Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Your daughter was way out of line here @lifesabench and I’m sure your son is holding a lot of resentment towards you all.

It wasn’t a different family wedding each week that he was bringing a different girl to it was Sunday lunch.

Well you said it yourself your daughter and grandchild are your priority. You made your son feel like his ex girlfriends were not worthy of being in your daughters presence. He is probably afraid you will treat this girlfriend the same.
My mother did the exact same prioritizing my sister and her son over me. Sadly my mother doesn't have much of a relationship with my children as I nor my children are second best or an after thought for when my sister is not around.

And by the way describing ex girlfriends as arm candy is not nice

Mind baffled
Her son surely comes before grandchildren in this context

Selfish creatures like your daughter don’t give up the lovely free babysitting and gifts etc because they are too damn selfish to cut their nose off to spite their spoilt faces.

It sounds like your son is keeping you at arms length just as you did with him. He must have been very hurt to be rejected from the family lunch just because his sister stamped her little feet and said it was inappropriate for him to bring his ‘arm Candy’ round. Most parents would have been delighted that your son felt comfortable to share his life with you. It’s now been 2 years, he’s moved on and it sounds like he’s happy. I’m not sure this can be fixed.

The priority is always on your own children. Not inviting your DS is so rude. Makes my blood boil every time I see these picture perfect GP that have no clue how to treat their own children.

He is pretty angry that I never stood up to his sister and that he doesn't have a relationship with her kids.

Of course he is. Who wouldn't be?

I think it's impressive of him to still chat to you three times a week, and to pop round at all. Most people would consider going low or no contact with a parent who shut shut them out of family occasions to pacify the golden sibling.

You can try apologising fulsomely, but that will have no meaning unless you follow up on it by telling your daughter that you're not prepared to shut him out of the family any longer.

There is more going on here. Why does your daughter dislike her brother? Was he invited to her wedding, the christenings (if they happened) ? Where has he spent Christmas/Easter ect prior to this new girlfriend? I am not surprised he is angry at being shut out both by you and his sister . Most men love being “uncle Bob” to their nieces and nephews, he has been denied this relationship.

Would he meet you in a more casual setting- for a coffee, or meal in a pub?
You need to start building bridges or you will loose him (and his future family). Apologize and ask for a new start.

Agree with others it was out of order to exclude him because he had multiple relationships. Not everyone finds the one first time. DD was controlling and as you’ve done her biddings, you’re now complicit in this too

She went from "I agreed with her" and "they were obviously my priority" to "she made me do it" pretty quickly when the reviews started rolling in so I'm not sure she has gotten it

Yes - your DD took being a parent of a precious first born to a ridiculous extent, I’m afraid. There was no big issue here - your DD manufactured one. I agree that divorced parents should not be quickly introducing partners to their DC, but it is very silly to think that this applies to aunts and uncles.

I'm with your son on this.

Your only hope is too apologise sincerely and profusely and make sure your son knows that you are not prepared to go on like this and that you are now standing up to you daughter. Let him hear and see you do it!

Is there a huge backstory here? Why does his sister not want him around?
It’s not about the girlfriends. Crikey no one was asking her kids to move in with them.

I am taking this onboard.

The thing is he doesn't want anything to do with his sister now. So I can't apologise and insist that he is invited to every thing now because he won't want to come anyway.

It's not on you to decide who comes or doesn't come op invite them both, it's their choice if they choose to come or not. Surely you can see your GC at other times if your dd doesn't come?

Well you can still apologise.

And ask her to do it too. Although if I were him I'd avoid her as well, she sounds manipulative and bullying.

His sister married young, and her DH is a deeply committed Christian. Even though we didn't hold those values growing up she goes to church with her husband now. I think the fact her DB didn't settle down showed her husband "we weren't that kind of family" and that is where her main issue comes from.

@lifesabench - you can’t put back time. I try to be a good mum but I’ve made some huge mistakes and would definitely do some things very differently if I could put back time.

Your DD sounds a bit unreasonable. It was a mistake to pander to her in this. I think your best bet is to find a way to say to your son that you think you got this wrong and you’d like to do what you can to mend the situation.

You can apologise and invite him to everything. It's up to him if he comes or not. He probably wants to protect his girlfriend from his nasty family.

Seriously? I am a life long church goer and I know no one with that attitude. What kind of church is this?!!

Your grandchildren should not be the priority to you. They absolutely should be a priority, but your children feeling welcome should always be your priority.

Your son felt unwelcome at family events. You need to stand up to your DD and tell her that her brother having friends is fine and won't impact her children in any way. You also need to tell her that both of them are equally important and both of them are invited to family events.

Then you need to tell your son the exact same thing and that you've told his sister, and apologise. Stop pushing to meet the girlfriend, focus on fixing your relationship with your son first.

His relationship with his sister will never be the same if she's kept her children from him because he hadn't settled down yet (ridiculous reason, btw), but it won't ever recover in anyway if you keep taking her side.

You'll miss out on his children if you don't start prioritising him soon. And then he'll feel like you chose his nieces/nephews over his children.

Should have just said they were his friends. Your daughter is a madam. You've messed up your relationship with him.

Very Christian of him I must say. 🙄

No, you don't insist - you just invite!

As the other poster said, his anger is totally understandable. You are reaping what you have sown here @lifesabench. What did you expect?

Why can't you apologise whole heartedly to him and start inviting him to family events and exclude your daughter? After all, that is exactly what you have done with your son for 10 years or however long it is.

If you don't invite him, he definitely won't come.

Keep inviting him, he might come one day. But he can't if he isn't invited and that's on you.