Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man I'm dating accused of sexual abuse

132 replies

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:11

Should I carry on seeing him? I pretty sure I know the answer is no :-(

We've had about 6 dates, all have been lovely. He's a gentleman, funny, asks me questions, is interested, good career, attractive, similar backgrounds and interests. I hardly ever meet people I like (not been trying loooads, but keep an eye out and have done a bit of app dating over last few years). I fell for this one hard, felt fully in love for the first few weeks (didn't tell him of course!) been talking every day.

But... Gradually it has emerged that he is in a custody battle for his kids (the situation has escalated very fast since I met him a couple of months ago, solicitors getting involved, court etc). The ex has started making accusations, inappropriate behaviour towards his daughter, abuse towards her. He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

I want it not to be true. But think it's getting to the point where I can't justify the risk, as I have a son myself. Plus he's dragging me into it by telling me all about it and I just don't feel able to support him through it, it's a lot for someone you just met! I think he's leaning on me too much.

Soo annoying though, was really excited about this one and loving spending time with him.

OP posts:
Burntt · 14/07/2025 22:18

Not the same but my ex was undergoing investigation at work/police because he was accused of harassing his ex who worked at the same place. He was at risk of loosing his job. He told me she was mentally unwell and spiteful. I felt sorry for him as I just couldn’t see him acting that way it wasn’t at all the impression he was giving me. I dated him through that and the police investigation came back that he wasn’t being charged and nothing came of the work one so I ignorantly believed that meant he was innocent.

he was abusive to me and told me it was just stress I drove him to it then he’d be that nice man I originally met for a while so I believed him. He told me it was all me causing it because I was mentally ill. And I was mentally I’ll after months of that and being in the thick of it I didn’t realise he was the cause! when I left him he harassed me. By then I’d had his child so we had a court battle. I also went to the police who said not enough evidence to do anything. I lost the court battle and he got contact.

he got a new partner. And his abuse and harassment of me massively reduced while he was putting his effort into wooing her. She’s nice. She actually parents my kids and keeps them safe when with him. I was then a bit ‘difficult’ in the divorce as I was trying to keep the house I owned before we married (he was a leech and never paid anything while I support led us). Anyway he’d told his gf he paid for half the house I guess as I got a stern email from her telling me to just sign the papers I was vindictive for dragging this out trying to keep him from moving on.

ahes now got a child by him. He lives in the house she bought and works part time while she works a day job and evening job and parents my child and hers single handed. I suspect she is close to realising how he manipulated her too.

when she sent me that email I bluntly told her the truth about him being abusive and that I’m the third woman I know of to accuse him of this. That I was ensuring my finances and maybe she should worry about herself. She responded that she appreciated my concern but she had checked his history (I’m assuming Claire’s law?) and he was clear so she knows it was just a clash of personalities he isn’t an abusive man.

so I say you are right to be concerned. Personally I would never ever date someone with such accusations against them ever again. I don’t care if I miss out on a good guy due to this it’s not worth the risk. And even if this guy is innocent he’s got a nasty court battle to deal with and years of difficult co parenting.

also when I was going through court my ex made accusations against me. The absolute last thing on my mind was dating. Why the fuck is he dating you and not focusing on his kids?!

Devonshiregal · 14/07/2025 22:25

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:15

Are all the good men taken 😭

From the way your write, I can almost guarantee that it isn’t that all the good men are taken, it’s that you have terrible, terrible standards. It’ll surely be subconscious but you are pursuing toxic men. The fact you didn’t go running out of there as if you were ablaze at the mere mention of ‘possibly sexually assaulted his daughter’ is fucking insane. That you are trying to find ways to make yourself the one in the wrong, the one who is overreacting, is madness. And you say he’s telling you all about it and leaning on you too much? Well yeah! It’s been SIX WEEKS. And the fact you said you fell in love with him? SIX WEEKS!!! Goood lord!!

