Affair partners, what do you class as a predator

[Clairebearstares]

I’ve been seeing a lot recently the other woman in an affair often getting called a predator as in they have gone out of their way to snag a married man. Obviously the man has done the wrong thing to his partner regardless but I’m curious what traits do you see in a woman to class her as a predator. I never thought of the other woman as a predator but now that I’ve been seeing it pop up it really makes me wonder…..

pursued my husband, didn’t win at first but worked her way in over a couple of years by flattering him, waited on him, bagged out her husband to mine, tried to befriend me (had mutual friends) ect ect.

interested to hear others thoughts

I’m laughing again, this man does not have a massive ego, one of the most self conscious people you will meet.

Your narrative is exactly this. You call her sneaky but your ( poor) DH is just dumb.

This is a blatantly sexist narrative.

Your H is not dumb. He enjoyed the attention, he enjoyed the chance of sex outside his marriage, and when he was held to account, he chose (like most cheating men) to hang on to his marriage.

I know the type of woman you mean OP, 100%.

I have a friend, then married, who caught the attention of someone she had studied with for a while. That guy would call her, wait for her in the street, come to her office when she worked longer hours … always trying to convince her that they were meant for each other…. Ultimately she started calling the cops on such occcasions, it ended in court and he got something like a restraining order.

Now that is predatory behaviour in my book.

Sadly, the marriage did not survive, in part because she felt her husband failed to grasp the seriousness of the situation and the agony it caused her.

Obviously a person chooses to have an affair. If someone actively pursue a person they know if in a relationship. That's predatory behaviour

oh I just meant you picking my maths out! 50/50 then, both fools

This, of all affairs I've witnessed or been aware of only one could you potentially label the woman as a predator and it was purely ons encounters, it didn't matter to her what their status was. If she fancied them she went for them. The others were different, man pursuing woman or just a mutual colleague connection growing into friendship and then more. Affairs are rarely simple.

I knew someone who was quite subtle about it & I only realised many years later that she always had relationships with either married men or men in long term relationships & I'm talking at least 5, it was very odd as she always said she wanted to be married & have children so her behaviour didn't match what she said she wanted. Anyway she is late 40's unmarried & childless so I guess you reap what you sow.

I think it’s pretty obvious if someone cheats that they too are being sneaky I didn’t realise i needed to be so specific.

So you think he’s insecure? Whatever the reasons he has zero respect for you.
There’s nothing less appealing in a man than one who has to hurt and screw over his wife just to feel better about himself, down to big ego or self esteem issues wouldn’t matter to me, the fact is, he’s a selfish piece of shit who put his need for sex with someone new over his marriage, have you left him?

I’m not condoning what these people do (men and women do this) but I wouldn’t call them predators.

I have a friend who used to do this basically wouldn’t care if the man was in a relationship/married/kids/single if she liked someone she went after what she wanted. She enjoyed the thrill of the chase and openly admitted this.
The thing is though these men were also actively encouraging it. I witnessed this on several occasions when we were out and seen some of the messages and heard some of the phone calls. So as much as it was wrong doing what she did the men weren’t innocent in it either. They would openly flirt in person, send flirty/sexual messages etc. sometimes even bad mouthing partners and saying things like it was a sexless marriage/there for the kids/financial reasons. If she was getting nothing in return then she got bored and moved on. If she did get what she wanted it was never a relationship as her end goal just a bit of fun and she would move on.

So as much as it’s wrong that these pursue someone in a relationship I don’t ever believe it’s all one sided and the person must be giving something in return.

these days it’s easy to block people on your phone / social media etc any decent person would do this. But if they are enjoying the attention then they will keep lines of communication open. If it’s someone from work then report to HR for harassment similar if they are showing up where there not wanted, report to police and if it’s in public with open flirting it’s easy to shut it down and ignore.

sorry OP but I think your being a bit naive really.

Yeah sparkles02 I saw such situations, too. E.g. The single woman, flirty with the guy who was out with friends, and had wife and baby at home. And the guy, I kid you not, fishing for compassion and consolation because life was so tough now with his wife focused on the baby and not him anymore.

Of course the married person should rebuff their advances, no question. But what are these women, and men, who pursue unavailable partners, sometimes exclusively, playing at? It’s deplorable behaviour.

Predatory implies the married man is a ‘victim’. It’s for that reason i can’t go with the term predatory.

However I can go with manipulative, self serving, egocentric and the idea that they don’t target the married man is nonsense in many cases.

I know of many cases where the woman initiated the pursuit. Honestly more than the man taking advantage of a vulnerable woman which is often the narrative on MN.

I’m not saying she’s not in the wrong she obviously is but they’re both responsible for their own actions. And I’ve clearly said anyone who pursues an attached person - man or woman - is scum.

It always takes two to tango though.

I think many here may agree you have to be some level of delusional.

Thats pretty much the way she seen it she was the single girl and just flirting with guys. She wouldn’t know they were single/married/in a relationship it was the thrill of the chase for her.
I wouldn’t even have said she was predatory it was more she just enjoyed the game. She knew she was good looking etc and would get attention so went after what she wanted. Even if she knew they were married etc they weren’t closing it down. As I said she would be bored if they weren’t giving her anything in return.

There were men back then that would close it down immediately or even after swapping numbers etc that would close it down.

ironically we met because she was trying to persue my BF at the time. Unbeknown to her we were out separate and I happened to walk in at the right time. He did shut her down thankfully but I got chatting to her when I joined him and his mates.

I suspect that you feel some level of triumph from this, OP. You feel like you ‘won’.

Your prize is a dud though.

I don’t think of OWs as predators. If they are knowingly the OW, they are either damaged people, thick or straight up selfish and arrogant - a good match for the cheating husband they’ve snagged.

Yeah, I agree. Getting weird gleeful, triumphant vibes.

This, stop finding excuses OP. He could have put a stop to it straight away but he didn’t, they rarely do. They love the attention. He was 100% to blame for it going further. We are responsible for our actions.
Affairs aren’t predatory, they are either about sex or love or both. It’s a harsh truth but it’s best to let them go, because to them it was probably one of the happiest times of their lives. And that will always be in your head.

They're both fu**ed people, in different ways.

There is definitely women who set their sights on a man and nothing else will do. I have seen it myself.

Lots of men are like that too. It’s a pity you can’t choose who you fall for because it can make people do crazy things.
I believe you can MAKE a choice to not act on it though! But people get attracted to other people and it’s like drugs, a madness, they focus on that and nothing else so maybe predator is not the right word but I can’t think of a better word. Infatuated? Besotted?

I have noticed that there doesn’t seem to be any space for the thoughts that people meet and fall in love with others when they are still married, yet that’s what realistically happens every day. There’s no easy way out of it.

The OW wasn't necessarily predatory and didn't necessarily single out your DH. She could just be needy and desparate for affirmation. My mum had an affair, but she had been pursuing anything in trousers for a few years - I think she was bored, unhappily married, going through a mid life crisis and desparate to prove her desirability. Eventually, inevitably, she did get a man - the guy turned ouy to be pretty rubbish, unsurprisingy, because anyone decent backed off from such a needy, insecure woman.

So my mum could be perceived a predatory because she was throwing herself at men, but really she was just needy and desparate for attention. Any man attracted to that is probably not that great - I can see it would be more flattering to think the OW is a predator who singled your husband out, rather than he was the only man weak enough to be flattered by her attention.

There’s no easy way but there’s the cowards way and the moral way, I’ve got respect for anyone who ends a relationship because they feel it has no future but very little for anyone going behind their partner’s back.