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Original poster

Man I'm dating accused of sexual abuse

132 replies

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:11

Should I carry on seeing him? I pretty sure I know the answer is no :-(

We've had about 6 dates, all have been lovely. He's a gentleman, funny, asks me questions, is interested, good career, attractive, similar backgrounds and interests. I hardly ever meet people I like (not been trying loooads, but keep an eye out and have done a bit of app dating over last few years). I fell for this one hard, felt fully in love for the first few weeks (didn't tell him of course!) been talking every day.

But... Gradually it has emerged that he is in a custody battle for his kids (the situation has escalated very fast since I met him a couple of months ago, solicitors getting involved, court etc). The ex has started making accusations, inappropriate behaviour towards his daughter, abuse towards her. He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

I want it not to be true. But think it's getting to the point where I can't justify the risk, as I have a son myself. Plus he's dragging me into it by telling me all about it and I just don't feel able to support him through it, it's a lot for someone you just met! I think he's leaning on me too much.

Soo annoying though, was really excited about this one and loving spending time with him.

OP posts:
NewDogOwner · 14/07/2025 17:12

Even if this is all untrue, your life will be a nightmare being entangled with this. Consider throwing this one back.

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/07/2025 17:13

Chuck him back.

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:14

Has anyone been in a similar position?

Am I right to be cautious, it feels like such a shame but my gut is really telling me now that this is not a good thing to continue. But then I am over anxious sometimes. Also I caught him flicking through my diary on our 5th date - he popped over before we headed out! I was cross, but luckily it was one I hadn't written anything in so sort of just let it go. It's not a good sign is it..

OP posts:
Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:15

Are all the good men taken 😭

OP posts:
Comedycook · 14/07/2025 17:16

No I wouldn't see him again that's regardless of how long I'd been seeing him. But six dates...just walk away now. Don't invest anymore time. There's plenty of men around FFS.

RentalWoesNotFun · 14/07/2025 17:17

I’d dump on the basis of the diary alone tbh. Sigh. Sorry OP

Strawber · 14/07/2025 17:17

No it’s not a shame you’ve been given the gift of getting out of this now. Put your son first, or social services will be involved with you also due to these allegations and you having a child.

TheRedGoose · 14/07/2025 17:17

You already know you need to finish with him.
You have only had 6 dates. He has been accused of abusing his wife and abusing his child. You also caught him snooping through your diary, totally inappropriate behaviour.

What you are seeing as transparency, is also what some abusers do. Look I am being totally honest with you, so I must be innocent.

You know yourself you can not put your son at risk by getting more involved with this man.

stichguru · 14/07/2025 17:17

RUN - don't get tangled up in all this, he isn't worth it.

BrentfordForever · 14/07/2025 17:19

The diary thing would just put me off so much

even if like him that is just so off putting …
run …..

Arlanymor · 14/07/2025 17:19

I'd be a bit worried about myself if I thought I was in love with only half a dozen dates under my belt - it's no time at all and certainly not long enough to know a person. If he's as great as you say then I would say to him you need to break it off and tell him that you might consider dating again AFTER the custody stuff (and presumably the accusations) are settled one way or another. He should understand, why would a 'lovely gentleman' want to drag you through this? To be honest he shouldn't be dating at all with all of this hanging over his head. I don't mean to be brutal but for your safety I think you need some home truths.

Arlanymor · 14/07/2025 17:20

And he invades your privacy? Just saw the update. That's horrible. He is not lovely. Not in the slightest.

workshy46 · 14/07/2025 17:20

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:15

Are all the good men taken 😭

Doesn't mean you should then lower your standards to rock bottom.. a child and wife abuser ?? You love him after 6 dates.. seriously you have a child.. grow up .. how desperate are you. Men can smell it a mile off so its likely to be that rather than the lack of good ones out there that's making things difficult. How you could even see him again after his reading of your diary... I mean that is seriously batshit behavior. I despair.. yet another desperate women willing to take literally anything in the name of having a man

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:21

Arlanymor · 14/07/2025 17:19

I'd be a bit worried about myself if I thought I was in love with only half a dozen dates under my belt - it's no time at all and certainly not long enough to know a person. If he's as great as you say then I would say to him you need to break it off and tell him that you might consider dating again AFTER the custody stuff (and presumably the accusations) are settled one way or another. He should understand, why would a 'lovely gentleman' want to drag you through this? To be honest he shouldn't be dating at all with all of this hanging over his head. I don't mean to be brutal but for your safety I think you need some home truths.

