Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair partners, what do you class as a predator

155 replies

Clairebearstares · 13/07/2025 11:32

I’ve been seeing a lot recently the other woman in an affair often getting called a predator as in they have gone out of their way to snag a married man. Obviously the man has done the wrong thing to his partner regardless but I’m curious what traits do you see in a woman to class her as a predator. I never thought of the other woman as a predator but now that I’ve been seeing it pop up it really makes me wonder…..

pursued my husband, didn’t win at first but worked her way in over a couple of years by flattering him, waited on him, bagged out her husband to mine, tried to befriend me (had mutual friends) ect ect.

interested to hear others thoughts

OP posts:
morbiditytrain · 13/07/2025 14:35

Clairebearstares · 13/07/2025 12:58

I think it’s pretty obvious if someone cheats that they too are being sneaky I didn’t realise i needed to be so specific.

It’s also pretty obvious that if your husband has sex with another woman it’s because he very wanted to, not because he was prey. Yet here you are starting this thread

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/07/2025 14:36

HeadNorth · 13/07/2025 14:27

The OW wasn't necessarily predatory and didn't necessarily single out your DH. She could just be needy and desparate for affirmation. My mum had an affair, but she had been pursuing anything in trousers for a few years - I think she was bored, unhappily married, going through a mid life crisis and desparate to prove her desirability. Eventually, inevitably, she did get a man - the guy turned ouy to be pretty rubbish, unsurprisingy, because anyone decent backed off from such a needy, insecure woman.

So my mum could be perceived a predatory because she was throwing herself at men, but really she was just needy and desparate for attention. Any man attracted to that is probably not that great - I can see it would be more flattering to think the OW is a predator who singled your husband out, rather than he was the only man weak enough to be flattered by her attention.

That doesn’t excuse your mum going after men she knew to be married, surely?

HeadNorth · 13/07/2025 14:37

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/07/2025 14:36

That doesn’t excuse your mum going after men she knew to be married, surely?

I never said it did?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/07/2025 14:44

Clairebearstares · 13/07/2025 12:44

It was not like that at all. If I was to write the whole story and fill all the gaps for everyone we would all be here for a very long time and all I really wanted to know was are some woman really that pathetic and the answer is yes, yes they are. Was my husbands actions also pathetic??? You betcha!!!

It’s unlikely that the story is particularly complicated. It’s interesting that you’re so reluctant to tell it.

No, you’d rather call the OW a ‘predatory slag’ and gloss over the fact that you’ve forgiven your pathetic disloyal husband.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/07/2025 14:51

Clairebearstares · 13/07/2025 12:56

oh I just meant you picking my maths out! 50/50 then, both fools

So you genuinely think the other woman shares equal responsibility with your husband. The man who chose to lie to you. The man who broke the vows he made to you. And somehow, in your mind, she’s just as accountable for his betrayal as he is?

Interesting.

morbiditytrain · 13/07/2025 15:09

Clairebearstares · 13/07/2025 11:51

I 100% agree with you, I know he made a bad choice he knows it. The only thing I disagree with is I don’t believe he enjoyed the attention for all that time I think he was oblivious to start with and she slowly chipped away at him based on what I know but can’t be bothered writing a whole essay. I guess I’m more questioned what type of woman would actually pursue someone for that long and put so much effort in. You’d have to be some level of crazy

The answer to your question here is obvious. It’s the type of woman who is getting some sort of positive feedback from the man.

Berlinlover · 13/07/2025 15:20

If anyone is a predator it tends to be the one who is married.

sammylady37 · 13/07/2025 15:28

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/07/2025 14:44

It’s unlikely that the story is particularly complicated. It’s interesting that you’re so reluctant to tell it.

No, you’d rather call the OW a ‘predatory slag’ and gloss over the fact that you’ve forgiven your pathetic disloyal husband.

Agreed. These stories are rarely long and complicated, they tend to tread a well-worn path that many here will recognise. And the op is treading another well-worn one, that of the wife who has chosen to forgive, but will never be able to forget, who will spend the rest of her life anxious and uneasy because deep down she knows she’s with a man who has no respect for her and who will cheat again given the opportunity. But I bet she tells herself and anyone else who will listen that they’re ’stronger than ever’ after his ‘mistake’. Best of luck op, you’re gonna need it.

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 15:42

Even if she had been the one to pursue your husband because she wanted to get one over on you, it is still disappointing that he would help someone destroy you — even if he had done so through weakness rather than intent to hurt. Knowing your husband would not protect you but rather feed you to the wolves is a hard pill to swallow even if he is sorry.

Presumably you found out rather than he confessed?

