Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

I think the straight away ship has sailed

I didn't see the part about religious fundamentalism. However it didn't sound like it was the granny that had the problem but the daughter. I can't be bothered to read all the way through to the religion bit but anyway plenty of religious fundamentalism (holy catholic Ireland) in previous generations of my extended family...amazingly despite massive family rifts over Catholics marrying Protestants and some hardcore evangelical types, and some aunties uncles and grandparents falling out over it....the grandchildren ie cousins get along and value their relationships with each other.... shocker isn't it!! I don't agree with promoting family estrangement...it's horrible and heartbreaking and not worth it. I know this isn't about me! But it's an example

You certainly are, good to have self awareness 😆😆

It is a strange person who thinks access to the produce of her son's sperm is more important than the son himself, for sure.

Well the OP doesn't seem to value fsmily connection enough to do something about it....and she started the rift between her snd her son by choosing daughter iver son because "grandchildren are her first priority"

She doesn't miss him because he does spend time with OP.

OP realises she was wrong and regrets her past decisions.
How can she make it right from this:

When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. So we avoid the topic now to keep the status quo. Which isn't ideal.

They have a superficial relationship where they see each other once or twice a month. It's been like this for what sounds like years.

You wouldn't miss having a close relationship with your kid where you knew their partner and what was going on in their life?

Oh dear…

Oh, boo bloody hoo. What it all amounts to is “Waaaahhh - he won’t just do what I want!!” 😩😩😩

There’s too many replies to go through them all and I know your looking for some help so hopefully this does.

You need to build your relationship with your son first and foremost and if you push the meeting of the GF that’s only going to push him further away.

Real apologies come with action and if he sees you choose him equally like his sibling in due time things should get better.

Personally it does sound like your daughter has you over a barrow about grandchildren and that’s total emotional manipulation. The husband sounds very judgy too, so I can see why you’ve tip toed around it to appease them but it’s been at the cost of your relationship with your son.

Also you sound too ‘formal’ and it’s obviously making him uncomfortable, can’t you show some flexibility? Why do they have to come to your house, on your terms, can’t you go meet in middle ground at a restaurant or something less intimidating for her. My family is very chill we pop in and out of my mums but husband’s family is formal, everything needs planned etc and it’s a ball ache that we can’t be bothered with.

So in short, ease up a bit and show him you care about his feelings too

Her daughter started it! And the granny clearly does want to do something about it or she wouldn't be posting here. Everyone makes mistakes. Family estrangement is not the way to go. She has to keep the lines of communication open. And I agree, grandchildren always should be everyone's first priority!! They have no way of keeping in touch or maintaining a relationship if their parents decide to cut them off from a relative....which their mother did with the uncle so how was the granny to know that they wouldn't do it to her....fairly horrible situation to be in and I think it is between her son and daughter and she is stuck in the middle.

True, but that's what OP doesn't know how to fix, hence coming on here.

She wants a better relationship that includes DS's partner.

She knows she was wrong yet most posts are just bashing.

Her daughter started it! And the granny clearly does want to do something about it or she wouldn't be posting here.

“The granny” could have just acted like a proper mother to her son in the first place. How does someone grow old enough to be a grandmother without learning the basics?

Thing is there's no fixing this. You have the relationship with him that you told him with your words and actions over years and from the sounds of it you may well have given up on any relationship with your future grandchildren through your son.
When you chose to pander to your dd effectively cutting your son off from the wider family you lost the right to be a full part of his life or family and now.hes making a new family where he's valued and wanted for who he is

Tbf though she hasn't made (or at least outlined to us) any overtures or efforts to fix this beyond acknowledging she was wrong.
Unless the son is thick then he can war game the future scenarios and realise that being sorry that she fucked up isn't actually fixing it, it's just regretting the consequences of her actions.

The op won't stand up to her daughter now and start inviting him because she knows he won't come so why risks losing them both.

So what happens if he gets married and doesn't invite the DD and she insists her mother stands strong with her or lose access to her GC? will OP stand up then.

What happens if he breaks up with current GF? will OP revert to type and sack him off again confirming he was actually absolutely tangential to her remorse.

