just blurt it out - sit down and talk properly without your child being in the house. Don’t drip feed him to try to save him (and yourself) from excruciating details. He needs to know he has the full truth to make a decision. He may storm out initially or move into your other home - but in time your actions will hopefully make him see that you will do anything to save your marriage.

Think how you would feel/act if the situation were reversed. Hopefully you would give him another chance (but only one).

OP please don’t bother responding to the people who are clearly not reading what you’re saying. Some people here just want to castigate you, but it’s more important to figure out whether you were taken advantage of before you figure out how to tell your husband, if you do.

The worst thing you have done is to ask advice on here. There can be some very nasty people on here who sit waiting for threads like this. They hide behind their screens and enjoy putting people down. It is usually to make them feel better about issues thet have going on in their own lives.

You have been totally honest with yourself and admitted what you did was wrong. I don’t think you should tell your husband, Instead focus your time and energy on building back up your relationship with your husband.

Best thing you can do is stop giving people the opportunity to put you down on here it will only make you feel so much worse about yourself. Request your thread to be deleted and concentrate on your family life.

Wishing you all the best and hope you can get through this. Always remember we all make mistakes , it is how we learn going forward.

A nonsensical comment from you. Do you know anything about addiction?

OP can you please answer why you're not mentioning anything about the fact you must be relieved that you've suddenly after all these years managed to stop drinking?

Why should some of us sceptical posters believe you're for real when nothing sounds plausible?

I wonder if you'll just ignore this post.

Absolutely! Gross