Affair partners, what do you class as a predator

[Clairebearstares]

I’ve been seeing a lot recently the other woman in an affair often getting called a predator as in they have gone out of their way to snag a married man. Obviously the man has done the wrong thing to his partner regardless but I’m curious what traits do you see in a woman to class her as a predator. I never thought of the other woman as a predator but now that I’ve been seeing it pop up it really makes me wonder…..

pursued my husband, didn’t win at first but worked her way in over a couple of years by flattering him, waited on him, bagged out her husband to mine, tried to befriend me (had mutual friends) ect ect.

interested to hear others thoughts

I don’t think affairs fit the term predator at all.

I’m just going off other posts here and elsewhere that have used that term

Just the harmed party lashing out, they forget it's the actual partner that owes them loyalty not some random woman. And presumably the DH blaming the OW for everything, sorry but it wasn't my fault she forced me to.

Agree. It's two consenting adults. Women who call their husband's affair partner a predator are just trying to let their husband off the hook. It's a cope so they feel less awful about the whole thing

I haven’t heard this but it sounds like a way to absolve the cheating husband who had no choice to resist the charms of the awful harlot who set her cap at him. Poor lamb. Much easier than accepting your man actively pursued another woman and mutually engaged in an affair with her.

He took full accountability for his actions but she did pursue him for 3 years before he was stupid enough to go there.

Affairs can be very complicated and I’m not sure I’ve ever thought of an OW as a predator. Not for a relationship type affair anyway, perhaps a ONS or brief encounter, for a bit of fun. An ongoing, longer term affair is different.

it was brief 1 week

That is not a predatory relationship. Your husband is not a child. He loved the attention she was giving him for 3 years before he went physical with it. You are trying to find a way to accept this situation comfortably, there isn’t one. You will always have a level of discomfort in this situation because you love your husband and he behaved really badly towards you. The other woman and her behaviour have nothing to do with how he chose to behave.

Agree. He could have told her loud and clear he wasn’t interested at any point but he seems to have enjoyed the attention.

He made a conscious choice to cheat - he wasn’t forced into having sex with her.

She sounds a nasty piece of work but he indulged her games fit 3 years.

I 100% agree with you, I know he made a bad choice he knows it. The only thing I disagree with is I don’t believe he enjoyed the attention for all that time I think he was oblivious to start with and she slowly chipped away at him based on what I know but can’t be bothered writing a whole essay. I guess I’m more questioned what type of woman would actually pursue someone for that long and put so much effort in. You’d have to be some level of crazy

I think we have to stop beatifying the OW just because she has tits and a vagina tbh.
Yes the man is at fault for cheating but sometimes the OW does behave appallingly.
Two examples:
A married couple, Bob and Jane, happily married for years before they worked on a cruise ship together. Then Bob meets Kate, Kate literally glues herself to him. Turns up while he's working, makes a beeline whenever they're on their break, texting him nonstop, even when she's on a date with someone else. Does sweet and romantic (but completely inappropriate as he's married) things for him. Just does not bloody quit. He sleeps with her, that's on him. But she relentlessly pursued him. After Jane starts realising something's amiss in her life (but she's not sure what) she leans on Bob for support. Bob tells Kate this can never happen again and it was a mistake. Kate doesn't back off, keeps texting him, doing her "injured wild animal" act. Just needs a friend. Keeps reeling him in over and over again. Kate never stops talking about Bob to other people. Everyone knows what's going on. Bob and Jane decide to leave their jobs and their friends to save their marriage.

Another couple, Marie and Dave, are in the very early days of their relationship. Dave goes out with friends to a gig and meets Sophie. Sophie starts nonstop messaging him and visiting him. Dave tells her that he's seeing Marie. Sophie says she just wants to be friends. Sophie adds Marie as a friend. Sophie starts innocent (neverending) chats with Marie every time Marie is online, trying to plant seeds of doubt with Marie, making comments like "why can't you just leave him for me?" and "If he loves you why is he always messaging me". When Marie goes to visit Dave, Sophie keeps turning up. Marie gets fed up and eventually calls it a day. Dave cuts off all contact with Sophie. Marie and Dave get back together. Sophie comes round creating drama on their doorstep. Marie loses it and tells her to piss off. Sophie goes up and down their friendship group, blowing it apart with allegations that Marie was the OW and that Sophie and Dave were together in a LDR before they ever actually met. Marie now persona non grata amongst half of Dave's friendship group who Sophie ingratiated herself into very quickly. Dave should have recognised the signs earlier and cut off Sophie quicker, but Sophie absolutely knew what she was doing and went out of her way to try and break them up.

