Man I'm dating accused of sexual abuse

[FreesiaFairy]

Should I carry on seeing him? I pretty sure I know the answer is no :-(

We've had about 6 dates, all have been lovely. He's a gentleman, funny, asks me questions, is interested, good career, attractive, similar backgrounds and interests. I hardly ever meet people I like (not been trying loooads, but keep an eye out and have done a bit of app dating over last few years). I fell for this one hard, felt fully in love for the first few weeks (didn't tell him of course!) been talking every day.

But... Gradually it has emerged that he is in a custody battle for his kids (the situation has escalated very fast since I met him a couple of months ago, solicitors getting involved, court etc). The ex has started making accusations, inappropriate behaviour towards his daughter, abuse towards her. He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

I want it not to be true. But think it's getting to the point where I can't justify the risk, as I have a son myself. Plus he's dragging me into it by telling me all about it and I just don't feel able to support him through it, it's a lot for someone you just met! I think he's leaning on me too much.

Soo annoying though, was really excited about this one and loving spending time with him.

To be honest if you're questioning whether you should be dating him or not, you probably shouldn't be dating at all.

Is his separation fairly recent?

I would recommend steering very clear of recently separated nowhere near divorced men - you’ll almost always be their rebound/unpaid therapist. And that’s without the allegations in this case

I'm definitely going to end it. On the SA allegation, he's saying he was just trying to make her feel better as she had a stomach ache and he was blowing on her tummy as it was hot / kissing her leg etc... but the more I think about it surely it made her feel uncomfortable at the very least otherwise why would she even have mentioned it to her mum. He obviously has issues around consent and boundaries.

A year ago, but they still have the house and until recently were sharing it some of the time. She has been seeing someone else since they split. He told me at first that he had bought her out, but gradually the full picture has emerged:-(

@FreesiaFairy

I don't wish to be be unkind but you're acting like a teenager in your thinking when the man has literally told you he's being investigated by the police for child sex offences!

I think you need to give your head a wobble and stop being all starry eyed about how great its been and think about how bad the situation is that its got to this point.

At no point have you expressed any concern for his poor DD in all this and what she must be going through.

Definitely starting to feel like an unpaid therapist!!

Run - honestly you can do better. Sounds like he shouldn’t be nosing through your stuff alone.

I know someone whose ex pulled a number of these games - he focused on sorting out his divorce, relationship with the children, closing down the many random allegations long long before he even thought about dating. He hated the fact that the allegations over him, he put his energy into his children and working to pay the solicitor fees. He never once referred to her as the crazy ex - we may have all thought it but he never called her it.

Honestly the last time I dated I was a teenager, was with someone for years, then single for 5 years since we split. Being with him has reminded me how fun it can be.

OP- you don’t know this man at all. You’ve been on six dates. You have a child that you must safeguard. Even if- best case scenario - you didn’t and none of the allegations are true it still wouldn’t be worth the headache and heartache of being with him whilst he fought them. You don’t know him. You don’t love him. You don’t owe him anything. There are many many more abusive people (I use this word deliberately because I don’t want to be accused of sexism- women are abusive too) in the world then so-called ‘crazy ex’s. You must prioritise your child first and foremost. And then you also need to protect yourself and your own physical and mental health. Personally, as someone who has experienced abuse and survived, I would end things, block him and draw a very firm line under the whole scenario. If he continued to attempt contact I would inform the police that you are worried about your family’s safety.

Post deleted.

Sorry I read quickly commuting home and thought you were a mum! But the above advice still stands. Safeguard yourself so you can one day have a family and find stability and happiness with someone who deserves you.

What's the general consensus as to how to end it, a text, ask for a phone call or just ghost / block

Look he may be a decent father who's being wrongly accused of abuse by his ex , who could be just trying to get sole custody in an acrimonious split, this happens, or, there may be some veracity in the accusations, which is scary tbh.

Regardless, he deserves his good name until he's been proven guilty imho., (and accusations from his ex wife who he's going through a break up with are not proof). So writing things like :
" They are clever the way they make it all seem innocent and like the crazy ex is making it up"

Is prejudicial & unfair in this scenario imho.

Look, regardless you don't appear to have your new bf's back in this & you don't want to support him, so leave him off.

He knows where you live so be gentle - “it’s me not you…”

If you are genuine OP and reading back I’m starting to think you are not (Daily Fail)… send a text saying you’re just not in a place to have a relationship (too much going on with family/work). Don’t wait for a reply, immediately block on your phone and any social media. If he gets in touch somehow after that, call the police.

He isn’t a boyfriend. He is a man she has met 6 times. I’ve met my postman more times than that in the last 2 months.

The decent thing is a phone call, but you know him better than us. If a text would be a better way then that's the way it has to be. I wouldn't just ghost as you need to be clear with him and not leave any space for ambiguity. After you've told him - via call or text - you are free to block and personally I would tell him that you will be doing that. Absolute clarity.

PS. Good luck, keep us posted, be strong, you are doing the right thing.

Well OP, there’s always death and divorce. At 30/40, people get divorced, and at 50/60 there’s the first round of deaths. Wise words from my mother, who met my step dad at 60.

In all seriousness, I do think you need to get rid of this man. In the case where it’s not true and his ex made it up - he has a very unstable ex who will probably at some point set her sights on terrorising you, and if it is true then he’s an awful person. I really hope it isn’t true for that poor little girls sake, but either way it’s a messy situation.

Dump him, get yourself a treat and have a good mope. Feeling sorry for yourself is good for you sometimes.

Why even risk it. He’s either a child predator or will have a turbulent relationship with his ex wife for how ever many years until his child is older. Either way not someone you want to expose your son to.

6 dates in and he’s going through your diary ? What the actual fuck . Even if these are false accusations (doubtful) this is already far too much too early .

I’m a chicken, so I’d send a text message. And I’ll be 100% honest, I’d get chat GPT to write it for me 🤣
I’d also suggest that no contact was the approach going forward.
I’d probably send & block on all platforms except message / phone call. But I wouldn’t entertain any back & forth on the matter. I’d block after 24hrs. I’d only not block immediately because from a safety perspective.. he has form.
At least if you put it in writing, given the current accusations, there is no space for your intentions to be misinterpreted.

Too much drama too even consider going forward.

Even the hint of abuse of any kind and I would be out, especially after only 6 dates. Protect yourself and your kid.

It was right next to him and he had a flick through, but yeh I also think it's not ok at all. And a complete violation of trust.

Just like the alleged violation of his daughter.

It sounds like he has no respect for anyone's boundaries.