Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Why would she ever want to meet such a vacuous, judgy family?
If I was her there's no way I'd be subjecting my child to such a horrible judgy experience.
Especially when @lifesabench is so horribly in thrall to her controlling, judgy rather selfishly nasty dd (and apparently a Christian. ...).
Op has.said dds dc are all that matter and her priority, so ds' dc clearly wouldn't be.

She sounds sensible in that case! A new grandchild can be an opportunity for a new beginning. Life is short. The bond between grandparents and grandchildren is important and she's right not to give up on it. Hope it works out for them all. It's tough because often the daughter in laws family is the one who spends more time with the grandchildren, rift or no rift.

You are hilarious.

Her so-called apologies have all been caveated with “But he won’t just do what I want; but my daughter won’t bring the grandchildren around if I speak to him; but I tried to apologise and he didn’t fall at my feet in eternal gratitude!!”

Maybe OP’s son has realised what a toxic piece of work she is.

DS won't accept apologies if there is no attempt at actually resolving the matter. It seems like "sorry" has been said, but no attempt at behaviour change has been made.

Jesus Christ.

Her apologies seem to come without any actual awareness and are just empty words so she can have access to any future hypothetical grandchildren.

Apologies with terms and conditions attached aren’t genuine

Well, that tells me all I need to know about you.

You and OP can sit together moaning about how horrible everyone is to you and wondering why you’re all alone.

What can OP do when he won't speak to the sister or accept the apology?

Best case scenario is a happy family all getting along.

I get DS was wronged but he's happy seeing OP yet won't accept her apology, that's where OP is at a stalemate.

The hypothetical grandchildren should still have a chance at knowing their paternal grandparents and cousins. Thankfully this potential grandmother cares enough to try and repair the relationship so that this can happen.

Hurrah!! Big clap for you 👏.

"A new grandchild can be an opportunity for a new beginning. "

Not when there's been years of favoritism, alienation and emotional abuse and the perpetrators of that have done nothing to change those dynamics. Add in religious fanaticism and it's more of the same old, same old.

You've got an oddly complacent view of some of the nastiest family dynamics around.

Yes both her children sound stubborn and she's been caught between a rock and a hard place with them.

Why does the OP think she deserves anything more? She’s the one pushing to meet her son’s girlfriend; to be given some special status in his life. Her son seems perfectly content to continue with things as they are without her mawkish wailing.

There IS no stalemate. OP just wants more than she’s being offered and is boohooing about not getting it.

I haven't rtft.
Sounds to me like you DD is using the grandchild/ren as a weapon /form of currency.
Do as you're told and you get to see your grandchild/ren.
Don't do as you're told and you won't see them....
Ahhh the old blackmail hey?
So you made your choice.

YOU ARE LUCKY YOUR SON EVEN SPEAKS TO YOU.
Talk is cheap, and a quick sorry is not good enough.
Actions speak louder than words.
Show him through YOUR ACTIONS, that he still matters and that you want a relationship with him.

As for your golden child little princess of a DD. Tell her you will not be bribed with access to your GC.
If she is judgemental and threatens with-holding access to GC, because you have seen your son (heaven forbid his GF makes an appearance as well), then remind her that she is supposed to be a Christian....

The fifth commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).
“Honor your mother"
Your DD needs to practice what she preaches.

You need to make amends with your son. Show him through your actions, that he is a priority. ASAP.

😆😆😆

She’s a grown bloody woman - a grandmother, for fuck’s same! She could have avoided all this years ago by not picking her toxic daughter over her son.

I disagree. I think son would be better off keeping any family he ever has far, far away from the family that has harmed him and has done nothing to change their ways. OP still puts her grandchildren ahead of her son.

Sharing DNA does not make family relationships healthy. These here are really toxic. OP has never said once that she misses her son. It's all about her and her FOMO grandkids.

You think a religious fundamentalist is going to let her kids play with the kids of a man she eased out of his own family? There's no love or care here. It's ego and control.

Yes they can but the son is sad ti have been excluded from thdd ed family situation he would have wanted with his sister & her children & their parents all together. Not just him his mum & Dad.

With such a judgemental family I'm not surprised he doesn't want you to meet her. The problem here is that you are still too scared to stand up to your daughter - the consequence of that is you won't be involved in your sons life in anything but a superficial way. The fact this all started because no one wanted to explain to a toddler that her uncle had a few different girlfriends in his late 20s/early 30s is totally bonkers

Yeah you did,,,,,,,
"Your daughter can live how she likes but sounds like they both need to talk it through"

Thick as cement pudding 😆😆

Ds is not daft and probably realised op actually doesn't give a shit about him or his dp.. she's only actually pretending to change her tune because of the possibility of gc...
Op and her dd probably have nefarious plans of taking future gc away..

I agree with you but I reckon the whole not wanting to explain to a toddler that not everyone marries their first ever partner is an excuse fro a DD who was either jealous of or resented her brother and made up that whole Christian virtues story to emotionally blackmail her mother (and pander to her judgemental prick of a husband)

The op needs to speak to her daughter, tell her what damage her attitude has done, and ask her to apologise to her brother in addition to doing it herself.

Never going to happen as the golden child will never accept she and her judgy husband (who, by the way, I very much doubt was a virgin on marriage) are part of the problem, and the OP is too scared to tell her.

So the imaginary grandchildren the 'incubator' may or may not produce will be never be spending time the with OP.

You get a star 🌟.

Why not just do a casual thing rather than “meet the parents”. Go out to a cafe or pub with just them. Your daughter and her husband sound very judgy. You also sound incredibly obsessive about your grandchildren or possible grandchildren. You essentially said to your son he is less important than his sister or your grandchildren. I would correct that straight away and tell your DD she does not get to decide who you invite to your own home and to sort out her relationship with her DB for everyone’s sake.