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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man I'm dating accused of sexual abuse

132 replies

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:11

Should I carry on seeing him? I pretty sure I know the answer is no :-(

We've had about 6 dates, all have been lovely. He's a gentleman, funny, asks me questions, is interested, good career, attractive, similar backgrounds and interests. I hardly ever meet people I like (not been trying loooads, but keep an eye out and have done a bit of app dating over last few years). I fell for this one hard, felt fully in love for the first few weeks (didn't tell him of course!) been talking every day.

But... Gradually it has emerged that he is in a custody battle for his kids (the situation has escalated very fast since I met him a couple of months ago, solicitors getting involved, court etc). The ex has started making accusations, inappropriate behaviour towards his daughter, abuse towards her. He's shared a lot with me with I took for transparency. The daughter has now been questioned by the police.

I want it not to be true. But think it's getting to the point where I can't justify the risk, as I have a son myself. Plus he's dragging me into it by telling me all about it and I just don't feel able to support him through it, it's a lot for someone you just met! I think he's leaning on me too much.

Soo annoying though, was really excited about this one and loving spending time with him.

OP posts:
Rabbitsockpeony · 14/07/2025 20:15

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:14

Has anyone been in a similar position?

Am I right to be cautious, it feels like such a shame but my gut is really telling me now that this is not a good thing to continue. But then I am over anxious sometimes. Also I caught him flicking through my diary on our 5th date - he popped over before we headed out! I was cross, but luckily it was one I hadn't written anything in so sort of just let it go. It's not a good sign is it..

Would you like me to come round and whack you round the chops with one of the many, many red flags he’s waving?

Come on…

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2025 20:23

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 19:56

As I said, it came out gradually. Also I said up thread it was lust / a crush, love was the wrong word

Show quote history

Whichever word you use, you were putting how you felt around him over anything else. You ignored his lying about things and looking at your diary because you were dickmatized. You need to work on recognizing red flags in men and setting safe boundaries.

Original poster
FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 20:38

I am in counselling already. I think people are being a bit harsh, I've ended it, the allegations only came out over the last couple of weeks and have been bit by bit so didn't seem bad at all at first. He did a good job of making it seem like it was all made up by his ex to get back at him and stop him seeing the kids.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/07/2025 20:42

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 20:38

I am in counselling already. I think people are being a bit harsh, I've ended it, the allegations only came out over the last couple of weeks and have been bit by bit so didn't seem bad at all at first. He did a good job of making it seem like it was all made up by his ex to get back at him and stop him seeing the kids.

I agree with you.
You've ended it, it sounds like you were love bombed anyway. It was only six weeks.

Well done on getting rid!

WondererWanderer · 14/07/2025 20:43

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 20:38

I am in counselling already. I think people are being a bit harsh, I've ended it, the allegations only came out over the last couple of weeks and have been bit by bit so didn't seem bad at all at first. He did a good job of making it seem like it was all made up by his ex to get back at him and stop him seeing the kids.

I think people are being too harsh, too. You've ended it, you ve done the right thing. You didn't know until fourteen days ago. Gave you a massive drip feed. Don't be troubled by any further posts.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 14/07/2025 20:56

Glad you've ended it Freesia. I feel relieved for you. There are unfortunately a lot of wolves in sheep's clothing and dating sites are rife with them. Anyone reading this should consider signing a petition that is circulating on change.org about making it law for dating sites to properly vet these men and not allow anyone who has previous history of DV or SA. I know it would be a massive undertaking legally but they should have to protect women and the government should be getting involved. The labour gov brought out their women and girls charter so they need to put their money where their mouths are.

arcticpandas · 14/07/2025 20:58

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 20:38

I am in counselling already. I think people are being a bit harsh, I've ended it, the allegations only came out over the last couple of weeks and have been bit by bit so didn't seem bad at all at first. He did a good job of making it seem like it was all made up by his ex to get back at him and stop him seeing the kids.

Yes, we should be here to support other women and not tell them how stupid they are when their only "crime" is having been naïve.

You did well OP ending things. Most psychopaths are extremely charming so if it looks to good to be true it often is. In this case he was selling you a narrative so you would believe him when all hell broke lose.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 14/07/2025 21:04

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape. I’m glad that you are seeing clearly now rather than the faux details that he chose to show you while gradually drip feeding the truth.

mindutopia · 14/07/2025 21:08

Nope, nope, nope, you did right to chuck this one back. He was grooming you. He was telling you all his secrets to see what you’ll accept. Most women would run a bloody mile. He wants to know how gullible you are and how much he can convince you is normal.

