Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

You need to invite him to something - he takes priority over your DGC. Why on earth would you think your own son is less important than your DGC?

Wow. That is awful. Has she bought into this or is her DH very controlling of her? He sounds horrendous, and it’s the opposite of ‘family values’. I hope people with more relevant experience can help.

I cannot get over that comment.

So now all of this is to appease the SiL?

You last update is appalling. You prioritised your son in law’s religious beliefs over your own son and allowed him to be disrespected for not marrying etc.

It is embarrassing having to explain his narrow minded sister and husband but reassure your son that he has done nothing wrong.

Just invite him round when his sister isn’t there. And point out to her that her husband is a pretty lousy Christian if he is so unaccepting of other people. That was not the way Jesus acted. Her husband is the bully in this, she is either complicit or an idiot or scared of him and likewise you.
I doubt you will ever fully repair the relationship with your son, but you can rebuild one. And don’t be coerced into behaviours by your son in law. If they are threatening not to let you see your grandchildren unless you behave to their opinions, you really need to have a long hard think about your relationship with them. You have actually favoured your son in law over your son.

It sounds like you've prioritised your daughter's feelings over your son's - now you're reaping what you've sown. Your son is in a relationship and it sounds like he happily spends time with his girlfriend's family who are more welcoming and non-judgemental than his own family.

I'm not sure what you can do other than apologise to your son for how you've treated him and tell him you'd love to meet his girlfriend at a time and place that suits them - maybe meeting up at a cafe or restaurant would be easier than in your home. You will have to be led by him, he's obviously been deeply hurt and may never feel able to be close to you again.

Well they're a great advertisement for Christianity aren't they? What about 'love thy neighbour' and Christian kindness and tolerance? They are a pair of bigots. No wonder your son stays away.

I am a DIL in a very similar situation.

You’ve stuffed it up OP. Good luck in fixing whatever you can but in my experience, old habits run deep.

Be happy he still has some contact with you. Your poor son.

"It is just the invitations to meet the GF that he bats away."

I'm not surprised. What a silly, unnecessary mess. I assume you backed your daughter because she had presented you with a grandchild and you'd rather lose the relationship with your son than alienate the baby from your life. Am I right? She sounds like a sanctimonious nause and I wonder whether your relationship with her and her self rightgeous DH will endure anyway. You're bound to offend their "Christian" values at some point. You may have backed the wrong horse OP.

Wow. Just wow. Your poor son - I bet your perfect daughter has never done anyhting wrong?

Oh my God - the worst kind of narrow-minded superiority under the guess of moral fibre.
I'd invite DS out for a drink and tell him that you realise how wrong and cowardly you have been, excluding him from family get togethers because DD has become judgemental and unkind. Tell him that you were scared she would withhold the children from you if you refused to comply, and that you bitterly regret it. Explain your reasons, but don't try to defend them.
Tell him he's always welcome to visit when his sister's family are there and that you understand he may not want to. Tell him that you would love to meet his girlfriend at any time and place that suits them both.

I’m not being funny but you agreed with your DD in your original post. You referred to his long term girlfriends as arm candy. You have HAPPILY excluded him until now because you’re now worried he’s going to have children and you won’t get to see them.

Don’t blame your daughter, you sound like you were all for this until you now face the consequences, it’s not even like you realised you made a mistake, you just realised there could be more precious babies on the way and have turned into Gollum wanting to make sure you have access to them, with no thought to your poor son

I do sense this idea that you were guessing over his religious beliefs and that this is all to keep up appearances in front of him.

You've tried not to look like a "certain type of family" (whatever that really means) and you've ended up like that.

Well you're reaping what you've sown. No wonder he's not introducing his girlfriend to you. If he marries her and has children you'll probably have sod all contact with them as you have repeatedly put your DD and her children before your DS.

Which grandchildren will you choose when your DD stamps her now Christian foot about which grandchildren she'll allow you to see?

Your DD and her DH who's a deeply committed Christian are being anything but Christian, more like creeping Jesus types.

You stuck a bloody familial roadblock in front of him! So now you just need to accept his boundaries and you will meet his girlfriend as and when he sees fit for you to do so - which yes, might by at his wedding.

If it isn't the consequences of all your actions!

What do you think your daughter (and son-in-law) would say if you talked to them about the situation you find yourself in and explained how you feel about it?
Is your dd capable of reflecting on her past behaviour? Would she care that this is causing you unhappiness? Is she humble enough to apologise to her brother and ask if they could try to forge a new relationship?
A true Christian should be able to consider this surely?

Don't invite him to Sunday lunch, offer to take him and his girlfriend out to a pub or restaurant as you really want to meet her!
You caused this so you need to solve it or he might move on with his partner, have children etc. and you will never know any of them.

So They get alternative invites where and take in turns to come
He can cone over knowing she won’t be there as not invited and then on the next occassion that’s nice verse for her

Exactly this. What a nasty mum and sister you both are. Huge apologies are needed here from you both, you’re lucky the poor guy still phones. Sure you’re just not jealous or snooping to see what the in laws are like? Hope his new family are nicer to him that his blood one.

He doesn't sound like a deeply committed Christian. Are Christians taught to be judgmental, superior and cause rifts within families? He sounds thoroughly nasty and so does your DD. You sound the same too, with your 'arm candy' comment and happily excluding him until you suddenly realise that he may have some grandchildren with his girlfriend. You don't really seem to care about your son at all.

You said this in your opening OP "I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child" and now you are back tracking saying you only did it for fear of not seeing your grandchild. You need to do more than apologize to him - you need to be honest with yourself and him and stop shifting the goal posts to try and justify your behaviour to yourself. And I would prob do it sooner rather than later too - because from my experience men tend to follow what their partners suggest and she clearly has a good relationship with her family there would not be a big incentive to build a relationship with his.

Was your DD banned from ever daring to bring home a boyfriend until she had an engagement ring on her finger, or is it only your son who wasn't allowed to sully the family table with dates OP?

You have created this ridiculous situation by pandering to your ridiculous daughter and the only one I have any sympathy for is your DS.

What will you do if your son does have children and he won't allow them to see your daughters children just in case she gets pregnant and pops out a new one at some point, thus being a new face in the family to emotionally scar you all?

"Her husband is the bully in this, she is either complicit or an idiot or scared of him and likewise you."

I read it more as the daughter trying to retcon her family to be more Christian so they fit in with her new lifestyle. Nobody as zealous as a convert or whatever the saying is.