Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

You let your daughter break the family. What difference does it make to her on whether he has different girlfriends as long as they are respectful, polite, and treat him well.

I would be asking if you can come round and then apologise for the way you handled things…if your daughter had an issue she should have raised it, not you, and she should have been the one who came round less. She asked you to choose between your children, and you did.

Fix it now before it becomes unfixable. And for the love of God please don’t tell him that he can be welcomed back now he has a steady girlfriend…because you should be begging for him to come back with or without a girlfriend, and even if he has a different one every few months.

If the reason he gives is he doesn't want a 'formal meet the parents' then ask how to make it informal. Could they pop in for a cup of tea next time they are in the area? Could you stop by his when it's convenient for a quick visit?

Your DD sounds controlling and dreadful. Withholding her children from seeing you if you don't obey her wishes is awful. You let her exclude your son and run him out of the family. Why would you allow this to happen? Your son should be your priority, not your grandchildren. Apparently his future children weren't a priority when you ostracized him from family events. That is so hurtful of you to abandon him in favor of your grandchildren. You should be grateful of the fact that he still talks to you at all.

You have some serious apologizing to do to your son but he does not have to accept it. You allowed your judgemental daughter to reshape your family and exclude your other child. His girlfriend has been there to witness all of this too and I am sure she doesn't have a very good view of you. I wouldn't want to meet you either. I just cannot fathom why you don't know why he doesn't want to be close to you. He knows he is the outsider. I feel really terrible for him but glad that he at least has his girlfriend's family who accept him.

Yes I clocked the ‘eye candy’ thing

you reap what you sow …

Either way "yeah you're not invited to Christmas anymore because your sister's newly adopted religion trumps our love for you" is a difficult bridge to unburn

Really - your grandkids come as priority over your own son? If you want to make any head way with him you might want to think about this because of course he is going to be hurt you have chosen them over him. They have a mum - your daughter - he just has you.

You can invite him and leave the decision up to him. You could also invite him on occasions when his sister isn't going to be there.

You and your daughter sound deeply unpleasant and judgmental. Not sure how you will turn this around. Oh and your son-in-law doesn’t sound like a Christian. How about being kind and accepting people for what they are! Honestly awful behaviour towards your son and you allowed it.

"His sister married young, and her DH is a deeply committed Christian. Even though we didn't hold those values growing up she goes to church with her husband now. I think the fact her DB didn't settle down showed her husband "we weren't that kind of family" and that is where her main issue comes from."

Hypochristical bullshit.

She's a manipulative woman who neatly pried her brother out of his own family using religious bullshit as an excuse. Now she's got you solely at her kids' neck and call. That's what it's about.

Given that update, I hope he keeps his gf far, far away from any of this religious batshittery and your daughter and you. Do you really think your Jesus would expel somebody from their family for having girlfriends? Or approve of someone who would weaponize their children to control a family?

True, it's like a lot of ex smokers. Holier than thou.

He sounds awful and controlling. Why have you let him come between you and your son?

It’s always been seen as something amusing in my wider family that our key family event photos have my male cousin on with different partners. It’s (wedding) here’s Uncle James with Chloe, (DS1 christening), now Uncle James is with Amy, and (DS2 christening), and here Uncle James is with Aunty Julia.

We don’t look at this as evidence of
‘moral failings’ on my cousin’s part, that would have ‘contaminated’ my DC. You should have firmly challenged your DD and her bigoted DH when this appalling view was first expressed.

So u put someone else’s kids before your own kids? This is literally what you are saying. Your daughter’s children are more important to you than your own child.
Your son has done NOTHING WRONG!!!! nothing at all. You don’t deserve to have him in your
life. Actually pathetic your excuses.

And instead of of dismissing your son's previous girlfriends as arm candy maybe you should realize he wasn't settling like your DD obviously did for a controlling creep. He was trying to find the one and you made him feel awful about it. You really don't deserve to meet his newest "arm candy" just because you think she might become a baby making machine. Ugh, your poor, poor son

I’m horrified you have done this to your son.

You picked your side and made it clear to you son where he came in the list of who and what is important. You excluding him from family events because your daughter was embarrassed by how he lived his life was you basically telling him that you are ashamed of him.

It’s an unforgivable way to treat your child.

You picked your side, you made your bed and you have to accept that these are the consequences.

How incredibly unchristian of both of them. Do they really think that using access to the grandchildren to force you to ostracise your son is in any way in accordance with Christian principles?

Yes, I think you’re right with this view. This whole episode is very concerning. What seems to matter above all else to OP is grandchildren. First, ensuring access to her DD’s DC, and now a fear that she won’t meet her son’s future children.

Yes, it seems very much like "we were trying to give out an appearance of this family acceptable to my daughter's new-found religion and the son broke that appearance", and there is a concern now that the appearance of the family will look worse if the son has a wife and children that the family have never met.

But every response from the OP has been to blame someone else.

I should have read all your posts before posting. Your DD sounds really tricky.

I don’t think it ever occurred to any of the 5 grandparents on the scene when I had my DDs to think of my DH and I as gatekeeping access to our DDs. We’re a reasonably functional family where everyone gets on and it didn’t cross anyone’s mind that they wouldn’t be allowed to see our DDs. Your DD and her H sound rather judgmental and not Christian in the true sense at all. Either that or I missed the parable about Jesus excluding people from Sunday lunch because of their girlfriend.

In particular, her H sounds controlling. Are you worried about his influence on her?

This is everything that’s wrong with you and how you chose to behave.

You prioritised grandchildren over your own actual child. Your own son. It doesn’t matter how important you thought the grandchildren are, the fact is you chose a relationship with them in preference to one with your adult child. You did this. You showed him his lack of importance to you and he’s taken that on board.

And now it looks like you’re only interested because there might be more grandchildren.

What happens if your daughter kicks off again? What then?

I don’t know how you can fix this. What could you say or do to undo the hard rejection of your son? Whatever you try, I think you need to be prepared for it to not fix everything. Your son might accept an apology and still keep his distance because the risk of more rejection and hurt is just too much.

Apologise, but don’t rely on it being an easy fix to get you access to more babies.

Son not invited to lunch because he had a fair few girlfriends and your daughter said it wasn’t acceptable 😂. You should have told your controlling daughter to keep her opinions to herself and you won’t be disowning your son on her say so.
Oh well op you have made your bed. Sounds like his girls friends family are lovely

Bloody hell, your dd sounds like a piece of work.
I can only sympathise with your ds and wholly understand him not bringing his current girlfriend round.
You have made your bed and now you must lie in it

I can see why he doesn’t come around, poor guy. He’s doing a perfectly normal and healthy thing and you’ve made him feel unwelcome and 2nd best in his own family home. My dc have had to see people they actually knew as close family members disappear due to divorce, estrangement, death. Kids are very resilient. Your baby grandchild would hardly have noticed or cared.

If you want to have him in your life going forward, it’s time to prioritise your relationship with him. Invite him for Sunday lunch, by himself, without his sister. Offer to take him out for dinner. Actually make him a priority in your life. No one wants to bring someone they care about around family who they feel don’t even like them, so work on the relationship with him first, if he wants to.

But if he was invited then my DD wouldn't come and then I wouldn't see my grandchildren, and they are absolutely my priority.

Over your own son?!

That's really shitty