Edited

It was a crush / lust, you're right love is the wrong word. I think he might be thinking the same about dating while it's all happening.

OP posts:
Sunflowersinthesummer · 14/07/2025 17:24

Comedycook · 14/07/2025 17:16

No I wouldn't see him again that's regardless of how long I'd been seeing him. But six dates...just walk away now. Don't invest anymore time. There's plenty of men around FFS.

This - for gods sake have a standard.

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:27

The thing is the way it's all come out has been quite gradual, I know I need to walk away and it's become clear this weekend. They are clever the way they make it all seem innocent and like the crazy ex is making it up.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 14/07/2025 17:28

@FreesiaFairy I was also going to say even if it’s not true you will have a life of hell if it is “just a crazy ex”
however …. He read your diary this one has no respect for privacy and likes over stepping boundaries . Sexual assaults/rapes in relationships are usually the final act of control and not really about sex.

Sounds like you have met a controling man .
I think of you stay you will regret it.

TheMaskedAvenger · 14/07/2025 17:31

@FreesiaFairy

He shouldn't be dating right now if he's being investigated by the police for child sex abuse, especially not a woman with children.

Often abusers use the sympathy play to get closer to single parents and try to normalise the situation by presenting themselves as the victims of malicious accusations.

A decent man wouldn't put you in this situation.

You have a responsibility to your son to end this now before social services come knocking at your door.

GetADogUpYa · 14/07/2025 17:32

Run. Hes trying to sway you by being upfront. It could be untrue, but coud also BE true. Can you imagine him having his daughter EOW, and you becoming the 'Watcher over Her' in leiu of her mother not being there?

OchreRaven · 14/07/2025 17:34

Like others have said, he needs to be single while he’s going through this regardless of whether he is innocent or not. He’s either a sexual predator or he’s going through a very toxic divorce. That is not a place to start a solid relationship and it’s already putting a strain on you. It will only get worse.

WondererWanderer · 14/07/2025 17:40

He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

Right now you should be excited and getting to know each other.And learning about each other. New relationships are exciting or they should be.

Instead of getting to know you he's trauma dumping from his last relationship and you're getting caught up in this.

End it. At worst he's an abuser , at best he is not ready for a relationship and can't concentrate on you.

Find someone else.

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:44

So true, yes even if the accusations aren't true, the split is very toxic,I can't see how they will co-parent at all.

OP posts:
JustMyView13 · 14/07/2025 17:45

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:15

Are all the good men taken 😭

Doesn’t mean to say you have to settle with this.
Honestly, leave now. Especially as you have a child. It’s 6 dates, not 6 years. And even at 6 years I’d say the same.

He’s showing you the best version of himself on dates. But ask yourself, if he’s that great of a guy, why can’t he amicably manage a childcare arrangement with his ex without police involvement and accusations of whatever?
And if your answer is because he told you she’s crazy, then I have some news for you..

Blibbleflibble · 14/07/2025 17:45

OP, as gently as possible, I don't think young girls just make up SA allegations about their fathers. Xx

Throw this one back, on top of the fact he could be incredibly unsafe around your child, he's already violated your trust by trying to go through your diary. Seriously don't risk it.

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:48

WondererWanderer · 14/07/2025 17:40

He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

Right now you should be excited and getting to know each other.And learning about each other. New relationships are exciting or they should be.

Instead of getting to know you he's trauma dumping from his last relationship and you're getting caught up in this.

End it. At worst he's an abuser , at best he is not ready for a relationship and can't concentrate on you.

Find someone else.

Yes you're right, and for the first 3 or 4 weeks it was exactly that, asking each other loads of questions, excited to get to know each other, flirting, it was really fun. I almost never meet someone I want to speak to that much, or who I'm so attracted to! I got so swept up in it and thought he was amazing.

OP posts:
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