Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Your daughter was at best constant at worst has an unhealthy obsession with her brothers love life

You say your daughter won't allow access to the GC but now your son probably won't allow access to any he has..
I think you've made a real bloomer here and you'll be lucky if he ever does start bringing anyone back.

I have GC and I love them dearly but I wouldn't sacrifice my relationship with another child for them. Especially if he hadn't done anything wrong.

@lifesabench your children should be your priority not your grandchildren.

As others have said you should apologise profusely to your son. If your DD doesn’t like that and doesn’t let you see your grandchildren then so be it. Hopefully you will have repaired your relationship with DS and be able to participate in his and his potential childrens lives.

"Arm candy" is a horrible way to think of other women. All they have done is date your son and turn up to family events, presumably looking groomed, that's an undeserved way to speak of them. Is it their fault your son flitted through relationships?

Is that your daughter's view too, because it's not very Christian of her if it is. Maybe your son doesn't want to be around all that fake preachy holier than thou stuff just to keep his brother in law from remembering what the family he married into are like.

And you've made that so clear that your son now doesn't want to come, not surprised really.

And he is quite right too. Your DD was being utterly ridiculous. One doesn't need to explain to a small child the ins and outs of adult dating; and by the time they are old enough to figure it out it's too late to explain it to them! You were awfully cruel to you son in excluding him because of your daughter - if she wasn't happy it was down to her to make herself scarce, not insist on you excluding him.

You have made this particular bed and I don't think you will easily fix it.

Look, I know I was wrong. But if he was invited then my DD wouldn't come and then I wouldn't see my grandchildren, and they are absolutely my priority.
What I need is advice on how to put this right. I am now looking at a potential DIL and mother of my grandkids that I have never met!!!
You have told your son where your priorities lie - if and when he has children then your not ever seeing them would be your fault. If your DD / her husband are so controlling that they would prevent you from seeing your grandchildren unless you do as they tell you, then I would prefer not to see the grandchildren than turn away my other child. And in your son's shoes, you have told him that his life, and his potential children's lives, have no value to you compared to standing up for what is right.

His sister married young, and her DH is a deeply committed Christian. Even though we didn't hold those values growing up she goes to church with her husband now. I think the fact her DB didn't settle down showed her husband "we weren't that kind of family" and that is where her main issue comes from.
And if my son in law didn't like and respect MY families values and my children, then he is very welcome to sling his hook.

Stop making excuses for your behaviour. If this can be fixed there is only one way to do that, and you don't need anyone to tell you what it is. You already know. Your tell your daughter and her precious husband that your son is and will always be welcome in your home and if they don't like it they do not need to bother visiting; and if that means that their children are deprived of their grandparents company then that is a choice they have made, and upset though you will be, you will accept that you won't see them. But if they ever then come knocking to ask why you didn't see them they will be told the truth and it is up to them whether they accept it or not.

This should never have been a problem, you just introduce the miriad of girls by their names, not their relationship to your son. Unless the kids are never allowed to meet anyone unless they’re in a committed relationship! What a shame you’ve pushed him away.

This.
I doubt the kids even noticed.Your son has played you at your own game and now you suddenly realise what you've messed up. You and your awful daughter have done hom a disservice and if there is any coming back from this (and I doubt there is), quite frankly, you don't deserve it.

This 100%

Why on earth did you let your DD dictate the rules? This is on her and you - he clearly doesn’t feel welcome over some ridiculous rule your DD made up about her brother and his partners.

You all need to apologise profusely to him and stop her dictatorial nonsense.

Your daughter is an absolute piece of work. You sound frightened of her.

As a practising Christian I feel fairly qualified to say that threatening to withhold a relationship with your grandchildren is appallingly unchristian behaviour.

I can completely see where you/DD were coming from.

I had not long had a baby and my sister wanted to bring her latest fling around to see my new baby.
I was not comfortable with a stranger being around me or my child when I was already feeling vulnerable and finding it hard to adjust after having my baby.
My boobs were leaking, I was bleeding heavily and still learning how to BF and I did not want a man that I did not know there.

I think your son is being a bit petty because it’s one thing to not bring his new gf around the baby and new mum but surely you are separate and you meeting them is very different.