The exact same thing happened to two women in my life. My mum being one of them. She met a guy who got out all the court documents about him being convicted for sexually abusing his daughter over dinner on their first bloody date. If someone did that to me, I would have run, not walked right out of there in 20 seconds flat. Instead, she thought he seemed nice and kind and she wanted to ‘save’ him and convinced herself she could prevent him from doing it again. 🙄

He has offended again since, and apparently it is ‘fine’ because no children were actually touched this time. We are NC as a result and she has no relationship with any of her grandchildren. She is in her 70s now. She lives a sad isolated life with this man, has no family and has lost a lot of her friends. I wish I could rewind the tape to date 6 and shake her.

Mmhmmn · 14/07/2025 21:08

He was flicking through your diary - red flag.

You felt in love really quickly - has he been love bombing you as opposed to normal new relationship feels?

It all sounds a bit much OP. You’d probably dodge a bullet by stepping back from all this.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 14/07/2025 21:08

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 17:15

Are all the good men taken 😭

They're not good, just taken.

bumbers1 · 14/07/2025 21:13

Don't go back to him when he comes crawling back with his emotional manipulation

User37482 · 14/07/2025 21:16

I actually think if I was accused of SA my child I couldn’t date because I’d be in a permanent state of grief and horror. Unless I did do it and couldn’t care less of course.

Good for you OP, best to have got rid.

WalkingaroundJardine · 14/07/2025 21:33

FreesiaFairy · 14/07/2025 20:38

I am in counselling already. I think people are being a bit harsh, I've ended it, the allegations only came out over the last couple of weeks and have been bit by bit so didn't seem bad at all at first. He did a good job of making it seem like it was all made up by his ex to get back at him and stop him seeing the kids.

Glad you got away early. At least you listened to your uncomfortable gut and wrote in the forum. I can confirm that charming behaviour and early over sharing is definitely a problem behaviour which creates a false sense of closeness and works as a form of flattery. Women often like to feel that they are specially trusted and understand the man in a way the ex could not. I have fallen for it myself.

Also mirroring you - perhaps that’s what the diary intrusion was about. He was most likely observing you very carefully, looking for your vulnerabilities and then manifesting himself as someone with whom you have a lot in common or share values. People like that have no real sense of self or a moral compass of their own - it shifts, which is disturbing.

I also can’t believe he would start a new relationship with all that going on and with someone who had a child already! Even if you are innocent, you just don’t do that to a potential romantic partner.

beAsensible1 · 14/07/2025 21:36

Six dates cannot seriously be enough for you to even waver on this.

it’s entirely too much drama true or not. Bloody nightmare situation.

end it.

MarxistMags · 14/07/2025 21:40

Run. Very fast.

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 14/07/2025 21:40

For the love of God, trust your gut please op.

JazzyBBBG · 14/07/2025 21:50

Listen to your gut it's there for a reason.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/07/2025 21:59

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 14/07/2025 21:40

For the love of God, trust your gut please op.

For the love of God, RTFT.

Doorwayss · 14/07/2025 21:59

Well done OP.
He was a liar, manipulator, read your diary and I absolutely think you would be worn out with his drama, not to mind these very serious accusations.

You are well out of it.
Read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Think about the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk too.

Listen to your gut and trust it. It seems to be working well for you.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/07/2025 22:00

JazzyBBBG · 14/07/2025 21:50

Listen to your gut it's there for a reason.

The ability to filter the OP's posts if also there for a reason. RTFT

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/07/2025 22:00

MarxistMags · 14/07/2025 21:40

Run. Very fast.

RTFT
Very fast

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/07/2025 22:02

beAsensible1 · 14/07/2025 21:36

Six dates cannot seriously be enough for you to even waver on this.

it’s entirely too much drama true or not. Bloody nightmare situation.

end it.

She has. RTFT

PIPERHELLO · 14/07/2025 22:02

Ditch him now.

a friend of mine got involved with a man in a similar situation, and ultimately regardless of the allegations, I’m afraid for me, it would show - at best - very poor judgement in relation to his previous partner IF (massive IF) the allegations turned out to be false. And obviously, at worst and the allegations true…shudders.

Myfridgeiscool · 14/07/2025 22:17

So pleased to hear you’ve ditched him OP.

Don't forget we’ve got Clare’s Law and Sarah’s Law, knowledge is power.