In both cases I think the OW went out of their way to try and break up an existing relationship instead of finding someone single to date/sleep with. So while in both cases the men absolutely should have done better, the OW in both cases I would describe as intentionally (doggedly) targeting a man in a relationship. They're not always the hapless innocent doves some people make them out to be.

Those „other“ women (and men) aren‘t bound by any promise or so, it makes no sense classifying them as anything.

Sure, it is harder to refuse an offer than to not get an offer to refuse, and the more offers, the more chances to give in…

If the shoe were on the other foot, would you call the man who showed interest in you for three years predatory? And would your partner be more understanding or forgiving because the „other man“ was predatory?

I, as a partner, would question why my husband didn‘t feel compelled to reduce my explosure to said efforts by some very clear words and actions. Vice versa my partner would probably feel the same.

The very fact that „predatory“ behaviour is a thing, means the ‚prey‘ didn‘t want to draw the line clearly.

Yes this!!! The thing that was interesting for our situation was my hubby owned it straight away, told the truth and did all the right things to fix it, apologised to her husband ect. She on the other hand denied it through and through and has done nothing to help her husband or change in anyway, the only way he got all the truth from it was from myself and my husband. I will never take the blame away from my husband he’s a big boy and knows right from wrong but I guess it’s been more how he handled himself afterwards that has spoke volumes.

Because he let her. He obviously didn't put her in her place over those 3 years.

I wouldn’t have called it predatory until reading it recently I would have just called them being crap humans 😂😂 but with stronger language then that

He did initially and I know this as she had messaged him trying to make me look bad and he asked for help 😂😂 She just didn’t let up.

I had a friend who only really persued attached men. She eventually split up a marriage. At the time she was engaged to someone who had just lost his dad and she dumped him and refused to repay the widow money she owed.

Some people are without scruples and as you describe, will even attach themselves to the spouse in order to get to their partner. Obviously, the partner is not some mouse without agency.

I think some people (men and women) are some level of crazy. They like the chase and see someone in a relationship as “unattainable” so the target is even greater prize (where in fact someone that cheats on their spouse/partner is an arsehole and no prize).

I had no shortage of offers before I got married but since I married (25 years ago) I can’t recall a single man giving me the “come on”. Did I turn into an ogre during my wedding ceremony (Fiona from Shrek), did my pheromones change so all other men were repelled by me? Or did my behaviour change? Did I subconsciously shut every advance down before it was made?

Bizarrely I’ve not found a single man fanciable either!

Sorry, I drifted off at a tangent. I think what I’m trying to say is that some people make it clear that there’s just no chink in their “marital armour”. Don’t even try the chase because it’s just not going to work.

Yes. Some OW are predatory. But I don't think it's necessarily common/standard in affairs.

Yes I see what you’re saying and I think her dislike for me might have drove her harder to try and break me. Her husband told me she never liked you from day one but I don’t know why. I think we all know why now!!

No one can be pursued for 3 years without actively choosing to be though. If some woman ‘actively pursued’ dh, he would, like me, be like bugger off you creepy weirdo, block the stalker lady, and if it got that far, report her for harassment. Poor innocent mens are just not out there bing pursued against their consent and defenceless to stop it. I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour from some creepy man and men don’t need to either.

Agreed, situational. Some people are nasty some are crazy ect ect

Let them pick off the weak willed men, I wouldn’t want to be married so someone like that anyway.

He could have stopped her if he’d wanted to. He enjoyed the attention.

He’s not a poor, defenceless make, taken against his will by a female predator, although I understand as the partner, it’s easier on yourself if this is what you tell yourself, rather than he liked it and was a more than willing participant.