Gowlett · 14/07/2025 22:33

I don’t think a mother / daughter would go through this if it wasn’t true. But, who knows… My aunt & cousin went through hell with it. And my ex-uncle did it again with his new woman…

cc99xo · 14/07/2025 23:00

i could never, ever risk having someone around my child if they’d be accused of child SA. like ever. it’s awful if it’s untrue but you’ll never fully know and it’s just simply not worth the risk, particularly for a man you’ve had a few dates with

WondererWanderer · 14/07/2025 23:31

cc99xo · 14/07/2025 23:00

i could never, ever risk having someone around my child if they’d be accused of child SA. like ever. it’s awful if it’s untrue but you’ll never fully know and it’s just simply not worth the risk, particularly for a man you’ve had a few dates with

She already dumped him read the thread

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2025 23:33

Glad you've ended it.

Someone has already suggested the freedom programme and I second that. It would help you avoid this again and help you find that good man that you want.

I'd also suggest a hard boundary of no separated men. Separated men should be focused on settling their divorce before dating. And doing their own emotional labour to deal with their feelings or seeing a therapist. A separated man is automatically a red flag.

Devonshirerexx · 15/07/2025 00:03

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:14

Has anyone been in a similar position?

Am I right to be cautious, it feels like such a shame but my gut is really telling me now that this is not a good thing to continue. But then I am over anxious sometimes. Also I caught him flicking through my diary on our 5th date - he popped over before we headed out! I was cross, but luckily it was one I hadn't written anything in so sort of just let it go. It's not a good sign is it..

You need to do a claires law , I think you call 101 and ask , court battles in family court get nasty, he could be innocent, but why take the chance , you need to protect your baby.

JFDIYOLO · 15/07/2025 00:10

Well done.

He probably sought you out as a vulnerable woman with a child and proceded to love bomb you.

TiredAH · 15/07/2025 00:11

Run while you can

LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/07/2025 00:34

I’m so pleased you have ended this. I was reading your posts and thinking how vulnerable you sounded and how he was likely able to manipulate you in to believing his version of events with kindness and attention and the gradual drip feed of information. If the police are investigating it though it is serious and you shouldn’t doubt that it’s certainly possible that he is a sex offender. If that is the case it’s also possible that he targeted you to gain access to your child, as he may have a sexual interest in children of both genders. If he was targeting you then he was likely incredibly helpful, charming etc.
In terms of protecting yourself and your child moving forwards I’d highly recommend spending time on the nspcc, parents protect and Lucy faithfull foundation websites and completing the freedom programme.

CareerChange24 · 15/07/2025 00:59

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:52

I'm definitely going to end it. On the SA allegation, he's saying he was just trying to make her feel better as she had a stomach ache and he was blowing on her tummy as it was hot / kissing her leg etc... but the more I think about it surely it made her feel uncomfortable at the very least otherwise why would she even have mentioned it to her mum. He obviously has issues around consent and boundaries.

What in gods name have I just read. He was kissing her leg?!?! Seriously, and you are wondering whether you should continue to date him. You are an irresponsible parent. If a man admitted to that, that’s what he’s admitted to, so will have done something else, I would be so horrified if have called him out there and then. And your biggest concern is more dates.

BellissimoGecko · 15/07/2025 07:24

Whether or not he’s guilty, it’s too much and too messy. He’s not in a position to focus on a new relationship.

I’d end things.

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 15/07/2025 09:15

Basically his exes allegations/ solicitors letters have been getting gradually more serious and giving more information. Yes whether it's true or not it's far too much for me to deal with, and impossible for him to focus on a new relationship with it all going on.

OP posts:
TheMaskedAvenger · 15/07/2025 09:21

FreesiaFairy · 15/07/2025 09:15

Basically his exes allegations/ solicitors letters have been getting gradually more serious and giving more information. Yes whether it's true or not it's far too much for me to deal with, and impossible for him to focus on a new relationship with it all going on.

How did he react when you finished it @FreesiaFairy?

Redburnett · 15/07/2025 09:25

What makes this potentially worse is his ability to turn on the charm so you fell for him before he revealed his at best difficult situation with ex and DC. It will not be worth the effort even if the ex is not being honest.