If you have been asking to meet her then I would simply stop and act unbothered, because he’s obviously enjoying the game.

If you’ve not mentioned meeting her, then be honest and say you’d love to meet her one day.

But they weren’t flings. The OP describes him as being in long term relationships.

Could you suggest going to through to where he lives and taking him for lunch or a coffee and suggest she joins you? A little less formal & could show more of an effort on your part to be a part of his life rather than him bringing his gf into yours. I would also suggest asking him how he feels and listening and then holding your hands up and apologising if he is carrying any hurt from the past. An acknowledgment and apology can go a long way.

If you want to fix it you need to sit down with your son, apologise properly and then enact change. You stop pandering to your daughters whims at the expense of your other child, instead you create and enforce boundaries so that both your children are treated equally.

Your GC are a priority, but not your only one. Dropping your son from joint family events rather than have a difficult conversation with your daughter was weak and selfish, and he'll need to see proof that is going to change.

The only thing to do is apologise profusely for excluding him and invite him to everything from now on. It’s nice that he still dutifully visits.

He’s answered your question really - the girlfriend’s family just pop in and hang out. As opposed to visiting yours for a formal slut-shaming

So @lifesabench, is the 'new' GF getting a possible invitation over because you miss your DS or because he seems very committed to her?

You've also mentioned the possibility of her becoming your DIL and potential mother of other grandchildren. How do you think the wedding's going to go if he isn't talking to his Dsis? Is she likely to lose it over not having a wedding invitation? Whose side are you on then?

And, God forbid, your DS and his GF decide to start a family without getting married - that may also put a cat amongst the pigeons if your DD is now so 'committed'. BTW I'm a church goer and I can't imagine shunning anyone because they are being sensibly careful about who they decide to spend their life with. And I certainly wouldn't call a woman 'eye candy'...

I think you've dug a big hole and now need to find a way out. Apologies may help but you may have to face the fact that, if your DS does have a family with his GF (or wife) he may not want to have that much to do with you or his sister. After all there's nothing like suddenly becoming the bees knees just because you're now 'towing the line' in some people's eyes for making you close that particular door just a tad.

Hardly 'a fling' if they were long term relationships - he just had a few of them which is expected when he's 35 years old! I think his family are very rude calling anyone 'eye candy' but particularly someone who may have been with him for a number of months or years.

Totally different scenario.

How odd of your daughter. Her brother isn’t raising her child so it won’t impact their life in the slightest. It’s nowhere near the same as having a parent who has a revolving door of live in partners and their life upheaved every couple of years. Some people settle with someone they’ve met at school and others have to date 20 different people before they find “the one”. Neither are wrong and it seems really judgy of your daughter to have effectively banned her brother from attending family events because he didn’t find someone as quickly as she did

If he's got any sense he's on to you and realises that you are only interested in him now because you think his latest relationship might yield more precious 'priority' grandchildren.

You aren't sorry that you've treated him shittily, you're feeling left out because he's not bothered about bringing his girlfriend round after you made it clear that neither of them were welcome!

How should he explain it to her? 'I know my mum didn't want to meet you because my brother in laws is a Christian, but now she's worried we'll have kids together and she'll be embarrassed that she doesn't know you.' I'd not come round in her shoes either so it's not just your son you need to appease!

I think you owe your son a sincere and heartfelt apology for your past behaviour. I’m not at all surprised he doesn’t want to bring her around you.

You know what, I take back my earlier advice.
Your son is absolutely doing the right thing by his girlfriend keeping her away from such a toxic family. Leave him to it, because he sounds like a good man trying to do a good thing for the woman he loves. Unlike your 'Christian' DD and SIL.
I missed the bit where Jesus turned people away because they had a series of long term girlfriends. Lepers fine, prostitutes fine, terminally monogamous young men begone.

That's nothing like what is described in @lifesabench's posts though. This is something that has gone on for years. The newborn stage and learning to breast feed isn't mentioned at all. The 'Christian' SIL is though. You don't seem to have even read the OP's posts.

Your poor son. I feel so sorry for him.

I mean, that's the consequence of your choice. You prioritise your grandkids; he prioritises not making his partner uncomfortable.

You're lucky he stays in touch with you; I wouldn't have.