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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man I'm dating accused of sexual abuse

132 replies

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:11

Should I carry on seeing him? I pretty sure I know the answer is no :-(

We've had about 6 dates, all have been lovely. He's a gentleman, funny, asks me questions, is interested, good career, attractive, similar backgrounds and interests. I hardly ever meet people I like (not been trying loooads, but keep an eye out and have done a bit of app dating over last few years). I fell for this one hard, felt fully in love for the first few weeks (didn't tell him of course!) been talking every day.

But... Gradually it has emerged that he is in a custody battle for his kids (the situation has escalated very fast since I met him a couple of months ago, solicitors getting involved, court etc). The ex has started making accusations, inappropriate behaviour towards his daughter, abuse towards her. He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

I want it not to be true. But think it's getting to the point where I can't justify the risk, as I have a son myself. Plus he's dragging me into it by telling me all about it and I just don't feel able to support him through it, it's a lot for someone you just met! I think he's leaning on me too much.

Soo annoying though, was really excited about this one and loving spending time with him.

OP posts:
Biomic · 14/07/2025 18:21

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:52

I'm definitely going to end it. On the SA allegation, he's saying he was just trying to make her feel better as she had a stomach ache and he was blowing on her tummy as it was hot / kissing her leg etc... but the more I think about it surely it made her feel uncomfortable at the very least otherwise why would she even have mentioned it to her mum. He obviously has issues around consent and boundaries.

That is denial, minimisation and justification, fairly typical of sexual abusers. It is clear that you need to break it off with him. You need to prioritise yourself and your child.

Richiewoo · 14/07/2025 18:22

Run a mile. Too many red flags.

ElectoralControversy · 14/07/2025 18:24

He told me at first that he had bought her out, but gradually the full picture has emerged

So... you already caught him out in a lie?

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 18:32

ElectoralControversy · 14/07/2025 18:24

He told me at first that he had bought her out, but gradually the full picture has emerged

So... you already caught him out in a lie?

He told the truth after 2nd date, i probably should have ended it then.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 14/07/2025 18:43

He wants someone to lean on whilst the split is finalised and an ego boost.
The allegations are not something you can ignore as you have a child yourself.
He has been caught out on a lie already.
You caught him flicking through your diary.
You need to end it.
I would text him and say that, you don’t feel that he is right for you, you feel it’s best to not see him again. Then block him!

ThisPithyJoker · 14/07/2025 18:49

OP your had some really good advice here that I urge you to heed. Nothing extra to add but as others have pointed out:

  1. The diary thing suggests a dubious approach to boundaries at est. Probably a controlling nature.
  1. If you feel like it's lovely after six dates that smacks of being love bombed/charmed not necessarily a deep connection.
  1. It very early for him to be garnering support/sympathy about this.
  1. The obvious. Social services involvement a minimum - terrible avoidable risk and worst.
mumuseli · 14/07/2025 18:55

OP, I think you should pay heed to the red flags (finding out he had lied about buying her out, looking through your diary). I once met someone who I got on fantastically well with – almost too good to be true… but then little red flags started to show, little lies he told, and then eventually I found out he was a complete fantasist/psychopath.
Of course your guy may be innocent of the S.A, but maybe not… Overall, I think you’re feeling the warning bell and need to get out. x

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 18:55

I've done it.

Yeh I think I was charmed,I fell for it! But still feel a bit bad for ending it how dumb is that for some reason feel some kind of obligation to this person I've only known for a couple of months. But there was no other option.

I can see how people end up in shit situations.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 14/07/2025 18:56

Hea already displaying A LOT of red flags op.

Abusers often over share early on to get you to feel like they trust you. So that you trust them in return. And to basically breed over familiarity

Abusers also often tell you of past abuse. Sometimes in a 'my ex says I was abusive' kind of way. To see if you'll go 'oh no you're not like that's etc...and buy that their ex is crazy.

Even the talking every day would make me uncomfortable though tbh. I guess some people do it but it would make me feel smothered. Be wary of love bombers.

Too many red flags.
Even the having a lot in common thing could just be narcissistic mirroring. Him telling you what you want to hear.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 14/07/2025 18:58

What you've said about him being a gentleman etc, the men I've met who abused their families have all been absolutely charming men. So much so you would struggle to believe it if you hadn't seen the wife with a massive black eye and covered in bruises. Run away now. You'll look back and realise the lucky escape you've had when you meet someone lovely without all the drama surrounding them.

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/07/2025 19:00

Glad you ended it. He sounds awful.

CurlewKate · 14/07/2025 19:00

Honestly? It doesn’t actually matter whether it’s true or not. You absolutely don’t want to be part of the shit show that is his life. And it doesn’t matter how much you try not to-you will get involved.

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 19:04

I can see how people get into these situations. Especially when vulnerable. It felt nice to be paid attention to, looked after, taken out, cuddled, and I fancied him too (quite rare for me!). Thanks for the advice everyone, feel relieved to have ended it.

OP posts:
Loki64 · 14/07/2025 19:07

Dont do it.
A family member of mine got accused of sexual assault on a child. We all believed him and couldn't imagine that would ever happen. Ten years later he got accused by another child and it was all true.
Its not a risk to take. Plus you dont want social services knocking on your door if your son were to be around him.

arcticpandas · 14/07/2025 19:08

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:27

The thing is the way it's all come out has been quite gradual, I know I need to walk away and it's become clear this weekend. They are clever the way they make it all seem innocent and like the crazy ex is making it up.

But you saw him flicking through your diary! So you know for a fact that he doesn't understand boundaries. Also, I think he's sly: telling you about all this so you will buy his version. The "best" men from the start are often good actors who mirror you and say what you want to hear. Throw this one back in the pond before you get too involved.

arcticpandas · 14/07/2025 19:09

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 18:55

I've done it.

Yeh I think I was charmed,I fell for it! But still feel a bit bad for ending it how dumb is that for some reason feel some kind of obligation to this person I've only known for a couple of months. But there was no other option.

I can see how people end up in shit situations.

Sorry, just seen your update. Well done. You just dodged a bullet!!!

Sodthesystem · 14/07/2025 19:10

You always know it was a good choice when you feel relieved when it's done.

putthekettleonn · 14/07/2025 19:12

My ex, who was a rapist with no boundaries, did similar things repeatedly to other women. He went on POF and routinely went for vulnerable women (he was conventionally attractive and went for women who were older, overweight, low confidence, previously cheated on and single mothers). He spun them tales to get them onto his side as he was taken to court for being a woman and child abuser. It's sickening. I'm glad you got away after seeing him 6 times, if something similar happens again, leave straight away. The longer you wait the harder it'll be.

DorothyStorm · 14/07/2025 19:13

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 19:04

I can see how people get into these situations. Especially when vulnerable. It felt nice to be paid attention to, looked after, taken out, cuddled, and I fancied him too (quite rare for me!). Thanks for the advice everyone, feel relieved to have ended it.

Just for future reference, over sharing is also a massive red flag.

He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency.

Ap42 · 14/07/2025 19:30

Please run from this situation!
My ex physically abused our son. He was questioned by police and social services. There's no smoke without fire. I stopped him from seeing both of our children and forced him to take me to court for access. He eventually admitted what he had done in family court, but under the condition I could not tell anyone or push for police charges against him! So he basically got away with it. He's now in a relationship with another woman who has a child. I can imagine the lies and stories he has told her to excuse his behaviour. If he has you hooked after only 6 dates its highly likely he is love bombing you, and his true narsasitic self will come to light in the not too distant future.

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2025 19:40

That your first thought wasn't never see this guy again means your have poor boundaries and are choosing poorly. You have a child. Your job is to protect him.

Being investigated for CSA means he should not be around kids. He should not be dating a woman with a child. You were thinking love after 6 dates.

Block his number and consider therapy. You still have work to do.

Louisa58 · 14/07/2025 19:48

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 19:04

I can see how people get into these situations. Especially when vulnerable. It felt nice to be paid attention to, looked after, taken out, cuddled, and I fancied him too (quite rare for me!). Thanks for the advice everyone, feel relieved to have ended it.

Take care. Ending a relationship is never easy but when there are red flags it’s best to act on your gut to protect yourself down the line. It’s usually the right thing to do. He wasn’t your ‘one’. There’s a lovely man out there somewhere for you. Keep the faith ! xx

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 19:56

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2025 19:40

That your first thought wasn't never see this guy again means your have poor boundaries and are choosing poorly. You have a child. Your job is to protect him.

Being investigated for CSA means he should not be around kids. He should not be dating a woman with a child. You were thinking love after 6 dates.

Block his number and consider therapy. You still have work to do.

As I said, it came out gradually. Also I said up thread it was lust / a crush, love was the wrong word

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 14/07/2025 20:01

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:14

Has anyone been in a similar position?

Am I right to be cautious, it feels like such a shame but my gut is really telling me now that this is not a good thing to continue. But then I am over anxious sometimes. Also I caught him flicking through my diary on our 5th date - he popped over before we headed out! I was cross, but luckily it was one I hadn't written anything in so sort of just let it go. It's not a good sign is it..

Fuck that, that’s proper creepo behaviour. I’d always be inclined to be wary of men dissing their ex - and this is just another level.

Please put your son first. Dump this one - and make sure you’re safe doing so, he doesn’t have a key or anything does he?

Don’t fall in love so quickly next time (I think that it’s a bit worrying you thought you fell in love and maybe that’s worth looking into as well - are you so desperate to be with someone you’ll miss red flags?)

anytipswelcome · 14/07/2025 20:03

I do wonder whether it’s worth having a few counselling sessions just to explore why it wasn’t an instant “fuck no, I’m ending this immediately” when you heard about these allegations.

I think if you had robust boundaries and were making decisions with safeguarding your child at the absolute forefront of your mind then that would have been your response, but you were unsure and felt you might have been overreacting. Which to me means you may be at risk of making poor judgements about men in future, ignoring warning signs etc.

Might be worth just having a few sessions to explore and help strengthen your confidence in your boundaries? For your son’s sake as much as yours.

Really pleased you won’t be seeing this guy again.

Out of interest did you mention to him you saw him looking at your diary at the time? Or did you pretend not to notice and carry on as normal? Talking through that example with a counsellor could be helpful in exploring your thought process.