Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

DS doesn't want to see his sister and I don't blame him one tiny bit.

And the grandmother colluded and rubber stamped it. She is not "in the middle" she choose a side and only now that her son has a long term Gf with all the possible benefits she wants to be included.

Its too little too late.

When and if you are graced with a wedding invitation, you'd better not campaign for your daughter. For once, put your son's feelings first.

I don't agree that grandchildren should have been your priority over your own child op, you've caused this issue yourself- you're lucky he speaks to you at all after all that.

Maybe he would be more amenable to you dropping over to his house to see him and meet his girlfriend or meeting for a coffee out somewhere

Have you properly apologised for how unfair and unreasonable you've been?

Have you properly apologised for how unfair and unreasonable you've been?

And the important thing being, without using the word ‘but’ or ‘what could I do’ or any variations thereof in the apology, as that indicates minimising and not taking responsibility?

I wonder how you would feel if you were DS, not with the perfect family unit being ostracised from family get togethers?

please quickly invite him and whatever partner he has to all further functions, all you can say is you wanted quality time with him and his gf to get to know her and hope he believes a section of it.

What's your daughters problem with her brother having relationships? Is she a religious nut or somthing? Very strange behaviour IMO

Have you told your DD that she was wrong to ask that of you and that you were wrong to allow it?

As far as I am aware, words in lower case and upper case have exactly the same meaning in English.
Just be honest and admit to your mistake @Treesandsheepeverywhere. I'm not sure why you are struggling to do so.

The reason your son is doing this is because he’s really hurt. That cut deep for him. The fact that he’s sad that he doesn’t have a relationship with his sisters dc says a lot. He wanted that family relationship.
If you look hard enough op, you’ll see the history of your family dynamics and what lead to your son’s company being discarded so easily.
What does your dd say about any of this? Is she even sad that she doesn’t see her db anymore or her kids don’t see their uncle?

What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her

I want, I want.

Bring her round - like a parcel

So I can...

Can't you see your own language? All about what you want, about her being brought and presented, like you're Queen Victoria sitting at the head of the banquet.

How about what might suit them better? She's probably petrified of the thought of you.

Start suggesting you meet halfway, do something brief, low-key, a public place.

I'm pretty sure the DD won't even know that there is an issue. She's probably told her mum she doesn't want her brother there with different GF and if he was she couldn't bring her child and her mum has told her of course that's fine, and her brother is fine with it. Not realising that it has actually created a huge rift and the way the mother is handling it is appalling.

OP just because your son comes round doesn't mean you have a good relationship. He does it out of duty. If he does have a deep relationship with this GF it is likely she knows all about your family situation and what you have created- she isn't likely to want to meet you.

For putting it right. I think you need to acknowledge what you have done and how you have handled the situation is fundamentally wrong. Don't blame your DD- she made me do it. No, she asked, but you ratified the request as reasonable and enabled it.

You need to show your son he is a priority in your decision making. I bet you think stuff is great because he still spent a Christmas with you- but you offered him that one because your daughter was at the in-laws??? Don't offer him an evening in the week because you're free to see him. Offer that Sunday lunch space. It doesn't matter if he uses it or not- it's his not his sister's. The village fete? Ask him to go, not his sister because the GC will love it.

For a while at least give him first refusal of events. Let him see the quality of what he is invited to has changed- it's not just popping round for a midweek dinner anymore. And when he does come round even if it is just him, put in as much effort with him as you do with your DD. Does she get a homemade dessert? Then he does too. Do they come round for a BBQ, but his things just get put in the oven because it's not worth it for a smaller group? Whatever it is you offer equality- even if he doesn't take it at the start.

And your priority should be your own children - not other people's.

If you want things to change, start by genuinely shifting your own mindsets. You've done well to accept you went wrong; still a long way to go.

Unlike you I would want to stay as far away as possible from them.

Because he would still be being judged by them. Just because he might pass muster this time doesn't make it OK.

As the girlfriend will know that she has never been included in invitations from OP's family because she was viewed as 'arm candy' and unsuitable by a family of religious bigots, I doubt that she will be pushing OP's son to change his mind any time soon and I don't blame her.

It's gone too far for too long. OP is lucky that her son still has a relationship with her but he obviously doesn't want to expose his girlfriend to his toxic family, particularly his god bothering sister and brother-in-law.

Agree. In her shoes I wouldn’t go anywhere near this sanctimonious bunch. It seems the gf has a loving supportive family who have welcomed her bf with open arms - exactly what normal non judgemental families do.

To even begin to make amends, the OP needs to reframe her attitude away from ‘it’s all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’ and try and understand what’s best for her DS and his gf. Until she stops making excuses, deflecting blame and offering hollow words as a weak half arsed apology, nothing will change.

Frankly, your DD should have been put in her place at the outset.

"Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy."
Totally ridiculous.

I can't believe that your take on OP's situation is that both her children are as bad as each other!

OP's daughter and toxic religious bigot son-in-law told OP that they didn't want their children around any of her son's girlfriends and OP sided with them and happily excluded/ostracised her son from all family occasions.

It's obvious that her son doesn't want to facilitate any relationship between his mum and his girlfriend and he has now been welcomed into his girlfriend's family. They are his family now and they are the ones who will have a relationship with the grandchildren. OP has done this all by herself. By prioritising her grandchildren over her son, she has lost the right to any future grandchildren from her son.

What does his sister now think? Can she see how her (frankly non-christian) attitude to him and what appears to be a fairly normal relationship pattern, has driven a wedge through the family? Does she feel guilty?

Would she be willing to reflect and genuinely apologise?

If there is no reconciliation between them, it will always be a family of two halves.

No sister, nieces/nephews at wedding (if they decide to marry). No cousins playing together. No real relationship with one set of Grandkids. Sad.

This is 100% an issue with her attitude and you not backing him.

You don't have a DS problem you have a DD problem. I would be dealing with this first, as she needs to apologisetoo. If she stops access to DGC then I bet it won't be for long, as I suspect she hasn't many others in her life to put with the controlling behaviour. Once you have stood up to her then you, can apologise to DS. But she needs to do this as well . Maybe, just maybe DS will give you all another chance.

Not struggling thanks. Don't need to do anything.

You say you want to fix this, it's not really up to you whether it can be fixed - it depends on what your son wants. Start by having an open and honest conversation about everything and that you hope to rebuild the relationship. Ask him what would help with this. You may have to go slow with this, so you need to be patient and accept this could be a long and maybe uncomfortable road.

Your grandchildren are a priority over your son?? Really??
Why on earth couldn’t you have invited your son every other weekend and let your DD stay away on those Sundays?
Id have never spoken to my mum again if she had excluded me from invites during my semi single stage!
Why would he want you to meet her when you’ve literally refused to meet his other girlfriends and been so judgemental?!
I think you’re going to have to grovel and tell him you’re really sorry that you didn’t tell your DD to stop being a judgemental snob !
Also be fully prepared that if/when he does get married & have children he will be excluding your daughter & her children from it all…. And do not try to guilt him into inviting her/making up with her because frankly it’s time you listened to and considered your your son wants!

Well im not surprised, it's quite hurtful what happened! What exactly were your DDs concerns? Why did you pick sides?