NautilusLionfish · 15/07/2025 09:27

Gradually it has emerged

Why has it been all gradual. Why didn't he tell you outright about the custody etc. And him going through your diary smacks of a controlling man.
Trust me he is not the last man on earth with a penis. And his is not worth all this stress. Chuck him back

DaisyChain505 · 15/07/2025 09:34

Everyone can seem amazing and kind and great relationship material for the first few months. That is the time when people are putting their best foot forward and using a “mask” if you will.

It is only after 12 months that you start seeing signs of people’s real behaviour and selves.

There will be plenty of decent men out there, don’t settle for one just because you think there won’t be others.

AutumnFroglets · 15/07/2025 09:45

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 20:38

I am in counselling already. I think people are being a bit harsh, I've ended it, the allegations only came out over the last couple of weeks and have been bit by bit so didn't seem bad at all at first. He did a good job of making it seem like it was all made up by his ex to get back at him and stop him seeing the kids.

If you are already in counselling then you are very vulnerable in the dating world unfortunately. Try doing The Freedom Programme which will help with boundaries and seeing the red flags more quickly.

Huggersunite · 15/07/2025 09:54

@FreesiaFairy i think it is pretty rare these things are not true no matter how you want to believe it. My FIL was a rampant abuser got involved with a woman after MIL is now up on police charges for his behaviour with her. We were being told we were cruel and liars for our treatment of him by here before it happened to her. They are highly manipulative people or they would never get away with doing this stuff. Don’t be a fool.

crackofdoom · 15/07/2025 10:07

Devonshiregal · 14/07/2025 22:25

From the way your write, I can almost guarantee that it isn’t that all the good men are taken, it’s that you have terrible, terrible standards. It’ll surely be subconscious but you are pursuing toxic men. The fact you didn’t go running out of there as if you were ablaze at the mere mention of ‘possibly sexually assaulted his daughter’ is fucking insane. That you are trying to find ways to make yourself the one in the wrong, the one who is overreacting, is madness. And you say he’s telling you all about it and leaning on you too much? Well yeah! It’s been SIX WEEKS. And the fact you said you fell in love with him? SIX WEEKS!!! Goood lord!!

Show quote history

Yeah, enough of the victim blaming eh 🙄 These kind of men are often practiced at charming and seeming plausible.

WondererWanderer · 15/07/2025 10:09

crackofdoom · 15/07/2025 10:07

Yeah, enough of the victim blaming eh 🙄 These kind of men are often practiced at charming and seeming plausible.

Show quote history

Quite. She's dumped him and the pile on is still in progress.

Sodthesystem · 15/07/2025 12:24

Devonshirerexx · 15/07/2025 00:03

You need to do a claires law , I think you call 101 and ask , court battles in family court get nasty, he could be innocent, but why take the chance , you need to protect your baby.

Show quote history

Can we stop recommending Claire's law to people who have only been dating a guy a few weeks.

If you see red flags in the first few months, you just dump them and walk away. No need to waste police resources. There are people who genuinely need Claire's law because they're a year in and considering moving in with someone or marrying them or introducing the kids and then, the niggles start, something isn't quite right and they can't put their finger on what.

TheCurious0range · 15/07/2025 12:35

Biomic · 14/07/2025 18:21

That is denial, minimisation and justification, fairly typical of sexual abusers. It is clear that you need to break it off with him. You need to prioritise yourself and your child.

Show quote history

Absolutely this and I work with people convicted of sexual offences

outerspacepotato · 15/07/2025 12:37

"Yes, we should be here to support other women and not tell them how stupid they are when their only "crime" is having been naïve."

I'm not going to support anyone who would be indecisive about continuing to date someone accused of CSA when they have a child themself. Naive is no excuse for even potentially putting a kid on harm's way.

I was assaulted by one of my mom's BFs. You bet I have strong feelings about protecting children from assault.

I'm really glad OP did the right thing for her child here

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 15/07/2025 12:45

This whole thing has put me off dating, seems too risky when you have a child, and I'm clearly attracted to wronguns!!!!

OP posts: