Man I'm dating accused of sexual abuse

[FreesiaFairy]

Should I carry on seeing him? I pretty sure I know the answer is no :-(

We've had about 6 dates, all have been lovely. He's a gentleman, funny, asks me questions, is interested, good career, attractive, similar backgrounds and interests. I hardly ever meet people I like (not been trying loooads, but keep an eye out and have done a bit of app dating over last few years). I fell for this one hard, felt fully in love for the first few weeks (didn't tell him of course!) been talking every day.

But... Gradually it has emerged that he is in a custody battle for his kids (the situation has escalated very fast since I met him a couple of months ago, solicitors getting involved, court etc). The ex has started making accusations, inappropriate behaviour towards his daughter, abuse towards her. He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

I want it not to be true. But think it's getting to the point where I can't justify the risk, as I have a son myself. Plus he's dragging me into it by telling me all about it and I just don't feel able to support him through it, it's a lot for someone you just met! I think he's leaning on me too much.

Soo annoying though, was really excited about this one and loving spending time with him.

No that is not how it works wrong ‘uns are attracted to you and your qualities as a person and you don’t have the experience to see their darker side due to your own life experiences.

A lot of women particularly are socialised out of having decent boundaries. Remember it is often those scum bag types who hold power in society (see Donald Trump and his ilk).

Learn about toxic and abusive behaviour and the red flags for it before you date and it will help you enormously.

Nativity is preyed upon by the abusers amongst us.

It isn’t victim blaming - I’m not saying he hasn’t done anything wrong. He is clearly toxic and I said so. What I’m pointing out to her is that she is CLEARLY not recognising how mad it is to try to justify this and how mad it is to say you’re in love with someone within 6 weeks and to say she thinks all the good men are taken - well no…she is clearly vulnerable and attracted to/attracting toxic men because if she WASN’T she wouldn’t have accepted any of this. She wouldn’t have stayed when she found out he was accused of sexually abusing his daughter ffs. She would have seen ALLLLL the red flags 🚩 and would’ve run a mile. That’s not victim blaming. I’m sure he’s a right charmer and trust me, I’ve been taken in to…why? Because I was fucking vulnerable and therefore didn’t see/ignored all the red flags too!

claiming all the good men are taken is literally justifying being with this man. This is NOT true. This is not the case. She’s just spending her time with a terrible one. If you don’t meet a nice man, don’t just go with the one who is accused of assaulting his daughter!

she needs this point hammered home because obviously she’s not addressed her issues and is accepting this man’s behaviour and there’s a little boy involved so I’d rather tell the truth than just tiptoe around blaming it all on him and saying she’s fine. She’s not. She is a victim of probably more than this man (I don’t know her backstory but I do know a well adjusted and supported person doesn’t go out with men like this) and hasn’t got her head on straight.

Few things not right about this

1. I clarified in the thread it wasn't love it was a crush / lust, I used the wrong word

1. I wasn't clear 'are all the good men taken' was a question, not a statement

1. I only went on one more date with him after there was any mention of SA accusations and they were very vague at that point, I didn't 'stay with him' we were never an official/serious item

You don’t need a million excuses to end it with him. You just say,

”I’m really sorry but given the information about the accusations against you and all of the drama you’re going through with your kids and ex, I don’t think this is the time for you to be in a relationship. As much as I’ve had a nice time with you I need to prioritise my child and their wellbeing.”

Dealing with ex’s, kids and long drawn out court battles is absolutely draining and so so stressful. This should only be something you’d go through with someone who you know is 100% worth it and is going to be your life partner. Not someone you’ve dated for a few weeks.

She's ended it. Did you read the thread?

So it was a Freudian slip? It’s not really easy to ‘accidentally’ say you love someone. And you were pretty insistent he was amazing and wonderful etc

You didn’t make a statement but you did ask whether all the good men are taken - it’s a very serious allegation this man has against his name and this is the type of comment you make when you find out someone cheated on you in the first 6 weeks or that they have a weird but harmless fetish or something…

you “only” went on one more date after you found out he may or may not have sexually assaulted a child? ok…

there was probably another one but I can’t remember and don’t really see why you’re nitpicking these little things rather than addressing the point of my post but whatever - look to me, your reaction is not that of a person who has a healthy relationship with men and, as this is a public forum where you ASKED for opinions, I thought I’d give mine.but I assumed you were just like many of us with a touch of the low self esteem… Of course may you’re just the type of person who will justify disgusting behaviour if you fancy the person, I don’t know.