She may have been flirty and nice to him for years which he never shut down letting you do it on his behalf which made her feel like you were threatened by her and emboldened her rather than making her back off. It became a game to her. It doesn’t sound like she made a proper move for a long time and then when she did he went for it. So really he didn’t spend years turning her down. If he had then why would he suddenly change his mind and realise it was something he wanted?

moose17 · 13/07/2025 15:44

Your husband wanted to have sex with someone else so he did it is really that simple. Surly blaming the other woman OW in any regards It’s just a way of justifying your husband’s behaviour.

yakkity · 13/07/2025 15:50

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 13/07/2025 11:36

Agree. It's two consenting adults. Women who call their husband's affair partner a predator are just trying to let their husband off the hook. It's a cope so they feel less awful about the whole thing

I don’t agree. I do blame the partner for sure. But I do think there are affair partners who evolve from say working closely with the partner and developing a friendship and then feelings and a person who determines to have someone. Intentionally positions themselves to seem appealing, undermines the spouse and seeks the opportunity when the marriage is not as strong as other times to push their way in.

all LTR have strain moments. Someone seeking those moments out to push is a predator

Anonusername1234 · 13/07/2025 16:04

‘Even if she had been the one to pursue your husband because she wanted to get one over on you, it is still disappointing that he would help someone destroy you — even if he had done so through weakness rather than intent to hurt. Knowing your husband would not protect you but rather feed you to the wolves is a hard pill to swallow even if he is sorry.’

I was the betrayed in a dynamic where SHE was the instigator, she was the original (endless) messenger, the one whose messages turned sexual and provocative first, the one who persuaded him that it was a good idea to embark on cheating even though it meant betraying his young children and wife because he would find ‘his happy’, she was also the one who turned nasty on me when he got cold feet, who called me all kinds of unpleasant things. I’ve seen everything so I know the truth of this.

BUT I 100% agree with this.

She is narcissistic but HE let her loose on OUR family. He did NOT protect us. That was on him.

morbiditytrain · 13/07/2025 16:10

yakkity · 13/07/2025 15:50

I don’t agree. I do blame the partner for sure. But I do think there are affair partners who evolve from say working closely with the partner and developing a friendship and then feelings and a person who determines to have someone. Intentionally positions themselves to seem appealing, undermines the spouse and seeks the opportunity when the marriage is not as strong as other times to push their way in.

all LTR have strain moments. Someone seeking those moments out to push is a predator

Even if you do buy into the 'predator' narrative, its still the easiest predator in the world to avoid. All the man needs to do is say 'No' and block. Its not exactly a sparrow trying to outrun a hawk, is it?

I knew a woman socially who suddenly made it very clear she no longer like me. At social occasions if I was talking with a group of people, she would pointedly not join that group, sometimes even starting to approach them, then noticing me there and turning away. If I joined a group chatting that she was in she would either leave that group or disengage from the conversation. It really is very easy to make it clear to someone that you no longer like them or want to engage with them.

OP's H could have very easily done this with this woman. But he chose not to, for very clear reasons. But rather than accept this OP is choosing to believe the lie that he was some sort of 'startled fawn' in the face of a predator.

morbiditytrain · 13/07/2025 16:12

Anonusername1234 · 13/07/2025 16:04

‘Even if she had been the one to pursue your husband because she wanted to get one over on you, it is still disappointing that he would help someone destroy you — even if he had done so through weakness rather than intent to hurt. Knowing your husband would not protect you but rather feed you to the wolves is a hard pill to swallow even if he is sorry.’

I was the betrayed in a dynamic where SHE was the instigator, she was the original (endless) messenger, the one whose messages turned sexual and provocative first, the one who persuaded him that it was a good idea to embark on cheating even though it meant betraying his young children and wife because he would find ‘his happy’, she was also the one who turned nasty on me when he got cold feet, who called me all kinds of unpleasant things. I’ve seen everything so I know the truth of this.

BUT I 100% agree with this.

She is narcissistic but HE let her loose on OUR family. He did NOT protect us. That was on him.

Edited

Well absolutely. Its the recipient's choice to let the messages get endless. All he needs to do is block the number.

BeGoneWorm · 13/07/2025 16:48

You need to pursue her husband, shag him, get it over and done with.

You can then deny all responsibility and say it was he who should have shut it down.

Nothing to do with me governer, women cannot be predatory.

Clarabella77 · 13/07/2025 16:54

In my lifetime, I've encountered:

Attached men who pursue other women: Many
Single women who target and pursue attached men: zero

That's not to say that there are no women who will pursue married men, or that women are blameless in affairs, just that there are plenty of married men willing to make the first move and cajole, persuade and coerce a woman into becoming an affair partner.

BeGoneWorm · 13/07/2025 16:55

But you need to accept that your h and this so called friend are both cunts.

Neither one of them deserve any loyalty moving forward.

You've won a minor battle, to win the war you must get rid of him, he's a weasle.

Boomer55 · 13/07/2025 16:59

Clairebearstares · 13/07/2025 11:32

I’ve been seeing a lot recently the other woman in an affair often getting called a predator as in they have gone out of their way to snag a married man. Obviously the man has done the wrong thing to his partner regardless but I’m curious what traits do you see in a woman to class her as a predator. I never thought of the other woman as a predator but now that I’ve been seeing it pop up it really makes me wonder…..

pursued my husband, didn’t win at first but worked her way in over a couple of years by flattering him, waited on him, bagged out her husband to mine, tried to befriend me (had mutual friends) ect ect.

interested to hear others thoughts

No one ever got dragged out of a happy marriage.