What if they don't christen their hypothetical GC and DD decides they can't spend Christmas with a heathen?/

Making it right, if she can, has to at the very least mean risking falling out with her daughter for the sake of her son in and of himself, not as some crude balancing act of a son + a DIL + A GC = DD + SIL ,+ GC

otherwise he'll be well aware that if his incubator was ever to go away, or fail to incubate, or choose not to incubate his mum will once again not give a fuck about him.

Sadly could be the future for the family.

The son is sad to have missed out on the relationships but doesn't want to talk about it, won't speak to his sister and won't come if she's there.

It does sound like no way foward, but life is full of surprises.

Hopefully a wise person will offer a solution.

I remember watching a show where a lady who hadn't spoken to her sister for 8 years was encouraged to call her to break the ice.
Sister picked up and they chatted like it not a day had gone by.

Always great when a family reconcile, but everyone has to be on board.

You can’t go round? You can’t go out somewhere local and invite them? A farmers market, an arts festival, a Sunday roast, a walk along the canals? So much on in summer. Yes that might mean being out on a Sunday and unable to do Sunday lunch for your dd but it is about time she started getting some signs from Jesus and the world around her that the world doesn’t revolve around her.

I empathise with your son My mother would always side with my sister because she is the one with children [the precious grandchildren ] I distanced myself and my subsequent husband and family and like you mother cant see its the consrquence of her behaviour

How can you fix it? By working on yourself. This stood out to me. You said “What I need is advice on how to put this right. I am now looking at a potential DIL and mother of my grandkids that I have never met!!!”

excuse me? Is marriage and kids all that matter to you?
she’s a human, not an incubator for your “future grandchildren.”

You need to work on yourself. If you can’t examine and learn, there’s no amount of “fixing” that can be done. You’ve probably pressured him, and this is the fallout.

Reading all this..well trying to..and there's absolutely no mention about your sons GF being an entity in her own right with her own mind, thoughts & choices. Have you never considered that when she found out how you mistreated your DS that she doesn't want to meet you? Who in their right mind wants to involve themselves in that type of that drama and toxicity? You can't control everything and everybody. They have their own lives...with or without you. Other people have mentioned meeting your son other places..for a walk, coffee etc..but you turn it back to him coming round to yours. Meaning it's always on your home turf. Do you never do anything social with your children other than they come to yours for Dinner?

You are still focused on the GF and not your son. It is clear HE is not comfortable around you. Stopping for dinner is out of duty, not because he is valuing time with you. By obeying your DDs demands you ostracized your son so he likely feels no more than a guest. You took away your unconditional love for him because your DD told you to. He isn't safe with you anymore. You will never be able to get that back no matter what you do.

His GF most likely will not want to meet you. She has been his confidant and support for all this time. I am sure when they met she asked about you and he told her everything. She knows what a horrendous mother you have been and won't want a relationship with you. She knows what you have done and most likely has a poor opinion of you and maybe even despises you. I don't think she will ever trust or welcome you nor should she. You have been a source of pain for the man she loves. I don't think you will ever have a good relationship with her. You need to prepare yourself for that and reconcile that you traded your son for your GCs and what's done is done. Your son is right, you can't fix it.

I think your son sees you for what you are. You have little respect for him. From what you've said, the only reason you want to change the dynamic is because you want to meet his gf, whom you will most likely pass judgement, and you want access to future grandchildren. Why! should he risk his relationship and his mental health to interact with you and your daughter? l hope he is happy with his gf and her family. You let him down in a hurtful way.

Yes the daughter is showing such Christian value of love and compassion! She is a horrible judgey nightmare.

For him, he likes the fact his GF parents has constant business and people dropping in and out and I think is embarrassed that we aren't like that

You are deluded. That may be a thought he has, but it’s not WHY. You think I g this is just a ploy to make yourself feel better and absolve yourself of some responsibility frankly.

The sole reason is because you abused him with your behaviour, and to the point there is no coming back from it unfortunately. I’m guessing if he does ever have kids, his dinners with you will also stop as they will be his priority and he won’t have the spare time he does now. I doubt you would ever meet them either as he would not want to risk you abusing them also. It would be quite odd to be angry about this also given it’s all of your own making.

ETA - Also, don’t push to meet the girlfriend, you have no right. I’d also thank my stars he comes to dinner at all, he is a hell of a lot more Christian than you and your DD.