Affair partners, what do you class as a predator

[Clairebearstares]

I’ve been seeing a lot recently the other woman in an affair often getting called a predator as in they have gone out of their way to snag a married man. Obviously the man has done the wrong thing to his partner regardless but I’m curious what traits do you see in a woman to class her as a predator. I never thought of the other woman as a predator but now that I’ve been seeing it pop up it really makes me wonder…..

pursued my husband, didn’t win at first but worked her way in over a couple of years by flattering him, waited on him, bagged out her husband to mine, tried to befriend me (had mutual friends) ect ect.

interested to hear others thoughts

Did he show you the messages she was sending and he was replying to right at the beginning? Did you know that she was trying to make a play for your husband the minute she sent that first message? Did he ignore ALL her messages right from the beginning?

Never seen that term used on MN about OW/OM. It’s inappropriate for relationships between adults unless one adult is in a position of power over the other who is vulnerable (eg one is the other’s boss at work or their doctor or therapist).

It seems that labelling the OW could be one of the ways you cope with / excuse your H’s infidelity.

I think when I say persued for 3 years is probably different to what people imagine. It was subtle stuff like if we were at bbq, fetching him a plate or a drink. You know the type agreeing and nodding with every thing they say, laughing even when there not funny ect not physically cracking on. Just slowly worked on winning him over, in hindsight I realise that behaviour was reserved only for him not all the men. He seen her as nice and so lovely as the act was getting played out. Also knew to wait till I was busy to do that so I wouldn’t notice so much. Just a sneaky cow and a dumb man 😂

I'm a feminist, I don't slag off other women.

Her behaviour - bad as it was - wouldn’t have mattered if your H had behaved as a married man should.

A man who was flattered by the attention, and could have stopped it if he’d wanted to, but didn’t want to.

Yes 100% and the messages did stop because he said in the message he was talking to me about what she had messaged. Obviously they started back up after the fling but not in between and was never secretive with phone in between. Strong and sensible at the start, weak and pathetic at the end

Even if they’ve done something wrong? What a blinkered attitude.

So he didn't encourage her even one tiny bit??

100% - he could have killed this stone dead at any point but he chose to enjoy and be flattered by the attention

And let’s face it, he didn’t trip, fall and accidentally land in her vagina. He made a decision to shag her

I know it’s easier to deal with if you pretend he’s innocent and the poor victim of a predatory woman but deep down you know that’s far from the truth,

I use better words than that 😂😂😂 actually we don’t talk about it anymore. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about it though.

Absolutely this. Women from their teens are able to shut down men hitting on them, so the idea that a grown adult married man is ‘vulnerable’ to a female ‘predator’ is bollocks.

Women get raped and murdered by real predators. A man enjoying the attention and then shagging a woman who fancies him is not the victim of a ‘predator’.

Might make married women feel better to think their Nigel was a victim of a predator but it’s not true.

Just men???

I’ve never heard anyone say that. I’d think them very foolish if I did.

The idea that men are either prey or some kind of prize (particularly given we’re discussing men who will risk their families for sex) is really sad. Anyone who thinks that way needs more a life.

100%, she would still be a slag for trying though

At the end yes he did, in between no

No need for sexism, OP.

He wasn’t dumb. He knew exactly what was happening, was enjoying it and was going along with it. That’s why he found her lovely and praised her to you.

You are really naive.

Absolutely blame is on him, he has been honest in every way and accepted accountability, he never blamed her he took on all the blame himself. guess I’m more still wrapping my head around her mentality, which I’ll never understand because I’m not like her in anyway

Just realizing she is married, too. In that case, the obvious choice would have been to tell her to stop and if she doesn’t to embarrass her in front of everyone including her husband.

I don‘t buy this ‚learned helplessness‘ of ‚oh, look wifey, what should I do‘ for even one second. More like a way to cover himself, while this ‚pursuit’ is going on.

Had he not been flattered but embarrassed by it, say, because he found her extremely unattractive, this would have ended in no time. I‘ve seen that often enough. Men can be VERY effective in scaring away interested women whose interest they feel threatens their image.

I have two predator friends from graduate school. (No longer in touch w either)

Friend 1: beautiful, so intelligent. Told me, while I had new baby that she was pursuing only men with a pregnant wife/new baby. She said … they are so neglected, and soooo appreciative and generous. Ick.

Friend 2: similar, actively sought out married men from work,

both thought were like Samantha from sex & the city. No idea what happened to 1, friend 2, no surprise had several long relationships with men in committed relationships & children. She’s not young anymore … so the men are older, she’s not interested. Single now for a few years.

No men were “off limits” for either.

Yes, there are predatory women.

He did not praise her to me, this is information I know after the fact

He’s your problem to get your head around. You’re focusing on her but she’s a nobody, she’s nothing to you.

You need to focus on why your husband chose to stick his dick in another woman - regardless of his words when he got caught.

Did this affect happen in the 1950s? Bloody hell I would feel sorry for someone if they acted like that around me and tell them to get some dignity!

If someone is making a habit of pursuing people who are in existing relationships then it may well indicate an underlying personality issue that they have and it's not exactly a nice trait but the person who is already in a relationship has to take the ultimate responsibility as they could have said no.