It’s a decision based on what both parties want.

Dweetfidilove · 13/07/2025 17:04

Do women routinely fall for their predators or is this a 'silly little man' thing?

If someone is chasing you for years and you're not interested, you

*tell them to get a grip / fuck off
*report them at work
*discuss it with a partner and work out a strategy to shake them off
*report them to their partner
*report them to the police...

Or, you wait for them to wear you down, enjoy the roll in the hay then confess; because you just couldn't help yourself by this point 🤦🏾‍♀️.

BeGoneWorm · 13/07/2025 17:13

Remember op, there are many women on here who have been ow, and those women want to believe that THEY were pursued, not many women will admit to being the one who pushed themselves into a man's sphere and his bed.

Ladies don't mind admitting this if the male is single but when it comes to married men it's a no no.

I also believe both sexes can be sexual predators, the reason why they are may differ but as sure as female chimps offer up their bums to male primates, so too do female human beings.

It's just animal behaviour.

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 17:17

Anonusername1234 · 13/07/2025 16:04

‘Even if she had been the one to pursue your husband because she wanted to get one over on you, it is still disappointing that he would help someone destroy you — even if he had done so through weakness rather than intent to hurt. Knowing your husband would not protect you but rather feed you to the wolves is a hard pill to swallow even if he is sorry.’

I was the betrayed in a dynamic where SHE was the instigator, she was the original (endless) messenger, the one whose messages turned sexual and provocative first, the one who persuaded him that it was a good idea to embark on cheating even though it meant betraying his young children and wife because he would find ‘his happy’, she was also the one who turned nasty on me when he got cold feet, who called me all kinds of unpleasant things. I’ve seen everything so I know the truth of this.

BUT I 100% agree with this.

She is narcissistic but HE let her loose on OUR family. He did NOT protect us. That was on him.

Edited

It’s easy to be faithful when no one is trying to sleep with you. He was tested and failed. Some partners are faithful because they are never tested. Some are faithful because they never failed. It’s devastating when you realise you are with someone who didn’t pass.

People can say what they want about their relationships but until they have been in a situation where their partner was tested they will never know 100%. They may believe their partner would remain faithful whatever was thrown at them — the majority wouldn’t be with someone if they didn’t believe this to be true but they don’t know for sure.

But that failure is all to do with him. It’s sad he had a chance to prove himself worthy of the adoration she gave him but ironically by accepting her advances he proved himself not to be.

MsCactus · 13/07/2025 17:21

Clairebearstares · 13/07/2025 12:58

I think it’s pretty obvious if someone cheats that they too are being sneaky I didn’t realise i needed to be so specific.

You called her a slag and predatory and him dumb???

You're just being sexist. If she's a slag, he's also a slag. If she's predatory, he was also predatory.

This is textbook sexism. I guess it makes you feel better to paint her like that, but most of us aren't so sexist

Disturbia81 · 13/07/2025 17:38

It’s always on the one in the relationship to shut it down quick and firm.
I’ve noticed both sexes persue people in relationships. Men usually do it to me when my partner is nowhere to be seen, and well behaved when they are there. It’s secret and when I’m vulnerable on my own.
Women however will come on to my partner right infront of me, start dancing with him when I’m right there, chatting to him and ignoring me etc. They even carry on when he’s moved away from them. They are so blatant

Voxon · 13/07/2025 17:40

In relationships generally, there are predators. These are people who go after someone vulnerable, and exploit them. They want something and they'll scheme and manipulate to get it and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. The same can apply to affair partners.

My experience, and keep in mind I'm an old bird who says it as I see it, is that men quite often are after a shag. They'll take it if they think they can and a lot of the time their dick does the thinking. They'd not be above flattering, pursuing and going after a married woman.

Women on the other hand are often looking for more than a shag. Quite often it's some kind of relationship and I know for a fact some will go deliberately after married men if they exude money, power, confidence or even represent a chance for her to prove her worth by stealing someone else's man.

This is not how most people are, but in my years of life I've come across these things. So if your partner has an affair the AP might be a predator, same as any other relationship. They also might just be a shit person or someone who's desperate themselves that pursues someone married.

The point is really more about your spouse. I think many people are capable of having affairs for a lot of reasons. Sometimes they're lonely or susceptible to ego boosts, sometimes they're just horny and selfish.

Each affair, like each relationship, is different. What's always constant is that it requires a great deal of selfishness to do it, and it's always, always, always the spouses choice to say no.

IzzieadoraDuncan · 13/07/2025 18:25

OW by their very character are predatory IF they know the man they are pursuing is married. These women are not helpless damsels, set on by overbearing married men. More often OW are attracted to a MM as a way of proving to themselves they are better than the wife. They are ruthless, have no morals and often target weak men who are easily flattered.

As for the men, of course they are totally to blame for their lack of boundaries but it certainly isn't clear cut at all.